Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Have you or your sister apologised to your mum for hiding the pregnancy from her OP? She must feel like the family were colluding against her while expecting her to be the one to do the heavy lifting in the long term. I think that by interfering ( even with the best of intentions) and having your sister stay with you has make things worse sadly and you may just have to prepare yourself for your sister living with you long term. Would your sister even want to live with your mother at this point with so much tension in the relationship. It would be an awful home life for anyone.

Has your sister said what she actually wants, living with dad is not suitable, living with mum is not suitable either, so that leaves you as the best option, but are you and your partner happy with that long term. It is beyond time for your sister to take her head out of the sand and deal with her options realistically, not her hopes but her real options.

I wonder if there is a dynamic in place where you as the older sister try to protect her from the consequences of her own decisions and try to smooth things over for her. My own sister does this with our nieces and in her attempts undermines the parents and creates bigger disasters by being cackhanded.

[quote Shmithecat2]@TaraR2020

As for your DSis, she comes across as bright and very mature.
How? What is bright or mature about getting pregnant at 16yo, and doing NOTHING about it?[/quote]
Accidents happen at any age and choosing to keep the baby is not an immature response. However, at 16 she is still very young - as pp have said, her brain is going to continue to develop and mature for the best of a decade. It's unreasonable to expect a 16yo know all the steps about setting up living as a first time single mother without someone supporting or guiding her.

I'm not saying she isn't capable, but its a very different age to adulthood. She is clearly facing up to her responsibilities and not expecting a free ride or to be housed indefinitely (or at all) by her sister. Of course she will accept the support when offered, as she should. She sounds quite brave tbh and I think she's being given an unnecessarily hard time on this thread.

TaraR2020 I agree

Hi everyone, thanks for the messages.
Lots of people asking about the baby’s father, I’ll be honest, I know next to nothing about him, I posted earlier in the thread exactly what I know about him. I’ve been constantly asking DSis for more info on him since she moved in but she’s point blank refused to say anything. I know that’s not good enough, I think posting on here was maybe the kick up the bum I needed to get things moving.
It wasn’t until this week that DM has actually said she doesn’t want DSis moving back in, so her midwife isn’t aware of the situation. She hasn’t been classed as homeless, she has told the midwife she is living with me for the pregnancy and birth because I’m better equipped to offer support through that, then she’ll be moving back in with her mum. This morning I’ve had a long talk with DSis and told her she has to call the midwife and tell her honestly what the situation is now so that the midwife can put her in touch with SS which I’ve explained is for support. Once she’s dealt with that I’ve told her we need to talk about the father. She’s not happy about that but I’ve told her this is real now, the baby could come at any minute and I’ve been wrong to not push things until now.
She’s on the phone to our dad at the moment then she’ll be calling the midwife. Hopefully we’re moving things in the right direction now.

Perhaps your mum will change her mind otherwise your sister needs to approach the council and explain your mum has kicked her out. If she's lucky there's people who foster under 18's who are pregnant/got babies in these circumstances, but that's short term. She really should think about the medium term - she's old enough to procreate so needs to grow up fast and come up with a plan, or seriously consider if she's capable of raising this child. I suspect your mum is concerned that it is her that will end up raising the baby either officially or informally.

@TaraR2020

She is clearly facing up to her responsibilities and not expecting a free ride or to be housed indefinitely (or at all) by her sister

Are you reading a different thread to me? She's done nothing other than leave her DMs house, buy things and wait for her DM to acquiesce.

Get her on the council list, explain the situation in a letter, explain that you don't have room for her and baby once your own baby arrives.

Give a date you need Dsis to leave, they'll find her accommodation, it isn't going to be the greatest of places, but it'll be a home for her and her child.

If she simply has nowhere to go, they'll have to help.

I do think you need to speak to your mum. It sounds like she's disappointed in Dsis decision to keep the baby and despite the promise to support her, she's just left her to deal with the situation alone. Even if she is disappointed she needs to step up and help her daughter or risk there being a lasting damage to their relationship.

I hope it all works out OK for dsis.

OP, I think you're being very kind 💐 Don't blame yourself for this situation.

