Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

I feel a little sorry for your mum. Previous posters are right that other family members could step in to help. Your mum must be very hurt to have found out last that her daughter was pregnant. And only finding out she was 4 months gone. Then suddenly her daughter decides to move out. You seem like a lovely sister but I imagine for your mum it’s very hard thinking she’s close to getting her freedom back and then suddenly her 16 year old dd is having a baby. And she’s having her daughter’s choices pushed onto her. And everyone is expecting her to step in. Yes I’m sure a lot of mum’s who falls pregnant in their teen years did it all and raised their children but there’s no doubt the OP’s sister will require extensive support. Could she speak to the baby’s father? There is another family who should be stepping in to help. Only you know what your mum is like but my mum would be incredibly hurt by all that’s happened.

@smeerf

Whatever mistakes have been made with having her move in etc, they can't be changed. It would be nice for her to go home but that's not an option now.

So DSis either stays with you or moves to dad's.

Time for the "supportive" family members to out their money where their mouth is.

I second all the pps who think that a home birth for a 16 year old FTM (whose birth partner hasn't given birth before either) is just bonkers.

Outrage either way by posters is pointless. You are here and its happening. Your mums position is her choice as is your sisters. Neither is "more wrong" but your sister has had a lot more choice than your mum. Sadly that has consequences.

I agree with the above but i would think long and hard before heading down the " you've got two granchildren or none!!!" Hystronics route.
Things change over time and broadly your mother sounds close to you.

I would also consider approaching the boys parents, depending, they may/may not be available to contribute positively to their grandchilds life. (Both emotionally and fiscally)

However hurt and cross your mum is now, she may change her tune when the baby is here (especially if it's putting extra pressure on you as well, having them both). I would be very annoyed in her shoes, but I couldn't watch my child(ren) suffering and struggling with parenthood without helping. And it's very unlikely that she will treat the two babies differently once they've here.

Best wishes to your sister and to you for the next little while.

Everyone needs to calm down.

OP, don't go NC just because you aren't happy with your Mum's current behaviour. As other have said, she may well change, and I wouldn't press the nuclear button yet (despite all the usual MN urging.....).

She has had her choices taken away from her. The first thing she knew about this baby was when your daughter told her she was keeping it, and moved out soon after. She probably feels that if she knew, and and got her say,, your sister's choice may have been different. But she didn't get the chance The rest of the family knew before her, and were "supportive", but she knows damn well that in RL, SHE will be the one with most of the responsibility:

The boys and his parents seem to have legged it.
Your sister should be doing exams and going to school and college. Who's caring for the baby then?....You, your Dad?.

Cut her some slack.

Practically speaking, is there a sixth form college nearby with a crèche? That could allow her to continue in September with her education.

My concern is the longer you let dsis live with you, the more likely is she will never move out.

You say she is a mature 16 and knows she can't live with you full time, but I suspect she is just saying that and hopes either you or dm will house her and not put her in temporary council funded accommodation.

“ DSis seems quite happy to look into accommodation options with the help of me and her dad”

Why can’t she do it herself? She sounds completely passive and clueless.

I went to the same university as my best friend from childhood. Our families were close, so knew all concerned well. In our first year she got pregnant. Her mother went crazy, took back the car she had given her because it was 'for university, and you've ruined that now'. She wasn't living at home anyway, and was moving in with her boyfriend when her uni accommodation lease finished. Her mother wouldn't acknowledge her at all.
At 7 months she had a still birth and was totally devastated, the tables turned at this point and she totally stopped trying with her mother and they never spoke again.
Friend went on to have 2 dc not long after, with the same boyfriend and she completed her degree.
I appreciate that she was slightly older before someone says it - however, I had my eldest at 20 a few months after friend had her first full term baby and her mother would try to make a big fuss of my baby whenever I bumped in to her was very odd.
She never did have contact with her own grandchildren and she dropped dead on Mother's Day which happened to fall on her birthday that particular year. The gc were about 5 & 7 when she died.
To me it's always seemed such a waste, time is the one thing we cannot get back. It taught me that there was very, very little that would make me turn my back on my dc. None of us know what the future holds or how short it might be.

