Engaged - or not? Am i being a princess

[SecondClassmyass]

Sorry long post :( I have another account on here that i use occasionally. Please i need you opinion. Be honest
I am technically engaged. my DP asked me to marry him a year ago on my birthday (New Year’s Eve 13 months ago) and I said yes. Now the context.
He is still TECHNICALLY married. No kids. Has been separated for 3 years(we have been together for 2years and 3 months now), everything with the ex is going rather amicably, she has a new life, new boyfriend, knows about me. They had a business and a few properties together and the divorce is (as far as i am aware) in the final stage but has been dragging because of entwined finances. Add last year of Covid and everything takes ages he says. Anyway- back to the proposal.
He proposed on my birthday but let’s put it mildly, it wasn’t what every woman dreams of. It was completely unplanned, drunken kind of proposal, he hadn’t planned to propose, didn’t have a ring, he just kind of blurted it out after many too many glasses of wine. I was in a similar state, I said yes but deep down was feeling really sad that it was happening this way. I wasn’t sure he really meant it, i couldn’t even properly remember it.
The morning after he reassured he wants to marry me as soon as he can and he definitely meant it.
We provisionally agreed on spring 2021 (mind you, it was January 2020, so covid was just a tale in the papers about some new flu in Wuhan).

I had no way of knowing that he would still not be divorced a year and a bit on from that moment so we still can’t make any plans.
Also there is a sad ‘twist’ - he still hasn’t got me an engagement ring, money is not really the problem here, he is earning a very very good salary. He’s had 13 months.
We went on a short holiday abroad in August, I was 300% sure he had been waiting for a special moment to surprise me with the ring. He himself had mentioned it at least 5times as that point that he needed to buy me the ring, so i was really expecting it. Nope.
His explanation after I broke down in tears by the end of holiday- said he wanted to get me the best ring and covid is the only reason he hasn’t yet AS HE CAN’T GO SHOPPING. Between now and the ‘proposal’ over a year ago, he said about 25 times he couldn’t wait to marry me, except i don’t know what is going on?
Christmas- no ring
New years (and my birthday)- no ring (no mention of the infamous proposal the year before either)
I am not even counting on Valentines and unsure at this point what I want.
We have no wedding date, he is married still, no ring.
Every time I ask about the divorce (every 3-4 months) he says it’s nearly finished, almost there, just waiting for some papers.
Am i being unreasonable to feel so confused, and like this has been a complete head fuck and to feel fed up and drained. I would (and was) absolutely fine, ticking along nicely, enjoying our relationship until he half proposed and never followed through. I wasn’t pressuring him, talking about it, demanding a ring. HE did it, in a very shit fashion and started fucking with my head by not making things happen. Please tell me objectively- am I being a princess or this is not right. AIBU to feel a bit stupid at this point. Thank you

My DP got me an old fashioned 'promise' ring but said it wasn't a proposal as such but he would like to marry me. I am still 'technically' married - 4 yrs separated. I got him a similar ring at a later date. We didn't make a big deal of it (cos I'm still married) and tbh, I'm in no rush to get married again even when the divorce is finalised. Maybe this is how he feels but is scared about upsetting you. It's not fair on you for him to keep mentioning stuff and not following through and I'd be having serious words with him.

Just move on. He’s had his chance.

@CryingHelps

My DP got me an old fashioned 'promise' ring but said it wasn't a proposal as such but he would like to marry me. I am still 'technically' married - 4 yrs separated. I got him a similar ring at a later date. We didn't make a big deal of it (cos I'm still married) and tbh, I'm in no rush to get married again even when the divorce is finalised. Maybe this is how he feels but is scared about upsetting you. It's not fair on you for him to keep mentioning stuff and not following through and I'd be having serious words with him.

There’s no such thing as “technically married.”

🤣🤣

Personally I wouldn’t consider you engaged? It was drunk/unplanned. He’s married. No ring/ detail of proposal. Surely he needs to sort out all of those first?

I agree about others that there is something pretty ick about someone who is married “proposing” to someone. Like end your other marriage first!

He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear.

And yes, he’s still very much married.

My best friends divorce is almost complete. It's taken just over a year.

Are his eyes brown ?

Because he is full of it.

Next time he opens his mouth, you reply ..........yes you said.

Now chicken or fish for dinner ?

There is an expression in Ireland about women who get engaged to men who don't want to commit and set long engagements.

Engaged to wait.

That just about sums it up.

Find your self respect and move on, he will either come after you, or you will have your answer.

He doesn't sound committed. It sounds more like he wants to keep you hanging but is hoping something better might come along (or come back.)

I think you've been given some really good advice here. Honestly I think he has all the power and is stringing you along a bit. Also, wise not to get engaged to someone who is married. Take a break, move out, see what happens. This is one of those make or break times in a relationship.

Osirus - people use that phrase a lot. It's to emphasise that you recognise that legally you are still married but you may have left the relationship some time ago. It's no big deal.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I would tell him that you want no more talk of marriage until his divorce is finalised, a married man (even if separated) shouldn't be getting engaged to anyone else imo. Just too messy and as you have discovered too many things can go wrong.

That is if you still want to be with him and marry him? If this behaviour has put you off then just break up with him.

This.

OP you are being strung along by a married man.

Separate and tell him to look you up when his divorce papers are in hand.

Proposals engagements and rings are all romantic froth imo. You are with a married man. You've allowed yourself to get thoroughly involved with someone who isn't free to marry you. It's arse about face. I agree with a pp that you would be well advised to take back control for yourself in this situation. For comparison my DW (same sex marriage) proposed by text message. No ring. Never been happier! We both knew it was the real thing, we were both free. We got married and lived happily ever after.

