Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

@poptartsarefood DM does work but is currently on furlough. Yes you did read right that she found out last, well, after me, my dad and my DP, and I agree that wasn’t right but DSis was adamant she didn’t want DM to know anything about it if she was going to have an abortion because she thought it would upset DM.

@diddl DSis has tried to maintain contact with phone calls and texts, DM rarely answers or replies to her, but always answers my calls and texts and has bought a few bits and pieces for my baby, nothing for DSis’s. The moving in with me during pregnancy was my idea to give them both space, as I said all 3 of us agreed this was for the best and that DSis would be moving back in.

So many mean posters! OP, you haven't made things worse, you gave your vulnerable sister a home where she was welcome, just when she really needed it. This was a good thing to do, and your sister will always remember that someone was prepared to do this for her. It is your mum who has made things worse by rejecting her own pregnant child.

This is so sad. So sad that her Mum isn't putting her own feelings to one side and supporting her daughter. No matter how disappointed she is, that's her daughter. At 27, I had my DD and I found it hard without my Mum so I can only imagine how hard it is for your DSis. OP, you are an AMAZING big sister. I'm speaking from experience; please remain that person of loving stability for her. That doesn't necessarily mean letting her live with you for the next year but means being a constant in her daily life, no matter where she lives or who she lives with.

My heart goes out to your sister, she sounds unusually head screwed on, pulling her weight in your house when she could be forgiven for having her mind on other things, coding to keep the baby even when the pressure and support was on to get rid.
I really hope she doesn't go back to your mum who sounds like she would be judging and 'i told you so'-ing her into the ground.
I think there is every chance she will be a great mum especially if she isn't set up to fail. It would be a lot for anyone to go from the shelter of a family home as a child to new mum and running her own home all at once! Could she not stay with you for a while, I know she's in your nursery but she's family and I for one couldn't see her car or into the world in that position. I realise it isn't ideal but there could be nice things to becoming mum's together. What this young mum needs is some support and a bit of firm ground to stand on. No wonder her anxiety is high she's got homelessness and being a new mum all on her horizon. 🙁

Why can’t your sister go and live with your supportive dad ? After all he was the one parent who she told she was pregnant.

I have to say I can’t believe you are throwing her out and making her homeless when she’s heavily pregnant! That seems a bit heartless.

If your sister wanted to move in with her mother, why didn’t she build bridges and ask your mother if it was ok? Agree a plan about how your sister was going to look after and financially support her baby. Instead it seems that everyone else has been making plans that will affect your mothers life and just assuming that she will go along with it.

Pregnant or not op's sister is still their mother's daughter too and certainly shouldn't be cast out at 16yrs of age thats just cruel

@icecreamgirl94

Oh thank you for so many replies, I really wasn’t expecting that. Let me try and answer the questions, not trying to drip feed I just didn’t want to post a really long first post.

Before this their relationship was good, it was just the 2 of them at home.
I’ve spoken to DM at length about it, I do see both sides of the argument that people have mentioned here. Of course DM shouldn’t just be expected to house DSis and her baby, but I really wasn’t expecting her to shut them out either. I feel like I’ve caused this situation in some way by asking DSis to move in, DM didn’t kick her out, I was just trying to give them both some breathing space and I feel that’s backfired quite badly now.
I think she does need to get on the housing list because even if DM comes round their relationship will obviously be damaged, and DSis probably does need to learn to stand on her own 2 feet now. She is actually a very mature 16 and does seem to understand exactly what keeping this baby will entail. She only asked for things for the baby for Christmas, nothing for herself and is really trying to get everything prepared. I think a talk about housing should be our next move and I think she will understand that, she is just really suffering with anxiety at the moment which isn’t like her at all but it is a lot to take in for her and during very strange times so I do get why she’s struggling so much.
Our dad is lovely but lives in a 1 bedroom flat. He’s offered to have her and the baby and he will sleep on the sofa but we don’t think they solves anything in the long term.

She needs to go back to your mum’s because there will come a point, most likely soon after the baby is born, when they will reconcile and all the blame will be put on you. Don’t put yourself in that situation.

