Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

I suspect people suggesting adoption don't have a clue about adoption.

It is possible that some of the people suggesting adoption are from the USA where adoption in these situations is much more frequent than it is in the UK.

Where's the op gone? Hope her sister is ok and hasn't 'accidentally' gone and given birth to twins on the bathroom floor....

Your sister needs a sharp reality check. The naive entitled assumption of just taking it for granted that she and a new born can just move back in with your mum without any discussion says it all.

As I read it, the OP, her mum and sister all agreed it was best for the sister to move in with OP for a while, and the three of them also agreed that the sister would move back in with their mum before the birth.

Then the sisters’s mum changed her mind at short notice, leaving her elder daughter in the lurch.

I had a home birthday at 16, it was not treated any different to any other pregnant lady?

This is a terrible situation, but I have utmost sympathy with the grandmother to be. Presumably she went back to babyhood when you were a decent age so has already been through baby stage twice at different times of her life. No way would I want to be looking at being a major player in a babies upbringing at 56 and if that makes me selfish so be it. My own DDs will be told in no uncertain terms about the dangers and the responsibility of a young pregnancy - in fact I might sit them down and forcibly make them watch 16 and pregnant when most of the outcomes are mostly the same - the fathers get to carry on, their friends go off to college and live their lives and they get stuck in shitty situations struggling to make ends meet, get an education and with resentful parents who have to step in and pick up the slack.

Your mum can't reasonably expect to play the doting grandma to your baby when she is being so cold to her own daughter. If she doesnt want your sister and the baby living with her then she should talk to her and help her find somewhere. Although, if it were my dd (who is 17) i would insist we sit down and talk about a five year plan. Housework to be done. I would look after the baby for limited periods. She would have to have a plan. I would help her though, at that age, it must all be so terrifying.

@icecreamgirl94 Please be aware of the council policies before do anything else. Here; you’d have to write a letter giving your sister a date to leave by, and then you’d be visited by the council to see if they could change your mind. Your mum would likely be visited too.

It won’t be an easy ride but you’re going to need to have this planned out, especially if you and your partner are keen not to have Dsis & her baby indefinitely.

The time to be proactive is now, because it’s just going to get harder when Dsis has a newborn, and then you’re about to give birth/have a newborn too.

You shouldn’t blame your mother for being upset about her 16 year old deciding to become a parent. Especially since said 16 year old apparently hasn’t secured employment and is expecting other people to figure out how she is going to live. The moment she decided to become a parent, that became her responsibility. It’s unclear if your DM is ignoring her out of spite or if she has been forced into this position in an attempt to get her dd to step up and start acting like the mother that she now is.

Gawd this is terrible - your mum will end up with no contact with either grandchild if she’s not careful- you can’t just pick which child you are interested in and cast the other out - it’s horrible

I wish people who don't know about how things work for 16 17yr olds will stop giving incorrect advice.

The 16 year old CANNOT apply for council housing, the OP does not need to kick her out for her to get priority homeless status; the housing department don't find her mother and baby accommodation nor do charities provide foster placements.

All of the above is dealt with by children's social care because at 16, she is a child in her own right. They will assess her and they will liaise with any other relevant services as to what the best support route is.
If she needs a m&b foster placement or supported accommodation, that would be dealt with by social services.
If she is capable of managing a tenancy, that would only be agreed by social services liaising with housing, after they've assessed, and only then would she get 'priority homeless' status, and social services would need to continue to support including acting as guarantor on the tenancy because she can only sign a license agreement at 16.

These systems were put in place following court precedent years ago (Southwark judgement) and have been strengthened following some deeply sad cases where 16 and 17 year olds were wrongly treated as adults and suffered for it as they weren't capable of navigating the system.

Are there any mother and baby homes in your area? There is also the possibility that because of her age she could be fostered by a family with her baby until she's 18 (in some cases even later). Does her midwife know the situation? Because I would think usually a social services referral would be put in for her age group.
She could also present as homeless at the council, and they would try to find her an appropriate placement, although it may just be a council b&b. Hopefully they would find a more appropriate supported hostel/ mother and baby unit though and she would end up in fairly high priority for a council house.

Sorry as a PP poster stated and I meant to put in my post too, whatever else is going on she needs a social services referral because of her age.

@Cheesyblasters exactly.

Either, this child has her "supportive family" (dad, preferably as he has PR) step up, or this child and her child will need to enter the care system. There is no easy she'll be discharged with a baby into precarious circumstances.

However, if it ends up being emergency care, the two children may not be able to be accommodated together. This is why OP needs to get her sister's social worker involved now.

I can understand your dm concerns, I can even almost understand her being reluctant to house dsis and not wanting to return to the baby stages, but I think it is downright cruel that she seems to dote on one unborn dgc while completely disregarding another. I am so glad you dsis has your support, she must feel so sad and let down by your dm.

