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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged - or not? Am i being a princess

111 replies

SecondClassmyass · 25/01/2021 19:09

Sorry long post :( I have another account on here that i use occasionally. Please i need you opinion. Be honest
I am technically engaged. my DP asked me to marry him a year ago on my birthday (New Year’s Eve 13 months ago) and I said yes. Now the context.
He is still TECHNICALLY married. No kids. Has been separated for 3 years(we have been together for 2years and 3 months now), everything with the ex is going rather amicably, she has a new life, new boyfriend, knows about me. They had a business and a few properties together and the divorce is (as far as i am aware) in the final stage but has been dragging because of entwined finances. Add last year of Covid and everything takes ages he says. Anyway- back to the proposal.
He proposed on my birthday but let’s put it mildly, it wasn’t what every woman dreams of. It was completely unplanned, drunken kind of proposal, he hadn’t planned to propose, didn’t have a ring, he just kind of blurted it out after many too many glasses of wine. I was in a similar state, I said yes but deep down was feeling really sad that it was happening this way. I wasn’t sure he really meant it, i couldn’t even properly remember it.
The morning after he reassured he wants to marry me as soon as he can and he definitely meant it.
We provisionally agreed on spring 2021 (mind you, it was January 2020, so covid was just a tale in the papers about some new flu in Wuhan).

I had no way of knowing that he would still not be divorced a year and a bit on from that moment so we still can’t make any plans.
Also there is a sad ‘twist’ - he still hasn’t got me an engagement ring, money is not really the problem here, he is earning a very very good salary. He’s had 13 months.
We went on a short holiday abroad in August, I was 300% sure he had been waiting for a special moment to surprise me with the ring. He himself had mentioned it at least 5times as that point that he needed to buy me the ring, so i was really expecting it. Nope.
His explanation after I broke down in tears by the end of holiday- said he wanted to get me the best ring and covid is the only reason he hasn’t yet AS HE CAN’T GO SHOPPING. Between now and the ‘proposal’ over a year ago, he said about 25 times he couldn’t wait to marry me, except i don’t know what is going on?
Christmas- no ring
New years (and my birthday)- no ring (no mention of the infamous proposal the year before either)
I am not even counting on Valentines and unsure at this point what I want.
We have no wedding date, he is married still, no ring.
Every time I ask about the divorce (every 3-4 months) he says it’s nearly finished, almost there, just waiting for some papers.
Am i being unreasonable to feel so confused, and like this has been a complete head fuck and to feel fed up and drained. I would (and was) absolutely fine, ticking along nicely, enjoying our relationship until he half proposed and never followed through. I wasn’t pressuring him, talking about it, demanding a ring. HE did it, in a very shit fashion and started fucking with my head by not making things happen. Please tell me objectively- am I being a princess or this is not right. AIBU to feel a bit stupid at this point. Thank you

OP posts:
TitInATrance · 26/01/2021 09:36

Not judging because I was in a similar situation 35 years ago, but the divorce needs to come before the engagement- he isn’t in a position to commit.
With the benefit of hindsight, I’d be telling him that much as you love him it’s all pie in the sky until his current marriage is ended.

Iwonder08 · 26/01/2021 09:48

OP, all the needeness and tears about the ring is offputing. I don't think it is important if you are technically engaged or not. Next time he mentions how he can't wait to get married do tell him calmly and openly that you have no clarity on his divorce situation and he is not in position to marry anyone. Once he confirms the divorce is done you can go and choose the ring together. It is likely the shops will be open when his divorce is finalised.

Rapunzel91 · 26/01/2021 10:06

Hi OP. I agree that it seems very long for the divorce to still be going on 3 years later, especially as it is amicable. My DPs divorce was not amicable and there was a lot of issues but still done in 2 years.

You asked for honest opinions in if I was in your opinion I would be very frustrated and not happy. I would have a chat to make your feelings across, not doing any blaming just tell him how you are feeling and why and ask him his opinion why the divorce is taking so long and your disappointed in his commitment to you and marrying you. Then depending on what he says you can make up your mind how you want to go on. It's your life OP, you can decide.

missymousey · 26/01/2021 10:06

Do you want to marry him anyway? I don't think I could handle a lifetime of flakiness like this.

Brefugee · 26/01/2021 10:16

The stuff about the ring is princessy. I "got engaged" (before living with someone, curious comment by pp about that) and 5 months later we were married and if I hadn't bought myself a pretty sparkly ring because i wanted it about 10 years afterwards (and jokingly call it my "engagement ring" - joint finances) i would probably never have got one. I was no less engaged, and am no less married (surely that's a hangover from the days when women had dowries and needed a nice expensive ring as a tiny bit of their own financial security?)

So under normal events I'd say: as soon as someone proposes and their partner accepts they are engaged. The ring is just frippery on top.

However if someone is still legally ("technically" Grin -is being technically married like being a little bit pregnant?) married they can't really get engaged in the proper sense of a promise to marry someone IMO. (although - meh, yeah, they can)

Your problems are way beyond "he hasn't brought a ring" "it wasn't a Disney/romantic proposal". In your shoes I'd get myself out of his house pronto and reassess my relationship.

movingonup20 · 26/01/2021 10:21

This past year has been incredibly difficult for everyone, I've also not sorted my divorce so I do get that, as I'm in no hurry to marry etc we just haven't bothered with the paperwork and I personally wouldn't want a ring mail order (though the shoos were open last summer!) I personally would just leave it for now and come the summer see what happens

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 10:21

I think the ring is a symbol to thr op, she gets to show it to everyone ans show she’s engaged. Right now it’s a drunken will you marry me. With no signs of that occuring, not even a ring to show he’s serious, so it means she looks like he only asked because he was drunk, and he doesn’t even want to buy her a ring.

