Help. I really think I might be a terrible aunt

[keepittogethernowlisa]

Will try to keep this short(ish).
I live alone and I’m in a support bubble with my older sister’s family. My niece is 10, nephew 8, they come and stay with me all the time. Over the last two months I’ve seen them at least 3 times a week, 2 of those days will be in the week for homeschooling so full days.

I know homeschooling is tough on everyone but I find it especially tough. I don’t know if it’s just me.

My niece and nephew always seem to be badly behaved. Not really badly behaved as such but constant low-level naughtiness and disruption. They can’t sit for more than 15mins with throwing something or running around the room or going in my bedroom to open the wardrobe. They pull faces, say nonsense words, ask silly questions. Anything to provoke and get a reaction. I try and ask them questions and relate to them but it doesn’t work. At dinner they bicker with each other, refuse to eat things, put their food back into the serving plate. It feels like there is never a quiet moment to actually connect with the kids.

My sister doesn’t see it or pretends not to. She says this is just what having children is like. She will tell me stories of how the kids talk to her “for hours” . “Oh they are the sweetest kids”. They are not around me! I’ve never heard her have a conversation with them for longer than a few minutes, and it always ends with one of them saying something silly or being disruptive and her shouting. She says that’s how all children are. What, all the time?

I want to have kids some day but I wonder is this how it is? I’m struggling to see the positive side of it.

I have a few friends with young children and only see them on Zoom these days or in the park over the summer. They seem much calmer, able to hold conversations with the children. I went for a walk with a friend and her dd and the dd ran off to pick a flower, brought it back to show my friend and they had a ten minute conversation about it. We then kept walking. I’ve never seen my niece or nephew do that, ever. But I’m aware these are only snatched moments.

Give me some perspective. Am I a terrible aunt? What can I do to be better?

Ok, you don't want to stop seeing them. But you are doing your sister a massive favour, and she might stop you seeing them for a couple of weeks but I bet she would back down first
So I think you have 3 options

1. write her a nice clear note saying that they way they behave is not acceptable to you and you need to be able to discipline them in your home without being undermined by her

Or you cut it right back to half a day or maybe one day a week. Takes the pressure off the home schooling. Tell her you can't cope with their behavior for more than half a day at a time. This will inconvenience her and she may come round to modifying their behavior Or you just accept that you don't see them as much, it doesn't sound like they bring you much joy tbh I wouldn't put up with it, your house your rules, you aren't doing them any favours tolerating it.

"I can't see a way out. I don't want to stop seeing them."

So see them on your terms?

No full days, no homeschooling?

Oh, this is not good. So she basically punishes you if you try to lay down any boundaries by not letting you see the DC? I am not sure this is a relationship worth having on these terms.

Set an end point to all this (Feb half term?) And maybe think about talking to someone about it. Your DSis has got some kind of issue. You can only change how you respond.

@keepittogethernowlisa tbh I suspect the problem is mine as much as anyone else's, and the key to it is probably for me to relax and not feel that my family are judging me and critiquing my parenting (they probably aren't, or at least not to the extent that I imagine).

But tbh the more you post, the more I feel your Dsis is taking the piss a bit and this goes a lot deeper than kids just playing up for aunty. It sounds as if she's using you to play 'good cop, bad cop' and that's not on. Your comment "I think my Dsis feels it is fun to undermine me". WTAF? That's absolutely not on.

In all honesty, I would withdraw the homeschooling and let her pay for childcare. Go back to just doing a classic aunty role. Maybe just see them once every couple of weeks or so. You don't have to stop seeing them at all, but you would probably be a lot happier if you didn't have to carry on homeschooling them.

Your DSis sounds like a prick.

I struggle with discipline too sometimes and being “emotionally honest” and letting them see I’m upset, as you’ve mentioned, has been the only thing that consistently works for me.

@Phineyj

My DC can be so difficult (mostly with me/DH). But she would also be in giant trouble if she backchatted an adult looking after her and she knows it.

OP, you do not have an aunting problem. You have a DSis problem.

I would agree with this.

I imagine she's stopping you seeing the kids because you're complaining about their behaviour. Perhaps her thought process is Well if you don't like it then I'll find an alternative which is actually fair enough.

What can your sister do to make them behave when she isn't there? Any alternative childcare that she pays for would provide discipline if needed so why can't you?

You want them to have a family life. Family life comes with family rules and behaviour and sometimes aunties who teach table manners. Children don't come fully formed and trained. You can't expect your sister to say a magic word at home and 'fix' them for next time they visit, so if you want them to have big family meals - then teach them how,

@Haffdonga That is her reasoning. And maybe as you say it is fair enough. When they have had daycare I guess they behaved well enough. My thought process is if she would back me up more on the discipline maybe we could actually have decent conversations and a family life. You say to teach them how, ok I'm willing to learn. But surely discipline has to come first? I'm willing to be told I'm unreasonable.

@KeanBeanz

I want to have kids some day but I wonder is this how it is? Yes, my advice would be to skip it altogether!

I’m struggling to see the positive side of it
I've heard that apart from a few nice moments it's not really worth it.

