Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

@C0NNIE

👏👏 to everything you've said.

Could you not ask your mum to be supportive of her because it helps you out because otherwise you have the load of her baby and your own?

@icecreamgirl94

I don’t know much about the father so I can’t really comment much, I just know that he’s her age, he went to both abortion appointments with her but respected her choice to not go through with it and gave her some money (not sure on the amount) for the baby but made it clear he wants no more involvement.

Doesn’t matter. He made the baby so he pays for it, regardless of whether he wants it or not

I don’t think being unable to abort a baby is unreasonable , nor does it make a 16 year old into a mature adult. My heart goes out to both of you op!

I’d have to be honest with my mum, which is ‘mum, I love you and of course I want you to be close to my baby, but I don’t know if I can handle you seeing my baby while ignoring my baby sister, she needs her mum more than I do and she’s been abandoned. I don’t think I can bear you being close to my baby knowing there’s another tiny baby out there who doesn’t know you, and knowing you’re a mum who has cast off your child pretty much when she needs you the most. I will never do that to my baby. I am just going to have to see how things go.’

I'm surprised that the midwife agreed to a homebirth when she hasn't got a permanent residence.

Me too. And I'm astonished that a first-time mother aged 16 is having a home birth.

The plan to live at your Dad's seems the only viable option.

@LouiseTrees how exactly is either the 16yr old dad, or the 16yr old mum to be, expected to pay for the baby? Neither are legally able to work full time, at best (assuming he's year 12) he could get a paid apprenticeship, but nothing like a 'proper' full time wage. That's not to say the onus is on mum, but both of them at 16, their own parents are still legally responsible for them!
Whether there's mumsnetters on here who moved out at 15 and went down the pits isn't relevant, the law has changed - they are both children and cannot be self sufficient even if they wanted to.

Where I am it’s not too late.

There are local charities and facilities that can help accommodate new mums and babies.

I would highly recommend OP contact social services to explain the situation now - that mum is no longer an option.

As for your mum... I’d tell her where to go.

I’m speaking as someone who was in this situation, my sister gave birth at 15, I couldn’t accommodate her due to my own circumstances. But now she’s in an amazing placement where she can find independence, and she’s grown so warm to the idea of moving into her own place a year later. She is on her second college course. We both have absolutely nothing to do with our mother.

There’s one thing I will warm you of-selfishly- there are times where having to support her so much feels like I had a third child. That can sometimes feel very difficult when you haven’t chosen this, but when it’s your sister you don’t have the choice.

Good luck OP.

[quote icecreamgirl94]@poptartsarefood DM does work but is currently on furlough. Yes you did read right that she found out last, well, after me, my dad and my DP, and I agree that wasn’t right but DSis was adamant she didn’t want DM to know anything about it if she was going to have an abortion because she thought it would upset DM.

@diddl DSis has tried to maintain contact with phone calls and texts, DM rarely answers or replies to her, but always answers my calls and texts and has bought a few bits and pieces for my baby, nothing for DSis’s. The moving in with me during pregnancy was my idea to give them both space, as I said all 3 of us agreed this was for the best and that DSis would be moving back in.[/quote]
I’d be calling out my mum and saying she’ll have two grandchildren or none and it’s not fair to punish the child for the actions of the adult.

Your update stating that you Mum doesn't respond to your sister's calls and texts changes things. There's obviously no point reaching out to her then. I hope your Dad can help with finding your sister long-term accommodation, you're already going above and beyond, one of her parents needs to be more involved.

My dd was 16 when she Fell pregnant. It was an absolute shocker of a time. There is absolutely no way on earth I could have turned my back on her. We did our best. Dgs was born the same month our business went bust. We had alot to deal with it but we got through it and I couldn't imagine life without dgs although believe me it has been super tough at times. My dd and dgs now live in a beautiful house and dd has a really good job and fab prospects. Your mum shouldn't see it as the end! If your sister is as clued up as you say she is then she will be ok with the right support. But I would speak to the health visitor. We had great support from dds. Also at her age and being estranged from home would the social services be helpful? You are a great sister but your mum really needs to support her too as really that's what being a parent is about .

i'd be considering reporting your bloody mom to social services for abuse, neglect and child abandonment, fucking bitch.. sorry, but she is.

Your Dsis is 16 ffs, she's still a child and still legally the responsibility of her parents, one or the other of them needs to step the fuck up because you dont have PR over her and it isnt YOUR responsibility to sort it out, and you can't make important medical decisions for her in the event of something going wrong during labour (So far as i know, i could be wrong)

I don't see the major issue if your dad is willing to have them for a while at least. He might like the company. At least it's a roof over their heads, surely.