Why is a ring so important? Surely the question is do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If a ring is the only thing that makes you think yes or no then perhaps re-think.

I’d move out.
A man who has multiple properties and his own business can’t organise an engagement ring during covid?? Give me a break

If he wanted to He would. That applies to both the divorce and the ring. Leave and find someone who wants you

@SnowFields

I would tell him that you don’t consider yourself engaged to him and if that’s what he wants, he needs to finalise his divorce and surprise you with a special proposal and a ring.

This^. He is married - not technically - just married. You are not engaged because he is not free to marry you. You are just waiting on the shelf until he decides to sort things out -- if he does. Go out. Meet other people. There may be someone out there who is free to marry. Tell him to come back when he has a divorce and a ring.

If you have been together for two years or more, you surely should know what kind of man he is by now, you know, like trustworthy or not. Some men can be ditherers,but that doesn't mean they are unreliable at all.

Despite what he has said to you in the past, he might wish to get his divorce well and truly out of the way, before something special for you both to enjoy. It's not hard to wait a while,if you are both happy in your relationship.

Without being a lawyer can you not ( with amicable separation ) get a decree nisi in 2 years and absolute 6 months later - not sure how complex finances need to be to go beyond that - especially if the whole thing is amicable.

I don't think a proposal needs to be a down on one knee thing with a huge sparkler. It just needs to be a genuine question from someone you trust & you want to marry - so I think the ring is a red herring. Unless it is important to you of course - but essentially - until you are married it's just a present. I don't think since the middle ages there has been a "technical" engagement or betrothal

I am sorry if this all sounds harsh - I do not mean it to but honestly if you are hanging around for "some papers" - why can't he explain to you exactly where he is with the whole thing & what he sees as the steps to go through & how long they will take to complete

I am sorry, that did sound harsh - but I think realistic.

That said - I do hope it works out for you @SecondClassmyass

I was pregnant to my current dh before my divorce was through to my exdh

However we split in 2014, I got my own flat in 2015 and the minute I got the keys exdh started the divorce as I had to be gone a year. Divorce was finalised in March 2016 but I got my forms in April 2016 and I was 10 weeks by then.

However I wouldn't have got engaged to dh until the divorce was final. Baby was unplanned obviously.

I would not have said yes to a proposal from a man who was not yet divorced. My DH and I got engaged within about 2 weeks of his divorce coming through. It was always just understood that we would get married, I'm not sure there was ever a proposal as such - it was just something we both agreed we wanted as soon as it was possible, within a few months of being together.

But to announce anything formally and to wear an engagement ring while one or both of us was still technically married to someone else just seemed crass and a bit childish.

Did he propose because you'd been nagging him about it and feeling insecure about the time the divorce was taking? If so then he just did it to get you off his case. I don't think getting married again is particularly high on his agenda. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you and isn't committed in his own way - just that he doesn't care about getting married. Or that he is concerned about marrying again too soon and just isn't ready. How long had he been separated when you got together?

Okay... I think I know what is going on here...

From the legal point of view, giving you a ring, which screams right left and centre that you and him are “joining forces”, is likely to complicate the separation of assets GREATLY as, if he is expected to join forces with someone else, his right for “x” part of the former family pot will be deemed as reduced, therefore he will be getting less. He should not allow himself to be so open about getting married at this stage, this will make a bun fight of the separation of assets and extend the divorce process in court for more than a few months, years even considering the amount of assets he shares with his ex.

It is perfectly reasonable for him to hold on giving you a ring, but it is not not to have the spine to tell you why and just keep you hoping for the “real proposal” despite the heartbreak and disappointment is causing you. On that only, perhaps he is not the kind of man you can expect to have an equal relationship with where you both talk openly about everything, he will keep you in the dark with finances at least.

To be honest, I would forget about the ring and proposal for the time being, he might be a totally different person by the time the separation of assets is completed as that is when the proper fight and trauma after the split takes place and where many of us divorced people decide we cannot longer contemplate the idea of getting married again as we cannot bear the thought of going through another divorce process at court

I get it op. The ring is a sign he actually wants to marry you and is serious. His refusal to buy one when he’s had plenty of time, indicates he is not.

It’s hard to say, maybe he is waiting for the divorce to come through and then he wants to do the whole thing properly. Although it is a bit shitty as you’ve been crying etc.

Or maybe the divorce is already through and he doesn’t want to admit it, or is arguing and delaying the divorce and will not agree to terms and doesn’t want to do it again.

I think you need to have an unemotional conversation. Give him an out. Say look you’re ok with not getting married, you get it’s been hard with the divorce, and are happy to forget it for the foreseeable and see how you both feel in a few years. If he jumps at it, you have your answer.

He may not want to get married again. He could just be saying it to keep you happy.

I wouldn't advise anyone, man or woman to jump into marriage again so soon after a divorce, or non-divorce as in this case.

Speaking from personal experience - if he wanted to get married, he would have done anything to make you happy. And if that included buying a ring, he would Have bought it. But he clearly does not want to get married so spare yourself the heartache and move on.

It reminds of what happened to me... In the end we're getting married as soon as we can. His divorce only took about 9 months though and there were massive delays.

There is no technically married you either are or aren’t. It’s a legal status. If someone said it to me I’d think they were uninformed in same way when people say common law partner.
In ops case if his wife has a baby she can name her husband (ops boyfriend) as father on birth certificate without him being there as a husband is legally presumed to father of a married woman’s child.
I’ve told this story before. Woman came in solicitors office as she’d read in paper local man had died in factory accident. They had married as teens never divorced everyone assumed they had he’d lived with someone else for many years. No will, he hadn’t even nominated death in service/pension etc. Wife was his next of kin and inherited the lot. I can remember the secretaries being horrified but it was perfectly straight forward.