Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

But in this kind of situation is it’s not just ‘support’ your Dsis needs from your mum it’s everything that comes with having a baby. Essentially your mum is having a baby thrust upon her and is entitled to not want that or be happy about it. Your sister isn’t capable of being an independent adult, as evidenced by her still being in your spare room with no plan! So it’s all well and good to be like ‘it’s her choice’ but she’s not taking responsibility is she?

Teen/young pregnancy stories are so often portrayed as ‘I just need support’ when actually they need the parent to provide;
-money
-a home
-food/essentials
-considerable help with care

It’s a very different situation to becoming a grandparent to a child who doesn’t live with you and has independent parents capable of caring for/ supporting them. It’s not the same thing at all.

Every woman can make their own choice about having a baby but the choice is whether you have a child, you can’t choose to inflict your having a child on other people or expect them to provide for them.

@icecreamgirl94

Are social services involved with her? I mean, surely the midwife must have some serious safeguarding concerns about a 16 year old with mental health issues, who's own mother is refusing her home after having a baby??! An older sister who's about to have her own first baby isn't exactly a calm home life in which to get to grips with motherhood, and without baby groups and such, having little to no support could be a catastrophe for such a young girl. You also speak about her getting her own place, like thats in anyway easy for a single adult with a baby, never mind a child with their own baby to deal with. One with anxiety no less.

Genuinely surprised there isn't multiple concerns about all this - is her school even checking up on her?

@icecreamgirl94 who persuaded your sister to keep the baby? You say she tried to terminate twice. Did no one support her decision to terminate the pregnancy?

Whoever persuaded her to keep the baby should be the one to house and raise her baby. Your sister is NOT mature, as you claim her to be. She seems very naive and immature thinking she’ll have a fairytale outcome of her DM housing her and raising her child. Your sister and her ex made the decision to have sex without contraception. You need to get his family involved.

I feel sorry for your DM as she’s 56 and her whole family is demonising her. Why is everyone pushing the responsibility onto your DM? Why should she be the one to raise another child?

Also, you do realise that if your sister stays with you then you’re basically raising 3 children? Your baby, your sister and her baby.

There's a strange family dynamic here with the mum being kept in the dark whilst other family members weren't. I'd really like to hear her point of view.

[quote BrumBoo]@icecreamgirl94

Are social services involved with her? I mean, surely the midwife must have some serious safeguarding concerns about a 16 year old with mental health issues, who's own mother is refusing her home after having a baby??! An older sister who's about to have her own first baby isn't exactly a calm home life in which to get to grips with motherhood, and without baby groups and such, having little to no support could be a catastrophe for such a young girl. You also speak about her getting her own place, like thats in anyway easy for a single adult with a baby, never mind a child with their own baby to deal with. One with anxiety no less.

Genuinely surprised there isn't multiple concerns about all this - is her school even checking up on her?[/quote]
All of what Brumbroo has said here in relation to the concerns, however it seems to many pp that none of this actually matters and all will be fabulous providing the sisters' (dreadful, evil...) DM does as she's been told and 'steps' up. Its all on her.

@MessAllOver

Everyone on this thread who says the DSis is a child is absolutely right. She is a child. She shouldn't be having one. The rest of the family should have butted out when the mother and DSis were discussing what to do. Instead, it sounds like they may have had a hand in convincing Dsis to keep the baby. Really unfair on both mother and daughter. The mother, because they've essentially set her up to raise another child. The daughter, because having a baby at 16 is rarely a good life choice.

OP, I don't see a good outcome to this. If I were your mother, I would reluctantly take DSis back (because I couldn't abandon my child) and start preparing to raise a child again. But I'd be mighty pissed off at the rest of you.

This is absolutely correct, I feel sorry for the soon to be Grandmother.

You sound like an amazing sister. I'd have been so upset if my DD got pregnant so young. In fact we had the implant to avoid that situation. I think the world is a lot more black and white at 16 and as children themselves, the idea of an abortion can seem so wrong. And they don't have the life experience and maturity to understand how difficult being a parent is.

You say she is almost due. Have you spoken to your mum again and explained how difficult it will be for you and your DH to have your sister and her newborn in your home? She may have softened as she's had time to come to terms with the situation. She may also feel she's been shut out by you and your sister as you have taken on the role of mum.

