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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

818 replies

icecreamgirl94 · 26/01/2021 17:08

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 27/01/2021 09:36

I read it. I call.it excuses and bullshit. Man knew what was happening from the start. I find OP and her family incredibly neglectful not to have told her mum earlier, since they were expecting the poor woman to be the one to have her life upended.

YukoandHiro · 27/01/2021 09:44

@OfaFrenchmind2 He offered and they refused it. He's only in a 1 bed in the first place because the mum cheated on him and split the marriage. The sis offered instead because they DO have a bedroom for her. Seems to me that every family member is stepping up here except the mum.

MichelleScarn · 27/01/2021 09:46

@KatherineJaneway

I agree with PP, maybe you could restrict communication with your mum until she does what is right.

What you think is 'right' you mean.

And the stroppy controlling tone here shows the horrible attitude towards the mother from some on this thread. "You will not be spoken to or engaged with until you agree to do what we are telling you to do". And then she should be grateful she's being 'included'.
Shmithecat2 · 27/01/2021 09:49

[quote YukoandHiro]@Shmithecat2 Not saying it would be easy, but then as another poster said neither is having a profoundly disabled child, or a child with cancer or child who gets mixed up in gangs or drugs.

When you become a parent you don't know how it's going to turn out. You don't get to just decide you're not going to support them when they make a choice you disagree with.[/quote]
You (and other posters) need to stop comparing this to having a disabled child. This is nothing like that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/01/2021 09:51

TBH, my first thought was whether the DM in question is going to be expected (as so often) to give up her own life to look after a baby/toddler, while the girl gets on with her education or training.

I dare say I’d come round soon enough in such circs, but I certainly wouldn’t be ‘happy’ about it. How many mothers of young dds honestly would be ‘happy’? Whether they’re going to be expected to look after the baby or not - most would be very upset that a dd has been daft enough to compromise her own future like this.

KarmaNoMore · 27/01/2021 09:53

Did not RTFT just OP’s posts. So apologies if this has mentioned already.

I do know two sisters who got pregnant in their teens. With the first, their mum was very supportive, helped her a lot with the baby, ensured her DD’s life was not so affected by being a mum so young... and ended up raising the baby herself. Her DD was nice and responsible but even her admits that her second child was her first child as her mum took over with the first so she didn’t get much hands on experience at being fully responsible for a child.

With her second daughter, she had her hands full with GS1, she allowed the space for her DD to continue studying but she didn’t baby sit, she didn’t cover all the baby expenses and expected DD2 to get on with it. She has been a good mother to that child... herself.

Raising children is an enormous effort when you are single, your mum may have been looking ahead to see both their daughters being grown up and independent and have a rest herself. Your DSis is bring her another child to raise when she thought she was about to finish her motherhood duties, or at least looking very much like that would be what ultimately happen if she is taking care of getting equipment for the baby but not doing any efforts to find where to live or how to support herself and her baby.

Cut your mum some slack, she may be given your DSis a dose of though love to help her take responsibility for her own child. Sometimes too much protection and support can cripple a new mother. Obviously, your DSis is not getting much from your mum at the moment but she really needs to get up of her arse and start sorting things to provide for the child herself, buying baby equipment is not disimular to buying stuff for a doll, she needs to be planing on the bigger scheme, where to live, how to work and raise that child and those are the realities you need to face whether you become a mum at 40 or at 15.

Shmithecat2 · 27/01/2021 09:53

@OfaFrenchmind2

I read it. I call.it excuses and bullshit. Man knew what was happening from the start. I find OP and her family incredibly neglectful not to have told her mum earlier, since they were expecting the poor woman to be the one to have her life upended.
👏👏👏
YukoandHiro · 27/01/2021 09:53

@Shmithecat2 I'm not saying it's similar at all. I'm saying that parenting has no guarantees and you don't get to walk away if it doesn't match what you imagined it would be

Aprilx · 27/01/2021 09:54

I cannot believe the number posters that think the mother kicked the 16 year old out. She didn’t kick her out! She was kept in the dark whilst the rest of the family knew about the pregnancy, the OP encouraged the 16 year old to live with her so that they could have nice girly pregnancy time but expected mother to step back in, after being thoroughly excluded so far, when the real work starts (i.e. when baby is born) with threats of stopping contact herself if mother doesn’t do exactly as she is told.

OP had good intentions but very poorly thought through ones and has made the situation far worse than it needed to be.

VegemiteIsToasty · 27/01/2021 09:54

[quote YukoandHiro]@OfaFrenchmind2 He offered and they refused it. He's only in a 1 bed in the first place because the mum cheated on him and split the marriage. The sis offered instead because they DO have a bedroom for her. Seems to me that every family member is stepping up here except the mum. [/quote]
Oh please, don’t be so silly. Like that one line explains why they broke up, and even if it was true NONE of us know the ins and outs of the OP’s parent’s marriage and divorce, and the reasons behind it are nothing to do with thread.

But another thing is clear, the father wasn’t bothering with any parenting of 16 year old since he does live in a one bed, he’s been leaving all that to his ex and his other daughter, and now he has the cheek to try and control the ex by thrusting her into a parent role with a baby. Maybe dad can step up and parent the 16 year old by getting a two bed, or he can just sleep on the lounge. I bet it won’t take long before his generous support in this situation is withdrawn.

Shmithecat2 · 27/01/2021 09:55

[quote YukoandHiro]@OfaFrenchmind2 He offered and they refused it. He's only in a 1 bed in the first place because the mum cheated on him and split the marriage. The sis offered instead because they DO have a bedroom for her. Seems to me that every family member is stepping up here except the mum. [/quote]
No, he's in a one bed flat because he got made redundant and had to downsize.