[quote Christmasfairy2020]@Darbs76 yes but your mum obviously brought your child up and paid for him whilst you did all this. Which is not fair if the mum doesn't want to do this. Did your son move with you aged 7 or stay with your mum. Why does he live with your mum now? I had a child at 20 and I was no where near ready and we even moved out. I went to uni im a rgn now but I found bonding harder and poverty is awful[/quote]
No my mother did not. I raised my child, he went to childcare when I was at college / after school clubs. We moved away on our own 5hrs away with zero support then. My son moved back that way to go to university and stayed back up that way afterwards so moved back in with his grandparents. My parents never paid financially for him apart from some support buying items before he was born. I had part time jobs when at college. I had some benefits but have been paying tax for 20yrs now. You’ve made some assumptions which are incorrect. My mum was never expected to raise my son. She’s close to him as I lived with her for the first 18 months whilst I found my feet but I’ve always been very independent and was capable of raising him myself. We are very close, best friends and has no issues being raised by a 16yr old, I loved and cared for him no less than my second and third children I had at 27 & 16.

Oh gosh bless her. What made her choose a home birth sorry slightly off topic ? I'm just going to say I have an incredibly high pain threshold and I'm not in anyway drama queen. But giving birth without an epidural hurt like f@ck. second baby epidural and it was lovely. I was induced on both so maybe it was more intense, but honestly I think even with Covid the hospital is the safest place to be or are you JW?

What a horribly frightening situation for your sister.

Your parents need to parent their own child, regardless of her becoming a mum herself.

I cannot imagine how lonely, stressful and difficult it would be, moving into a random place with a new baby aged 16. Overwhelming and setting her up for a lifelong struggle.

I don’t know how you can speak to your mum, knowing that she won’t house her 16yo child. Parenting is a life long commitment. As long as I breathe, I will help my kids.

I think she should move in with your dad. Otherwise I don’t know how she’ll get on her feet. Everything stacked against her. Although your dads place is small, at least he loves her. I’d think about getting a decent sofa bed type thing in his lounge. Either her and the baby in the lounge and him in the bedroom or vice versa.

Op, I think you've been a fantastic sister and it sounds like she appreciates that given she hasn't taken advantage of your hospitality by not pulling her weight. Keep it up, she needs you and you sound lovely. Your actions haven't caused the rift between her and DM - the DM has!! Not replying to her messages, she sounds heartless.
Don't get me wrong if my dd was pregnant at 16 is be gutted, but I think she's going to live with the consequences herself and doesn't need her nearest and dearest like the DM to be adding to her difficulties.

If your sister can move in with your Dad, she needs to put her name on the council list asap. The flat will be classed as overcrowded and she'll have a chance of getting her own place.
You and your Dad sound really supportive and your Dsis is lucky to have you both.

@loubieloo4 thank you. I really don’t know where this leaves my relationship with DM to be honest, I think I’m sort of waiting to see if things drastically change once DSis’s baby is here and hoping that they do because I don’t want to fully lose contact with DM but I think fully rejecting DSis would give me no choice. It’s hard because DP and I are so excited for this baby and can’t wait to meet him/her but we feel guilty feeling like this around DSis.

@RealisticSketch

My heart goes out to your sister, she sounds unusually head screwed on,

at 16, pregnant, with no means of supporting herself or her baby?

Op apologies if I'm repeating advice already given in thread, I got too angry with the 'she's old enough to have a baby she's old enough to sort herself out' in the first couple of pages.

She's 16, so she'll be assumed to have capacity to make decisions BUT she is legally still a child with noone actively using their PR (parental responsibility) If she has nowhere to live her specialist midwife should refer her and the baby to social services. She would be entitled to a social worker in her own right, though she could decline that. The baby would get a social worker and that could be insisted upon, eg if she is at risk of homelessness. She wouldn't automatically qualify for council housing because before that would be agreed for a 16 year old (bearing in mind that 16yr olds of today are legally required to be in education and can't legally sign a tenancy agreement, very different to how it was twenty years ago) - she would be assessed by social services.
The reason she'd be assessed be social services is that she's entitled to more support than just being at the mercy of the housing register. Eg if she needs support to learn how to parent and still needs some parenting herself she may need a mother and baby foster placement. She may benefit from supported housing. Its only if she is wanting housing only, and considered independent enough to manage, that social services and housing would agree for her to be accepted as an adult for housing purposes, which is the priority homeless/temp accommodation route.

