to not want to leave child?

[PFBornMaybe]

I have an 18 month old DD. As to not drip-feed, she’s our first child, and will in all likelihood be an only child.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, grandparents have been quite insistent on wanting to be very involved. It’s very sweet and thoughtful that she has four loving grandparents. However, of late, their is an increasing amount of pressure from some of them about having alone time with her and wanting to babysit.

For several reasons, I have no need for a babysitter;

• I don’t want to leave my daughter.
• I don’t need a childcare bubble or support bubble (WAHM), although she does go to nursery, two mornings a week.
• We are in a pandemic!

Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, my partner and I don’t want to leave our daughter. He works away a lot, so when he’s home, we like our time as a family, and we get our alone time when she’s in bed. We’re not in a rush to leave her with anyone.

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

FWIW, we video call very regularly, she knows her grandparents by name, and pre-pandemic, we would visit them almost every weekend, and we’ll do the same on the other side of the pandemic too.

Pre-Covid, my DH used to take my DS to stay with his parents for the occasional weekend. I got two long lies in a row and my PILs had their grandson for a weekend without me "hovering" in the background. They developed their own routines and ways of doing things with DS. Everyone, including DH, is far more hands-on and involved when it comes to caring for DS because of these weekends, whereas before it was mostly my responsibility whenever we visited and I felt like I was just there as the babysitter.

Having said that, you don't need an excuse if you're uncomfortable with it. She's your child.

The only reason I think you’re not being unr is the pandemic. Otherwise sounds v v pfb to me

I imagine their frustration re breastfeeding is because they probably think that's the only reason they can think of why they've never been able to look after their grandchild alone (pandemic excepted, of course). Potentially, people of their generation might also think that 18 months is too long a time to be breastfeeding so they probably think OP is clingy or whatever.

Not saying they're right, but I can imagine they would wonder why they've never been allowed to look after their granddaughter even for an hour and have probably latched onto (no pun intended!) breastfeeding as the reason why.

There is a pandemic on! Even if you wanted to, she should not be visiting people. Wait and see how you feel after lockdown is over, but for now - PANDEMIC!

@ZoeTurtle

YABVU to send her to nursery but not to her grandparents.

She needs the nursery services in order to be able to work, which presumably she needs to do to keep a roof over their heads. The grandparents cannot and are not proposing that they look after their grandchild as an alternative to nursery.

I actually really appreciate the pun @Bibidy.

@Throckmorton I agree completely.

Just for clarification, we don’t visit anyone during lockdown! Even for the strange inbetween lockdown phase, we kept our distance from people (garden visits etc). She hasn’t seen anyone in person, apart from us, nursery staff or those (we don’t know) who are on walks at the same time as us for some time (we didn’t bubble at Christmas either), which also heightens the fact that post-pandemic, she may need more time to adjust to being in new houses or environments, rather than just leaving her with grandparents because they want her and love her. We really feel for the different sets of grandparents, we want them to have a great relationship with our little girl, I don’t think, passing her to grandparents at the first opportunity is the way to do that. It wouldn’t be fair on either of them.

It depends on your view of family I suppose. I dont prescribe to the your baby your rules school of thought that they are your possession.

My children are part of a wider family than just dh and I. They have separate relationships with their grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins and are very close to them. We now have a grandchild and SS and parent have left him with us just as we did with them when they were little. Just as my siblings have taken my children and I have my niece for days out and sleep overs.

Dh and I wont be around for ever and its important to me that they grow up with a strong family network outside of us like I did. As an adult I am extremely close to some of my cousins and aunties and uncles. My parents won't be around for ever and they are connections to them.

I don't think it is in any way strange to want spend time with your grandchild, niece, nephew etc and while you may not want to at 18 months I do think its important that your DD is comfortable with at least some trusted family or friends without your or you DH.

What if for example one of you ended up in hospital and the other needed to be their? I would much prefer to know my child was in a position to be looked after and cared for by someone they are comfortable with and trust.

There’s a huge difference between not letting an older child spend ‘alone’ time with grandparents, who may actually benefit from the treats and special 121 time, and an 18 month old who will just be put out by the change in environment and routine and be missing their mum.

@Snapcat

There’s a huge difference between not letting an older child spend ‘alone’ time with grandparents, who may actually benefit from the treats and special 121 time, and an 18 month old who will just be put out by the change in environment and routine and be missing their mum.

My 14 month old DGD isn't remotely put out by the change in environment or missing her mum. Nor would the vast majority be. The OP's DD copes fine with the different environment of nursery and doesn't miss her mum. So why would the GPs be different?

I'm not suggesting the OP leave her there the first time they can meet again. But it's in everyone's interests that they start the ball rolling straight away with a plan like the one DD and I put into action as soon as we were bubbled.

@saraclara My DTwins have stayed with grandparents from 10 months. I’m comfortable with that. Do they need to? Of course not. At this age they don’t gain anything from it in terms of relationship building that they couldn’t get from seeing the grandparents together with us. The OP is not comfortable with that set up at the moment, doesn’t need the childcare support and so it isn’t in everyone’s interest at that point.

@Lavanderrose

* YANBU. What do they intend to do with the child that they're not willing to do when the mother is around? Sounds suspicious. If they were offering to babysit so you could have a weekend away or night out, that's one thing - but want to be alone with them for no good reason, that sounds a little fishy.* *@saraclara*

My thoughts exactly. It is a little strange and suspect. And people who’ve not worked in safeguarding or have awareness of issues relating will not be able to fathom this but to others the first thing that springs into their minds is “warning alert”.
Also the more you give in now, the harder it will be to say no to things later on down the line.

I don't know why I'm tagged in that quote. I totally disagree with what has been said before my name, and I'd like that noted.

And I've worked in safeguarding for many years.