I also have to say I think (and it's only a suspicion) that your DM may be taking a hard stance because she is concerned she'll end up looking after the DGC (your sister's baby) in practice if she moved in, whereas at 56, she's working. Tbh she also has every right not to want to go through having a young baby at home again if she already has two adult or nearly adult children herself and she's working. I think she should be more actively involved in getting your DSis to sort out her own accommodation asap and guide her re sorting out her school, tbh. But then you say your DF is involved in that, what exactly does your DSis need and expect then? I think she's in a situation where she needs to move out as soon as possible and it sounds like there is some support she'll be offered by you (childcare) and your DF as well. She needs to get the father of her baby sorted too! It's equally his responsibility.

I think you're trying to mother her now but don't underestimate how dramatically things will change for you once your baby arrives. With all the best intentions, but I think you need to agree with your DSis that she moves out by then. There's still some time to get things sorted now, she needs to do it. And perhaps your DF will need to accommodate her temporarily when you have your baby, but I don't think you should do that at all.

moving the mother did not 'kick her out' she chose to leave.

And I also wouldn't be surprised if your DM was devastated about your DSis's actions and how her choices will affect her future. It's very easy to say put these feelings to one side, things may work out ok etc., but the reality of this must be stark and very difficult for your DM right now. Plus the point I made earlier about actually raising the baby, I do think you need to try to put yourself in her shoes instead of automatically thinking the worst of her and that your relationship with your DM will be ruined as a result. I'd try a very open conversation first about how she really feels and why before judging her.

@Hattie71

Hi all - I thought I would add to this message. I'm in a similar situation, my DD came to me crying with one of her friends and told me she thinks she is pregnant. We took a test and it came out positive - I was furious to start with and now I'm just disappointed. She's at 5 weeks and she's only 14. has so much ahead of her but she is refusing to abort it. I rlly don't know what to do, my DH is being difficult about it and she won't tell me who the father is. AIBU by getting angry and trying to get her to terminate, it's just I want the best for her and if in the end she keeps the child I will be supportive but I'm worried that it will be like I've had another DC if I end up looking after it the whole time. Thanks everyone - Hattie.

Oh this is horrible. For you and your DD. Could you explain in depth the dangers of pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum on any woman’s body, let alone a child’s body? She needs to be aware of the complications that can happen during childbirth, either vaginal or c section. Also the post partum healing and complications. She probably thinks she’ll just push the baby out and be fine. My mum was in labour for 2 days, haemorrhaged and almost died.

After explaining the complications, explain how she will financially and practically care for a child if she herself is a child and still in compulsory education. She can’t expect you to raise the child as your own. Explain in depths how demanding babies and toddlers are.

If you don’t know who the dad is, then could it be an older man? That’s really worrying. Best of luck

My own daughter got pregnant at 16 and, like your sister, her then boyfriend dumped her pretty promptly with his family trying to pressurise her into an abortion.

I love my daughter and fully supported her decision to keep the baby (now nearly 3) and I became a 'young' grandparent. She has only just moved out and really needed our support during the pregnancy, birth (I was there) and after the baby was born. We still provide a lot of support. It certainly hasn't always been easy but I wouldn't change anything as we all love this little girl very much.

Your sister needs her mother's support at this time and my only advice is to tell this to your mother or she could damage her relationship with her daughter/grandchild permanently. Babies are innocent and a blessing and she needs to embrace this. Sure, it's not what you plan for your 16 year old ..... but there are much worse things.

She is lucky to have a sister like you but I hope your mum can find some love and compassion for your sister who is just a kid herself. Good luck to the both of you.

@MichelleScarn I addressed that in another post. It's shit, yes. But it's the reality for this poor girl.

@Hattie71

Hi all - I thought I would add to this message. I'm in a similar situation, my DD came to me crying with one of her friends and told me she thinks she is pregnant. We took a test and it came out positive - I was furious to start with and now I'm just disappointed. She's at 5 weeks and she's only 14. has so much ahead of her but she is refusing to abort it. I rlly don't know what to do, my DH is being difficult about it and she won't tell me who the father is. AIBU by getting angry and trying to get her to terminate, it's just I want the best for her and if in the end she keeps the child I will be supportive but I'm worried that it will be like I've had another DC if I end up looking after it the whole time. Thanks everyone - Hattie.

