Engaged - or not? Am i being a princess

[SecondClassmyass]

Sorry long post :( I have another account on here that i use occasionally. Please i need you opinion. Be honest
I am technically engaged. my DP asked me to marry him a year ago on my birthday (New Year’s Eve 13 months ago) and I said yes. Now the context.
He is still TECHNICALLY married. No kids. Has been separated for 3 years(we have been together for 2years and 3 months now), everything with the ex is going rather amicably, she has a new life, new boyfriend, knows about me. They had a business and a few properties together and the divorce is (as far as i am aware) in the final stage but has been dragging because of entwined finances. Add last year of Covid and everything takes ages he says. Anyway- back to the proposal.
He proposed on my birthday but let’s put it mildly, it wasn’t what every woman dreams of. It was completely unplanned, drunken kind of proposal, he hadn’t planned to propose, didn’t have a ring, he just kind of blurted it out after many too many glasses of wine. I was in a similar state, I said yes but deep down was feeling really sad that it was happening this way. I wasn’t sure he really meant it, i couldn’t even properly remember it.
The morning after he reassured he wants to marry me as soon as he can and he definitely meant it.
We provisionally agreed on spring 2021 (mind you, it was January 2020, so covid was just a tale in the papers about some new flu in Wuhan).

I had no way of knowing that he would still not be divorced a year and a bit on from that moment so we still can’t make any plans.
Also there is a sad ‘twist’ - he still hasn’t got me an engagement ring, money is not really the problem here, he is earning a very very good salary. He’s had 13 months.
We went on a short holiday abroad in August, I was 300% sure he had been waiting for a special moment to surprise me with the ring. He himself had mentioned it at least 5times as that point that he needed to buy me the ring, so i was really expecting it. Nope.
His explanation after I broke down in tears by the end of holiday- said he wanted to get me the best ring and covid is the only reason he hasn’t yet AS HE CAN’T GO SHOPPING. Between now and the ‘proposal’ over a year ago, he said about 25 times he couldn’t wait to marry me, except i don’t know what is going on?
Christmas- no ring
New years (and my birthday)- no ring (no mention of the infamous proposal the year before either)
I am not even counting on Valentines and unsure at this point what I want.
We have no wedding date, he is married still, no ring.
Every time I ask about the divorce (every 3-4 months) he says it’s nearly finished, almost there, just waiting for some papers.
Am i being unreasonable to feel so confused, and like this has been a complete head fuck and to feel fed up and drained. I would (and was) absolutely fine, ticking along nicely, enjoying our relationship until he half proposed and never followed through. I wasn’t pressuring him, talking about it, demanding a ring. HE did it, in a very shit fashion and started fucking with my head by not making things happen. Please tell me objectively- am I being a princess or this is not right. AIBU to feel a bit stupid at this point. Thank you

In your shoes I would take back control, by telling him the next time he brings up the wedding that you are not engaged and if he does want to marry you he needs to sort his divorce out and then ask you properly ie present you with a ring when he is sober.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, It is pretty tacky to give someone an engagement ring when still married so maybe he is being mindful of that.

All mouth, no trousers. Tell him - next time he brings it up - that you don’t want to talk about it until he’s serious about it because he clearly isn’t.

And have a think about whether you want to actually be married to someone who’s as much use as a wet paper bag.

I don’t think you’re being a princess.
I think it sounds like you deserve better. If he wanted to get you a ring he would have by now. I don’t know about the divorce it could be taking ages as they often do.

I wouldn’t have accepted a drunken proposal from someone who was still married. He needs to get divorced before I would take a proposal seriously.

Technically you are dating a married man.

I think that not only do you not consider yourself to be not really engaged, you are reevaluating the relationship in the light of his procrastination and equivocation. And I think you’re right to.

I would tell him that you need a clear and honest timetable for the divorce and sone genuine clarity about the future otherwise you’ll have to reconsider if this is really the relationship you want to be in.

Consider this, there are men who would be in a rush to get that ring on your finger and “seal the deal”.