I was born to a teenage mum in the 70s. My grandmother had her stay in the home but ostracised her and left her to go to hospital alone. This came back to my mum when I had my first child and caused further problems in their relationship. If there is any way to repair the relationship before she has the baby I would strongly urge this.

Also I can't see that the mum did chuck her daughter out, as some posters have said. The Op invited her sister to stay. Out of kindness. But as a result the mum and daughter have been able to stop communicating.

So DM wasn't good enough to be told about the pregnancy but apparently she's good enough to co-parent this grandchild?

I think your DF needs to step up here.

@icecreamgirl94

DM has said DSis can’t move back in because “it wouldn’t work now as too much has happened since she moved out”.

The decision to keep the baby was entirely made by DSis, twice my dad and I were aware she had gone to have an abortion, twice she came back in tears saying she couldn’t do it.

I’ve explained twice now that we had come to the agreement of DSis possibly only staying with DM for a few months if that was what DM wanted until she had got to grips with being a parent. DM now doesn’t want her back at all. DM has never been expected to give up her job or raise the child or anything else that’s been said. Unfortunately I think some people commenting haven’t bothered to read anything I’ve said properly.

Thank you to the posters offering advice and support, it really is appreciated.

I have talked with DSis and DP this evening about where we go from here if DM doesn’t want DSis and the baby in the house. DSis understands this means probably living alone sooner than she would really have liked to but knows she has to respect DM’s decision. When she has gone to bed later I will discuss with DP the possibility of her staying here longer while we help her get sorted but I didn’t want to discuss that with DSis without getting DP’s opinion first because he might not be happy with it.

DSis seems quite happy to look into accommodation options with the help of me and her dad, but obviously I don’t know if she’ll feel differently once the baby is actually here. On the other hand I think she might be in a better position to take in all the information properly once she has had the baby as she is obviously really stressed out about the (I think very imminent) birth at the moment.

The decision to keep the baby was entirely made by DSis, twice my dad and I were aware she had gone to have an abortion, twice she came back in tears saying she couldn’t do it

Maybe that is when she might have needed some support ? Where were you then ?

DM now doesn’t want her back at all. DM has never been expected to give up her job or raise the child or anything else that’s been said. Unfortunately I think some people commenting haven’t bothered to read anything I’ve said properly

You are very naive saying this - not EXPECTED TO but who is the one in this situation who would hear a baby cry all day etc ? Not you but your mother and once you are in that situation it would be very difficult to not be involved .

I don't disagree @Windchangeface - but if you have a daughter, that's one of the possible outcomes of your parenting route. To not offer that support, when it's most needed, is a dereliction of your own parenting duty. And frankly it should be true of sons who become teen fathers too, but let's be honest it's not. Because, patriarchy.

Either way surely the mum must realise that she's more likely to have a successful thriving young parent as a daughter, who goes on to have a stable life and achieve her goals independently and be a good mother herself and financially independent, if she provides this support now in these critical years. What chance has she got of getting her GCSEs of her mum doesn't have her back now? Bugger all, I'd say.

And if her mum doesn't have her back, what kind of mothering is that?

Your sister is lucky to have you op

Before demonising your mother, you should read some threads on here about the experiences of grandparent carers (especially single ones). Their financial worries, exhaustion and difficulties meeting the needs of their young grandchildren (despite their overwhelming love for them) make sobering reading. Often it starts for them with a teenage pregnancy and a young mother who can't cope.

I'm not saying that will happen to your DSis, who is lucky to have your support, but it may explain your DM's lack of enthusiasm. Also, realistically, she is the one best-placed to help your DSis raise her child (you are going to be too busy, your DF doesn't have room) so you do need to try your best to get her back onside. If you start by apologising for keeping her in the dark, listening to and acknowledging her concerns and agreeing a plan involving the whole family stepping up to support your DSis, that might go a long way to smoothing things over.

@YukoandHiro

I don't disagree *@Windchangeface* - but if you have a daughter, that's one of the possible outcomes of your parenting route. To not offer that support, when it's most needed, is a dereliction of your own parenting duty. And frankly it should be true of sons who become teen fathers too, but let's be honest it's not. Because, patriarchy.

Either way surely the mum must realise that she's more likely to have a successful thriving young parent as a daughter, who goes on to have a stable life and achieve her goals independently and be a good mother herself and financially independent, if she provides this support now in these critical years. What chance has she got of getting her GCSEs of her mum doesn't have her back now? Bugger all, I'd say.

