Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

I think somethings not right. It’s odd that a 16 year old with no proper home has been offered a home birth at the moment. Most trusts aren’t supporting any home births at the moment due to COVID
OP, are you sure you have the facts right?

Have you considered some form of kinship care/fostering and raising your sister’s baby as a sibling to your little one? Your sister is not ready to be a mom emotionally or logistically. After she finishes her education and is earning, she can take the her child for increasing amounts of time.
Have your sister watch the MTV show Teen Mom. It graphically shows how hard being a mother at 16 or17.
Has anyone contacted the father’s mum? Perhaps she can help as well. She will want to know she will be a grandmother.

Cross posts galore..

@Tavannach

I'm surprised that the midwife agreed to a homebirth when she hasn't got a permanent residence.

Me too. And I'm astonished that a first-time mother aged 16 is having a home birth.

The plan to live at your Dad's seems the only viable option.

Me too! Home birth at 16??

That really sounds like a poor idea, to me.

But otherwise... Where is the boyfriend/ baby-father in all this? Where is everyone suggesting they explore the 16 year old moving in with her boyfriend's family?

Why is he, and they (assuming they even know!) allowed to stroll away while half of the posters on here are calling the 56 year old (grand) mum vile?

I would love to hear her opinion on here!

[quote Porcupineintherough]@LouiseTrees in the fullness of time the sister can claim maintenance from the baby's father. But not, realistically, for the next 2-5 years. One of the disadvantages of getting pregnant by a teenager is that they're unlikely to earn much.[/quote]
I'd hope they could hit up his family, the child-father's family. In the same way so many are advocating the 16 year old hit up hers.

You sound like an amazing big sister

Is it only babies that PPs feel this way about? What if your 16 year old did something really stupid and ended up in a wheelchair? Would you refuse to help them with self care /hospital appointments /physiotherapy because they made a stupid decision that led to them making additional demands on your time, finances and energy?

I mean, I can understand the sentiment of feeling aggrieved that you suddenly have this additional extra burden and the frustration that it could have been avoided. But I just can't see how that would outweigh the desire to care for your child in their most difficult moments.

Your poor DSIS, your mum is being bang out of order and I hope she changes her ways before your DSIS gives birth.

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? She has had 9 months notice to sort something out. Surely she’s worked out she can’t sleep in your nursery forever?

Perhaps she thought she would be the happy recipient of that unconditional maternal love she's heard about.

I really feel for your sister; please try to think how you would be feeling if the roles were reversed.

Your mum should feel ashamed for not supporting her daughter when she needs her the most.

@percypetulant I do have a limited knowledge of adoption, I was just musing that it was still an option if the op's dsis felt trapped after making the decision not to terminate.

Thanks everyone for the advice, just checking back in now. I’ve spoken to DP and he has agreed to DSis staying once the baby is here and letting her get settled into parenthood before we decide what to do next.

@BeforeThisThenWhat no you’re absolutely right I’m talking complete rubbish I was meant to be saying that she really wants a home birth because she’s worried about being in hospital because of covid, but she is having a hospital birth, I just hope she doesn’t try to stay at home as long as possible when she’s in labour because I know being is hospital is a big part of her anxiety. That’s what I meant to say but only started writing half of it then cut myself off. Pregnancy brain, sorry!

You do sound like a lovely sister, your dsis won’t forget what you and your DP have done for her, and she won’t forget her mum not being there for her either. Unless things change soon I expect your mum has burnt her bridges there forever, her relationship with her youngest and probably you too will never recover. After all although your mum is happy for you, she doesn’t seem bothered about the extra strain being placed on you by her lack of support for your dsis. I do think that it is odd that so many posters are emphasising that your dsis must take full responsibility for her child, but don’t seem to expect the same of your mum.

I do apologise if I have offered anyone by mentioning adoption, it wasn't intended that way. My niece got pregnant at 14 and couldn't terminate. It was a difficult time for everyone.

I would suspend all discussions now @icecreamgirl94 until your poor little Dsis had had her baby. She's got enough going on to get to grips with that, without worrying about further along in her future.

Going to hospital might be a really horrible experience for her. You can tell what other mums and nurses might be like with her from some of the nasty attitudes on this thread. Teen mums really bear the brunt of the bullies amongst us.

