Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged - or not? Am i being a princess

111 replies

SecondClassmyass · 25/01/2021 19:09

Sorry long post :( I have another account on here that i use occasionally. Please i need you opinion. Be honest
I am technically engaged. my DP asked me to marry him a year ago on my birthday (New Year’s Eve 13 months ago) and I said yes. Now the context.
He is still TECHNICALLY married. No kids. Has been separated for 3 years(we have been together for 2years and 3 months now), everything with the ex is going rather amicably, she has a new life, new boyfriend, knows about me. They had a business and a few properties together and the divorce is (as far as i am aware) in the final stage but has been dragging because of entwined finances. Add last year of Covid and everything takes ages he says. Anyway- back to the proposal.
He proposed on my birthday but let’s put it mildly, it wasn’t what every woman dreams of. It was completely unplanned, drunken kind of proposal, he hadn’t planned to propose, didn’t have a ring, he just kind of blurted it out after many too many glasses of wine. I was in a similar state, I said yes but deep down was feeling really sad that it was happening this way. I wasn’t sure he really meant it, i couldn’t even properly remember it.
The morning after he reassured he wants to marry me as soon as he can and he definitely meant it.
We provisionally agreed on spring 2021 (mind you, it was January 2020, so covid was just a tale in the papers about some new flu in Wuhan).

I had no way of knowing that he would still not be divorced a year and a bit on from that moment so we still can’t make any plans.
Also there is a sad ‘twist’ - he still hasn’t got me an engagement ring, money is not really the problem here, he is earning a very very good salary. He’s had 13 months.
We went on a short holiday abroad in August, I was 300% sure he had been waiting for a special moment to surprise me with the ring. He himself had mentioned it at least 5times as that point that he needed to buy me the ring, so i was really expecting it. Nope.
His explanation after I broke down in tears by the end of holiday- said he wanted to get me the best ring and covid is the only reason he hasn’t yet AS HE CAN’T GO SHOPPING. Between now and the ‘proposal’ over a year ago, he said about 25 times he couldn’t wait to marry me, except i don’t know what is going on?
Christmas- no ring
New years (and my birthday)- no ring (no mention of the infamous proposal the year before either)
I am not even counting on Valentines and unsure at this point what I want.
We have no wedding date, he is married still, no ring.
Every time I ask about the divorce (every 3-4 months) he says it’s nearly finished, almost there, just waiting for some papers.
Am i being unreasonable to feel so confused, and like this has been a complete head fuck and to feel fed up and drained. I would (and was) absolutely fine, ticking along nicely, enjoying our relationship until he half proposed and never followed through. I wasn’t pressuring him, talking about it, demanding a ring. HE did it, in a very shit fashion and started fucking with my head by not making things happen. Please tell me objectively- am I being a princess or this is not right. AIBU to feel a bit stupid at this point. Thank you

OP posts:
Athe · 25/01/2021 19:14

I’m not sure that a ring at this point would fix his unreliability.

LouiseTrees · 25/01/2021 19:14

The not sorting out his divorce is not on but I’m with him on the ring. You don’t want a rubbish one right? However you could tell people you are engaged. How does he feel about communication to the masses?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 25/01/2021 19:15

I would tell him that you want no more talk of marriage until his divorce is finalised, a married man (even if separated) shouldn't be getting engaged to anyone else imo. Just too messy and as you have discovered too many things can go wrong.

That is if you still want to be with him and marry him? If this behaviour has put you off then just break up with him.

LApprentiSorcier · 25/01/2021 19:16

Talk to him. He can't marry you until his divorce is finalised. Is the ring really important? If he wants to marry you, he can do so as soon as his divorce is complete. Stop getting sidetracked by the ring and tell him you'd like to get married as soon as possible. His answer will tell you what you need to know.

CakeRequired · 25/01/2021 19:19

Well he's not technically married, he IS married. He's not divorced so he is married.

Not sure even with covid how it's taken this long to finalise it, the solicitors were still working weren't they? Most things are electronic now, or they could post papers out. Sounds like he's delaying it possibly although god knows why.

He could shop online for a ring, it's hardly difficult.

He's making promises and not following through so he's unreliable. I wouldn't want that personally, up to you if you do. But you know it now, he'll be unreliable with everything, including kids.

billy1966 · 25/01/2021 19:22

OP,

It sounds really awful and Incan certainly imagine the shine has gone off whatever it was.

A drunken proposal and still no ring, yet 25 references to it🙄🤔........to sounds either really thick as shit or🤔nope, that's about it...he really sounds thick as shit.

Only you know if this what you prepared to accept.

Flowers
SnackSizeRaisin · 25/01/2021 19:23

He shouldn't have proposed unless he was in a position to marry you. I would be less bothered about a romantic proposal - that is unimportant. What matters is that you both want to get married. It's poor that he still hasn't managed to get a ring but again, I feel like you are getting a bit too hung up on rings, weddings, proposals, which are all just meaningless crap really. It's not up to the man to sort that out. Why don't you choose your own ring or suggest going to buy it together? Maybe it has less meaning for him as he's done it all before.

TwilledSilesia · 25/01/2021 19:23

His ‘mistake’ was in drunkenly proposing while still married and thoroughly financially entwined, and yours was saying yes, rather than ‘Ask me again when you’re divorced’. I’d be more focused on that than on the frankly weird logistics of afterwards — did you think he was going to re-propose with a ring? And/or when he was actually free to remarry?

