Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

If this were my sister OP, she'd be firmly guided to speak to mum and sort it out. Like a grown-up.

^^This. You've done a huge amount for your sister, OP, and now it's time for her to sort things out with your Mum as you can't realistically help her for much longer. I'm surprised that your Mum hasn't reached out, tbh, but now it's imperative that they discuss the situation. I'd call your Mum and say that they need to set up a time to talk, say the same to your sister.

You sound wonderful Op, I have no constructive advice I’m afraid, but I imagine your poor sister is petrified right now, I have a nearly 16 year old and can imagine how she would feel and at the grand age of 43 I remember the feelings I had at 16 and how scary things seemed just in everyday life so you’re doing a wonderful thing. Some of the posters on here I hope to god aren’t parents as you’re appalling and will be the subject of Stately Homes in years to come. A 16 year old had sex, that’s all she hasn’t killed anyone, yes sex has repercussions but she’s 16 give her a break and her own mother hasn’t been supportive, whilst I wouldn’t want to do it again ( and I have a 4 year old) I would never treat my children like the mother in all of this, why should the 16 year old seek forgiveness?! She hasn’t done anything wrong?! Why does she have to make the first move at 16, petrified and heavily pregnant ?! Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Op I hope it all works out for you all 💐

This thread sickens me. No wonder the horrific abuse of the magdalen laundries and the likes were able to flourish unchallenged for so long, supported by the same types of attitudes on this thread. Op i imagine it must be very difficult for you, and all I can say that if I were you I'd probably disown my dm if she treated a sibling so abysmally. Id probably also end up keeping dsis a log longer, I couldn't bare to think of any of my siblings alone at such a fundamental period in their lives.

@IWantT0BreakFree

It is incredibly hypocritical for so many posters to be bleating about how irresponsible the 16yo is and how her mother is quite right to refuse any responsibility for housing or supporting her. Do those people not understand that there are a multitude of issues and poor choices that can affect teenagers such as pregnancy, substance misuse, getting involved with bad company, issues in education etc. We all know this when we make the choice, as adults, to become a parent. We know that when our children become teenagers there is a chance that they could make bad choices (because they are children and the are immature) and that we won't necessarily have control over what they do. What absolutely IS utterly irresponsible, is to have a child knowing that these sadly all too common issues could affect them, and then washing your hands of the child (CHILD) and pretending that they are no longer your concern. OP's mother has a 16 year old child for whom she remains responsible. Yes it's a shame that she is facing some sleepless nights, but unfortunately she's been one of the unlucky few that this happens to every year and she will have realised going into motherhood (as an adult) that there was always a risk of something like this happening. You sign up for the whole deal - you don't get to just opt out when they don't turn out to be perfect. All those who think that OP's mother is behaving reasonably in all but abandoning her daughter...why? Think hard. Is it because you think a baby would ruin the daughter's life? It can't be that, can it? Because punishing a 9 month pregnant 16 year old by withdrawing all support and affection is not the action of a mother who wants to spare her child suffering. So it's either a very shortsighted decision based on not wanting 18 months of disturbed sleep and a few years of hard work (for which she is prepared to throw away a lifetime's worth of a relationship with her daughter and grandchild), or it's because she's just fucking judgemental and prudish and worried about how her daughter's "shameful" engagement in sexual activity reflects on her. Same reasons all those poor girls and young women were thrown into mother and baby homes. And I wonder how many on this thread with their vile comments were giving it sad faces all over Facebook on the recent media coverage of Bessborough...

THIS 👏👏👏👏👏

@Nimue21

Well of course your mother is not happy about her 16 year old having a baby. Why would she be? Who would?

You don't get to tell her she's being unreasonable. She's expected to house this new baby, pay for it, take care of it...she doesn't have to just be happy and ok with it.

If your sister thinks she is old enough to be a mother, what has she done to find a home for her child, and to support it?

This.

You say that your family say they will “support your sisters choice” but I’m not sure what that means.

Do you mean that the rest of the family ( whoever that is ) are willing to have your sister live with them, give up their jobs and care full time for her baby while she goes back to school / college , has a social life, goes out with her mates etc.

Or do you mean “ supportive of her choices “ in that they say the words “ yeah babe you go for it, your body your life, babies are cute “.

If you are being supportive of your sister then why can’t she continue to live at yours ? Your baby doesn’t need it’s own room - plenty babies and toddlers share with their parents. You have had fun being pregnant together, now you can have fun being mums together.

If you want to withdraw your support of your sister, then presumably you are not going to throw her out on the streets heavily pregnant. I assume you will help her find somewhere else to live, maybe with all these other supportive family members. Or help her apply for housing from the council, since you are making her homeless.

