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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is Dsis?

150 replies

Gonewireless · 24/01/2021 09:12

DF passed recently & his house is empty. I am doing all the probate/IHT paperwork as Dsis says she doesn’t ‘do forms’. Just before the schools were due back in Jan, I sent a text & asked if Ds (Yr11) and I could stay in his house 2 nights a week. I explained that Ds had a meltdown due to lockdown/GCSE uncertainty and particularly the 2 hr journey to school which means he hasn’t much time for HW and he’s exhausted (coped until recently). DF’s house is exactly half way and would half his journey. Hotels not an option as closed.. She didn’t respond. Asked again, still no response.

Ds would need internet for HW if we stayed and Dh said just put it in as takes time to arrange and schools would be back after Xmas. Then lockdown happened but the broadband had been ordered and went live last week. I put the box in and sent Dsis a text with the password so she can use it when she’s there, also for her mobile with wifi calling as no mobile signal. I said that obviously I was paying for the connection myself. She sent a text back and was really annoyed and said I had wasted my money and she doesn’t want Ds and I staying there.

Is she BU or am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gonewireless · 24/01/2021 15:12

Finallyhere I will most definitely be acting on the excellent advice that everyone has been kind enough to give me here. I am going to phone round solicitors firms tomorrow to find out if there is a will. I didn't think to ask the banks if they had one. Surely they would have said something when I told them that he had died? Will probably have to check with them too just in case.

I think the most important thing for me is to do everything just as DF would have wanted it. I don't want any conflict but realise that I do have to be more assertive. I can't face another week like last week.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 24/01/2021 15:16

Hope this week goes better for you OP

There is no point in a solicitor or bank proactively producing a will. It might even get them accused of 'ambulance chasing'.

They can rely on the executors or administrators getting in touch.

PurpleMustang · 24/01/2021 16:31

Sorry for your loss. I also agree that her being odd about checking for a will screams something dodgy. Maybe she found one in the house and has removed it and is hoping you don't find the solicitors used.
If her husband or her harasses you again about information just deal with it like you would at work, take the emotion out of it, 'sure, I can get that to you at the weekend as I am busy at work all week'. Then think of her plan for not communicating back, may need some legal advice for this bit, to stop her dragging her feet. I would be ending message, if legally allowed, if I do not hear back within 7 days I will proceed with EA with x value. Could she be using the postal address of the house far something and not want you to find the post? Anyway good luck

littlemissbakery · 24/01/2021 16:33

Find the will!! Your father has left you that house and she's trying to get her hands on half 🤬

dottiedaisee · 24/01/2021 16:40

@Travis1

OP you NEED to contact solicitors and ask if they hold a will for your father. Your sister sounds like an utter cunt. I’d stop doing all the paperwork and get it done properly via a solicitor now. Your sister is ripping the arse
This 100%...all sounds very suspicious and definitely get solicitor to sort out probate!
Ellie56 · 24/01/2021 16:42

I think your sister has found the will and doesn't like what's in it or rather what's not in it...

Turn the house upside down and look for the will, contact the bank and all local solicitors. As PP suggested contact any of your dad's friends to see if they know who he might have used.

And block the obnoxious twat BIL. It is nothing to do with him.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 24/01/2021 17:07

@Gonewireless

The advice above is excellent and thanks for the ideas about what to say to her.

I know I'm pandering to her but it's just to get things done but actually I realise now that it's not working as she's not responding to questions I ask her anyway.

I also wanted to check that AINBU and that I shouldn't have done what I did wrt the broadband and asking to stay over 2 nights a week.

I want to do things properly, also out of respect to my DF who was loving and kind to both Dsis and I want to be fair and transparent at all times. I would never want to take advantage.