Firstly, the dad doesn't get to walk away, he has to take responsibility. That means paying through cms till child is 18, Secondly whilst you are helping you have now ended up taking responsibility for your sister.
Her parents and her need to take it now, if she is old enough to make a baby she now has to follow that through.
I think adoption or an early foster placement would be options she needs to consider.
No judgement to your mum except she now needs to put on her big girl pants and sort it out, not leave her older daughter to sort her shit out for her.....

Op's Mum might accept her sister's baby well enough.

That still doesn't mean that she has to be the one to house them, does it?

If she is still in the family home-because of having a child at home-then surely that needs looking at?

Your problem with letting her settle at yours is that they wont view her as homeless. She has a guardian - you and she has a home.

Hi OP, firstly you are a wonderful caring sister and your sis is lucky to have you at this tricky time. She'll never forget that you've been there for her when she's young and vulnerable and her mum stepped back.

I just wanted to say that, as both your sister and you are first time mums and won't know this yet, the first few months after birth can be very difficult. I would say that if you're offering her the chance to stay with you, you do need to accept it will likely take her a lot longer to get back on her feet than both you and her realise. The first three months there's the physical healing, and the psychologist adjustment to motherhood can take longer. You may need to be patient - so maybe just be aware of that now, and discuss it calmly now with your DH, before everyone is tanked up on postnatal hormones and sleep deprivation.

On the other hand it might be nice for you and your sister to share the early days of motherhood. Often women can feel that nobody around them (particularly men) understand the sudden shock and responsibility of becoming a mum, so sharing that in the same house could be very bonding for you. And your sis should be psychically recovered enough to help you out in your early days with food, drinks etc. She'll probably be able to anticipate what you need far more easily than your DH!

@Beefcurtains79 She's SIXTEEN, about to go into labour in the middle of a pandemic and her mother has abandoned her. Jesus Christ. Have a heart.
Some of the cruel posts on here make me sad for the daughters you're parenting frankly.

Yes, it might be worth having a conversation a few weeks in with your DSis to see whether she's coping with being a parent. Unfortunately, wanting a child isn't always enough. It's a long, hard slog at times and, if she can't cope, you might need to be open to thinking about alternatives. Hopefully, your mum will step up in that case and care for her grandchild and it won't come to that.

Fwiw, you and the rest of your family will need to think carefully about how you can help your mum if she does end up as essentially a grandparent carer. My own DM is just a couple of years older than your mother. She's in good health and an involved grandparent who loves seeing my 3 yo, but she openly admits that looking after him for extended periods of time leaves her shattered, even though she only does it occasionally.

I think this is a difficult situation.

I do agree your sister has made an adult decision to have sex and has found herself pregnant. She has been irresponsible and must have known your mother's views and how she might react.

Then again, these things happen and I certainly don't know the full story but I am surprised your mother has not come around at all. Will she not want a relationship with her grandchild?

It's also not fair on you when you have your own child due.

Your sister needs to look into finding somewhere to live.

[quote icecreamgirl94]@loubieloo4 thank you. I really don’t know where this leaves my relationship with DM to be honest, I think I’m sort of waiting to see if things drastically change once DSis’s baby is here and hoping that they do because I don’t want to fully lose contact with DM but I think fully rejecting DSis would give me no choice. It’s hard because DP and I are so excited for this baby and can’t wait to meet him/her but we feel guilty feeling like this around DSis.[/quote]
This is a terrible, mean thing for you to do to your own mother. So, unless she does what you dictate, by taking back your sister and supporting her financially, practically and emotionally in this pregnancy and with a baby, toddler etc, you will “fully” lose contact with your own mother? That is very manipulative, and nasty.

If you and your father and all this extended family are so supportive of this baby, how about your father finds somewhere else to live that’s two bedroom so he can do the grunt work of supporting his daughter with this new baby. It’s so nice that he’s so supportive of her and willing to “help”, but he gets to opt out of all care and responsibility by every so unfortunately not having practical housing options. How convenient for him.