You can’t have it both ways . I am supportive but I don’t want to deal with her baby. My mother doesn’t want to deal with her baby but she’s a selfish bitch.

My sister is an adult who has the right to chose to have this baby and care for it. My sister is a helpless child who needs other people to care for her baby.

Which one is it?

You seem to want the glory of being “ supportive “ while expecting your “unsupportive “ mother to give up her home, job, money and life to care for a baby that isn’t hers any didn’t choose.

@MessAllOver

There's a difference between advocating locking unmarried mothers in mother and baby homes (which happened in the context of widespread poverty and abortion being illegal) and thinking it's best if 16 year olds aren't encouraged to have children .

Of course it’s best if 16 year olds aren’t encouraged to have children, but what’s the alternative here? Forcing a 16 year old to have an abortion she doesn’t want? That’s the world you want to live in?

You seem to want the glory of being “ supportive “ while expecting your “unsupportive “ mother to give up her home, job, money and life to care for a baby that isn’t hers any didn’t choose

This 100%. "Support" means fuck all if it's just words. I feel bad for all of you but especially your mum who is expected to deal with the fallout.

As someone who fell pregnant and had a baby at 16, I think it's incredibly selfish of your mum. I was in a relationship from 13 to 16, me and my bf at the time decided to keep my son, bf buggered off half way through my pregnancy and it made me incredibly vunerable, my mum supported me 100% and I don't know how I would have coped mentally without her, after all being a parent is about being there and supporting your children no matter what the circumstances or age! I am now pregnant with my 3rd and have full responsibility for my children. I could never walk away from my daughter in this situation, the poor girl must be so overwhelmed in a situation where the dad has buggered off and so has her mum, the person who you should be able to rely on the most. I was still my son's mother, I still done the night feeds and brought him up but still stayed in my mum's for a couple years till I got on my feet. People are so quick to judge that because she's 16 she will not be a good mother, it enrages me!!

So, everyone else knew before DM did, everyone else is 'supporting' DSIS in her choice, but everyone else is expecting DM to take on the majority of the burden when the baby arrives? I feel sorry for DM. She's 56. Even if she doesn't lift a finger, having DSIS and a newborn in her house will change her life massively. And is being vilified for being hugely unhappy at other people's life choices affecting her so much?

OP, what were you expecting? Your DSIS left your mum to live with you. It would seem that your DSIS has done next to nothing to try and build any bridges with your DM in 5 months. Again, what were you, or indeed DSIS expecting? Does your DM work?

@WhereamI88

You seem to want the glory of being “ supportive “ while expecting your “unsupportive “ mother to give up her home, job, money and life to care for a baby that isn’t hers any didn’t choose

This 100%. "Support" means fuck all if it's just words. I feel bad for all of you but especially your mum who is expected to deal with the fallout.

This 👏👏👏

My heart goes out to your sister, I was pregnant at 16 and it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say my mum went mad. She tried to blackmail me into an abortion, but I was adamant from day 1 I was keeping my baby, father also never involved. Thankfully she soon came round, and was nothing but supportive. DS1 is 27 now, and he lives with my mum who is now widowed and it’s a bit weight off my mind as I’m 250 miles away. My mum was just shy of her 40th bday when she became a Nanna, and so both my parents were very close to my son. I do hope your mum changes her mind once baby is here. Maybe she can get herself on a waiting list for social housing, thought ideally she would live with family until she’s 18. That’s what I did. I didn’t ruin my life either as I was told. I went to college, Uni, got a great job and moved 250 miles just DS then aged 7. My DD is nearly 13, whilst I’d obviously be devastated if she was pregnant at 16 i know id be as supportive as my mum was to me. Your mum needs to get a grip, she will lose her daughter and grandchild forever if not

@MrsCBY. No I would never "force" my child to have an abortion, but I would have had some very frank and honest conversations early on about the realities of having a child and the support I was prepared to offer. And if that's "unsupportive", then I'm afraid I would have been unsupportive.

I very much hope that the OP's DSis did want this baby and wasn't being swayed by what other people in the family were saying to her. Because she has a hard road ahead of her.

@WhereamI88 Don't know why her mother would need to give up her job, money , her life etc? Her sister is the childs mother she wouldn't need to but she could at least still keep a roof over her head until she gets housed by the housing etc!

@Toocold. I don't like what the grandma-to-be has done either, but the OP's sister is about to become a parent and has to start thinking practically about where she and her child will live. . She can't leave it to the OP to sort out so I think she has to speak to her Mum.

My DD is nearly 16 and we've had a "what if I got pregnant" discussion. I can't imagine getting into this sad scenario with her.

