to not want to leave child?

[PFBornMaybe]

I have an 18 month old DD. As to not drip-feed, she’s our first child, and will in all likelihood be an only child.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, grandparents have been quite insistent on wanting to be very involved. It’s very sweet and thoughtful that she has four loving grandparents. However, of late, their is an increasing amount of pressure from some of them about having alone time with her and wanting to babysit.

For several reasons, I have no need for a babysitter;

• I don’t want to leave my daughter.
• I don’t need a childcare bubble or support bubble (WAHM), although she does go to nursery, two mornings a week.
• We are in a pandemic!

Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, my partner and I don’t want to leave our daughter. He works away a lot, so when he’s home, we like our time as a family, and we get our alone time when she’s in bed. We’re not in a rush to leave her with anyone.

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

FWIW, we video call very regularly, she knows her grandparents by name, and pre-pandemic, we would visit them almost every weekend, and we’ll do the same on the other side of the pandemic too.

Thank you all, I really appreciate the responses.

During the pandemic, we will of course, be saying no to anything that goes against the rules, and any ‘alone time’ visits.

Post-pandemic, I think we need to work on those weekly visits a bit more. I do want my child to have a good relationship with all of her grandparents, but it has to be when we are all comfortable and ready.

I think in response to those calling me selfish, or saying about ‘what it is in the child’s best interests’, I of course am putting my daughter first. For most of her childhood so far, she has been in close proximity to very few adults, and if I left her with her grandparents as soon as the pandemic is over, I’m almost certain that she would be miserable and hysterical - that wouldn’t be fair on her, me or her grandparents. With that in mind, I really don’t think it’s selfish to see them for tea on a Sunday (when it’s safe) but not to leave her. She definitely is not staying overnight, that’s not even a consideration, mainly because she’s breastfed (much to grandparents frustration!).

I am absolutely not planning on burning any bridges, I do want her to be happy in her grandparents care and for her grandparents to be able to enjoy her too!

Maybe when she’s a bit older, and she feels a bit more confident with her grandparents, post-pandemic, we’ll look at the odd afternoon!

We had several rounds of IVF to get her, and I think her grandparents are just extremely excited that she’s here, lockdown has been hard for them, I’m just getting a bit frustrated with repeatedly saying no.

She'll feel more confident with her grandparents when you give her that confidence. It's not going to happen whole you're so over-protective of her, and assuming that she'll be unhappy.

I barely saw my granddaughter until I was able to be bubbled with the family, when she was about nine months old. But as soon as I was, my DD straight away saw their visiting me and the development of the grandparent relationship as a priority. After a couple of visits to me, DD started leaving us for increasing periods, until I ended up having GDG for the day. I can honestly say that GDG was entirely unperturbed from the very first time. But her mum and I entered into it with the same calm, warm, confidence, so DGD felt it too.

I think it’s sad when people don’t appreciate that spending time with Grandparents without parents is a totally different experience.

I agree with this too.

I often feel sad for my PIL as they never get to have my stepchildren alone now since they usually only see them on OH's contact time. It's a completely different dynamic. OH's ex moved away with them to be near her own parents so there's not really any circumstances where they'd be taking them out/having them over alone.

I had great times with my sister staying over at both of my nan and grandads' houses.

If your OH works away a lot, wouldn't you even want an hour to yourself?!

Personally I think it takes a village. My children have the most amazing relationship with their grandparents on my side who take them out, give them an afternoon of undivided attention and bring them home. I ended up in hospital with my second child, husband was with me and it made such a difference knowing my eldest was with my parents.

For the record, they parent as we parent - respect our wishes etc. Obviously now they are a bit older there are additional treats (gasp, a McDonalds or getting the hose out on the lawn or running havoc around the garden).

I have 100% happy memories of my childhood and grandparents were a big part of that.

I think you are being selfish in terms of them not seeing her after the pandemic. HOWEVER, RIGHT NOW...if she is at nursery I'd not be wanting to mix with my parents because it's putting them at risk.

Maybe wait another few months and reassess then.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

Post pandemic and assuming they’re of sound judgement, why wouldn’t you want your DD to spend time with them? Your post makes me feel sad on their behalf. Consider the potential that some time spent with them every now and again will benefit everyone, including your DD and you as a couple.

This. Some of my happiest childhood memories are time spent alone with my granny. My son spent a lot of time with his grandparents and says the same. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want the people you love to have a relationship with each other.