@LuaDipa

I can understand your dm concerns, I can even almost understand her being reluctant to house dsis and not wanting to return to the baby stages, but I think it is downright cruel that she seems to dote on one unborn dgc while completely disregarding another. I am so glad you dsis has your support, she must feel so sad and let down by your dm.

The DM isn't doting on anything. She's happy about 1 baby, not about the other. Which is totally reasonable.

@Cheesyblasters

I wish people who don't know about how things work for 16 17yr olds will stop giving incorrect advice.

The 16 year old CANNOT apply for council housing, the OP does not need to kick her out for her to get priority homeless status; the housing department don't find her mother and baby accommodation nor do charities provide foster placements.

All of the above is dealt with by children's social care because at 16, she is a child in her own right. They will assess her and they will liaise with any other relevant services as to what the best support route is.
If she needs a m&b foster placement or supported accommodation, that would be dealt with by social services.
If she is capable of managing a tenancy, that would only be agreed by social services liaising with housing, after they've assessed, and only then would she get 'priority homeless' status, and social services would need to continue to support including acting as guarantor on the tenancy because she can only sign a license agreement at 16.

These systems were put in place following court precedent years ago (Southwark judgement) and have been strengthened following some deeply sad cases where 16 and 17 year olds were wrongly treated as adults and suffered for it as they weren't capable of navigating the system.

Thank goodness for some sanity on this thread! Thank you for posting. The 16yo will have been referred to social services when she first went for antenatal care. She will have an assigned social worker. I'm not sure why the OP isn't liaising with the SW on behalf of her sister, or maybe she is and I've missed that post.

In my experience a 16 year old wouldn't automatically have been assigned a social worker.
DC younger than that weren't automatically assigned one if wider family are supporting the pregnant young person.
This young person has two accommodation offers within her family unit currently dsis and DF and while neither is perfect they mean the young person isn't at risk of homelessness .
Schooling is undertaken online and in disarray for everyone currently and wouldn't be a social service issue.
It was quite usual for SW involvement to be nothing more than a quick phone call to ascertain that further support wasn't wanted by the family at this time and that the dc wasn't in an abusive relationship.

If the midwife or health visitor flagged concerns post birth they would be picked up quickly.

@snowliving I agree she wouldn't automatically get a social worker at 16; the op updated to say mum has confirmed she can't move home, she's not sure she can keep her and it's not clear how concrete dad's offer is. In that case she's certainly entitled to an assessment for her options, though she can turn them down if she wishes.
Obv they can only insist on a SW if the baby is at risk which they aren't currently (and if they were that would mean a SW for the baby not necessarily the 16yr old)

Shmithecat2 I can understand why she feels the way she does. I have a dd and I would be devastated if she fell pregnant at 16, but I wouldn’t take my feelings out on her or the child. I couldn’t bring myself to show an interest in only one dd’s pregnancy. Or buy gifts for one dgc and not do the same for the other. Her feelings aren’t wrong, what is wrong is taking them out on her own dd and an innocent child.

I had my DD1 at 16, no mention was ever made of a social worker, my midwife and health visitor (who I met 2 weeks before due date) were aware I had no family around. I had a council tenancy in my name.

@BrumBoo there definitely hasn’t been any twins on the bathroom floor, that really would push me over the edge!
@Cattenberg yes that’s exactly the situation, I’m glad I made it clear enough for some people
I posted here for advice and opinions which I definitely got and I appreciate the honesty (I was warned this site could be harsh at times so I was prepared for it).
She’s spoken with the midwife about the situation and I’ve told her we need to speak to the father’s family. Thanks for giving me the push I needed to address that with her, it’s been the elephant in the room really to be honest. I’ve tried to reason with her that his involvement will make life slightly easier for her as it will be extra financial support. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing because I know I’m stressing her out but his parents, if she makes contact, are going to find out they have a grandchild rather than they have a grandchild on the way at this rate. She wants to leave the difficult stuff until after the baby is here, I think she thinks a cute baby will soften everyone, and I’ve made the mistake of not forcing her to face up to things sooner because I’ve been worried about stressing her out during the pregnancy.

It might soften everyone, OP, but her hormones will be all over the place and she won't be able to make any decisions or get anything done for quite a while after. Please just be prepared for that.

@YukoandHiro yes I’m fully trying to take that into account. It’s very difficult to get the balance right at the moment, I know she’s not in a great place for making decisions at the moment but I don’t know if she’ll feel better or worse once the baby arrives. Having lost 2 pregnancies myself I’ve been cautious about giving her extra stress during the pregnancy (rightly or wrongly) and have obviously painted myself into a bit of a corner now.

Totally understand your situation - I just wanted you and your DH to be prepared for the fact that it's likely to take longer than you might envisage for her to make her choices on move on afterwards, ana you will also likely be too consumed with looking after a newborn to help her much.