And if her mum doesn't have her back, what kind of mothering is that?

GCSEs are cancelled for 2021, so that's not the issue. Also, the mother is furloughed, but still employed. When she has to go back to work, what will the 16yo do then?

[quote Shmithecat2]@C0NNIE

👏👏 to everything you've said.[/quote]
I agree

Oh this is so sad, your poor dsis. I do think it’s your DM (and DDad’s) responsively as her parents, actually. If it was anything else then it would be assumed/expected that they’d help and support- why should this be any different?

She may come round when the baby is born , but I believe she felt shut out in the very beginning when everyone knew but her , and is now angry and bloody minded . You must try and engineer for your mum to meet and hold her new grandchild as soon as possible ,whether she is that keen or not . If she cannot make a connection to this child it will be so difficult for all of you .

[quote BrumBoo]@icecreamgirl94

Are social services involved with her? I mean, surely the midwife must have some serious safeguarding concerns about a 16 year old with mental health issues, who's own mother is refusing her home after having a baby??! An older sister who's about to have her own first baby isn't exactly a calm home life in which to get to grips with motherhood, and without baby groups and such, having little to no support could be a catastrophe for such a young girl. You also speak about her getting her own place, like thats in anyway easy for a single adult with a baby, never mind a child with their own baby to deal with. One with anxiety no less.

Genuinely surprised there isn't multiple concerns about all this - is her school even checking up on her?[/quote]
All of this. Where is her school in all of this? Her head of year should be actively part of this conversation, there should be school's pastoral care involved, especially with estrangement from DM. How are they completely unaware? If she is due now, she would certainly have been showing during last term when they were all back in class.

Social services should be involved too and be attempting to mediate and support Dsis and DM. Dsis's midwife should have referred her to CSC the moment they first had contact with her. There is no suggestion that your home isn't safe for her but you don't expect her to stay so she is essentially a homeless child right now.

The lack of professional involvement here seems very strange. Potentially homeless teen pregnancy screams safeguarding and you havent mentioned any involvements at all.

Your poor mum. Don't kid yourself, if your sister and her baby were living at home, your mum would be saddled with much work, having to raise her daughter's innocent mistake. The poor woman may have thought she could breath a little at her age, but apparently your whole family and the emoji-squad of MN have decided to draft her again...
Why is your father not taking his daughter in?

I agree with PP, maybe you could restrict communication with your mum until she does what is right.

What you think is 'right' you mean.

Has anyone at any point mentioned the possibility of adoption to your sister? It strikes me she's about to ruin her own life, bring a baby into challenging circumstances, and make the lives of everyone around her harder.
Sorry to sound harsh but she could give this baby an amazing life with adoptive parents, still stay in touch and hear how the child gets on, while being able to live out the rest of her own childhood, and have her whole future ahead of her.

@Shmithecat2 Not saying it would be easy, but then as another poster said neither is having a profoundly disabled child, or a child with cancer or child who gets mixed up in gangs or drugs.

When you become a parent you don't know how it's going to turn out. You don't get to just decide you're not going to support them when they make a choice you disagree with.

@OfaFrenchmind2 He's offered to but he doesn't have a spare bedroom and would be sleeping on the sofa himself.

Read the thread before you comment

@Windchangeface

But in this kind of situation is it’s not just ‘support’ your Dsis needs from your mum it’s everything that comes with having a baby. Essentially your mum is having a baby thrust upon her and is entitled to not want that or be happy about it. Your sister isn’t capable of being an independent adult, as evidenced by her still being in your spare room with no plan! So it’s all well and good to be like ‘it’s her choice’ but she’s not taking responsibility is she?

Teen/young pregnancy stories are so often portrayed as ‘I just need support’ when actually they need the parent to provide;
-money
-a home
-food/essentials
-considerable help with care

It’s a very different situation to becoming a grandparent to a child who doesn’t live with you and has independent parents capable of caring for/ supporting them. It’s not the same thing at all.

Every woman can make their own choice about having a baby but the choice is whether you have a child, you can’t choose to inflict your having a child on other people or expect them to provide for them.

100% true.

OP you sound like a fantastic sister..so caring and supportive.
I cannot understand why your mother has taken this attitude with your sister who is clearly so young and vulnerable! You have explained it clearly here as to why there was a delay in telling your mum so she really needs to get over it and support her child, a mother is a mother for life!! .