Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Accidents happen at any age and choosing to keep the baby is not an immature response

Of course its an immature response! She's not in any way equipped to raise a child and she stayed pregnant anyway, there is no maturity in that decision.

@YukoandHiro

Totally understand your situation - I just wanted you and your DH to be prepared for the fact that it's likely to take longer than you might envisage for her to make her choices on move on afterwards, ana you will also likely be too consumed with looking after a newborn to help her much.

I agree. She won’t want to leave. I worry that the pressure of looking after 2 newborns and a teenager might put a strain on OP’s relationship with DP. A lot of emotional, physical and financial stress.

I can see the OP having to take this baby on tbh.

When choosing whether to terminate a baby, sometimes maturity/immaturity doesn't come into it. Its a very personal question. I dont think those who are fine with terminations (which i support 100%) will ever fully understand that for some (including possibly the op dsis) that having a termination is just impossible, regardless of how difficult the circumstances are into which the baby is being born. The people on this thread advocating that the dsis should have been forced/threatened/blackmailed/'suppotively' coerced in a termination against her wishes are just awful.

Terminate a pregnancy. Not baby.

My mum had to evict me and I did get a council flat. That said I have never ever had ss involvement just due to age. It doesn't happen on age alone!

@YukoandHiro @PinkNails1 @WithinAForestDark I can see exactly what you’re all saying, to be honest it worries me too. She says she wants to get things sorted out properly and has so far agreed with everything we’ve said, but you’re right there’s no way of knowing how she’ll feel after the birth. I don’t feel right doing anything drastic right now as I just feel it wouldn’t be fair. She’s uncomfortable and ready to drop.

She wants to leave the difficult stuff until after the baby is here, I think she thinks a cute baby will soften everyone

not promising, is it ?

Her feelings aren’t wrong, what is wrong is taking them out on her own dd and an innocent child
agree, I'd have been devastated if this happened to my daughter, but at 56 wouldnt you expect her to have the maturity and self control to think things through and try to be strategic?
Throwing ones toys outta the pram/going nuclear is just a way of creating chaos to distract from the fact you're not willing or able to do the hard work of being measured and reasonable..imo

@Nimue21

Well of course your mother is not happy about her 16 year old having a baby. Why would she be? Who would?

You don't get to tell her she's being unreasonable. She's expected to house this new baby, pay for it, take care of it...she doesn't have to just be happy and ok with it.

If your sister thinks she is old enough to be a mother, what has she done to find a home for her child, and to support it?

This. Just because the daughter has decided to have a child, doesn't mean the grandmother should shoulder it all.

[quote icecreamgirl94]**@YukoandHiro* @PinkNails1* @WithinAForestDark I can see exactly what you’re all saying, to be honest it worries me too. She says she wants to get things sorted out properly and has so far agreed with everything we’ve said, but you’re right there’s no way of knowing how she’ll feel after the birth. I don’t feel right doing anything drastic right now as I just feel it wouldn’t be fair. She’s uncomfortable and ready to drop.[/quote]
I think she need to get things sorted before both of you give birth. It will be more difficult to sort things out once her baby is here. It’s unfair to expect you to care for your sister postpartum and raise her baby whilst you are pregnant/recovering postpartum. How many weeks gone are you?

You said she visited a clinic twice for a termination, but decided against it. Did anyone support her decision to terminate? Did someone say something to change her mind? Whoever did so now needs to house and care for this child as well as her baby.

I'm pro choice, so what your sister decides to do with her body is up to her.

But being pro choice, being against people being forced to birth and provide and care for children they don't want, I can also see your mum's perspective. She didn't sign up for this - mother or no. She's responded differently to your pregnancy for that precise reason - you're an adult who is taking on the consequences of your own choice (providing and caring) yourself.

If your sister had turned up one day and announced she was moving in a lodger (noisy and nocturnal) and expected your mum to foot the bill and work to keep this guest happy - you'd say she was unreasonable, right?

