What would you do?

[Dementedswan]

Dh and I have been married 17 years, two dc in primary school for a bot of background.

When met dh was 11st at 5'9. I was 8st 2 ish at 5'2. Over the last couple years dh has put on 6 stone of weight, I find this unattractive.

However he thinks there is just more of him to love. At 5'9 and nearly 18st, with type 1 diabetes and other health problems, apparently I'm unreasonably for asking him to lose weight for his health and our physical marriage.

I forgot to mention he only has a shower or bath once a week too.

He’s obviously very overweight, OP. Not unreasonable for you to not feel attracted to him. But it’s his body. If he doesn’t want to make an effort to change it, you have to decide whether him being fat is a dealbreaker.

Diabetes is a serious health concern, he shouldn't just ignore it, that's basically pissing his health away.

Does he drink/smoke? Does he enjoy exercise?

Sounds like depression or some condition that would cause him to shower so infrequently. Does he have ADHD?

No depression, no adhd etc. Hes a fully functional adult who thinks I should just accept the way he is

Well, that puts the ball in your court. Are you going to accept it?

Do you still love him?

It would end up being a deal breaker for me.

The lack of self care does indicate depression but if he refuses to engage in dealing with that I wouldn't hang around tbh

I honestly think - wether you're male or female - piling on 50% of your body weight is gross and expecting your partner to still find you attractive is selfish and deluded.

I'd be saying that it's really bothering you and how would he feel if suddenly you let yourself go like that. I couldn't respect someone who didn't respect themselves (washing once a week, bleurgh)

@Toilenstripes

Sounds like depression or some condition that would cause him to shower so infrequently. Does he have ADHD?

🙄🙄 why must people always diagnose others with MH conditions - why can't some people just be lazy and/or greedy?

He's telling you he doesn't respect you

I agree that the ball is now in your court. You don’t find him attractive, he knows this and is not willing to change for you. What are you going to do?

The weight bit is love him & support him and try to help him be healthy with love and kindness

The showering and washing once a week is eewww & he's either depressed or something is going on. That's super ick and smelly. Abs you have every right to say umm what is going on? Even my soap imaginary allergic DCs will show or wash more often than that.

You need to talk

I cook healthy meals for the family and he will supplement it with it bags of crisps etc. He will walk the dog but spends most of his time sat on chair working online.

He's fat, sick and smelly and sees nothing wrong with that.

Sorry, but I'd be having serious words with him.

Hes honestly fine, has a very self inflated ego. So I don't think mental health comes into it..

My exboyfriend was very overweight. When I suggested to go to the gym together, he threw a tantrum and gave me a long, angry lecture on how my suggestion showed how superficial I am and that I should ask myself what my gym idea said about me as a person.

Needless to say, we're not together anymore. I'm now with a thin/slender man that cares about his health.

I have told him, loose weight, you are not healthy, pointed out him huffing and puffing from slightest activity... told him he needs to wash. He says more of me to love etc. He's currently on his second bag of pork scratchings

It's not just whether you find him attractive though. The extra weight makes him more likely to get serious health problems, including cancer. Maybe he's prepared to accept that risk but you're going to get dragged through hell if he has a heart attack or has cancer. It's not fair on you.

He is an adult free to eat himself to death and smell like a skunk.

You are also an adult free to find it repulsive and have no obligation to stay with someone who chooses food and killing himself with it over his family.

If he doesn't want to change unfortunately you can't make him and he needs to do it fir himself not you or anyone else.

You need to make a decision unfortunately

In that case OP I'd be thinking - and bear in mind he will probably always be this slovenly - if you want to continue being with him.

My brother's wife left him after he put on 5 stone and refused to lose weight, she told me he'd eat 2 packets of hob nobs a night. I didn't blame her in the least (though, to warn you, others did). I also pointed out to him that if she'd put on 5 stone he wouldn't have stuck around either.

These replies definately have me thinking... I was prepared to have my arse handed to me for being superficial .

I'm really not being tho, he's overweight, tired all of the time, does nothing with dc and I, stuffs his face all the time getting bigger yet he cannot understand why I do not find that attractive

Yep, the weight gain would put me off and the not washing would be an absolute deal breaker I am afraid.

Can you afford all this food?

Guess I'm not being unreasonable then...