Fair play to you but don't be naive, she does not (by the sound of things) hold herself to the same standard
MzHz · 24/01/2021 18:12

I often find that in situations like these, one person is absolutely resolute on being kind, transparent, fair etc

And the other one is literally the opposite

We are ALL getting a bad vibe from your sister in this, why wouldn’t she answer your questions

Something fishy is going on and I think that she knows she’s not entitled to as much as you’re prepared to give her, but she can’t say anything because it would incriminate her

Hand this over to professionals without hesitation
Mind you can buy her out, do so. Your dad would be happy the house is staying in the family.

MzHz · 24/01/2021 18:12

If, not Mind

Sorry :)

BeaSmithers · 24/01/2021 21:18

@littlemissbakery

Find the will!! Your father has left you that house and she's trying to get her hands on half 🤬
Wow! How on earth did you conclude that?
littlemissbakery · 24/01/2021 22:47

Read all the updates from the OP. She's saying there is no will, practically forbidding the OP from checking with solicitors. It reeks of dishonesty and I had that last year when we struggled to find my Gran's will. My selfish money grabbing aunt withheld information from a solicitor because she wasn't named as executor. Unluckily for her we found a paper copy. Death brings out the absolute worst in people

Robbybobtail · 24/01/2021 22:55

I can’t believe how spiteful she is. Why on earth would she not let you buy her out of the house? It makes no sense - if she doesn’t want it what difference does it make to her?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/01/2021 02:20

I do hope you manage to find a solicitor who is holding the Will, if your father managed to make one.
It would actually make my day for that to happen and for your sister to get her comeuppance, and her arsehole husband too. Grin

Best of luck to you! Thanks

Monty27 · 25/01/2021 02:58

OP she's got you doing the paperwork so if anything crops up unexpectedly she'll tell them you were in charge of it. Or some agenda anyway. Be wary and be squeaky clean. No stone unturned.
I'm sorry about your dad.
Do what he'd want you to do.

KickAssAngel · 25/01/2021 03:04

You can just act like her and not answer texts/calls. You don't have to jump whenever she whistles. Do things how you want at a pace that suits you if she or her DH bully you, just tell them it doesn't work for you right now then switch your phone off for a while.

Seafog · 25/01/2021 03:20

Does he have close local friends that may have witnessed the signing of a will?

BlackCatShadow · 25/01/2021 03:38

It does sound like you are tying yourself up in knots trying to appease her and it isn’t working.

I think it’s a good idea to contact local solicitors and check for a will.

If there isn’t a will, I think you should contact a solicitor and try and sort out what needs to be done to be able to buy her out.

timeisnotaline · 25/01/2021 04:27

Hey dsis, I’m running myself ragged here. You can actively help with our fathers estate or you can help make my life a little easier. Your behaviour says you choose option B as you have no intention of helping with sorting the estate. Great then, ds and I are staying in the house two nights a week.

If you change your mind about your choices prove it by responding to all the questions , I’m just going to go ahead otherwise.

And yes to checking for a will. She sounds awful and doesn’t sound impossible that she’s gotten rid of one!

katy1213 · 25/01/2021 04:34

I might be wrong - but I think you are allowed to charge a reasonable sum to the estate as recompense for being executor. I'd check it out - and do it to spite her.

timeisnotaline · 25/01/2021 06:54

@katy1213

I might be wrong - but I think you are allowed to charge a reasonable sum to the estate as recompense for being executor. I'd check it out - and do it to spite her.
This is certainly true in australia. They recognise it’s a big commitment and you’re allowed to be paid for it. Don’t forget to consult a lawyer on buying her out ASAP, after checking around for a will of course.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2021 11:04

Yes - check with his bank, too.

Banks love to hold onto things like wills, and house deeds for some reason (probably they get a yearly fee.)

almostvalentines · 26/01/2021 17:50

@Gonewireless
Any updates? Did you manage to phone round solicitors yesterday?

BlueSuffragette · 27/01/2021 14:27

Hope you are ok OP. Flowers

Humblebumbleoh · 27/01/2021 23:32

Your sisters a treat.

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