So approach it that way. Take your mum's perspective (as so far you've been very kind and empathetic to your sister) and find a way out together - and your sister needs to be part of this process as she has made an adult choice that results in adult responsibilities which includes planning. The fact that she didn't tell your mum until after she told other people (none of whom expect to take any responsibility or care and who have actively encouraged it without having to bear any of the consequences) was unkind and has probably added to your mum's upset and feelings of being sprung upon.

I bet she doesn't really want to shut your sister out (as you say, she hadn't thrown her out when you offered the spare room), but is having to process the above scenario against her will.

Good luck!

@haggistramp

When choosing whether to terminate a baby, sometimes maturity/immaturity doesn't come into it. Its a very personal question. I dont think those who are fine with terminations (which i support 100%) will ever fully understand that for some (including possibly the op dsis) that having a termination is just impossible, regardless of how difficult the circumstances are into which the baby is being born. The people on this thread advocating that the dsis should have been forced/threatened/blackmailed/'suppotively' coerced in a termination against her wishes are just awful.

I completely agree. It’s an attitude I often see on this site and it’s abhorrent.

The OP's DSis shouldn't have been bullied to have an abortion. But neither is the mother a villain because she doesn't want to house and help raise a baby. Ultimately both their choices have to be respected. Involuntary parenthood is abhorrent too.

Funny how people who claim to be "pro-choice" almost always think that excludes making a choice to keep a baby, and seem to think "pro choice" means "no support for a 16 year old child wanting to have her own baby". Because from many posts it is clear some PPs only support one choice. How very liberal and accepting.

The DM in this situation is behaving abominably. A choice HAS been made. She needs to accept it. People here saying that a 16 year old is old enough to sort herself out, of course she isn't. I left home at 18. Wasn't pregnant. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Anyone claiming they left home at 16 and therefore that this girl should just get on with it is very obviously lying or "left home" to live with a boyfriend/relative who paid for everything. Anyone who had genuinely left in their teens would know how hard it is and have some empathy.

Why would you push someone and their baby into an obvious poverty trap just because they got pregnant young? To "teach them a lesson"? THIS is how the Mother and Baby Homes took hold of society. Only the same people are now "pro-choice". Disgraceful lack of concern for a fellow human being.

She is so lucky to have you as a sister

BTW just to clarify I am not saying ALL pro-choicers are like this, but it's a side of the pro-choice movement I've never seen before this thread and I'm completely horrified.

There are charities who help young people in this situation. I don't see why it's the 56 year old mother's responsibility. Her daughter's wayward behaviour isn't her fault.

There's a difference been "accepting" it and taking on the responsibility of housing and helping to care for the baby. I agree the mother should accept her daughter's choice but that doesn't necessarily mean she should take on responsibility for the baby beyond what a normal grandparent would do. That would be the daughter forcing her own choice on her mother.

@Viviennemary the Magdalene laundries are calling.

Honestly. Some of the views on this thread are abhorrent. She had sex. She's having a baby. She hasn't killed anyone.

And she is a child having a child. I would certainly see that circumstance and those choices as linked to my parenting (I discussed and assisted contraception for my similar aged DD). And I wouldn't want my child to go through this without my support. Would I be happy about it, no. Would I want to be responsible for the baby, no. But would I support my DD, absolutely yes.

no support for a 16 year old child wanting to have her own baby".

I don't think anyone is saying she shouldn't have support.
Some people are saying that while this young person can choose to have a baby she cannot choose to opt her mother into providing for it.
Many mothers would actually however reluctantly lean in and do this.
But that doesn't mean that the young person should be assuming this will happen.

Very well put snowliving

it's a side of the pro-choice movement I've never seen before this thread and I'm completely horrified.

I've been aware of it for a long time. There is a lot more genuine care offered to women experiencing unplanned pregnancies by so called Pro life charities.

And the number of women happy to coerce their children into terminations 'in their best interests' are just the forced adopters of this generation in another guise.

OP, as your DSIS is only 16, could she have you with her at the hospital?