OP does your mum work? I think they needed to talk to each other about the practicalities of living with a baby and the space might have got in the way of that. Also did I read it right that everyone in the family knew, but your mum wasn't told until she was four months along? I might have misread that, but if that's true your mum must be feeling pretty deceived along with hurt. Especially since she is expected to deal with the consequences and all the other people in the know aren't really going to do anything about it.
Your mum didn't kick your sister out, she left. Your sister deserved a bollocking and she ran from it. She should have had the discussion with your mum and sorted it out instead of avoiding it at yours. It would be over by now and there would be a plan in place for the new baby. I'd advise her to talk it through now and see where she stands. If she can go back, what is expected of her if she goes back and how she plans on looking after and financing her baby if she's back. I think your mum will take on as much as she can, but they need to have the conversation. I think you all owe your mum an apology for deceit. I'm not sure I'd forgive that.

I think your mum has made her own mistakes in life and I'd be pointing them out to her right now. Your sister's 16 and still a child - your mum and dad are responsible for her. If your mum is the only one with the space then she should take her in.

@Darbs76 yes but your mum obviously brought your child up and paid for him whilst you did all this. Which is not fair if the mum doesn't want to do this. Did your son move with you aged 7 or stay with your mum. Why does he live with your mum now? I had a child at 20 and I was no where near ready and we even moved out. I went to uni im a rgn now but I found bonding harder and poverty is awful

Your dsis should be under the care of the teenage pregnancy midwife. She will most likely end up with a social worker as well for support. I would also avoid a home birth as she is so young and it bloody hurts

If she moves in with your mum (or dad) she won't be homeless and therefore won't be a priority for council housing. Give her a written notice to move out of your house so she can prove she's being made homeless.
Your mother sounds awful. I'd be horrified and disappointed if my daughter got pregnant but I couldn't be cold to her, certainly not if I was happy for my other daughter.
Your mum has made a few mistakes of her own and given your sister was unplanned (although different circumstances) your mum should be a bit more understanding. Maybe point that out to her.

So the sister moved out & your mum has barely spoken to her-or is that they have barely spoken to each other?

I think that your mum may have handled it badly, although it's hard to tell what she has done apart from take the news badly!

What is she supposed to do for your sister when she has moved out?

Yet intends to move back in with the baby-what a bloody cheek!

@LenaBlack

If your sister decided to keep the baby it's on her to sort out where she is going to live and how will she bring up that baby. It's not your mothers job.

This. While the mothers attitude leaves a lot to be desired, she probably doesn't want to be lumbered looking after another baby. It's financially and emotionally draining. The 16 yo doesn't seem to be helping herself at all.

@Christmasfairy2020

Your dsis should be under the care of the teenage pregnancy midwife. She will most likely end up with a social worker as well for support. I would also avoid a home birth as she is so young and it bloody hurts

Not at 16 they don't automatically get this unless still at school.

DM has said DSis can’t move back in because “it wouldn’t work now as too much has happened since she moved out”.

The decision to keep the baby was entirely made by DSis, twice my dad and I were aware she had gone to have an abortion, twice she came back in tears saying she couldn’t do it.

I’ve explained twice now that we had come to the agreement of DSis possibly only staying with DM for a few months if that was what DM wanted until she had got to grips with being a parent. DM now doesn’t want her back at all. DM has never been expected to give up her job or raise the child or anything else that’s been said. Unfortunately I think some people commenting haven’t bothered to read anything I’ve said properly.

Thank you to the posters offering advice and support, it really is appreciated.

I have talked with DSis and DP this evening about where we go from here if DM doesn’t want DSis and the baby in the house. DSis understands this means probably living alone sooner than she would really have liked to but knows she has to respect DM’s decision. When she has gone to bed later I will discuss with DP the possibility of her staying here longer while we help her get sorted but I didn’t want to discuss that with DSis without getting DP’s opinion first because he might not be happy with it.

DSis seems quite happy to look into accommodation options with the help of me and her dad, but obviously I don’t know if she’ll feel differently once the baby is actually here. On the other hand I think she might be in a better position to take in all the information properly once she has had the baby as she is obviously really stressed out about the (I think very imminent) birth at the moment.

You need to talk to your father. If one parent is failing to parent, it's the responsibility of the other one to step up and he sounds willing to do so.

@icecreamgirl94 firstly, can I say, you are being amazing. I wish I had a big sister like you.

I'm shocked that your dm is refusing to have her back, if I were your sis at that age I would probably cut her off completely and not let her see the baby once they are born. Yes she made a mistake but it's a bit late now and babies are always a blessing. I hope you manage to find a mother and baby unit for them both to stay in.
How are you feeling? This must be so difficult for you whilst being pregnant with your very much wanted baby. Do you think you will manage to have a good relationship with your dm after all this?

Good luck to both of you for happy and healthy babies.