Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

What would you do?

106 replies

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 21:35

Dh and I have been married 17 years, two dc in primary school for a bot of background.

When met dh was 11st at 5'9. I was 8st 2 ish at 5'2. Over the last couple years dh has put on 6 stone of weight, I find this unattractive.

However he thinks there is just more of him to love. At 5'9 and nearly 18st, with type 1 diabetes and other health problems, apparently I'm unreasonably for asking him to lose weight for his health and our physical marriage.

OP posts:

Ellie56 · 23/01/2021 23:13

However he thinks there is just more of him to love.

What's lovable about a load of wobbling flab? Bleurgh! And he doesn't wash either? Yuck!

My DH piled the weight on (although nowhere near a 50% increase in bodyweight)which I found singularly unattractive. And although he showered regularly, the slightest bit of exertion made him sweat profusely which I found gross. Dripping sweat all over me in bed was the biggest turn off.

Hints that he should cut down on drinking and portion size were ignored.

He eventually had a heart attack which gave him a rude awakening and made him think about and adjust his lifestyle. He lost over a stone in weight, started walking more and eating and drinking more sensibly.

I suspect your DH will do nothing until similar happens to him. But that doesn't mean you have to live with Mr Blobby and put up with his dirty habits in the meantime. Not washing is disgusting.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:17

So those saying the OP is BU - do we just put up with any old shit once they've got a ring on our finger? Can they be as disrespectful as they please?

And will people please stop trying to diagnose a man they've never met with depression, when the woman he's married to and actually lives with us telling us he's not depressed just a bit of a slob?

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:17

Telling someone you no longer find them attractive because of their looks will never help to change a situation like this for the better. It's cruel and will knock their confidence even more. YABU. He needs help not shaming.

I completely agree.

He is putting on a front because you are hurting his feelings.
If he said he doesn’t find you attractive what would you do?

This approach is obviously not doing anything to help the situation so something else needs to be done.

Him not washing is probably because he is self conscious about his body so he doesn’t want to to want to have sex and see him like that.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:18

I would also say the same to a poster of the weight gainer was female

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:19

So those saying the OP is BU - do we just put up with any old shit once they've got a ring on our finger? Can they be as disrespectful as they please?

No but just because there’s a ring on your finger doesn’t mean you can’t leave.

I’m surprised her DH hasn’t left her already, I would if someone spoke so disrespectfully to me.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:25

@toocold54 how is it disrespectful to tell someone who's put on six stone that they need to lose weight? Why are we terrified of saying that to people? This isn't any old bloke off the street this is the man she's sharing her life with.

emilyfrost · 23/01/2021 23:27

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I honestly think - wether you're male or female - piling on 50% of your body weight is gross and expecting your partner to still find you attractive is selfish and deluded.

I'd be saying that it's really bothering you and how would he feel if suddenly you let yourself go like that. I couldn't respect someone who didn't respect themselves (washing once a week, bleurgh)

Agreed. You simply can’t put on that much weight and expect your partner to still find you attractive.

indemMUND · 23/01/2021 23:28

He has no excuse not to wash properly once a day. I had an ex who didn't wash regularly. I provided clean towels, a brand new toothbrush. Wouldn't take the hint. Having to wash the cushion covers on the sofa to get rid of the smell was the low that tipped me over to getting rid. I'd already refused sex for weeks because I didn't want to risk a UTI. He has no respect for himself, he has no respect for you. Leg it in the opposite direction. You can't live this this.

indemMUND · 23/01/2021 23:28

*like

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 23:31

There’s a massive difference between being a slob
And being type 1 diabetic and gaining 50% of your body weight. You have had it drummed into you for your ENTIRE LIFE, what will kill you. What will end your life. What will end up up in A&E

So choosing to gain 50% of weight as a type 1 diabetic is totally different from a normal person
It’s without a doubt disordered eating.

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:34

how is it disrespectful to tell someone who's put on six stone that they need to lose weight?

Saying someone needs to lose weight for their health is not disrespectful.
Carrying on saying how they are unattractive and a turn off is disrespectful.

If a female came on here saying she’s lost weight and now her partner is saying she’s unattractive and a turn off, people would be telling her to LTB.

No one puts on 6 stone for a laugh and so he obviously doesn’t like himself enough right now to make any changes and OP telling him to lose weight isn’t helping so she needs to either leave or encourage him in another way.

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 23:34

It’s as if people have just ignored the diabetic thing totally on here. He knows it’s going to kill him very quickly - even if he’s denying it

Disneyforever1974 · 23/01/2021 23:35

Toocold54 he does want to have sex the OP has he does and has quoted that he’s said if he has a bath can they have sex.

Redbirds · 23/01/2021 23:35

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

So those saying the OP is BU - do we just put up with any old shit once they've got a ring on our finger? Can they be as disrespectful as they please?

And will people please stop trying to diagnose a man they've never met with depression, when the woman he's married to and actually lives with us telling us he's not depressed just a bit of a slob?

I don’t think you are medically trained to make these comments as another poster has said type 1 diabetics are prone to mental heath issues. I feel very sorry for this man ( and his wife) and would suggest OP seeks help from his diabetic team.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:37

Carrying on saying how they are unattractive and a turn off is disrespectful.

Why is that disrespectful?

If someone is knowingly and purposefully making themselves unattractive to their partner why is it not ok to point out they're not happy about it?

Disneyforever1974 · 23/01/2021 23:37

Redbirds just because another poster said that diabetes can cause mental health issues doesn’t mean it’s true

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:38

@Redbirds I don't think ANYONE on here is as qualified as his actual wife to say if he's secretly depressed.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 23:39

People with diabetes have a higher risk of almost everything. It doesn't mean he definitely has MH issues.

Let's hope he doesn't get COVID as he's very high risk with his comorbidities

Atalune · 23/01/2021 23:40

The weight gain and ergo size I could live with.

The lack of self care which means he’s smelly and unwell I could not. I could not be with someone who didn’t love me or themselves to live a healthy life.

You can be big/small whatever but still live a healthy life. I could not be with someone who cared so little. I would have nothing in common with them.

WhipperSnapperSteve · 23/01/2021 23:41

Insulin is notorious for weight gain. Is his T1 diabetes well controlled? Which insulin(s) is he taking? Injections or pump?

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 23:41

Of course having fucking type 1 diabetes can increase your chances of having mental health struggles!
My sister has it. And works In a charity helping people.
Having issues with food is a huge part of it.

I mean a man who has diabetes, doesn’t wash and has put on 6 stone could of course be totally chill and happy. And obviously my extensive experience could be totally wrong.

But actually only the ops husband knows, not even the op.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 23:43

I've tried everything. I'm not overweight.. I'm 5ft 2 and weigh just over 8st. I've tried nicely nice approach, suggested baths together etc, Cooke low fat healthy meals suitable for his diabetes. And still he eats everything in sight, thinks I'm unreasonable tobot find the weight gain and additional health issues attractive... then add in nagging him to wash... his record is 3 weeks by the way

OP posts:

Redbirds · 23/01/2021 23:44

Do you really think it’s appropriate to speak to someone who statistically is very likely to be suffering from anxiety and depression like this?
A more empathetic approach and support from his diabetic team would be a better approach.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 23:45

And no, I can categorically say there are no mental health issues, he is loving working from home, has lots of time out, no salary loss etc

OP posts:

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 23:46

If I were you I would contact the charity below and ask for help and advice as a family.

www.diabetes.co.uk/diabetes-charity/diabetes-uk.html

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread