Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

@RealisticSketch

Yes. Because making a mistake doesn't define you but how you respond to it does and from what I've read she is stepping up as best she can with the resources at her disposal.

But she's done nothing other than buy a few things and expect her mum to acquiesce.

Your sister Is going to find it so so hard with a baby (most people do). Have you contacted charities or agencies to put her in touch with other teenage mums?

I think she needs to stay put for a while. Your baby will need to sleep in with you for at least 6 months so shouldn’t be an issue. I know it’s not ideal, but the alternatives are bleak.

So, everyone else knew before DM did, everyone else is 'supporting' DSIS in her choice, but everyone else is expecting DM to take on the majority of the burden when the baby arrives? I feel sorry for DM. She's 56. Even if she doesn't lift a finger, having DSIS and a newborn in her house will change her life massively. And is being vilified for being hugely unhappy at other people's life choices affecting her so much?

Exactly. Last to know about it but expected to carry the load while everyone else witters about being supportive knowing fine well the practical, emotional and likely financial support would fall to the girls mother. As is so often the case.

The OP has not said that their mum kicked the girl out, nor that she’s refusing to have her back, in fact she’s been a bit coy about what has or hasn’t been discussed but we do know that only today, when her sister is ready to drop, has it finally occurred to OP that moving her dsis out for 5 months might not have helped the situation. It doesn’t seem like she thought much further than how fun it would be to enjoy being pregnant together and hasn’t done a whole lot of thinking over the 5 months since!

I do think at this stage the mum needs to be the one to make the first move in mending their relationship and she probably should have tried before now but people are complicated. On MN the only acceptable response to a teen pregnancy is cooing I’ll support you darling but in RL mothers are people too, people who feel shock and disappointment and hurt and concern and yes, even anger when faced with a situation like this. As an adult the OP should have had the sense to give them time and could have provided a listening ear for her mum to allow her to work through her feelings, as well as being supportive of her sister. Instead she took over and encouraged dsis to live with her. It’s not hard to imagine the mum might feel hurt and rejected - she finds out her 16 year old is 4 months pregnant and because she couldn’t immediately choke back her disappointment, her adult daughter wades in and takes over. Life isn’t black and white and all involved, including OP, have played their part in allowing the situation to come to this. Hopefully for the sake of the teenager and her baby they can start communicating and work out where the girl is going to live before she actually gives birth.

Just a footnote!

Has anyone discussed adoption with dsis? A very big discussion I know and probably hard to even think about, still a viable option at this point.

I think the vitriol for the mum is because she won’t allow her teenage child to live with her. The dad will.

Poor girl.

Nothing’s ideal but the only thing to do now is make a plan that will at least let her focus on her baby instead of the gut-wrenching stress of not having anywhere to live.

Her dad’s offer is fine, not ideal but fine. It’s either that or you offer to keep her with you for six months.

It needs to be sorted ASAP this stress and uncertainty is too much for a young girl about to give birth.

I wouldn’t be bothering with your mother. I can’t imagine not taking care of my daughter in such a situation.

The PP who asked her 16 yo what she’d do and got a smug judgmental response.....I’d not be congratulating myself on having raised her to be like that tbh.

I dont know about where you are op. But there are mum and baby units around that dsis could move into.

It may sound mean but I wouldn't have let her have home birth in my house. I'd want her to go to home from home centre in the hospital. Then she can declare herself homeless with no where to go. They would have to sort something for her to allow her to be discharged.

There’s some horrible people on this thread. My friends daughters had a baby at 17-18 and she lived in a mum & baby type unit until she was housed, she loved if there and made many friends who were in the same boat.

Your poor sister
I’ve been your sister, thank you for stepping up.
It’s really horrible feeling rejected and really horrible having your child rejected by your parent, their grandparent.

With support I can see a lot of positives to having babies early and then building a career. But without that support she doesn’t stand a chance.

@loubieloo4 I'm guessing you and others who have mentioned adoption have missed that she wants the baby? And have a limited understanding of adoption. Children have the right to grow up in their birth families, unless it's unsafe or impossible.

@ekidmxcl

I think the vitriol for the mum is because she won’t allow her teenage child to live with her. The dad will.

To be fair, the OP didn't confirm this was the case until 30 mins ago. But it's not just about letting the daughter move back home (even though she never kicked her out in the first place) - the daughter would be bringing a baby with her too, and all the disruption, noise, expense and baggage that brings with it.

Hi OP,
Firstly, I would like to wish both you and your Dsis heathy babies.
It’s a very difficult situation and although your mum should be supporting your sister throughout this, this must also be hard for her as she sees her teen daughter become a mum.

At this stage, I think you have to think of all possible Avenues to help secure your sister accommodation. It’s probably too late to do it before the baby is born. I also understand you not wanting her to be in a unit.

You said you don’t mind her staying with you as she finds her way into Motherhood. However, what if your mum doesn’t take her back after the baby is born?
Are you willing to have her for a bit longer and this could mean you might not be able to use your nursery for a sometime.

My daughter is 3 and she sleeps in my bedroom from the day she was born. This has amazing but I know that some parents need to have that nursery for things such as sleep training etc. Are you have to give it up?

Being a parent for the first time can be a massive shock irrespective of age. It can be harder for those who have not been exposed to it. For example, my mother became a mum at 19, however, she had loads of experience as she helped look after her elder brothers and sister children-by that I mean really involved in looking after her nieces and nephews as the parents when to work from a young age. In our culture, we like together with extended family etc( I think you get my point).