I on the other hand love it and for me there are millions of positives. However I only have one which I think is much more manageable!

They still feel very immature to be honest and I posted here hoping to hear if I was wrong. It sounds like they are a bit immature still. I don't know how to make it right.

I can give you an example. My nephew likes piano music. I have a portable keyboard and let him play with it and I wanted to get him interested in it. I'll show him a piece of music on youtube and then play a little bit. He stays interested for maybe 5mins and then runs off or bangs the keys or makes a face. I can't seem to keep him interested in anything in a structured way.

A lot of my friends and colleagues have nice grown up children (I had mine quite late). Some of their DC were appalling at times the way they tell it. So if you think long term, there's the possibility of getting a lovely adult out of it.

Can you take them for long walks and bike rides and leave her to deal with homeschooling. I think if you turn the tables so you're "fun aunt" then YOU would enjoy it more.

@diddl

"I can't see a way out. I don't want to stop seeing them."

So see them on your terms?

No full days, no homeschooling?

See it might have to be like this. Only then I'd only see them on weekends and we would never have a close relationship.

@Phineyj

Oh, this is not good. So she basically punishes you if you try to lay down any boundaries by not letting you see the DC? I am not sure this is a relationship worth having on these terms.

Set an end point to all this (Feb half term?) And maybe think about talking to someone about it. Your DSis has got some kind of issue. You can only change how you respond.

Who could I talk to about it @Phineyj? I would do that.

It might be interesting to look up symptoms of ADHD in adults and see if anything rings a bell re your sister.

Your nephew's behaviour sounds like my own child's and if your sister is similar, she may not see it as unusual.

However: big caveat: she sounds most unlikely to want to hear it.

I really think you need to take the stress out of seeing them and just see them for fun activities. I can tell you really want a relationship with them which is lovely but they aren’t your children to parent and your sister won’t let you discipline them at all. I strongly feel you should stop homeschooling them which does require boundaries and discipline (by discipline I mean a simple sit and do this piece of work then we will do x once it’s done) and just start going out for a play in the park. Your an Aunt, you should be having fun and enjoying them not having all this stress to the point it’s putting you off having children. It all seems so unfair on you and your niece and nephew.

You sound amazing, if you were my sister I would be showering you with gifts for helping me out.

The children sound like an handful but it's difficult for them right now, with the absence of routine and their peers. It's probably a combination of boredom and your sister being overwhelmed with the situation.

What you said about them behaving for your sister but not for you does ring true - my kids are pre-schoolers and are often very well behaved , sitting quietly drawing, playing Lego etc. Then someone comes to the house and they go crazy and all traces of the good behaviour disappears. I think they get overexcited.

I meant a counsellor. I did talk to one about my own DSis (and asked on here). Advice was to back right off and stop trying to "help". Our relationship is a lot better 5 years on.

See it might have to be like this. Only then I'd only see them on weekends and we would never have a close relationship.

Only seeing them on weekends is normal. You can still have a close relationship by only seeing them on weekends. My children are very close to their uncles mainly who they only see 3/4 times a year. It’s quality rather than quantity.

Sorry havent read the whole thread so please ignore if this has already been suggested but have you tried having them one at a time? All the children I know are full of surplus energy atm - too much time in the house and too few other children for company. So try ditching the home schooling and do something energetic instead.

It is a well recognized fact that other people's children are more mature than your own. The truth is, of course, that you only see that side of them.

@Phineyj

I meant a counsellor. I did talk to one about my own DSis (and asked on here). Advice was to back right off and stop trying to "help". Our relationship is a lot better 5 years on.

My bf said this. He thinks I'm trying to make them into a family they're not. He maybe right. He has a close family (greek culture) and I like how they are together. Part of the reason I don't take my niece and nephew out with him is I don't want him to be shocked or think we couldn't make a nice family.

"Only then I'd only see them on weekends and we would never have a close relationship."

OP this is batshit. Is this what you seriously think?

You can have a close relationship with nieces and nephews even if you only see them on weekends - and even if you see them a lot less than that!

Despite what I've posted upthread, my DSis and my DC have a close relationship. She probably saw them once every month or so in non Covid times.

You do not have to see your niece and nephew on a daily basis to be close to them.

@Porcupineintherough

Sorry havent read the whole thread so please ignore if this has already been suggested but have you tried having them one at a time? All the children I know are full of surplus energy atm - too much time in the house and too few other children for company. So try ditching the home schooling and do something energetic instead.

It is a well recognized fact that other people's children are more mature than your own. The truth is, of course, that you only see that side of them.

Can't really do one at a time because Dsis would have to pay for a minder for the other. For PPs who said take them half the day, I can't - Dsis has to work, so either it's a full day or nothing.

"See it might have to be like this. Only then I'd only see them on weekends and we would never have a close relationship."

Ok, so it's full days or nothing in the week?

But it doesn't follow that weekends only doesn't mean no close relationship!

I mean they'll be back to school at somepoint!

How often did you see them before covid?

In fact if anything I think you would end up being closer to them if you saw them less.