Your DM will probably come round if you can engineer a bit of bonding with her first grandchild. But I'm not sure I'd want to if I was you. She's really let you both down badly. After all, your experience of looking forward to a much-wanted, long-awaited baby is also being marred by her pathetic response.

If your Dad could move to somewhere more suitable that would seem like a solution for you all?

@MessAllOver

Your mum probably thinks that she's going to be left holding the baby (your sister's), both practically and financially. And, if your sister moves back home, that's probably what's going to happen. So it's no wonder she's less than thrilled (besides which, she's probably worried about your sister's future). She was probably hoping to be past that stage by now and looking forward to a less stressful life spoiling her grandchildren.

If I were in this situation, I'd be devastated, to be honest. Because the most likely way I would see for my child to continue in full-time education and access further/higher education and qualifications to build a good life for themselves would be for me to proxy parent for the first few years. And parenting a baby/young child is exhausting.

exactly what I thought. She has a 16 year old - just coming to the end of the 'tied down' phase of parenting

Oh god this thread has broken my heart I was 16 when I got pregnant and thank god my.parents supported.me.and helped.me.raise my wonderful now 16 year old son. Being 16 and pregnant is far from ideal and I hate to.see teenagers pregnant from my own experience but just because she chose to continue the pregnancy doesn't mean she.should be disowned.

You are so.amazing to provide the support that your sister will so desperately need. She.may be a young mother but.she.can still.go.on to do some amazing things with her life, I have masters own my own home have a 6 figure.salary, ive travelled to over 25 countries with my.son...with the right.support your sister can do the same..I really hope she realises how.lucky she is to have.you.

I am also so shocked at the lack of empathy from.some of the posters on this thread...for those of you with the negative attitudes just remember that it was those attitudes that kept the mother and baby homes going for so long. Maybe have a read of the 796 tuam babies scandal in ireland and it might just give some.people an attitude adjustment.

@icecreamgirl94

Thanks everyone for the advice, just checking back in now. I’ve spoken to DP and he has agreed to DSis staying once the baby is here and letting her get settled into parenthood before we decide what to do next.

@BeforeThisThenWhat no you’re absolutely right I’m talking complete rubbish I was meant to be saying that she really wants a home birth because she’s worried about being in hospital because of covid, but she is having a hospital birth, I just hope she doesn’t try to stay at home as long as possible when she’s in labour because I know being is hospital is a big part of her anxiety. That’s what I meant to say but only started writing half of it then cut myself off. Pregnancy brain, sorry!

Umm ok 🤔

Odd thing to get 'confused' about though. You said you would be with her as it was a home birth. So did you mean you would be with her in the hospital.

Sounds like the baby is coming very soon indeed - how exciting!!!

@icecreamgirl94
Slightly frivolous, but my midwife said girls of Sixteen are at their prime physically for giving birth.
''Young, strong and flexible''

Labour is indeed hard work, especially for a first.

But my thoughts are with you and your baby....Having your sister and her baby there will be noisy and you won't have the peace and quiet times to bond with your own baby...Good luck though.

icecreamgirl:

I just hope she doesn’t try to stay at home as long as possible when she’s in labour because I know being is hospital is a big part of her anxiety.
........
I always think it is a good idea to stay at home for as long as possible after labour starts (unless there is a problem), there is more freedom to walk about for a start.

Your sister will be fine, as long as everything goes smoothly she will be out of hospital in no time.

I think you are doing a great job by caring for your sister at this difficult time, bless her.

There really is something to be said for not heading to hospital too soon in labour, most people labour much better at home and go in when they are really barely even started.

Anyway - I think I would stop seeing my mother under circumstances like that, and I generally don't believe in turning away family unless they are dangerous. But I couldn't deal with seeing my mother acknowledge my child but not my sisters.

As far as I am concerned, she is turning away from her parental responsibilities. Parenting doesn't have an end by date, if your 15 year old has a stupid accident and becomes permanently disabled you don't get to say "oh, sorry, I want to be free now, I've done what I signed up for". Maybe she feels guilty.