There is an 11 year gap between you and her, do you remember what it was like when she was a baby and were you a bit involved in helping your mum look after her? If so, and if you haven’t done it yet, maybe talk to her about the realities.
If you don’t have much experience, maybe you would discuss this with her. I know she is anxious so don’t know if this might make it worse.
This is such a difficult situation but please believe I am not judging your sister- not my place.
I fell bad for all involved and hope you can find a solution.

Could you have a heart to heart with mum and see what she has to say about her maybe moving back to set up before baby is born?
It seems that there might be some strain in the relationship between your mum and sis.

Hope you will update with some good news.

How awful for your Dsis. Can you see if there are any mum & baby units nearby that she can move into whilst she gets on her own two feet? I feel sad for your DN, too. Hopefully things will change when the baby is actually here, but rifts will take a while to heal.

Good luck to you all! Let us know how it all turns out.

How awful for your sister. Your DM needs to stop sulking, grow up and start supporting her daughter. She doesn't have to house her, but she does have to talk to her and start being a mum again. I hope this won't translate into favouritism towards one grandchild over the other. Not sure I'd be happy with her being very involved in my kids life if she's actually going to carry on in this vein. Best of luck to your dsis and to both of you.

@MichelleScarn

Why is their so much bike and hatred shot at the DM on this thread "she needs to step up" "she's a disgrace" snagging her off for a 'surprise baby' she's "selfish", wheres the same for the DF of either the Dsis or the about to be born baby? The DF its mainly 'bless, he'd like to help but 'reasons' and its ok for the babys own DF just to withdraw? But yes, let's have all the vitriol for the DM who's not doing what OP and everyone else has decided needs done.

Because she’s a middle aged woman and a mother. So she is assumed to have no rights of her own.

Her younger daughter has the right to have sex, to decide not to terminate the pregnancy, the right to conceal her pregnancy until that was no longer an option, the right to move out and the right to have and keep her baby.

Meanwhile the Op and her father have colluded with her sister in concealing her pregnancy, helped her opt out of resolving things with her mother and not encouraged her to seek help from the appropriate agencies. And now it’s no longer convenient, the sister is planning to throw her out of her house.

Her father also doesn't think it will be convenient to have her living with him. But he’s made no effort to find anything suitable - which isn’t exactly supportive.

So both of these adults are opting out and assuming that mother will pick up the pieces. But when you make life choices that involve HUGE changes to other people’s lives, you need to talk to them first and get them on board.

Not steam roll ahead and assume that everyone else will bow to your will.

I don't think I would turn my back on my child if they were in a similar position at 16 (actually I know I wouldn't). But I wouldnt be happy, or excited at the prospect either. Nor would I give up work to become free childcare, although I'm sure I'd do my share of sleepless nights/babysitting.

I’m so glad your sister has you your partner and her dad. What a scary time being 16 and facing being on your own with a new born. Your going the right thing IMO I’d do it for my sisters. All I’d say is don’t let it spoil your relationship with your DP or the joy of your baby

Oh and let’s not forget the baby’s father, who decided to make a baby and then “ decide not to be involved “. No one sees to be angry at him.

Yes, though he did give her some money. But he's a male, so that's the extent of his responsibility discharged apparently .

Knowing what teen boys can be like I bet it's not even a reasonable proportion of the cost of the things she needs like a buggy

I'm not sure if anyone else has said but you have left it far too late for any accommodation help via council services.
People can be on the list for housing for years before they are offered a place and unless you are prepared to fully kick your sister out into emergency accommodation you could be living with your sister in your baby's room for 2 years plus.
And this isn't even taking into account your sisters age - other possibilities could be mother and baby units like hostels or even foster care.
You really have got into a pickle leaving it this late.

I mean because they are teens it won't occur to them what the cost of having a baby might be beyond some nappies and baby grows

I sat next to a lady who's dd got pregnant at 17. It was rather interesting perspective as I wasn't actually friends with this lady but she talked about it all day long and I suppose if just let her chat even though I was 20 at the time and hasn't a clue how to help.

This lady would tell me she was so ashamed and sad that her dd had ended up in this way. The shame was overwhelming her, it meant she had to face up that many people will say it was her bad parenting, that she didn't do enough and so her dd ended up pregnant so early in life, that her relationship wasn't right with her dh so it resulted in her dds fate. Perhaps this is why your mother is ignoring your dsis because she is ashamed of what people will say about her as well? Not condoning it of course.
As soon as my colleagues granddc was born of course everything fell into place and a baby should really be innocent in all of this.
I think your dsis needs to have a frank conversation about if your mother is going to continue her actions or if she needs to find a new place to live, after that I think your dsis needs to see what options are available to her.

Your lot her risks cutting out a granddc I don't think that's on really by someone who supports their dc come what may (and I think the best parents do this), and are you going to be ok with that as well? That wouldn't sit right with me.

I'm surprised that the midwife agreed to a homebirth when she hasn't got a permanent residence.

Is your DM still claiming Child Benefit for her as that should be stopped or at least given to your DS.

@RogueRebel children's services can step in immediately if they have to. Its not ideal but it doesn't necessarily mean it's 'too late'. Comparing it to the waiting lists for permanent council housing isn't helpful. As has been stated in thread, a 16 yr old can't rock up to the council and apply for housing, because they are a child. At any stage they can get help from children's services, it just might mean that if she needs accommodating that she has to accept something temporary before finding the solution that best fits her.