to not want to leave child?

[PFBornMaybe]

I have an 18 month old DD. As to not drip-feed, she’s our first child, and will in all likelihood be an only child.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, grandparents have been quite insistent on wanting to be very involved. It’s very sweet and thoughtful that she has four loving grandparents. However, of late, their is an increasing amount of pressure from some of them about having alone time with her and wanting to babysit.

For several reasons, I have no need for a babysitter;

• I don’t want to leave my daughter.
• I don’t need a childcare bubble or support bubble (WAHM), although she does go to nursery, two mornings a week.
• We are in a pandemic!

Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, my partner and I don’t want to leave our daughter. He works away a lot, so when he’s home, we like our time as a family, and we get our alone time when she’s in bed. We’re not in a rush to leave her with anyone.

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

FWIW, we video call very regularly, she knows her grandparents by name, and pre-pandemic, we would visit them almost every weekend, and we’ll do the same on the other side of the pandemic too.

During the pandemic YANBU. After the pandemic, no need for overnight stays while she’s so young but I think an hour or two every so often while you and DH go and do the shopping or get some DIY done etc would be beneficial for everyone. Especially for your DD and her grandparents!

I really loved spending time alone with my grandparents as they were so much more fun during those times than when my parents were around. We had special little traditions which made me feel loved and special. I think it’s even more important for your DD to build bonds with wider family given she will likely be an only child. Also it means that when something random comes up and you need to leave her with them, both parties will be much more comfortable than if they’d barely spent time alone together.

Don’t be so sure such a time wouldn’t pop up! My mum was a nurse, so not a job you’d think would ever involve international travel, but she did end up having to go to America for a week when my siblings and I were little and it happened to clash with a horrible week at work for my dad. So the 3 of us got shipped off to stay with my grandma for the week. I think she struggled doing it for a week as we were a handful but it would have been really very stressful for everyone if she’d never had us for any proper time before that!

OP, ignore the people having a go at you about nursery - they're open, so you're entitled to use them if you feel you need. Definitely not a good idea for little one to go to nursery and see vulnerable grandparents in a pandemic though - I would remind them of that.

In pre pandemic times, my dd didn't stay overnight with grandparents until she was 2.5. I didn't feel ready til then.

I can't wait to send my 18m old to her grandparents overnight 🤣🤣

When the pandemic is over I would let your DD visit grandparents. They obviously love her so much, just think about sharing the love everybody would benefit. Instead of two mornings at nursery just send her the once and let grandparents have the other morning. Can’t see the problem unless there’s some other reason. You may wish she had a better bond and got used to overnight stays, if ever there was an emergency and you had to leave her somewhere.

I think post pandemic it's quite unusual. I can't imagine never having left my child at 18 months old. Having a child-free night or lunch out is so important in a relationship as is the child having a great bond with their grandparents. My two are 14 and 16 and still like a sleepover at my parent's house!

I spent almost every week end with my nan and grandad, Friday night to Sunday afternoon. And we went on holiday with them at least 2x a year. My nan was like my second mom I love her so much, but we didn't start going until I was old enough. probably 4/5/6
My siblings were younger when they first started having overnights but the point is, they waited until they were asked and it didn't start until my mom was ready to leave us.

my own Mil pushed for overnights with my tiny baby who was only a few months old. I gave in as I was only young but I wish I'd have kicked her in her gigantic teeth and run the other way! I spent so many hours crying over that- missing my baby whilst some other woman played mommy with my child.
haven't seen her in years and she didn't even last until my child was 3 so
Good for you op, wait until you're both ready (you and you 2 year old not you and your potential babysitters)

There is a reason you're feeling this way- you'll know when your baby is old enough because you won't feel this way anymore.
My own example of this is from nursery, eldest ds was 3 and a half when he started nursery and he was still so small, developmentally I don't think he was ready and we both hated it. it took a long time to get him settled and me even more so,
youngest DS is physically larger, and very much ahead of where ds1 was developmentally and he is only 2 and a half. I know he is ready for nursery now and I would be applying for him to go after Easter half term if it wasn't a pandemic. I'll leave it until September because of covid only but I know we are both ready because he is a different child (plus now I trust and know the school better)

if you came here to be reassured I will reassure you. your child your rules.

The OPs daughter is not a time share. They use Nursery two mornings a week in order to work. Not for a jolly. This way the little one gets a bit if socialization with other kids and a change of scenery.

Why should she use grandparents instead?

You're being somewhat possessive here I think. And using the pandemic as an excuse.

It's important for children to know that there another place and other people that they can feel safe with. In an emergency you would need those grandparents to take your child. And both sides need practice. The grandparents need to know how to care for your DC and their little quirks. Your DC needs to learn that they're safe and loved by these people and secure in their home.

My daughter and I started off with her leaving DGD for an hour during a longer visit here. She's go and run an errand or something, and DGD and I would have a lovely time, I'd learn how she liked to be fed and handled, and if I was unsure about anything I could ask DD afterwards. Having built that up, now they know in a safe pair of hands.

Just last week DD had a problem with the car, and was able to ask me to take DGD while she got it fixed. You will find that there's a benefit, as well as promoting a warm relationship for your DC.

My MIL was like this to the extent.she actively tried to discourage me from BFIng I caved in once and after that i put my foot down and just said no. Felt very stressful at the time to have to stand up to her.

I find it bizarre when grandparents are so keen to have alone time with grandchildren. My mum loves seeing my DC and she’d babysit if I asked her to but she prefers/is just as happy to spend time with the grandchildren with me there, same with my mil. From memory it was at around 18 months that DD started to spend the odd overnight with mil for me and DH to go to weddings and the odd meal out but obviously at the moment those things aren’t happening and if you’re not happy to leave her yet then it’s your choice.
I imagine at some point in the future you may need their help so I’d just continue saying politely that there’s no need at the moment

think it’s really sad that people don’t let their children have a proper relationship with their grandparents. I have so many happy memories of staying with my grandparents whilst growing up!

