to not want to leave child?

[PFBornMaybe]

I have an 18 month old DD. As to not drip-feed, she’s our first child, and will in all likelihood be an only child.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, grandparents have been quite insistent on wanting to be very involved. It’s very sweet and thoughtful that she has four loving grandparents. However, of late, their is an increasing amount of pressure from some of them about having alone time with her and wanting to babysit.

For several reasons, I have no need for a babysitter;

• I don’t want to leave my daughter.
• I don’t need a childcare bubble or support bubble (WAHM), although she does go to nursery, two mornings a week.
• We are in a pandemic!

Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, my partner and I don’t want to leave our daughter. He works away a lot, so when he’s home, we like our time as a family, and we get our alone time when she’s in bed. We’re not in a rush to leave her with anyone.

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

FWIW, we video call very regularly, she knows her grandparents by name, and pre-pandemic, we would visit them almost every weekend, and we’ll do the same on the other side of the pandemic too.

Remind them we are I lockdown maybe?

there is a pandemic yet you send her to nursery twice a week

cant you just let them take her for a walk for an hour?

what does your husband say?

My ex MIL was a bit like this with my eldest. I breast fed but as soon as he was on bottles she wanted to have him over every weekend overnight. I said absolutely not. She had him once a month.
The same when she wanted him and his older, spoilt, bratty cousin overnight together. Not a chance. She's far less interested in the kids now they're older, think she just likes the little ones were she can fuss and tell them what to do. Yet never once took them to the park. Just liked to push them round the shops and buy plastic tat. Your child your choice.

I'm the same! Child is now nearly 3 and still never been away from me for "grandparents" use the pandemic and the fact we are in a national lockdown (assuming you're in the UK) as an excuse for the moment

Just say... No 🌺

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

As far as I'm concerned, "no" is the only reason you need. Your child is not a shared property. No one, not even grandparents, are allowed to call the shots besides you and your husband. You don't need to justify your parenting choices to anyone, ever. End of story and all that jazz.

After this (pandemic) dies down, I do hope you allow them to take her for a day or afternoon occasionally. My parents lived abroad half the year and were well into their late 70s when I had children, and were gone just as they were starting school. So my children were never able to have any real bond with them. It is one of my sadest regrets that, my son in particular, didn't get to know his grandfather properly.
Visiting your parents and in laws with the kids is not the same. Allow the possibility of a wonderful relationship to blossom with alone time between grandparents and grandchildren.

What's the obsession people have with taking kids alone for special overnight etc.
If you're happy with it then great, but I don't see this as necessary at all.
It's not a toy.

My children's grandparents give zero fucks however and we don't see my dh side as they had a falling out with us so maybe I just don't get it.

My kids are young teens and never stayed away from.
home 😂. They’ve never wanted to. My mum used to push in the early days but they never wanted to go. They’ve had lots of days out with grandparents. Visits on weekends and evening etc. It’s not compulsory. Just tell them no.

Post pandemic and assuming they’re of sound judgement, why wouldn’t you want your DD to spend time with them? Your post makes me feel sad on their behalf. Consider the potential that some time spent with them every now and again will benefit everyone, including your DD and you as a couple.

During a pandemic YANBU. After the pandemic I think it’s really sad that people don’t let their children have a proper relationship with their grandparents. I have so many happy memories of staying with my grandparents whilst growing up!

It's nothing to do with need.

Your DH (presumably) doesn't NEED you to spend time alone with your friends, it doesn't mean you or they don't enjoy it and it wouldn't be the same if you were only allowed to spend time with them under close supervision if your DH

Time spent alone with grandparents is totally different than time spent visiting with parents.

If you don't trust them, then fine - if you do trust them, then let your child develop their relationship with their grandparents.

I think it's mad that during the pandemic you're happier for your child to spend time in a nursery than with a grandparent (& selfishly take up a place you don't need to).

It's about your CHILD, not what you 'need'.

I have clicked YABU, purely because you say you don't want to leave her, and you don't need childcare, and we are in a pandemic - yet you send her to nursery twice a week. So your reasons don't really add up.

But you are under no obligation to leave your child with anyone, for any reason.

Time with grandparents can be very special. Both my ds had overnights with grandparents from quite a young age and they always had a fabulous time as did my mum and dad. It is a lovely thing for your children to have strong relationships with wider family, let them have fun with the people that love them, let them do things they would never do with you or that you have no time to teach them. I hope when I am a grandma that I am allowed to spend time with my grandchildren, love them and have fun with them.

Now it makes no sense for them to have her and this is largely for their protection.

After the pandemic you may be grateful for their help so font burn your bridges, I dont see anything in your post that makes their attitude to seeing your dd unhealthy.

My dd has gone for sleepovers at her grandparents from around 1 and she loves it. Time for them alone is special they can bond and learn about each other. Dd had not been for a year and really misses it.

I think I am in the minority here, but I do think YABU. You have specified that there’s a reason ylu don’t want the grandparents to have any alone time with your daughter, or that you don’t trust them to look after her. Which means the only reason you don’t want her to go is for purely selfish reasons - that you don’t want to be without her.

Personally I think the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can be so special, and it seems such a shame to deprive your child of the opportunity to build that relationship just because “you don’t need to”. You may not need to, but have you considered the fact that your child may benefit from this relationship? Both now and in the future.

Personally I think you’re acting incredibly selfishly.

I think it's sad that you are denying your DD the chance of spending time (maybe an afternoon - no need for overnight if you really can't face that) with her DGPs. I have no ILs and my own DPs lived a long way from us when DS (also an only DC) was young so my parents rarely had much opportunity to spend time 'alone' with our DS but we encouraged it as much as possible. When he was 12 they moved nearer us and I have loved watching that bond develop.

It has given a great deal of pleasure to both sides and my DS at times a challenging teenager is so lovely and caring, my DF (90) has mild dementia yet my 19 year old DS, now a Uni student, will take him out for a walk which he loves or, pre Covid, DS would enjoy having a pub lunch etc with his DGPs.

Of course that's a long way off for you but it's not just about your feelings.

And, hopefully it would never happen, but what if you & your DH had an accident or were seriously ill (or worse) and you needed emergency child care yet your DD had never got to spend time alone with her DGPs?

I understand in a pandemic but tbh OP sounds like you relish having a pandemic to blame it on- you clearly don’t want her to go. I would rather give them the odd overnight visit and cut back on the every weekend visst but that’s just me.

I’m appreciating all responses so far.

I’m just going to pick up on the nursery space. I’m a working at home mum. I work part time from home. I don’t need a wider childcare bubble because my child goes to nursery those two mornings a week. I can’t not work, my role is in a keyworker industry (I’m not front line though). Grandparents wouldn’t be able to look after her for the full two mornings a week, and we wouldn’t want them too.

As a PP asked, husband isn’t keen for daughter to be left with grandparents yet either.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants. Yes, it is about her dc and for her dc to interact with other dc twice a week is probably at least as beneficial as seeing gp’s.

Op, your dc, your choice. My dgs is 8 now, he’s stayed with us a lot since he was little but we never pushed for it. Good gp’s should imo, be guided by the dc’s parents. My dc’s never slept over at their gp’s because of the distance. They have an extremely good relationship with their gp’s. My dsil had her two sleeping at il’s practically from birth. There is no right or wrong.

Wow! Not only you sent her to nursery but add insult to the injury by using the pandemic to behave this way to your child’s grandparents. And you have other cheerleaders here agreeing with you.
How very sad for the grandparents. I understand if there was something wrong with them but you’re just being hugely unreasonable. You send your kid to nursery, where she comes in contact with at least 10 different household but when it’s your in-laws, it’s a case of “pandemic and don’t want them in my bubble”. Why don’t you say out loud you hate them or dislike them instead of posting roundabout excuses so random people on the internet excuse your behaviour?

@MaLarkinn

there is a pandemic yet you send her to nursery twice a week confused

Judgemental much?

Yesterday wa sky non working day... and guess what... I sent my youngest nursery for the day so he could play with other kids, it was raining all day and our nursery is open emailing us extra sessions that aren’t full because clearly they need the money.

Just remember, there will come a time when you need them to look after the child. Don't ostracise them by being obsessive over her. Grandparents bond with children is just as important as yours.

I think it's important that kids build a bond with grandparents. It can be such a special relationship. I would perhaps go week about for her to visit each set of grandparents for an afternoon.