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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is Dsis?

150 replies

Gonewireless · 24/01/2021 09:12

DF passed recently & his house is empty. I am doing all the probate/IHT paperwork as Dsis says she doesn’t ‘do forms’. Just before the schools were due back in Jan, I sent a text & asked if Ds (Yr11) and I could stay in his house 2 nights a week. I explained that Ds had a meltdown due to lockdown/GCSE uncertainty and particularly the 2 hr journey to school which means he hasn’t much time for HW and he’s exhausted (coped until recently). DF’s house is exactly half way and would half his journey. Hotels not an option as closed.. She didn’t respond. Asked again, still no response.

Ds would need internet for HW if we stayed and Dh said just put it in as takes time to arrange and schools would be back after Xmas. Then lockdown happened but the broadband had been ordered and went live last week. I put the box in and sent Dsis a text with the password so she can use it when she’s there, also for her mobile with wifi calling as no mobile signal. I said that obviously I was paying for the connection myself. She sent a text back and was really annoyed and said I had wasted my money and she doesn’t want Ds and I staying there.

Is she BU or am I?

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 24/01/2021 10:34

@Gonewireless

She doesn't want me to contact any local solicitors. She says he could have left everything to an animal charity. He did love animals.
Or, he could have left everything to you and she knows that...

I would think that in case of perceived intestacy and applying for probate you would have a legal duty to have contacted local solicitors.

No idea if you do, but it would seem strange not to.

LouiseTrees · 24/01/2021 10:36

Contact local solicitors.

GabriellaMontez · 24/01/2021 10:36

@LouiseTrees

Contact local solicitors.
This.
katmarie · 24/01/2021 10:39

You don't need her permission to check with local solicitors for a will. As his next of kin, you have as much right to check as she has to say no. Likewise using the house, you don't need her permission, you own it just as much as she does. As for her DH harrassing you about getting it done, I would be firm with him that you will do what you can to a timescale that works for you. And to be frank it's none of his business anyway.

It seems like you're letting your sister call all of the shots on this, when you have just as much right and responsibility when it comes to your fathers estate as she does. She's shirking all the responsibility and trampling all over your rights. Why are you letting her do that?

GabriellaMontez · 24/01/2021 10:39

Phrase any emails to her so shes informed but doesnt have to reply

Eg I'm putting it on with agent A. They recommended a price.

DS and I will be staying.

If you really need a response. Ring her. Have a discussion. Follow it up with a confirmation email.

She sounds hard work.

Sciics · 24/01/2021 10:39

Your sisters actions are suspicious.
Find the will. I bet there is one if he repeatedly said that to you, and she knows it doesn’t benefit her so is trying to scheme her way into an inheritance.

WeeDangerousSpike · 24/01/2021 10:40

What?! She's actually said she doesn't want solicitors contacted in case there is a will?! Fuck that! Phone around on Monday and check!

I'd also be sorely tempted to tell her you are willing to deal with all the paperwork for free, however if she wants you to do that she needs to let you do it. If you need her opinion you'll give her a deadline, if she hasn't responded you'll do what you think is best. If she doesn't like that she's welcome to pay for a solicitor herself.

GabriellaMontez · 24/01/2021 10:41

Agree with @katmarie. Shes not your boss. You dont have to defer to her. You dont have to take calls from her husband.

wowfudge · 24/01/2021 10:44

Your sister sounds unpleasant. I'd contact all the local solicitors. I think there's a will and she's found and taken your dad's copy. She's stalling possibly due to some guilt that she's lying to you?

Catchingfire123 · 24/01/2021 10:45

Part of their response might be anger towards your DF. If they didn’t feel like the favourite or liked it might be more about those emotions. Try not to take it personally even if they are being complete (insert your favourite insult here)

I would just starts adding to all messages, if I don’t hear by from you by x date I will assume you are happy with x choice. And just crack on sorting everything. I would also just stay there with DS if you want, it doesn’t sound like they will be checking.

SadderThanEeyore · 24/01/2021 10:45

OP, you absolutely have to check local solicitors. If a will was found later it would just cause you bigger problems.
Stop pandering to her so much, she doesn't have more rights than you; and block her husband if he can't be nice as it is fuck all to do with him.

Catchingfire123 · 24/01/2021 10:46

Ohhh definitely agree with the update, check up on a will for sure. It was his money, if he wanted to give it all to you or give some to charity that’s his choice not hers!