OP isnt saying she wont let her DC have a relationship with the DGP though. Just that she doesnt want to leave the DC. And there is nothing wrong with that

Just to add unless you’re a distance away there’s nothing stopping you or your DH meeting them for a walk with your DD to keep up the relationship.

It's perfectly natural for grandparents to want to spend time with their grandchildren, and it's good for the children to have this relationship too. It doesn't have to be overnight or for weekends but I think you're being a bit mean not to let them have her for a walk around the park or a couple of hours at home. Children grow up so quickly and I'm sure they feel they are missing out.

Absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting DC to go to her GP’s, especially in these current times, but she is very lucky to have 4 grandparents nearby and interested. I didn’t grow up with this, and I’m very envious of my DP who did and who has lovely memories of all 4 of his GP & time spent with them both with and without his parents. Post pandemic, is them taking her for an hour or two in the afternoon the worst thing? It might mean the world to them, and to your DC. Because of my DP’s job we’ve moved away from our parents and so my DD won’t have that and maybe I’m projecting but I think it’s a shame for her to lose out.

@grannyinapram

I spent so many hours crying over that- missing my baby whilst some other woman played mommy with my child

Really? That seems a bit extreme TBH.

After the pandemic I would suggest letting them have your dd for short periods, unless there's a backstory as to why they are unfit to care for her. Toddlers become increasingly difficult and you will be grateful for a little respite to do household jobs eg going to the diy store, clothes shopping, home maintenance etc - 2-3 hours every month really can be used effectively. I've never lived near parents but they would come up to ours quite a bit and most often we would be running all over town doing boring stuff that takes far less time if you don't have kids in tow and both of you can go eg takes half the time at the dump if there's two adults.

If you don't want her to go to grandparents then don't let her go.

I was more than happy for my DC to go to my DM overnight from 18 months, but wouldn't have been with MIL.

Sometimes I was desperate for child care and grandparents refused, and why not they had every right to go to their art class they'd paid for rather than look after my children. I'm just trying to say it works both ways. One day you might need someone your DD is familiar with when you do need childcare.

It would be sensible for your child to be used to staying with grandparents and look forward to it. If you wind up in hospital or have some other emergency,particularly as your husband works away a lot, you don't want the first time your child stays away from you to be in a panic situation as that could be could be very traumatic for her.

Allowing our children to bond with their grand parents is very important for children.

My parents lived miles away and were not very interested. They certainly didn't want them without me around. Despite regular visits and calls, they just never really bonded and I find it do sad now they are young adults as they are missing so much.

You just don't get to bond properly when the only contact us a quick visit and parents around, watching everything.

I personally think it's a feet selfish thing to prevent it. It certainly isn't in your child best interest unless there are genuine concerns.

Pandemic aside.....

Hmmm seems a little strange tbh.

Imagine when your a grandparent and your own child is refusing you spending time with your grandchild.

There must be more to it if you are happy for a nursery to take your child for a few hours but not the Grandparents.

Its important your child has a good variety of experiences and love, of course you dont need to let them stay overnight but a few hours once a month isnt too much to ask.

Remember that your child can never have too much love, and your very very lucky that you have people round about you and all they want to do is love your child and spend time with your child.

Grandparents like time alone with children because when parents are around children often ignore other adults in favour of parents and will turn solely to parents to have their needs met. This can limit the extent to which the child can form a deeper bond with the grandparent and learn that the grandparent can also be trusted to meet their needs.

Its totally up to you but it's nice for children to have a close bond with grandparents & lovely that your parents are so keen. Were you close to your own grandparents?

I have my gc's pretty regularly. Odd overnights with all or one at a time. My daughter gets a break and I have a fantastic bond with them too. It works well for us

@Henrysmycat

Wow! Not only you sent her to nursery but add insult to the injury by using the pandemic to behave this way to your child’s grandparents. And you have other cheerleaders here agreeing with you. How very sad for the grandparents. I understand if there was something wrong with them but you’re just being hugely unreasonable. You send your kid to nursery, where she comes in contact with at least 10 different household but when it’s your in-laws, it’s a case of “pandemic and don’t want them in my bubble”. Why don’t you say out loud you hate them or dislike them instead of posting roundabout excuses so random people on the internet excuse your behaviour?

That’s such an ignorant comment. It’s like saying just because someone sends their kids to school they can also send them anywhere. Lockdown has meant that young children just don’t have the same relationship with grandparents as they did previously - my ds is a similar age to OP’s and would be hysterical if we left him with my parents overnight all of a sudden.

I think it’s sad when people don’t appreciate that spending time with Grandparents without parents is a totally different experience.

Fair enough to say no during a pandemic, but saying “I don’t want here away from me” when you send her to nursery is basically saying “I don’t trust you”. If there’s reasons for that fine, but if there’s not then why can’t they spend a couple of hours with her?

Good grandparents are worth their weight in gold.

(And before anyone starts about neglectful grandparents or old people without the capability of care I said good grandparents)

My kids have amazing relationships with their GPs and a lot of that comes from the time they spend with them without us.

My kiods all have a wonderful relationship with my parents,

Going to stay with them was a treat, a special time and they loved it.

I can't remember how old they were when they first went to stay, the youngest was probably quite little as she went with her older siblings.
They alos loved time on their own.

I had a similar relationship wiht both my Grannys.
I had conversations with them, and learnt things from them that I didn't get from my parents (who were fab too)

Please, allow your child the benefit of this lovely relationship. Of course it is up to you, of course you can say no, of course you are the one who gets to choose.
But why wouldn't you choose something that would benedfit them?