I'd say to your DM that you don't want her to choose which grandchild she sees as it will cause divisiveness between the cousins, so it's both or none.

@FourDecades she has a secure home with her sister and her own room, as long as it’s clean, tidy and an ambulance can access easily if need be, absolutely no reason why they would refuse her having a home birth.

I’d go with the option of her living with her Dad seeing as he’s offering that option.

Moving to a 2 bed might be a possibility but if not then I’m sure they’d be ok short term.

[quote Cheesyblasters]@RogueRebel children's services can step in immediately if they have to. Its not ideal but it doesn't necessarily mean it's 'too late'. Comparing it to the waiting lists for permanent council housing isn't helpful. As has been stated in thread, a 16 yr old can't rock up to the council and apply for housing, because they are a child. At any stage they can get help from children's services, it just might mean that if she needs accommodating that she has to accept something temporary before finding the solution that best fits her.[/quote]
But that's the point isn't it she isn't going to be put into a house straight away and as I mentioned she is more likely to be put into a foster care situation or mother and baby unit hostel type - but I can guarantee that pressure will be put onto the OP to keep her dsis as she will be classed as in a safe environment and this will take pressure off the services that are already stretched. To formally get housed the OP will be made to kick her sister out with a baby officially before they are willing to help.

I think your dad would be a better option than your sister struggling alone with a baby during lockdown. Better cramped than isolated. She does not sound like she has her head screwed on and she doesn't sound mature at all. There are issues you don't seem to have expected her to have considered that she really should have thought of by now. It does sound, whatever you're saying, that in the back of her mind she's been expecting to raise her child at her mum's house - that's not on, really, unless your mum had offered.

The home birth idea is insane IMO. Maximum trauma and disruption for you with a first time young adult and minimum access to emergency care (and no guarantee of an ambulance at the moment!).

One point that does strike me is the impact your mum's affair must have had on your sister. Her home life effectively ended in the way she knew it because of your mum's selfish decision. Her father was broken. This will have had a huge impact on your sister. I do think your mum owes her latitude and a bit of extra effort. Your mum does sound unpleasant, especially with the way she's clearly planning to favour one grandchild over the other.

@LouiseTrees in the fullness of time the sister can claim maintenance from the baby's father. But not, realistically, for the next 2-5 years. One of the disadvantages of getting pregnant by a teenager is that they're unlikely to earn much.

[quote Cheesyblasters]@LouiseTrees how exactly is either the 16yr old dad, or the 16yr old mum to be, expected to pay for the baby? Neither are legally able to work full time, at best (assuming he's year 12) he could get a paid apprenticeship, but nothing like a 'proper' full time wage. That's not to say the onus is on mum, but both of them at 16, their own parents are still legally responsible for them!
Whether there's mumsnetters on here who moved out at 15 and went down the pits isn't relevant, the law has changed - they are both children and cannot be self sufficient even if they wanted to.[/quote]
He’s said he wants nothing more to do with it period. Not, once I leave school and get a job then I’ll contribute. He may not need to contribute now but you think because he got someone pregnant at 16 instead of 17, 18 or 19 he should never contribute?

[quote Porcupineintherough]@LouiseTrees in the fullness of time the sister can claim maintenance from the baby's father. But not, realistically, for the next 2-5 years. One of the disadvantages of getting pregnant by a teenager is that they're unlikely to earn much.[/quote]
This I agree with.

in the back of her mind she's been expecting to raise her child at her mum's house

Which is a pretty reasonable thing to expect at 16, poor girl. It I'd really, really sad her mum isnt there for her, however disappointed she may be.

@RogueRebel again you're mixing this up with adult housing services. The sister doesn't have to be kicked out by the OP to qualify for being accommodated by children's services (which could be foster placement, m&b, supported housing, or if exceptionally independent, a tenancy that SS would guarantee)

Whatever mistakes have been made with having her move in etc, they can't be changed. It would be nice for her to go home but that's not an option now.

So DSis either stays with you or moves to dad's.

Time for the "supportive" family members to out their money where their mouth is.

I second all the pps who think that a home birth for a 16 year old FTM (whose birth partner hasn't given birth before either) is just bonkers.

@Bluntasduck

Wow, there's some arseholes on this thread

Or did you mean- realists?

I find it hard to believe that a 16yo first time mother has been approved for a homebirth.

@Kokeshi123

I find it hard to believe that a 16yo first time mother has been approved for a homebirth.

I know, particularly when the services are significantly stripped back at present.