It's very kind of you OP to let her stay longer. I do tend to think it might be a good idea to try and sort out something before long however - you might find it difficult having two infants in a small home together. On the other hand I don't see her being alone in a flat with a new baby as a great idea either. If she could manage to get a slightly bigger place with your dad, or some kid of group housing for young mums, both could work well.

I would consider looking at the parents of the father of the baby for some support. Even if the father thinks he doesn't want to be involved, I would not assume that is true of the parents, I've known cases where they were extremely supportive, financially for sure, but also with other practical things like drives to appointments, childcare, and so on. Obviously this won't be good advice if she thinks they are unsuitable.

I'd also say that one of the worst things about this thread is the implication that having a child is a sort of lifestyle choice and if your situation isn't great, you really have a sort of obligation to others to have an abortion. You sure as heck should require any help.

It's fundamentally the same as the parents who would force young unwed mums to put their babies up for adoption, or pressure them into it.

I suspect many abortion campaigners thought they would free women from that sort of thing, but in some ways it's actually worse now.

It is a very sad situation all round.

There does seem to be a fair amount of sexism in the belief that grandmother needs to be the person who provides a house and support for this grandchild.

The family as whole both the mother and father's side should be pulling together to support this young mother and child.

It shouldn't be expected that one woman in her late fifties will step in and sort this out by herself.

The grandfather has offered to have them, it's not like he is skiving off. But a one bedroom flat isn't ideal.

The reason the mother is getting criticised is because the daughter was living with her, in the family home - the father having had to leave. And the mother stopped speaking and interacting with her.

Maybe the gf could move into the family home with the daughter and granddaughter, and the gm could live in the one bedroom flat.

Your mother is despicable. She’s furloughed and has every opportunity right now to teach her 16 year old to be a mum and give her some love and care. This is what your dsis actually needs. An adult to guide her. A parent. Your dsis is in her gcse year if I’m not mistaken. I understand your mother doesn’t want to be left holding the baby but this doesn’t sound like your dsis’s intention. My take is that this is your mother’s pride talking because she wasn’t consulted when you and your father were. She is a middle aged woman, who needs to get over her hurt and grow up.

As for your father, idk if he has the means to get a two bed. This would seem ideal. But tbh the one bed will be fine for now. Reading between the lines, I am wondering if he left the family home to your mother as you both lived with her and got himself what he could afford, which wasn’t much. He also needs to start being an equal parent to your 16 yo sister. I can see why your mother thinks she shouldn’t get the responsibility all over again.

Tbh the glaringly obvious situation would be for her to swap houses with your father. I know that won’t happen and perhaps I am wrong in my assertion that your mother is living in your family home. But can you see what I mean.

As for you, good on you for stepping up and being the big sister your dsis needs. You sound lovely. Unfortunately it is very unrealistic to expect your dsis to be able to study and look after her baby so please be aware this is going to be incredibly tough for her. Your mother knows this, which is why I’m saying how incredibly selfish she is being, and in what I think is a crucial year academically for your dsis. It’s hard to explain how all consuming a baby is until they arrive.

Someone upthread mentioned the boy’s mother. Have you been in contact with her at all? Maybe she would be willing to help with childcare. I know as a newborn your dsis won’t be able to be away from her baby for long. But it could be something to explore and a possible lifeline for her.

Is there anyone else, who could help? Aunts, uncles or sprightly grandparents? I know this isn’t a great time to be needing help. But I think you should try to help your sister find a support network. With vaccinations happening right now, the pandemic will hopefully soon be under control.

I kind of feel sorry for your mum tbh. She’s had all these decisions made FOR her and probably feels like she no longer had any control over her own life. If your sister is in her GSCE year then yes, there’s a pretty damn good chance your mum will be the one left holding the baby, and she probably bloody well knows it.

Who’s paid for all the baby stuff so far? Even second hand the big ticket items are expensive, pram, car seat, cot, drawers etc. not to mention all the million little things, nappies, clothes, sheets, towels, bibs, blah blah blah. I find it hard to believe a 16yo with a part time job managed it all tbh. I struggled working full time on a good wage. But I suppose I also had rent and bills to pay...

I have a 16yo daughter and while I would not kick her out if she found herself in this situation, I would honestly be mighty pissed off. Because I KNOW it would be my financial and practical responsibility. She has to go to school and has no money. Seems bloody unfair.