Well if he is married to someone else (there's no "technically" - he is) then he isn't free to marry you, and all these words are worth nothing! Legally of course "engaged" means nothing, but if you haven't got a ring, set a date, booked anything or told your families, that sends a pretty clear message.

I think you should be setting yourself a date (you don’t necessarily need to tell him about it) and if things aren’t any different, then call it a day.

He is still TECHNICALLY married.

No, he is still actually married.

There was a thread not too dissimilar a few weeks (months? I've lost track) ago. This man has got you dangling on a string. He proposed because it's what you wanted to hear.

YANBU

He sounds full of shite

He's kind of ruined it. But a life together is both messier and more meaningful than this missed moment and frustrating communication. You need to think long and hard about what you want does he make you happy warts and all. And if so you need to put this behind you and move forward only. But remember, this is the honeymoon period, so if its a headfuck now there's little chance of it getting better, so be honest about whether this is good enough to stick with.

Yeah, accepting a 'proposal' from a drunk, married man was never going to end well.

Next time he mentions it, just say as far as you're concerned it never happened and to bring it up again when he's actually single and free to marry.

Do you want to get married? How long are you happy to be as you are?

I think there are two separate issues here. You wanted a "performance proposal" and a ring. You also want to marry him.

The "proposal" and ring are meaningless unless he is divorced and serious about marrying you.

BTW, he has already proposed to you, but it does sound like he is stringing you along.

Tell him you're backing out of the engagement until the divorce comes through. If he still wants to marry you then, then he can propose properly, ring and all.

I'm sorry, op, but you have been very foolish to plan a future with a married man. He has already proven himself to be disingenuous and unreliable. How much more time are you willing to waste on him?

He is still TECHNICALLY married.

You accepted a proposal of marriage from a man who is already married, and not free to marry you. He does not seem to be making any progress on his divorce or on the financial settlement required as part of that divorce.

Whether you get a ring is not going to change anything that needs to change before he can get married again.

Your friends are embarrassed on your behalf.

I am very sorry, I would not consider myself engaged. I would suggest he comes back when he is divorced. You really don't want to be the rebound relationship.

Serious discussion time. He’s married - have you made provision in case he dies eg wills, severing of joint tenancy, nominating you as beneficiary on death in service/pension. Don’t assume ask outright. You’d be amazed how many don’t bother. If he dies tomorrow you could be stuffed. Yes courts are slow with Covid but 3 years sounds odd - does he fail to provide documents to solicitor delaying matters? Has he paid interim bills? Would he show you last update letter. You can’t be engaged if he’s married. Set out your expectations that you would like to be engaged with a ring when he is divorced.

Yes - without a will, if he dies tomorrow, you may as well never have met him.

Tell him you don’t want to hear anymore about this fake engagement until he’s divorced and there’s a ring, because otherwise it’s a huge disappointment to you and starting to make you feel really sad and not at all special, like it should have done. He’s made a miserable mess of it if he meant it.

Very bad form for someone to propose marriage when they are not in a position to do so.
The correct answer, if you don't want to say 'no' is 'come back when you have got a divorce'. He isn't in a position to be engaged.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long story.
I’m sure my friends are amused yes, and i am embarrassed to say the least. I wish i could cools things off and go somewhere to just be with myself. But i have moved in with him in July when the first lockdown lifted, and back then I was still kind of excited and impatiently awaiting the surprise re-proposal🤣
Obviously with covid the only place i can escape to is a muddy field so not a great environment to ‘clear my head’.

Why can't you move out again? Find a small place to rent (or do whatever you were doing before you moved in?)

I personally think he's keeping you dangling - think of it this way, Adele filed for divorce in Sept 2019, even she has settled on a sum and completed by now! So 3 years for "entwined finances"?!

He proposed before you moved in together? Strange.

I could move out, well at the moment it would be difficult in the lockdown, finding a new place. I have a lot of stuff including furniture and heavy paintings. But yes, i am considering it.
Good example with Adele, i might use it!

Yes he half proposed before i properly moved in, but we were staying at each others places 4-5days a week.

He's lying to you. I would definitely move out and cool it off a bit.