My relationship with my grandparents was entirely different when I was alone with them, than when my parents were there. I was their focus, we talked and did so much together. When my parents were there, it was about the adults talking together.

Even at my DGD's age (14 months) the way I can interact with her alone is different from then her mum is there, as is the way she relates to me.

My MIL was the best grandmother in the world. She'd occasionally come down to have my DDs when I got some supply teaching work. I'd come home to the most lovely scenes of adoring interaction. I'm tearing up 30 years later, picturing their love and joy in each other's company.

I can only aspire to create a relationship like that with my GD. I have huge shoes to fill.

There has to be a massive backstory about the grandparents here as I cannot understand why you’d be happy to put her in nursery for the morning twice a week instead of letting her be with grandparents. Are they elderly? Do you not think they’d care for her well enough? It’s such a personal thing but for me I’d 100% rather my daughter be with family rather than strangers for the morning🤷🏼‍♀️

My daughter goes to my mum and dads once a week whilst I work and she has the best time, she’s 13 months. My mum sends me photos throughout the day of their adventures and I love to know she’s happy in their care, I’ve not left her overnight and don’t plan to, but I’m happy to know if I needed to, they know her routine, they can comfort her and she’s happy.

I too sent photos during my first (and so far only)full day caring for my DGD, @JumperooSue! Her parents loved seeing her little grinning face, when they were on their breaks!
We had so much fun. I love the way her face lights up when she sees me now, and as soon as my DD walks through my door with her, DGD beams and reaches out for me to take her. She knows she has another person who loves her and adds to her life. Though of course I'm not her parents. GPs are no threat to that relationship. Just a bonus.

I feel a bit sad for the GPS in the OP.

I think at 18 months it would still be mostly for the grandparents' benefit. In my opinion nursery is better option for childcare, no problems if the grandparents are sick with not having cover and also more interaction with kids her own age and change for you to have a network of other parent friends. I know you say you don't like saying no to visits but that's only because they keep asking presumably! After lockdown I would tell them that you will be happy to meet together, and then try to take a back seat if you like. Your reasons for not wanting to leave her yet are perfectly logical. When she is older you will reach a stage when you are happy to leave her. But as her parents it is you who make the call.

@saraclara I couldn’t agree more! I love seeing how happy she is throughout the day and it makes my mum and dads week to have that time with her. And I always think in an emergency, I could
drop her there and she would know she’s safe and they’d be confident in having her. She brings out a side in my dad, that is just amazing to see.

Each to their own but i just feel it’s so sad that they are so eager and aren’t just being give a few hours of time. My mum and dad don’t try to to parent my daughter, it’s a completely different relationship, I think there has to be a back story here.

Aww. I've just remembered a moment when my youngest was a tot not much older than my DGD. We'd arranged to meet my MIL in a shopping centre near the station. She was coming down from Yorkshire again to look after my DDs for a couple of days.

We were early so I took the girls into the ELC for a while. Suddenly the buggy started bouncing around furiously in my hands. My MIL had apparently been early too. I didn't know, but my LO had spotted her at the other end of the shop. She was so excited that she was bouncing up and down in the buggy! I loved that she was so excited to see her DGM, and for my MIL...how lovely must that kind of reception have been for her!

My MIL is now only a shell, due to her very advanced dementia. Those memories are so precious to me now.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

There is nothing selfish about sending a child to nursery rather than use grandparents as childcare. At nursery she will be with other children, will learn to play and share, and learn social skills. With grandparents she will be the only child, just as she will be at home. Yes she may learn some social skills as well but in no way is the op being selfish

There is nothing to stop a bond developing once this pandemic is over, but we never stayed at our grandparents without our parents being there, it didn’t stop a bond being developed

If they are caring and decent GPs, please let your daughter establish a relationship with them. My DM worked full time so my brothers and I were often sent to our paternal grandparents. My eldest brother had a wonderfully close relationship with my Grandad and I was so close to my DGM. So much so, that my eldest daughter is named after her. She passed away a year after she was born and sadly never met my other child. It's been 8 years since she died and I still wish I could speak to her or hear her voice.

Decent Grandparents can often give children focused attention in a way that is hard for parents when they have work / life to take care of. My Grandparents had time for us in a way my parents never did.

