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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i be worried about paying for boyfriends house

302 replies

Centaurpede · 24/01/2021 15:05

So, I live with my boyfriend in his house, we are planning to move into our own one in a few years. He wants to do up this house and wants to share costs of doing that. I have enough to share costs comfortably but I would rather keep the money for new house which would actually be mine too. Aibu? Or should I set a limit on how much I will spend on this one?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2021 17:35

And what if she’s lived there rent free For ten years and instructed zilch?! She can come back and say so and get different advice!

bourbonne · 24/01/2021 17:36

I think there is a man on this thread clutching at straws to make quite a separate argument fit. I don't think anybody on this thread has suggested that the OP shouldn't have a claim on this house if they were to marry (the size of which would obviously depend on all the usual factors considered in divorce). We are warning her about what will happen if they split, or he dies, before marriage.

Parkperson · 24/01/2021 17:36

The expression cocklodger is common on here. I have never heard of anyone being able to gain access to someone's property or house except through marriage. Of course, there are plenty of women who look for free lodgings as well.

marshmallowfluffy · 24/01/2021 17:39

Yes you should be worried . Only invest after you've both signed a legal agreement saying that you'll get your money back with interest in the case of a break up.

Original poster
Centaurpede · 24/01/2021 17:40

OK, everyone has asked if I'm paying rent, yes half of mortgage and outgoings which is less than I would pay to privately rent on my own.
And someone asked about percentages of owning new home, I'm not sure about that yet.
We have been together 4 years and hope to marry at some point.
I want to agree with osirus but most of the advice is overwhelmingly opposite!

OP posts:
LizB62A · 24/01/2021 17:40

Don't do anything that you won't benefit from so, if you do contribute, get something drawn up legally so that your contribution is protected.

My then-husband tried to persuade me to start heavily overpaying the mortgage (he was getting paid cash in hand so the money would have come out of my earnings)
It turns out he'd decided that we were getting a divorce so was just trying to get me to spend more so he ended up with more cash when we split the house. It makes it hard to trust anyone else when it comes to financial matters.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2021 17:40

@Parkperson

The expression cocklodger is common on here. I have never heard of anyone being able to gain access to someone's property or house except through marriage. Of course, there are plenty of women who look for free lodgings as well.
But of course. And the advice for the man/other woman in that relationship would be told the same here...
PicsInRed · 24/01/2021 17:40

You would be mad to even seriously consider this.

HTH1 · 24/01/2021 17:42

Yes, share the costs after (and only after) your name has been put on the deeds of the existing house.

Parkperson · 24/01/2021 17:43

I totally agree @CuriousaboutSamphire. The advice on here for men should be exactly the same.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2021 17:44

Well, if you are paying half the mortgage and bills what has he spent the money on? You say you have saved on rent but so has he, he has had his biggest outgoings halved (ish). He should be able to afford his own kitchen.

Before you buy talk to a solicitor about the options and then decide how to arrange the mortgage/deeds etc.

Just don't let your rose tinted specs blind you to the need for financial pragmatism! And that applies to him too!

Postnasaldrop · 24/01/2021 17:44

Why can’t he put you in the deeds of the house?

bourbonne · 24/01/2021 17:44

@Centaurpede are there particular reasons why marriage is just "a hope" rather than a plan?

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 24/01/2021 17:46

Never spend money on someone else's house, irrespective of the relationship. You could loan it to him with a proper agreement , which states that you get it back when the property sells. Then when you put money into a joint property, please make sure that you own it in shares that reflect the deposit that you put in, and the mortgage payments that you will be making.

CroutonsAvatar · 24/01/2021 17:47

Absolutely save it for a house you have a stake in.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 24/01/2021 17:48

If you're paying half the mortgage and half the utilities, what's he doing with all the money he's saving?

You're already contributing towards his mortgage, please don't be daft enough to contribute to improving his asset as well - it's a really bad idea to spend your money renovating someone else's home.

You could contribute, say, 50k towards the renovations, then he could dump you and you'd stand no chance of getting your money back. His house would be worth a lot more money and you'd be out with no money and no claim on the property.

themummyway · 24/01/2021 17:55

@Centaurpede

OK, everyone has asked if I'm paying rent, yes half of mortgage and outgoings which is less than I would pay to privately rent on my own. And someone asked about percentages of owning new home, I'm not sure about that yet. We have been together 4 years and hope to marry at some point. I want to agree with osirus but most of the advice is overwhelmingly opposite!
Op if you're paying half the mortgage and he f*cks you over, kicks you out etc as some have mentioned on here.. - ruin him in court!

Please keep a paper trail, back up your texts/emails from him. It may help you down the line. Honestly.

Osirus is lucky that it worked out. If it didn't, her husband absolutely could've gone through the courts and staked a claim in her property. Wouldn't have been difficult either seen as he "put a lot" (her words) into her property.

JadeTurqioiseGreen · 24/01/2021 18:03

Do not pay for his house improvements, it’s all legally his, if he died tomorrow, run over by a bus, his family would take everything..

Don’t do it. It’s his house, it’s not a shared house.
He’s had a lovely time, with you paying for his mortgage as it is and half of his bills.

JadeTurqioiseGreen · 24/01/2021 18:06

I paid half of my boyfriends bills on his cheap flat ( years ago) whilst he saved money into savings for him and his pension
I bought all of the food shopping, and whilst I was a vegetarian, he wanted steak every night..

Nightmare.
I did leave with my washing machine though, but that was it.

VinterKvinna · 24/01/2021 18:09

@strangerontheinternet

I moved in to my boyfriends flat for about a year before we bought our house. I didn't pay him rent as I told him I wasn't renting from him if I wanted to rent I would. We halved the bills. We did a few small improvements, fully painted and put in a new built in wardrobe for about £500 which we went halves on. He wanted to do new floor and kitchen and I said no or said if he did I wasn't paying half as I didn't want to stay in a flat and it wouldn't increase the value by the same amount it cost so I'd rather we just freshened up and sold. I wouldn't recommend spending money as you won't get anything out of it.
so you lived rent free?

I always find that a bit weird, as you would have to pay to live somewhere, and he had living costs, so why is it ok for you to live rent free?

BurningRed · 24/01/2021 18:10

I’m with @JadeTurqioiseGreen. 100%.

@Centaurpede exactly why does he think you should be paying for half of the house improvements for a house that isn’t yours? You’re already paying for a house that doesn’t belong to you. Do not give him a cent more.

Please be sensible. Love and money are two separate things and I have heard one too many horror stories over the years...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2021 18:12

I didn't pay him rent as I told him I wasn't renting from him if I wanted to rent I would. That seems weird to me. There is always a compromise to be had between living rent free and not contributing towards someone's mortgage.

It's usually called being an adult and not taking advantage of someone.

blue25 · 24/01/2021 18:13

You’re paying half of his mortgage? Oh dear. You really need to wise up here.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/01/2021 18:15

Wise up, lady. And quick

Succinct but accurate as ever

And you shouldn't really be paying towards the mortgage either, OP, though halving the expenses is fair if your incomes are similar. Why not put that amount in a savings account to give you a bigger deposit/more to spend on the new house?

laudete · 24/01/2021 18:16

If either of you died tomorrow, whatever you put into his house today would not form part of your estate. It would solely go to his beneficiaries. (Likewise, if you broke up tomorrow.) Does that matter to you? Maybe it doesn't. No one likes to plan for the worst-case scenario. It's not heartless to consider it, though - especially under the current global pandemic circumstances.