About friends buying goods during covid?

[MozzchopsThirty]

I've had covid for over a week now, been in with 3 dcs, 2 of whom have also tested positive

A few friends have said 'if you need anything just let me know' and I've asked for a few bits.

My friend bought me £6 worth of stuff and said 'the receipt is in the bag can you put it in my account'
My other friend called over last night and I asked if she could bring some crisps & popcorn and she also said it was about £4 the receipt is in the bag

I'm just wondering AIBU to think that dropping £4-£6 worth of shopping off I wouldn't ask for that back off a friend (and I'm not well off, single parent nhs worker)
If it was a £20 shop upwards that would be different

Maybe I'm wrong, AIBU?

If you do it for lots of people like I do you do end up just being quite upfront others you end up out of pocket or forget. I’m often picking bits up for my mum and sometimes I do say don’t worry but it adds up and so she insists. If you say to someone once don’t worry then you take something round again you’ve set that precedent. Before you know it you’re keeping them in a free snack delivery service. People in my position probably feel the same that you set a precedent of claiming back and you both know where you are. Your friend freebie is having it delivered. You should be giving over to them and saying keep the change!

What? You want them to do you a favour and them to pay for the privilege. YABVVVVU and I'm glad you're not my friend asking me to do shopping and bitching about me wanting paid for the money I spend on you

Of course you should pay for it!

@MozzchopsThirty

'Of course you should pay'

That's not the point of the thread, I absolutely would offer and pay (which I have done)

My point is I wouldn't ask for £4 from a friend, for anything, a drink, a taxi, popcorn
That's what being a friend is about but obvs I'm in the minority

Two points to consider:

1. The pandemic has fucked over many people's finances. You don't know if your friends can afford to sub you, even for such relatively small sum. Even if they've never mentioned being skint, many people are too embarrassed to let others know.

1. Being given stuff makes some (most?) people feel under obligation to the giver and it can spark resentment /embarrassment. Your friends don't want to you to feel that, because (a) it could affect your friendship in the long-term, and (b) you might be reluctant to ask for anything else (placing yourself under more 'obligation') and they want you to feel able to ask whenever you need to.

I'd say they're being good friends to you.

Yabvu

We had to isolate. Awaiting dh result which was neg.
However my df dropped some bread and strawberries. I had the money waiting in An envelope.
My father then grabbed some baby wipes in aldi so 2.85 ish? I bank transferred it.

Thing is as a once no I probably wouldn’t ask but it’s likely you will be isolating for at least another week if not longer and £4-6 a couple of times a week over the course of a few weeks will add up. You shouldn’t expect anyone to pay for you food shopping.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. Of course you shouldn’t expect it to be free which you haven’t. But I’m probably the same as you, if it was only a few quid, I’d probably say “oh don’t worry about it” as long as I felt it would be reciprocated or would buy me a coffee or something next time we meet. A few pounds here or there is nothing, it’s the reciprocation that matters.

My support bubble friend and I add things for each other to our respective online shops and don't pay each other back because it evens out. I think the OP's thinking in this context is a bit strange though.

People have very different standards of generosity, but the default should be and is that if it is a necessity and/or you requested it, you pay.

I imagine you are a very generous person and genuinely wouldn't think of asking others to pay you back, but that doesn't make it the norm and you shouldn't expect it from anybody else. I have a friend and a sibling like this, who never keep track of who owes who what, always the first to buy the next round/buy a special gift just because they saw it/spend lots on presents just because they want to show they care. But that doesn't mean you can expect this from everyone.

I wouldn't expect a friend to ask for money directly, but when I would text them to say thanks I would make arrangements to pay them. If it was less than £5 I'd probably expect them to say forget it, as I would if the tables were turned.

Also friend asking is she COULd bring over some popcorn and treats sounds to me like she is offering to treat you while you’re having a bad couple of weeks. That’s an assumption though and I would offer to give the money rather than assume.

I wouldn’t have even thought to send someone to the shop for crisps and popcorn, hardly essential. You can order things like that with an online food shop and Amazon sells stuff like that too.

It depends on the friend asking for the favour as to whether I would put the receipt in for payment. If they were always on the take or hoping for free stuff I would, if they don’t ask for small amounts back themselves I wouldn’t.

I would never ask for anything less than £10 back when out and about with friends. Say we’d been out to the cinema/to eat/for drinks (back before covid) I’d just throw a ‘you can get the next thing’ and move on.

However, it’s totally different when someone knows you’re stuck in the house and they offer to go and essentially run errands for you.
A- You have no idea how covid is effecting their finances maybe they’re struggling and don’t want to tell you because as a ‘struggling single parent NHS worker’ they perceive you as having enough on your plate.
B- They’re going out of their way specifically for you. The ‘oh don’t worry it’s just what friends do’ is their time, effort and petrol.
C- They’ve made an open ended offer and you could ask them to go shopping for you 5 more times for all they know, that would massively add up!

