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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do?

106 replies

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 21:35

Dh and I have been married 17 years, two dc in primary school for a bot of background.

When met dh was 11st at 5'9. I was 8st 2 ish at 5'2. Over the last couple years dh has put on 6 stone of weight, I find this unattractive.

However he thinks there is just more of him to love. At 5'9 and nearly 18st, with type 1 diabetes and other health problems, apparently I'm unreasonably for asking him to lose weight for his health and our physical marriage.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:46

But the OP has spoken to him, at length, shes tried many things, he's not interested in hearing her out. What else is she meant to do?

Redbirds · 23/01/2021 23:48

My comment was to James Middleton poster. I have great sympathy for you OP and experience of what you are going through. You can speak to his diabetic nurse and seek support.

netstaller · 23/01/2021 23:49

Sit down and tell him how you feel OP. I know you've said it before but spell it out. You're finding him more unattractive by the day and he needs to sort himself out or you will split up. You love him but aren't attracted to him and his piggy ways are making you fall out of love. His bath once a week is gross too

AnarchicLemming · 23/01/2021 23:49

His body, his life, his (terrible) choices.

Look after yourself and your kids, set your personal boundaries about his disgusting hygiene, and let him get on with it.

Atalune · 23/01/2021 23:53

I would separate.

Original poster
Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 23:54

He has extensive diabetes support, not on a pump, he controls it very well via injections. He has had diabetes since a baby and is now in his 40s so going down the diabetes and mental health route is rubbish. I've always been fully supportive of his diabetes. We have been together so long, I can tell immediately by looking at him if he needs sugar or of his blood sugar too high....

That as nothing to do with the fact that he thinks I should accept his weight and unhealthily habits. I'm pretty sure if I put on 6 stone and didn't wash he wouldn't find me attractive either.

OP posts:
Redbirds · 23/01/2021 23:58

What reason has his team given for not putting him on a pump OP?

Trisolaris · 23/01/2021 23:59

OP, how is his diabetes control? Having poorly controlled T1 can make you feel exhausted constantly and really hungry all the time. It’s likely that if it was managed better everything else would improve.

If he’s not prepared to work on his control and doesn’t see it as an issue then there is only so much you can do and yanbu to expect better but I can say from experience that the side effects of Diabetes can be really awful and sometimes you don’t actually realise how much a period of bad control is affecting you until you get it back under control which as a T1 can be really hard to do! So there’s a lot more to it than being lazy as some posters are saying.

Original poster
Dementedswan · 24/01/2021 00:00

Because he's been diabetic since a baby and it's very well controlled

OP posts:
Original poster
Dementedswan · 24/01/2021 00:02

He has regular appointments and tests his diabetes is very well controlled. His average blood sugars at between 7 and 10

OP posts:
WhipperSnapperSteve · 24/01/2021 00:04

@Dementedswan which insulin's is he taking?

Original poster
Dementedswan · 24/01/2021 00:04

So cannot blame diabetes here, we've been together a long time... do you really think u don't know his diabetes inside out or his overall health

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 24/01/2021 00:08

OP most of the ‘worst’ diabetics (in terms of not taking it seriously) are the ones who have had it since they were really young.

A few years ago my hba1c was not bad but I was frustrated because my numbers were high than they should be in the morning (but not high enough for anyone to notice anything wrong with me)

I would occasionally hypo in the afternoon and numbers would always drop into normal by that point

Everyone who knew me considered me a well controlled diabetic.

I was always exhausted but I told myself I was just being lazy.

I’m now on a pump so I can have variable basal throughout the day.

I have so much more energy. I’ve lost over 10% of my body weight and I run 5ks.

This is not an unusual story

Trisolaris · 24/01/2021 00:13

Also OP it isn’t about ‘blaming diabetes’. He’s the one responsible for managing his diabetes but the support options mentioned may be more useful than you previously thought. It’s still on him though!

partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 00:13

Well it’s his life... I guess he finds food pleasurable/comforting/relaxing and is in denial re health impact?

The not washing thing is actually a lot more bizarre. Is he trying to repulse you? Or is he just not v interested in sex?

Anyway you can’t do more than suggest things, so if he doesn’t want to sort himself out then you have to decide if you want to stay, or leave, or stay but keep it platonic and find a physical partner elsewhere...

WhipperSnapperSteve · 24/01/2021 00:20

@Dementedswan

So cannot blame diabetes here, we've been together a long time... do you really think u don't know his diabetes inside out or his overall health
I know T1 diabetes inside out. Average blood sugars of 7-10 is towards the higher side and promotes weight gain, should be 6-8. All injectable insulin's promote weight gain, some more than others which is why I'm asking which he's taking - also is he taking a fast-acting and a slow-acting ?
WhipperSnapperSteve · 24/01/2021 00:22

I'm not excusing his disordered eating btw, that will bring its own problems and his insulin ratios likely need to be changed to deal with it. Does he have a diabetic consultant, a diabetic specialist nurse, or does his gp deal with his diabetes?

Rosebel · 24/01/2021 00:24

I think YABU.
Did you just marry him because he was normal weight? Are you exactly the same as when you married?
The washing once a week is bad but I think something is going on to make him act this way. Or maybe he doesn't enjoy being nagged by his wife about his body/told she doesn't fancy him and is reacting to your criticism by comfort eating.
Honesty if body weight is so important leave him and find someone who can promise you to never put on weight.

3JsMa · 24/01/2021 00:26

YANBU for being concerned about his health and diet
YABU for nagging him about it for 'physical marriage' whatever it means.

Icanflyhigh · 24/01/2021 00:35

YANBU
Someone of that size who only bathes or showers once a week unless nagged would be a deal breaker for me.

You say he is aware he stinks too, and that is beyond rank. Where is his dignity or self respect?

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 00:41

@Icanflyhigh
Yeah exactly where is his self respect
Interesting question

Narniacalling · 24/01/2021 00:42

I’m amazed he’s not on a pump.

whattochoosediddlyoose · 24/01/2021 01:05

People feeling sorry for him rather than op who has to live with someone that doesn't bathe. Hmm Brilliant. Only on MN is it ok not to wash and insist on MH issues. No man would put up with this long term.

My ex doesn't shower, sleeps in his clothes. Stinks. Holds down a high paying job, drives expensive cars. Just won't wash. If we were still together I'd still be nagging him to wash and holding my breath around him.

It was and is a deal breaker for me.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 24/01/2021 01:21

I really don't believe all these posters saying YABU would marry a extremely overweight person. I wouldn't

Apileofballyhoo · 24/01/2021 01:56

I thought 7-10 was high. I think your DH's overeating is similar to an addiction, OP. Is separating feasible financially?