YukoandHiro · 27/01/2021 09:55

I'm absolutely staggered at everyone on here who seems to think that the Mum "having a rest" is more important than making sure a homeless 16 year old who is pregnant in a pandemic is safe. Her daughter, no less.

BrumBoo · 27/01/2021 09:58

but apparently your whole family and the emoji-squad of MN have decided to draft her again

Emoji-squad, that's brilliant Grin.

I hope the op comes back and clarifies a few things in regards to my last post. I think all of this is rather beyond the you-sound-lovely-op, and their mother (Villain of the Year: 2021). If the 16 year old isn't under any services now, I'd be surprised if tbe hospital doesn't flag something, so hopefully she will get the appropriate help ASAP rather than expected the soon to be grandma to essentially fix it all.

Shmithecat2 · 27/01/2021 10:02

@YukoandHiro

I'm absolutely staggered at everyone on here who seems to think that the Mum "having a rest" is more important than making sure a homeless 16 year old who is pregnant in a pandemic is safe. Her daughter, no less.
Not wanting your whole life upended by your 16yo bringing a baby home isn't about 'having a rest'. Her daughter isn't and wasn't homeless at any point. She left DMs house of her own accord and apart from buy some things has done fuck all about anything else ever since. It seems like everyone else wants to 'have a rest' and let the DM pick up all the pieces.
MessAllOver · 27/01/2021 10:08

I'm absolutely staggered at everyone on here who seems to think that the Mum "having a rest" is more important than making sure a homeless 16 year old who is pregnant in a pandemic is safe.

Her daughter is safe. And it's not "having a rest" - read the grandparent carer threads if you want to get a sense of what happens when parents can't cope and grandparents have to pick up the pieces.

YukoandHiro · 27/01/2021 10:09

@Shmithecat2 of course it isn't. But a huge number of posters have said "she was probably expecting to have a rest by now" as if that explains anything at all.

andweallsingalong · 27/01/2021 10:12

OP I really think you need to think hard about this.

If you're happy for DSis to continue to live with you and to raise your babies together, great. It could work well and you may both benefit.

But. If the long term plan is for DSis to live independently then surely (if at all possible) it's better for her to move into her own accommodation before baby is born. Much easier to settle in and sort carpets, decorating, furniture etc without having to care for a baby on top.

Who knows, when DSis has her own property and the enormous weight of everyone believing DM should step in and share her home with a newborn when she's been very clear she doesn't want to has lifted DM may become a happy and supportive grandmother.

Surely you can see being a grandmother and visiting is very different to living with a newborn.

combatbarbie · 27/01/2021 10:16

I'm really shocked at your mum. Of course it's not ideal having a baby at 16 but it was her choice. As a mother we take the rough with the smooth. Parenting is hard, even when your children are older!

Your sister must feel so rejected so it's a good thing she has you. Your priority now is to help her get housed. Like I said before council and social services need to be informed sooner rather than later... Ie today. However I would be firm that you cannot house her, if she says she's with you she will not be a priority.

MichelleScarn · 27/01/2021 10:19

@YukoandHiro

I'm absolutely staggered at everyone on here who seems to think that the Mum "having a rest" is more important than making sure a homeless 16 year old who is pregnant in a pandemic is safe. Her daughter, no less.
What about the girls dad? What about the babys dad? What about the paternal grandparents? Nope, its just the DMs responsibility because she's female and should because she's the female and everyone thinks it's her job.
Nimue21 · 27/01/2021 10:41

I'm absolutely staggered at everyone on here who seems to think that the Mum "having a rest" is more important than making sure a homeless 16 year old who is pregnant in a pandemic is safe

She's not homeless though, is she?

diddl · 27/01/2021 11:01

"When you become a parent you don't know how it's going to turn out. You don't get to just decide you're not going to support them when they make a choice you disagree with."

Perhaps when it comes to supporting their child as well as them it should be OK to step back?

Anyway, the 16yr old has two parents-the baby has 4 GPs!

That should be enough without Op's mum having to do everything!

TaraR2020 · 27/01/2021 11:04

Op, i think you're being a wonderful and loving sister and your DS is very lucky to have you.

As for your DSis, she comes across as bright and very mature. Impending motherhood must be frightening for her especially as she doesn't know where she's going to be living and from what you've said, she's doing wonderfully.

I know it will be tough with 2 small babies in a small space but you can be a support for each other and I think you and your DP are absolutely doing the right thing by allowing her to stay while she settles into motherhood. I can't imagine how scary and lonely it would be to do it by herself. Although I'm sure she could, she shouldn't have to.

Good luck to both of you Flowers

Shmithecat2 · 27/01/2021 11:12

@TaraR2020

As for your DSis, she comes across as bright and very mature.
Confused How? What is bright or mature about getting pregnant at 16yo, and doing NOTHING about it?

LannieDuck · 27/01/2021 11:13

I can't understand why she isn't moving in with her DF? He's offered. Why isn't she accepting?

Yes, it'll be a bit tight. But he's said she and baby can have the bedroom and he'll sleep on the sofa (or perhaps he could get a campbed)? He can give her the support she needs (emotionally and financially), and DM can have a grand-parent relationship with the baby. It seems like the perfect solution to me.

You might find that as soon as DM is no longer being forced into a role she doesn't want, that she becomes much more open to having a friendly, supportive grandparent role, and their relationship can start to heal.

Ericaequites · 27/01/2021 11:21

The majority of 16 year olds could not organize their own housin, find furniture for same, or cope with a baby full time. An open adoption would be a good solution to a complicated problem.

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