All those saying she goes to nursery therefore why can’t she see her grandparents...I’m sorry but what?! The fact that she goes to nursery is even more reason to keep her away from the grandparents, both for their sake and the sake of the nursery staff! My two children are both in nursery still three days per week while we work, which is entirely within the rules and nursery are very happy to be open. I 100% believe that for our family, and the nursery, sending them is the right thing to do. HOWEVER, we feel it’s our responsibility to minimise the risks of anything being taken into nursery staff by being super careful and avoiding any unnecessary contact outside of nursery days..as we all should be anyway. Why on earth are people suggesting that the OP should allow her child to mix with grandparents and increase risk to the nursery staff?

I'm always so surprised at the range of responses on these threads. I don't get why time alone with grandparents is a must have. Maybe it's because I didn't have it growing up? Not that I feel like I missed out, I had one strict set of grandparents who I was wary of, and another set who were lovely and always gave us chocolate bars and cakes. Naturally I enjoyed visiting the second set the most.

I don't really want grandparents providing childcare for my DD. We plan to use nursery when I go back to work as I think nursery will fit her needs more. One side can't bear any mess and get very stressed when they have their other DGC, and at the moment I worry about the physical capability of the other grandparents. I genuinely don't think DD will miss out. Plus if they did provide childcare she would only go to nursery one day a week, and I don't think that's 'enough' time each week for her to settle in well.

Well, for now it's a pandemic so no need to say any more. However your DD is only 18mths. When she is into everything and more active, I'm sure you might not mind letting them have her for a couple of hours to go to the park or whatever. Later it might be useful for them to be able to pick her up from school and have her at their's for tea once in a while.
Having a child with you all the time when you are shopping, having your hair done or meeting a friend for coffee can be a bind and it really is good for any child to get some socialising in their life.

I love my kids deeply, but I absolutely love getting rid of them for a night!! If you don't want to do it, then don't, but your parents seem like they want a great relationship with your child.

You are definitely within your rights to say no.
Your DD is only 18 months and very little and plenty of time ahead to build a proper relationship with grandparents.It is slightly insane to think that 18 month old will be totally happy to spend time,especially overnight,in different enviroment
I don't really understand that pressure on parents to hand over a child only 'cos we are grandparents'.If they do visit and have a contact with her that's more than enough at the moment.You know your child best and your instinct is probably saying that it won't work right now.

@SleepingStandingUp

I think if I was the grandparents I'd wonder why you don't want me around your child without supervision

And I’d wonder why you would be so keen to have the child alone at such a young age. These things will develop on their own, unless you’ve pressured the parents so badly they are affraid to say yes even once when the child is older. OP didn’t have a baby to entertain others. And a little child doesn’t need to be shared, it’a not a bar of chocolate.

I had a great relationship with my grandparents and am keen to foster the same for DS with DP and DPIL.

Unless there is a backstory then I don't know why some parents are so against this (pandemic aside)

but it has to be when we are all comfortable and ready
You need to be honest with yourself OP, it's about you and your own comfort.

If you are worried about how your baby will react, you need to do it gently and go to another room, then leave the house for a few minutes.

She might be absolutely fine though it have a 2mns cry and that's that. You must have gone through it when she started nursery.

Of course, the longer you leave it, the more anxious she is likely to get.

And I’d wonder why you would be so keen to have the child alone at such a young age
How odd. It's their grand child, they naturally love them, they want to build a bond with them. Why does this seem suspicious?

Gosh I hope my future DIL isn't like this. Very happy to go by her rules and not overtake things, but being denied some time alone with them when the mother is happy for the child to be at nursery is pure insulting.

@dontdisturbmenow

And I’d wonder why you would be so keen to have the child alone at such a young age How odd. It's their grand child, they naturally love them, they want to build a bond with them. Why does this seem suspicious?

Gosh I hope my future DIL isn't like this. Very happy to go by her rules and not overtake things, but being denied some time alone with them when the mother is happy for the child to be at nursery is pure insulting.

These people are frustrated the child is breastfed. I wouldn’t be surprised if they want to have her alone so they can do things “their way”, whatever that may be. Their knowledge about babies isn’t up to date, because if it was they wouldn’t be frustrated about breastfeeding, but proud of OP. I wouldn’t expect the nursery to take this point of view, would you?

OP doesn't have to agree overnight but she won't even agree an hour at the moment.

The todler is 18 months, not 18 weeks.

Their knowledge about babies isn’t up to date
Them being frustrated (or so OP says) about breastfeeding does t mean their knowledge is not up to date. Parents knowledge is key, but it doesn't mean grand parents knowledge is useless, on the opposite.

The vast majority of 18 months old spend valuable and happy times with their grandparents. It's so sad and yes selfish to deprive them of this.

YABVU to send her to nursery but not to her grandparents.