You aren’t her parents. She has two. One isn’t functioning as a parent. So she has one.

He’s offering. Say yes.

A one bed flat for a man, a woman and a child is adequate. Not ideal. But adequate. She should take the sofa and have the cot in the living room with her.

They’ll manage. He’s her dad.

Good luck with your baby!

Why is their so much bike and hatred shot at the DM on this thread "she needs to step up" "she's a disgrace" snagging her off for a 'surprise baby' she's "selfish", wheres the same for the DF of either the Dsis or the about to be born baby? The DF its mainly 'bless, he'd like to help but 'reasons' and its ok for the babys own DF just to withdraw? But yes, let's have all the vitriol for the DM who's not doing what OP and everyone else has decided needs done.

It’s hard because DP and I are so excited for this baby and can’t wait to meet him/her but we feel guilty feeling like this around DSis.
Just include her in your excitement, make hers as special as yours. Xxx

Bloody hell there not their

Sorry OP but your last post saying you've explained twice that your sister can't return to your mother really wasn't clear. If you'd said that at any point I wouldn't have bothered to suggest that you advise your sister to speak to your mum because there wouldn't have been a point to that. It's all very odd... a baby imminent, no planning, and your sister to move out.

I imagine you've got what you wanted from the thread so I'll leave you to it. Hope it all works out.

[quote Shmithecat2]@RealisticSketch

My heart goes out to your sister, she sounds unusually head screwed on,

at 16, pregnant, with no means of supporting herself or her baby?[/quote]
Yes. Because making a mistake doesn't define you but how you respond to it does and from what I've read she is stepping up as best she can with the resources at her disposal.

At 16 if she can't live with either parent you should contact Children's Services and she will be assigned a social worker who can assess the situation and find her a suitable placement. She is still a child, she can't just rent a flat and housing will just refer you to Children's Services anyway if she presents as homeless. I think if your Dad's willing to have her that might be a good option though.

I think some people are heavily confusing "support" with "doing it for her."

Her mum can support her daughter - tell her what to expect, set realistic expectations, help her find suitable accommodation, set up a long term plan, provide a check list of what the baby needs and work out how she's going to get it, teach her how to budget, keep a house, how to cook, make bottles, establish breastfeeding, set her priorities for the future etc - all the things my mum taught me before sending me out on my own - without actually doing these things for her.

She can arm her with the necessary knowledge to be able to this on her own. She can be with her scared and vulnerable child while she is giving birth. She can check in on her after baby is born to make sure she is coping. She can make sure her daughter knows everything she is entitled to. She can advocate for her to social services, housing etc. She can be a phonecall away if her daughter is worried or has concerns about the baby.

That is support.

She can do all that without giving up her job, her finances, her freedoms. She can do it without paying for anything, without doing nightfeeds and without having her daughter live with her.

Shocked at some of the posts on here, she’s 16, yes she made the choice to continue with the pregnancy but she’s young and has no idea what having a child involves, she needs support from family. Once baby is here she can apply for a house/flat through the council but she will still need support. I was 21 when I had my first and still needed support from my mum, I still do now at the age of 39. It isn’t going to be easy being 16 with a newborn.

OP you have been amazing offering for her to stay with you during the pregnancy. She will need support when baby is born but hopefully she will be able to eventually move onto her own place with the baby. Your mother is acting appallingly, I know I wouldn’t be happy if my 16 year old was pregnant but I would support her in what choices she made.

It does seem very hard of your Mum not to answer when your sister tries to contact.

I would feel hurt though if my daughter expected to be able to walk away when she wanted because the relationship had become difficult & then just stroll back in some months later with her baby!

If things are so strained though-your sister wouldn't want to live there anyway would she?