You are certainly wrong to try and get her to "terminate it". You can advise her and control what rules you put in place if she continues but I really wouldn't want the guilt of knowing I'd pressured my daughter into a termination. It is something she could regret for a long time if it isn't her choice.

OP, it sounds like you've got a good plan of action and your head screwed on. I hope it all works out for the best

This seems strangely like a thread the other day but written from a different perspective.

@Hattie71

Hi all - I thought I would add to this message. I'm in a similar situation, my DD came to me crying with one of her friends and told me she thinks she is pregnant. We took a test and it came out positive - I was furious to start with and now I'm just disappointed. She's at 5 weeks and she's only 14. has so much ahead of her but she is refusing to abort it. I rlly don't know what to do, my DH is being difficult about it and she won't tell me who the father is. AIBU by getting angry and trying to get her to terminate, it's just I want the best for her and if in the end she keeps the child I will be supportive but I'm worried that it will be like I've had another DC if I end up looking after it the whole time. Thanks everyone - Hattie.

Is this the same daughter you were asking about who wanted to go on the pill, @hattie71?

Your mum must be so hurt. You, your sis, father and partner made a little secret gang. Leaving your mother out. All of you lying to her face for months. Then within weeks of deciding to let her in on the secret you swoop in and say "Come stay with me, sis" and your silly sister says "Sure!" Fuck mum. Then your dad says she can come stay with him. But that's not good enough because his place is tiny. But you know who has a bigger house? Mum!

Except mum says "Nah. You're not using me now."

Your sister is learning a lot of life lessons.

@OfaFrenchmind2

Your poor mum. Don't kid yourself, if your sister and her baby were living at home, your mum would be saddled with much work, having to raise her daughter's innocent mistake. The poor woman may have thought she could breath a little at her age, but apparently your whole family and the emoji-squad of MN have decided to draft her again... Why is your father not taking his daughter in?

Oh this, definitely this. The emoji-squad... that is so apt, epitomises the vacuous cheer-leading on this board.

Odd that the younger sister, offered a place by her father, turns her nose up at it to go and stay with her sister until mother buckles down/gives in. Younger sister has a lot more choice than many do.

A one-bedroomed flat might be difficult but, when you have painted yourself in a corner and your parent offers to share this with you, you do it.

I also believe that when a male parent is pressed to support, they mean accommodation, they don't mean childcare of a baby, because that's not the usual province of men so there's zero expectation from a grandfather. A grandmother though? All bets are OFF and the burden is all hers.

I'm glad that there are some posters who can see right through this high-drama debacle.

@snowliving

It is a very sad situation all round.

There does seem to be a fair amount of sexism in the belief that grandmother needs to be the person who provides a house and support for this grandchild.

The family as whole both the mother and father's side should be pulling together to support this young mother and child.

It shouldn't be expected that one woman in her late fifties will step in and sort this out by herself.

Yup.

I don't quite understand how She is having a home birth so I will of course be with her could be a jumbled version of she really wants a home birth because she’s worried about being in hospital because of covid, but she is having a hospital birth. "Pregnancy brain" or not. But whatever.

I completely agree with PPs about the double standard on this thread. Some of the posts here are dreadful, vilifying the OP's mother while giving a free pass to everyone else in the scenario (the OP's dad, the baby's dad, the family of the baby's dad). It isn't particularly surprising given the societal expectations of women. Depressing, though.

icecreamgirl94, it sounds as though your sister moving in with your dad in the short term might be best, if she can't stay with you. Has your sister considered the possibility of making an adoption plan? No one in the family seems prepared for the arrival of this baby, much less for what happens after the baby is here. Placing the baby for adoption could be best for all concerned.

If one thing will take from this thread is the aptness of term emoji-squad, encouraging people to make significant life decisions, LTB, go NC, tell her she NEEDS to do this...its all ridiculous!!

Your sister needs a sharp reality check. The naive entitled assumption of just taking it for granted that she and a new born can just move back in with your mum without any discussion says it all.

I wouldn't mind all these people waving adoption as the best solution if I thought for a minute they had any concept of the trauma and possible attachment difficulties the child would still undergo.
(Waits for someone to say "but baby won't remember" entirely proving my point)
It's an option but as viable and problematic as all the other options on the table.
Hope your sister gets good impartial realistic advice from midwife and social services. And the very best to her in whatever choice she's makes.