Or, she can live with you and your partner indefinitely. It will put a great deal of stress on your relationship with your partner, and your finances, but if you are this supportive you will manage it.

Your sister by all accounts can’t organise her way out of a cardboard box, and can’t manage her own relationships with people without you or your father and extended family involvement, yet is apparently mature enough to parent a newborn ... it’s clearly inconvenient for everyone else that your mother has put her foot down about this because everyone else has plenty of opinions and decisions they’ve made as long as they don’t have to help out (at all, or very much).

So what of the baby’s father and his parents (if he’s as useless as your sister?). Why can’t they step up with practical and emotional support that does not involve dumping the lot on your mother?

I do think you did a good, generous thing taking in your sister. But she must learn to stand on her own feet and take responsibility for the choices she’s made and the life she now has to leave. And you need to stop dictating how your own mother lives her life.

she told me and our dad as soon as she found out, but didn’t tell my mum until nearly 4 months when she had decided to keep the baby because she didn’t want DM to offer to come with her for the abortion as she thought it would upset DM. That’s what she told me anyway.

Is your mother very upset at having been kept in the dark?

I understand how disappointing it must be for the mum to have felt pushed out of such a difficult decision (although it wasn't hers to make, at all) but I'm astonished that everyone here is saying that her getting her independence back takes precedence over supporting a vulnerable 16 year old through the first months of being a parent.

Nobody is saying that she needs to live with her mum forever. Mum could put a clear time limit on it and set boundaries for childcare. But what mother could leave their teen daughter with nowhere to live at 9 months pregnant in a pandemic?

I'm not at all surprised the older sis is so upset. These kind of decisions have consequences. She's within her rights not to let her daughter back, of course, but honestly to imagine that won't affect her relationship with the whole family is bonkers.

Your mum is right to be disappointed in your sister. However your sister is old enough and living in the 21st century!! If she doesn't know how babies are made or to use condoms then she is (sorry) stupid. And to be truthful, your mum has some blame on that too!

Regardless, sister is underaged and your parents are her carers. They need to step up and take care of her, at least show her how to get help and, if it's their intention, how to be out of the their house at 18.

I agree with PP, maybe you could restrict communication with your mum until she does what is right.

Also sounds like she knew DM would put undue pressure on her to abort. She might be angry at being kept in the dark but this was not ever her decision to make

@VegemiteIsToasty "as long as they don't have to help out"

Erm, OP and her DH are letting sister stay in their own home even though they're about to have their own child and they've offered to give her extra time there to adjust. That's incredibly selfless and kind. It's more than "helping out"

@2ndtimemum2 Well done on everything you've achieved - how wonderful.
And I agree with everything you said

[quote YukoandHiro]@VegemiteIsToasty "as long as they don't have to help out"

Erm, OP and her DH are letting sister stay in their own home even though they're about to have their own child and they've offered to give her extra time there to adjust. That's incredibly selfless and kind. It's more than "helping out"[/quote]
I completely agree with this. It is very generous, it is selfless and kind.

But we are also talking about a small window of time in a very long period of babyhood, toddlerhood and childhood. Of emotional, practical and financial support. OP, her father and extended family are making decisions about what should happen in this period of time and dumping it all on her mother.

@icecreamgirl94

I don’t know much about the father so I can’t really comment much, I just know that he’s her age, he went to both abortion appointments with her but respected her choice to not go through with it and gave her some money (not sure on the amount) for the baby but made it clear he wants no more involvement.

But he does not get to make that choice. How is your dsis planning to support herself and their child? If she has a specialist mw is she also under ss for young parents? If not she needs an urgent referral. If you house her it is likely that their priority to support her will be lessened. In this respect your dm may actually be more astute in her actions. It may seem great to offer a room, childcare etc but you will have your own baby and may well find it difficult to meet everyone's needs.

I think the parents of the child’s father need to know the situation, unless there are extenuating circumstances that make that unwise?