Original poster
Gonewireless · 24/01/2021 10:46

It's 2 hours by public transport but 1 hr ish by car. Ds badly bullied in Yr7 so changed schools to be with his friend who does the same journey. Loves his school and never complained about journey before. When he had the meltdown, he said he's been falling asleep on the train. I was devastated, not only that he's feeling so awful but that he didn't say anything before. He said he didn't want to worry me and there was nothing I could do anyway as he doesn't want to change schools. I told him we could have looked at moving. DF's house isn't in a particulary nice town but it's safe, he wanted me to have the house, it's half way to school and it could be a smooth and swift transaction if I buy it as chain free.

OP posts:
Travis1 · 24/01/2021 10:51

OP you NEED to contact solicitors and ask if they hold a will for your father. Your sister sounds like an utter cunt. I’d stop doing all the paperwork and get it done properly via a solicitor now. Your sister is ripping the arse

TeenPlusTwenties · 24/01/2021 10:54

I would have thought contacting solicitors would be part of 'due diligence' wouldn't it?

OP. You are your own person. You don't have to do what your sister says the whole time.

FitzsimmonsMarvel · 24/01/2021 10:58

@Gonewireless it’s not up to your sister. You sound downtrodden by her. Stay in the house when you want just let her know as a courtesy. Contact all local solicitors to see if there is a will. Do the probate work when you’ve the time and if her DH kicks up then go to a solicitor for it. Stop pandering to her

Cocomarine · 24/01/2021 10:59

You need to stop being a doormat to your sister!
Why ask her which EA and then get stuck because she doesn’t reply?
You’ve clearly agreed that you’re doing the paperwork here (or you’ve just lumbered yourself with it, rather than agreed) so you don’t ask, you tell.
Polite, formal updates: have had EA quotes from Agent A and Agent B. Both offer same service, both gave sane asking price, B is 0.25% cheaper - I have put it on with B.

You do need to check for a will.

Original poster
Gonewireless · 24/01/2021 11:00

I don't know if there is a will tbh because before he died he said that he wanted me to have the house but he didn't say that he had left me the house. However, he was so ill in the weeks before he died that his memory was very poor. So there could be a will.

She'll go ballistic if she knows that I'm going to check but I will phone around solicitors tomorrow because you are right and if I don't, it could really come back to bite us later if there is a will (I don't know what happens to wills and if solicitors know when clients have died).

The reason I try to get her on board with everything is that whenever she doesn't like something, she is really obstructive. So if I piss her off, she will just slow everything down by not signing paperwork etc.

It probably was hard for her knowing that I was DF's favourite. She never like him though, even when she was young. When he was close to death a couple of weeks before he passed away and the doctors told me to get to the hospital asap, she didn't bother coming. She was disappointed he pulled through and very it was clear she was pleased when he died. She didn't care less and then had the audacity to say that Xmas was hard because it was the first one without DF.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 24/01/2021 11:01

As for your BIL - send him one text: “I am the one dealing with the administration, so will hear from me at any point that there is a question for her or an update”

Then: IGNORE

He’s not your dad, your teacher, your boss. He has no power. He can’t send you to your room or give you a bad appraisal. The only thing he can do is harass you with communications, something which you can address legally.

HollowTalk · 24/01/2021 11:03

@Gonewireless

She doesn't want me to contact any local solicitors. She says he could have left everything to an animal charity. He did love animals.
You'd be crazy not to.
partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 11:05

It’s none of her business, just crack on. For curtesy repeat your original text explaining why. Don’t respond to any further comments from her about this, but keep up other communication.

Is she normally reasonable? If so could be covid craziness - or inheritance also makes people mad. If she is worrying you’ll set up
Home there for 2 years while your son finishes school, be clear you won’t. Beyond that - don’t pander or think about it further.

Original poster
Gonewireless · 24/01/2021 11:05

The advice above is excellent and thanks for the ideas about what to say to her.

I know I'm pandering to her but it's just to get things done but actually I realise now that it's not working as she's not responding to questions I ask her anyway.

I also wanted to check that AINBU and that I shouldn't have done what I did wrt the broadband and asking to stay over 2 nights a week.

I want to do things properly, also out of respect to my DF who was loving and kind to both Dsis and I want to be fair and transparent at all times. I would never want to take advantage.

OP posts:
FitzsimmonsMarvel · 24/01/2021 11:06

@Gonewireless even more reason to try and find out if he had a will as that would be his wishes and you should be following them. Stop pandering to your sister she sounds horrible and good luck

partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 11:08

Ah - just catching up on your posts. So she is an arsehole and is probably worrying you’ll get the house.

Anyway, crack on as above. And yes contact solicitor, see if you can find a will - if not find out what will happen.

You sister is clearly not a person worth bothering with.

MadeForThis · 24/01/2021 11:09

Local solicitors wouldn't have been notified that he had died. You need to call around and check for a will.