Brefugee · 26/01/2021 10:30

True. I do also love looking at people's engagement rings because i just love sparkly jewellery.

But i have never understood (and i guess it's on me) the obsession with that in the face of so many other relationship red flags.

Rillington · 26/01/2021 10:33

There's no "technically" about it. If he wanted to marry you he would have arranged it by now.

JovialNickname · 26/01/2021 11:45

He's not technically married, he's married! You can only be married to one person at a time, so he can't in good faith be engaged to be married to you, when he's actually married to someone else. Sono you're not engaged as he is not legally free to marry.

As an aside I do wonder why some women set such huge store by marriage, and think of it as such an amazing and important thing (for themselves) yet simultaneously think so little of it that someone else being married to their partner is completely immaterial to them!

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2021 12:11

The irony

Calmandmeasured1 · 26/01/2021 12:31

He is still TECHNICALLY married.
Wtf does 'technically married' even mean? He is married.

Maybe he is now, sensibly, waiting until he is divorced before buying you an engagement ring? Maybe he should have waited until he was divorced before he proposed to you?

Please tell me objectively- am I being a princess or this is not right.
You are being a princess. You seem obsessed about the engagement ring and have built up the circumstances in your head into some ultra romantic occasion that it may not be. I fear you will be disappointed. If he went out and bought you a ring, now as a surprise, you could absolutely hate it or think the stone was too ostentatious or not big enough or the band could be in the wrong metal. You really need to tone down your expectations. Discuss it with him and go out together, when non-essential shops re-open and, assuming you do both want to marry, choose the ring together.

1Morewineplease · 26/01/2021 12:38

The fact that you've said that you're considering moving out, suggests to me that this relationship is going nowhere .

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2021 13:09

@SecondClassmyass - I do sort of see @Bluntness100 ' point in that a ring is very much a symbol to you of his commitment

Call me cynical - yup your'e cynical Grin - I'd see a very much greater symbol of his commitment as telling you exactly where the legal things are re getting divorced , when various documents were going to be signed so then he could marry you . At which point - get a sparkler

Or get the ring now if it is important to you both - and he can still tell you how he is exiting his marriage - all valid. But not knowing how his divorce is proceeding I think slightly strange.

But enough - I suspect you know - but I do wish you well @SecondClassmyass

Original poster
SecondClassmyass · 26/01/2021 13:10

Sorry i shouldn’t have used that technically married phrase. I thought it would reflect that he is legally married but not living together and separated and both parties have new partners so in that sense it’s not a functioning marriage but yes, i see he is legally married.
To my defence I had made zero demands about getting married or engaged, he ‘proposed’ himself. And I only brought up the no-ring situation once- on that holiday. After rubbing the promise which I’d never asked for in my face for months.
I guess I did want marriage at some point but didn’t have it on my radar until that drunken night. Then I sort of fell into this wedding bubble, but I do understand how pathetic it sounds given the circumstances. I genuinely thought it would be a month or two for the divorce to be over as it had been going for 2 years by then.

I also see how it sounds about the ring, and i know it’s just a symbol, so I don’t even have that symbol to show. Yeah, i know now it sounds like I’m clutching on straws here.
But thank you for all advice, it’s really helpful

OP posts:
Whammyyammy · 26/01/2021 13:13

Hes married and also 'engaged..... interesting

Dixiechickonhols · 26/01/2021 13:18

Good luck op.

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2021 13:23

@SecondClassmyass I hope any advice you will take in the best spirit - obviously no-one can know this chap more than you . So advice meant well - I do hope it all works out well for you Flowers

Original poster
SecondClassmyass · 26/01/2021 13:28

Oh, and he asked for my ring size and style I would like... I don’t know if men realise that when they make these sort of questions or promises to a woman and then just leave it there hanging in the air it can be really hurtful.

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 26/01/2021 13:32

Ask him to propose with a ring after his divorce is finalised. As a 'proper' proposal when you're both single.

Sunshinesky1981 · 26/01/2021 14:11

My 'technically ' husband has been engaged for 6 years now and still hasn't got round to starting divorce proceedings. Haven't a clue why as should be straight forward, have been separated for coming up 10 years now. I'm being stubborn and waiting for him to do it as I'm not willing to pay for it as have no plans to marry again. But it does always seem strange to me that you can be engaged while still married to someone else... whats the point?

FactF1nd1ng582 · 26/01/2021 15:46

He can't be bothered to divorce

He can't be bothered to buy you an engagement ring

See a pattern here ?

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 15:58

@SecondClassmyass

Oh, and he asked for my ring size and style I would like... I don’t know if men realise that when they make these sort of questions or promises to a woman and then just leave it there hanging in the air it can be really hurtful.
Yeah they do.
Aprilx · 26/01/2021 17:43

I don’t think you are being a princess, I think the issues are deeper than that. I also would not consider myself engaged if I were you. But I would have told him that I am not going to consider myself engaged to somebody who is married to somebody else. I think I would feel absolutely ridiculous going round and telling my family and friends that I am engaged in such circumstances!

Considering where you are, I would tell him that you want no more discussion about rings, engagements or getting married until the divorce is through. And if he continues to drag his heels over that then I would have to consider for how long I am going to waste my time.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/01/2021 17:45

Dump this prick and don't waste your life on him. Trust me I know.