to not want to leave child?

[PFBornMaybe]

I have an 18 month old DD. As to not drip-feed, she’s our first child, and will in all likelihood be an only child.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, grandparents have been quite insistent on wanting to be very involved. It’s very sweet and thoughtful that she has four loving grandparents. However, of late, their is an increasing amount of pressure from some of them about having alone time with her and wanting to babysit.

For several reasons, I have no need for a babysitter;

• I don’t want to leave my daughter.
• I don’t need a childcare bubble or support bubble (WAHM), although she does go to nursery, two mornings a week.
• We are in a pandemic!

Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, my partner and I don’t want to leave our daughter. He works away a lot, so when he’s home, we like our time as a family, and we get our alone time when she’s in bed. We’re not in a rush to leave her with anyone.

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

FWIW, we video call very regularly, she knows her grandparents by name, and pre-pandemic, we would visit them almost every weekend, and we’ll do the same on the other side of the pandemic too.

I do think it’s precious, personally.

I agree with you & wouldn't leave my baby alone.

@Lavanderrose

I agree with you & wouldn't leave my baby alone.

The baby won't be "alone". It will be with the people who, after their parents, love them the most.

If you don't want your child to stay out that is fine, just say no. I dont look at my kids staying with grandparents as childcare though, they go because they have a wonderful relationship, adore their grandparents and they adore them. I grew up really close to mine and absolutely loved going to stay with them. I didnt have to, it wasn't for childcare. Im probably in the minority in that i see my kids as much belonging to grandparents as they do to me. They are their family and they would do anything for them as my partner and I would. My 3 year old gets so excited when he knows he is going there, my 16 year old doesn't bother so much now he is older, as I did at that age, then you get older again and appreciate them more.
I guess it maybe depends on the relationship ypu had with yours on how you see it with your own child.
My kids grandparents call and ask if they can stay for the weekend. If we have no plans then they can go.

It's totally up to you, obviously during a pandemic it's not necessarily a good idea. DS is 14 months and he had 1 night away recently so me and DH could attend a family funeral. The peace and quiet was glorious and my mum and sister were overjoyed to have him. DH however isn't keen on DS being away and I respect that, it's your child and your decision.

I think you're being selfish and incredibly precious. I would be over the moon if my parents were as interested as that. It is good for children to have many close bonds with relatives. Why on earth would you want to prevent that?

[quote MrsJBaptiste]@grannyinapram

I spent so many hours crying over that- missing my baby whilst some other woman played mommy with my child

Really? That seems a bit extreme TBH.[/quote]
It's not extreme
My baby was only 4 months old and I didn't want to let him go, but felt pressure by mil and gave in because it was causing fights between her and dh and subsequently me and dh.
it took a couple of months for me to put my foot down and it was hard and it was sad!
I still resent myself for putting up with that Bullshit.

Again
your baby, your rules.

hormones are very very extreme

I wish I had this problem. None of the grandparents (all alive and well) ever offer or have ever offered to take any of my 3 kids for an hour let alone overnight😂. Totally their prerogative and fair enough.
Would be nice to have a night off just once but obviously they're my kids so it's fine.

YANBU. What do they intend to do with the child that they're not willing to do when the mother is around? Sounds suspicious. If they were offering to babysit so you could have a weekend away or night out, that's one thing - but want to be alone with them for no good reason, that sounds a little fishy.

At 18 months the child would surely benefit more from spending a morning with the grandparents rather than in a nursery.

My dd went to grandparents 2 mornings and exh sister 2 mornings when I returned to work part time, she was doted on and loved it, she then moved on to nursery/playgroup when she was nearly 3.

As a pp said doesn't your child deserve a loving close relationship with their grandparents?

@happinessischocolate

At 18 months the child would surely benefit more from spending a morning with the grandparents rather than in a nursery.

In your opinion. I think the opposite my kids at 18 months had way more fun at nursery than they would have with grandparents . Especially in these times when they can’t go to toddler groups etc etc. 18 months old should be playing along side peers, copying each other, playing with new toys etc.

Shes young, she doesn't need to spend time alone with grandparents, and it's really not a vital part of kids development. They can bond just as much by just meeting up if they actually play with and give attention to the kids.

Just say you'll let them know when you need it, thanks for the offer, you will one day want it, so dont cut it off completely, but that doesn't mean you have to give it now, pandemic or not.

I would be prioritising nursery, it's more reliable and I think kids gain more from a nursery setting than time grandparents.

It's completely fine not to want to leave her (I think you're mad but that's besides the point ). Do what you're comfortable with but I wouldn't be rude about it or burn any bridges as you could be very grateful for the offer later on. She's still very young but it will be lovely for her to have fond memories of staying with her grandparents when she's a little older.

My mum was very involved with my DC from birth, particularly my eldest. Their relationship makes my heart soar. It also means I can leave them with her in complete trust. In terms of love and attention, her having them is no different from them being with me. Your little girl is very lucky to have grandparents who show an interest so I would definitely encourage that and facilitate it as much as you're comfortable with.

My children often spent time/overnight stays with my parents and loved it. Even now as adults they talk about how much they learned from them and how amazing those times were. Both my parents are passed now and both my kids were really close to them. I think also perhaps planning a child free night just for yourself and hubby could be something you both look forward to.

I totally disagree with nursery being more beneficial than time with grandparents - assuming they are good grandparents that is! Building loving, trusting relationships is waaaaay more important at that age.

A baby is not a possession that you own. It is your responsibility to help your child grow good relationships with positive family/ friends.

If your parents are not a good influence then yes you should protect your baby. If they are a good influence and are able, it is in your babies interest to build a relationship with family. A good parent should facilitate that.
Children are a responsibility not a possession to cling on to.

In a pandemic it is totally fine to want to shield your elderly relatives from a baby that is mixing through nursery though.

Another one here who agrees that it’s your baby, your rules. Yes, a good relationship with grandparents is great but ime nursery was a far safer place for mine. No outdated views on safe feeding practices. No mugs of tea and coffee left around on coffee tables. No comments like does he really need to be in the car seat for a short journey. Other children to play with and lots of great activities. Quite frankly there is no way I would have left mine with PILs when little. Own mother no longer here, that would have been different.

I think it is sad when grandchildren don’t have a close bond with grandparents and yes it should be that way round. Good grandparents are the people who love your child most in the world ( after mum and dad of course) my loving my grandchild is an extension of me living my son. I spent loads of time with my grandparents when I was young and my mum was a SAHM so didn’t need childcare just wanted us to be close I loved my grandparents and stayed overnight occasionally, they lived near a beach which was great as a child. My own kids spent loads of time with my parents ( in-laws less frequently as they lived further away) in particular they loved being with their grandad in the garden “helping”, my parents were retired so had all the time in the world to find pretty leaves, look for worms etc we would all be there on occasion but I would sometimes just leave them to it. My mum had all day to do baking with them as well, I worked full time so always had loads of stuff to cram into weekends so my parents were able to give my children the gift of time which is so precious. Also from a purely selfish point of view grandparents are amazingly helpful people to have once your kids are at nursery/ school. Your child’s a bit unwell too poorly for school but not so unwell that you need to try and get time off work at short notice and have to use annual leave or ask for unpaid leave, call the grandparents and if they can they will have the child and look after them with love. I now myself have a beautiful grandchild and we have the privilege of being in their life, they love to spend time in the garden with grandad making creatures out of branches, chalking on the slabs, watching the wildlife etc they love doing crafty stuff with me and “ helping” in the house. Sometimes the whole family is there relaxing sometimes they will just drop the child off. We have had our grandchild occasionally overnight from an early age, not us demanding it at all. My grandchild is now at the age to ask their parents if they can stay at ours and we all love the extra time together, we are not doing anything weird that we need to be alone to do. Obviously most of this was pre-COVID and when they FAceTime us to chat it’s hard as my grandchild will sometimes forget it’s not possible at the moment and will ask to come and stay.

@BeaSmithers

Just remember, there will come a time when you need them to look after the child. Don't ostracise them by being obsessive over her. Grandparents bond with children is just as important as yours.

Grandparents bond with children is as important as yours? What utter rubbish! A lot of very weird responses from people who sound like they had some oddly close relationships with grandparents. I saw my grandparents once a year, if that, and my own parents made it clear that they would never babysit them as they had already done their job of raising their own children. It sounds like a lot of grandparents are grieving being unable to have their own children and want to use grandchildren as surrogate children. Tell them that if or when you want them to look after the child you'll let them know and tell them not to ask again. They sound very controlling and need to mind their own business frankly.

I think if I was the grandparents I'd wonder why you don't want me around your child without supervision

I don't do this, but only as I don't trust my parents ( my Dad is very strict, short temper, used to hit me although not my younger brother 🙄) My MIL I do trust more, but she is mid 70's now and I'm not sure she could cope with a 1 year old, plus she has an massive pond at her house with no safety measures and I'm so scared of it, even with my 4 year old when we are there too.

@PFBornMaybe

I have an 18 month old DD. As to not drip-feed, she’s our first child, and will in all likelihood be an only child.

Ever since finding out I was pregnant, grandparents have been quite insistent on wanting to be very involved. It’s very sweet and thoughtful that she has four loving grandparents. However, of late, their is an increasing amount of pressure from some of them about having alone time with her and wanting to babysit.

For several reasons, I have no need for a babysitter;

• I don’t want to leave my daughter.
• I don’t need a childcare bubble or support bubble (WAHM), although she does go to nursery, two mornings a week.
• We are in a pandemic!

Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, my partner and I don’t want to leave our daughter. He works away a lot, so when he’s home, we like our time as a family, and we get our alone time when she’s in bed. We’re not in a rush to leave her with anyone.

AIBU to say no to grandparents? Is it a bit PFB?

FWIW, we video call very regularly, she knows her grandparents by name, and pre-pandemic, we would visit them almost every weekend, and we’ll do the same on the other side of the pandemic too.

Just say no for now.

After lockdown, you are totally entitled to just say no of course - but spending time with extended family will be good for your daughter (assuming they are nice GPS) especially if she is an only child.

A PP above mentioned having kids in early teens who’ve never stayed away from home. Up to them, but trips and eventually over nights are good and fun for kids. And it should be about what’s good for them.

Other than those reasons I think it would be lovely to have that type of relationship where they can stay over.

I find it odd that the op is being pressured by people into sending her dc to the grandparents house alone at such a young age! I definitely didn't feel that me or ds were ready for this until he was 3, 18months is still a baby, it's if no benefit to her to be away from you if you don't need the support.

I'm also surprised that you're being slated for sending your dc to nursery! They're open, you need to work and most people are still sending their children! And I'm someone who's opted not to send my 2yo ds, the decision is down to personal circumstances and no one should judge you.