It depends on the situation as to whether I would expect money.

If I offer to go to the shops, and I have done this many times for people before and during this pandemic, then I'm not really expecting them to ask me to go and get only treats.
I'd feel a little bit taken advantage of, and wonder what they're going to ask me to get next.
If they said "I need a couple loaves of bread, but it'd be really lovely if you could get me some popcorn because the dc would like a movie night" is different to just "can you get popcorn."

I'm avoiding going to the shops myself if it's not essential, so I wouldn't be keen on going for someone else in that situation.

Whether I ask for money depends on the situation. Whether I need that £4 back. Whether the person will ask for more. Whether the person does the same for me-I've a couple of people we often pick up stuff and generally we don't ask for repayment as it approximately evens out.

I suspect because you were asking for treats you got put into the category of "what will they ask for next?"
If you're happy to ask for popcorn for the children's movie night, I would wonder whether I'll get a request for a bottle of wine tomorrow, chocolate for the children the day after and a box of cakes on Monday... It gives me the impression that you might be going to ask for loads of things.
You might say "don't worry about the cash" when you know it's going to be a one off, but when there's a potential steady stream, then you often want to make sure you know where you stand.

They don't ask for the £4 for the popcorn today, and the cocoa pops (£2) tomorrow and then the milk and bread (£3 between them) suddenly seems like it's adding up. Then when you ask, the person tells all their friends that they only asked for bread and milk because they were desperate and they couldn't believe that you made a friend pay £3 when they were feeling so ill...

So I'd suspect that either they need the money back, or they feel that they could be on the thin end of the wedge if they don't.

But you’re not embarrassed to take £4.40, OP? Just embarassing for your friends to ask? What about they do you another favour tomorrow. Should it also be at their expense? Would you start paying once it starts totalling £20

Personally I wouldn't ask for the cash back but I'm well off. In the past £6 would be a significant chunk of my spare cash and yes I would want it back (unless the friend genuinely couldn't afford it). If someone was kind enough to pick up stuff for me (especially non essentials likes crisps and popcorn) of course I'd insist on paying them back. There'll be lots of people with covid isolating and it always tends to be the same, kind people who offer to help. £4 here and £6 there adds up.

You cheeky bugger

I've not RTFT but I can't believe you're asking people to come to your house for things you don't really need. If they're already bringing bread, milk etc then asking for popcorn is fine as they were coming anyway. You should be minimising contact with others.

These people have already gone to the supermarket AND delivered your shopping for free, and you want them to stump up and pay for the food as well!

How does that not make you a cheeky fucker?

You want food, pay for it yourself!

I'm with you, OP. I would have definitely dropped the bits off to you willingly, & said it's on me.
Least I could do to help a friend. I would have brought a little bunch of flowers too.
Hope you feel better soon.

I wouldn’t ask for it back, but I can afford to do that.

Some people are really struggling right now,
Some people work extremely hard for their money and dont have much to spare.

If someone did a favour like that for me I would give them the money in advance or at least offer to pay for it.

RaininSummer

People can be embarrassed to ask for money back but you should most definitely pay them back. That way there is no ill feeling and people won't mind doing it again.

And there will be no need to start a thread on MN in AIBU whether my friend is CF or not.

If it was a gift, then no. But I can't speak for their finances. Personally I bought a weeks worth of shopping for someone and they offered to pay. I am low income so was grateful for this and actually I didn't expect that they wouldn't pay either!

If a friend of mine was home sick with covid or anything else then I'd gladly drop off anything to make them feel better, including popcorn. I wouldn't ask for or expect the money back. They might offer and I'd refuse. If it was a full shop then yes but not a few quid. Maybe your friends really can't spare £4, it's just not what I would do.

I lost what I thought was a good friend over money. We were out for dinner one night and when she arrived she said she had left her purse in the car (her DH had dropped her in). She asked did I mind paying and she would drop the money into me the following day (she lives 10 minutes drive away and this was pre-Covid). Dinner & drinks came to just over £80. I was perfectly happy with this, she was not a CF at all and this was the first time anything like this had ever happened.

No sign of her next day, nor for another week. I thought about just letting it go but partly didn't because £40 is not an insignificant amount of money and also I reckoned she would remember at some point and feel embarrassed and tell me I should have reminded her. So, after a week I texted and mentioned "you had said you'd drop that £40 in...". I was in work at the time and she texted back to say she had literally driven by that morning and dropped it in (which she had - it was there when I got home).

From that day she started ignoring my texts and emails. I tried phoning but the call was cut off. After months she very briefly and curtly responded to another text. It was clear she wanted nothing more to do with me so I left it.

I honestly wish I hadn't asked for the money. I clearly caused great offence but also I'm annoyed that she didn't do me the courtesy of talking to me about it rather than just ending a 5 year friendship over one incident.

Money and how people view it can cause issues!