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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do?

106 replies

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 21:35

Dh and I have been married 17 years, two dc in primary school for a bot of background.

When met dh was 11st at 5'9. I was 8st 2 ish at 5'2. Over the last couple years dh has put on 6 stone of weight, I find this unattractive.

However he thinks there is just more of him to love. At 5'9 and nearly 18st, with type 1 diabetes and other health problems, apparently I'm unreasonably for asking him to lose weight for his health and our physical marriage.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2021 22:21

Do you mean type 2 diabetes which is linked to diet? If he doesn’t want to change for himself then he basically never will

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 22:22

No he's been type 1 since 1 year old... he's in his 40s now

OP posts:

heatered · 23/01/2021 22:28

In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.....did you say anything like that when you got married?

I think there is something serious going on with your DH. He must be very unhappy deep down to treat his body like this. He's ill, you should be supporting and helping him out of this situation he's gotten into. He must of lost respect for himself. Help him find it again. Love him for who he is, the man you married is still in there. He needs you.

heatered · 23/01/2021 22:31

@Dementedswan

Hes honestly fine, has a very self inflated ego. So I don't think mental health comes into it..

I can't help thinking this is just an act to try and cover up the pain he's feeling.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 22:37

So what would you suggest?

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/01/2021 22:39

I think some people would do well to remember that not everyone who has a problem is depressed. He actually just could be lazy.

Also wedding vows are "in sickness and in health" not "in when he point blank refused to respect himself or his wife".

RandomMess · 23/01/2021 22:41

I would tell him it's over because of his lack of self care (which is diet and cleanliness). If that doesn't give him the epiphany that he needs to address his "issues" the carry through with it.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 22:41

Exactly, he is perfectly happy, working from home amd loving it. He just sees no reason why I should bot find his weight gain and slovenly waya attractive.

OP posts:

AnarchicLemming · 23/01/2021 22:44

He's a food addict in denial. I don't know anyone who still eats pork scratchings.

Prime candidate for heart attack. Will he also expect you to pick up the pieces of your family when that happens? Very very selfish of him and an abysmal example to set for your children. Maybe they'd like to play sport with their dad instead of watching him stuff his face all day. Kids tend to normalise and even copy what their parents do. If they think it's ok to eat crap all day, they might do the same when they're older.

WwID? Kick him out of the bedroom for starters. Show him this thread and shame his lazy arse into action.

londongirl12 · 23/01/2021 22:44

Have you bluntly said you don't find him attractive?

Therealjudgejudy · 23/01/2021 22:45

Oh my goodness op, uanbu. He sounds like he has zero respect for your feelings. I honestly couldn't be with someone who refused to wash and cared so little about their health.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 22:47

I've told him I don't find how he goes on attractive, I cook low fat meals for us all, I've suggested exercise and I've told him point blank his bo is rank.. he doesn't care. He says I should fancy him bo matter what...

OP posts:

Karmagoat · 23/01/2021 22:49

I know for a fact me and DH have put on weight over the years, but 6 stone is pretty extreme OP and I dont blame you for finding him unattractive, that combined with his lack of hygiene would be a total deal breaker for me.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 22:53

He asks me.... if he has a bath cam he have a cuddle... so me he is fully away he reeks

OP posts:

heatered · 23/01/2021 22:53

I think these replies are unfair. If this was a husband talking about his wife being fat, lazy and unattractive you would all be after his blood.

There is more to this situation, you need to talk to him, break down the barriers, it will take time and patience. Be with him not against him. You must care about him to still be worried about his health.

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 22:56

I mean I don’t know anyone who doesn’t wash regularly who doesn’t have a mental health problem.
But you don’t sound massively empathetic and you seem convinced that he’s aok.

I presume he has a job and manages other daily tasks

Ilovenewyear · 23/01/2021 23:04

The weight gain i could live with, the not washing however is not ok.

Original poster

Dementedswan · 23/01/2021 23:04

He has a job, he works , he has interaction with others online etc. He has not out on 6st in the last 10 months so can't blame covid. His esteem may be low.. as I have told him honestly the weight gain and eating habits turn me off... he says that's my problem there's just more of him to love

OP posts:

AnarchicLemming · 23/01/2021 23:05

@heatered nope, I'd say the same to a female poster.

He's an adult. Why does the OP need to take responsibility for his health by?

OP is being massively reasonable and her H is not only doing nothing to change, he's making her feel bad for being concerned. Awful.

Oreservoir · 23/01/2021 23:06

I’d be most worried about his diabetes being controlled properly.
Has he had a gp check up lately?
The problem is you can’t make someone lose weight.
In your situation I would be putting myself first, even if it meant separate beds, after all he’s putting himself first.
He’s a lazy, greedy slob to be blunt.

Nunoftheother · 23/01/2021 23:06

Christ, another man who won't wash?? What is it with all these dirty bastards at the moment?

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 23:07

Fuck me.
If it were the other way round would people on her call a woman
A lazy greedy slob.

Anyway op. Just leave him. Poor fucking cunt

Narniacalling · 23/01/2021 23:08

People with type 1 diabetes are at a heightened risk for mental health issues, including diabetes distress, depression, anxiety, and disordered eating.

toocold54 · 23/01/2021 23:12

I have told him, loose weight, you are not healthy, pointed out him huffing and puffing from slightest activity... told him he needs to wash. He says more of me to love etc. He's currently on his second bag of pork scratchings hmm

He obviously needs to lose weight but you need to be very careful how to approach it as he seems to be acting like a lot of us would when they don’t want to admit the truth by putting on a front.

No one is happy being that overweight and being unhealthy struggling to breathe.
How often do you say things to him OP? Could you try not saying anything for a while?

Are you overweight yourself maybe you could go on a WeightLoss journey yourself without asking him if do it and he might want to join you as you are not ‘pressuring’ him.

heatered · 23/01/2021 23:12

Telling someone you no longer find them attractive because of their looks will never help to change a situation like this for the better. It's cruel and will knock their confidence even more. YABU. He needs help not shaming.

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