Original poster
SecondClassmyass · 25/01/2021 19:24

It’s just that i have heard the ‘i can’t wait to marry you’ about 50 times now. And nothing. If I was him and was really struggling with finalising the divorce I would at least get a ring to ‘confirm’ that I was serious. It’s just a token, i know. And i said i don’t need an expensive one. He is just not doing anything. Words words words.
I told my girlfriends about the proposal, they lost interest by now and they are confused. He told his best mate I think.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 19:25

I wouldn’t have said yes knowing he was married already.

What do you want to do now? Would a ring really make you feel engaged when you don’t know when he’ll be free to marry you?

Are you expecting him to want to get married as soon as his divorce is through? He may, but has he said so?

Do you think his heart is in divorcing his wife? Whose fault is it that it’s taking so long?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/01/2021 19:25

Honestly I don't know. He knows the ring is important to you - I'm sure he could have sorted one before now, even if it was a pretty but cheapy temporary one. We weren't in lockdown over the summer - if he can go on holiday, he can get to a jeweller's shop!
But I think it's all essentially meaningless when he is still married to someone else. He's not in a position to marry you so 'engaged' is just a word at this point.
I think I'd tell him to get his divorce finalised asap and then propose properly, with an actual ring and ability to follow through ( if that's what you both still want).

mistermagpie · 25/01/2021 19:25

You're not being a princess and you're also not engaged in my opinion.

Engagements don't need a ring, not in my view, but they do need a clear intent from both parties to get married. You don't have a ring, you don't have any plans to get married and you couldn't even if you wanted to because he's still married.

Covid is an excuse. My DH bought me a diamond ring in the summer for my birthday, it was designed, made and paid for all remotely (because of Covid), so not being able to get to a shop isn't an excuse.

I don't know the ins and outs of why he's not yet divorced obviously, but if I was you I would be wondering about the future of this relationship.

SnowFields · 25/01/2021 19:27

I would tell him that you don’t consider yourself engaged to him and if that’s what he wants, he needs to finalise his divorce and surprise you with a special proposal and a ring.

billy1966 · 25/01/2021 19:27

You are certainly NOT being princessy....far from it.

Someone with as complicated a life as he has, married, not divorced, separated, but it involving a business....proposing ....finds it so difficult to organise a ring in 13 months.

Flakey, unreliable, too much baggage....

The fact that you CRIED at the end of the hioliday and he STILL didn't sort it would make me think you are being played a bit.

Either way...
Not much of a prize really.

Value yourself OP.Flowers

Ludo19 · 25/01/2021 19:29

Exactly what CakeRequired said.

He's married, he's evasive, he's maybe told his best mate.

I'd consider telling him that you're not engaged till he's divorced but it's apparent that he's a bit of a flip flopper.

crimsonlake · 25/01/2021 19:30

Divorcing and sorting out the finances are two entirely different entities.
I think he is stringing you along, sorry.

MerryDecembermas · 25/01/2021 19:30

Oh my god what?! He is still married. I couldn't even look at a man who admitted he was still married, never mind take him seriously. He can't even be arsed to divorce his ex! Leave him. What a dickhead.

AStudyinPink · 25/01/2021 19:31

Sorry, but it’s not an engagement. He’s not free to ask you. I wouldn’t accept a ring from a man with a wife.

Original poster
SecondClassmyass · 25/01/2021 19:31

Thank you for replies🥰
Yes i kind of worry there is a ‘secret reason’ for words and no action, i don’t know much about divorces, but 3 years? He said on that holiday in August it was literally a matter of weeks.

Oh, hmm- yes I was led to believe he was going to re-propose with the ring, as he said he wanted to make it nice and a surprise for me.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 25/01/2021 19:32

I don’t think you’re technically engaged either. I think you’re like “engaged to be engaged”.
He also (sorry) sounds like a bit of a shit.
As Judge Judy would say....are you sure this is the star you want to hitch your wagon to?

Thingybobbyboo · 25/01/2021 19:32

My ex husband got engaged while not yet divorced from me. I found it a bit icky. Not sure why but that was my feeling.

It’s way too late but maybe you should have said to drunken proposal ‘I will consider whether or not to say yes when you are 1) free to marry and 2) proposing properly (i.e. not drunk).

Sounds all far too rushed, maybe him now hesitating is a reflection of that?!

Cloverforever · 25/01/2021 19:34

I reckon he's future faking, to keep you dangling.

TwilledSilesia · 25/01/2021 19:36

@mistermagpie

You're not being a princess and you're also not engaged in my opinion.

Engagements don't need a ring, not in my view, but they do need a clear intent from both parties to get married. You don't have a ring, you don't have any plans to get married and you couldn't even if you wanted to because he's still married.

Covid is an excuse. My DH bought me a diamond ring in the summer for my birthday, it was designed, made and paid for all remotely (because of Covid), so not being able to get to a shop isn't an excuse.

I don't know the ins and outs of why he's not yet divorced obviously, but if I was you I would be wondering about the future of this relationship.

This. And I agree about COVID being an excuse. I managed to sell a house in one country, do an international move, and buy one and move into it in another country around the lockdowns, so it’s not that the entire legal profession shut up shop this year.
Sceptre86 · 25/01/2021 19:36

He is stalling, I wonder why? Set your sights higher, I think he is stringing you along. I would have a talk with him explaining your feelings at his lack of action and see how he responds. If it is not to your liking, cut your losses.

Woodlandbelle · 25/01/2021 19:36

I think I would ease things off. He was drunk and he didnt follow through on his promise.
Not saying to split up but just keep reminding him to stop the nonsense chat. You won't hear of it. Talk is cheap. Smile and carry on with your day.

Have long think about if you want this as your relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread