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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate friend or AIBU

142 replies

Whammyyammy · 20/01/2021 22:18

Long story short. I'm going through HRT and gone completely off sex. Loyal, loving understanding, but highly sexed husband.

My good friend of 20+ years, is single & divorced and not interested in a relationship, she knows my current situation.

Out of the blue(i know she's been drinking) she has texted and suggested that she could kill two birds with one stone and 'satisfy' my husband and her own needs, if you know what I mean.

I've not replied, and he wouldn't dream of it regardless of my opinion.
Aibu to take a huge offence, or is she being realistic? How do u move on from this

OP posts:
BeaSmithers · 21/01/2021 07:37

Time to end that friendship I'm afraid. If it was a bloke who'd made those comments you'd be in uproar. Your friend is a dick.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 21/01/2021 07:39

@MaMaD1990

I imagine she'll be feeling really silly and embarrassed when she wakes up today. I think your non-response speaks volumes and she'll know that she's stepped out of line. Perhaps when you message or talk to her you could say something like "your message really surprised me last night and I didn't know what to say. Ate you OK because you don't seem like yourself of late?". I'm not sure being confrontational is the best way to deal with this as she's just made a stupid remark. Obviously if it continues or escalates you'd need to take it more seriously.
This.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with her. It might have been a drunken joke. The fact that it is so out of character suggests that she's either joking or in a very bad way. Does she live alone? If she's drinking heavily and struggling to cope with lockdown then she may need support.

DippingToes · 21/01/2021 07:57

@jacks11

Unless this was a joke- which would be in very poor taste- then it’s just weird. Sometimes jokes sound funnier in your head/when said than when written down in a text. If she had been drinking maybe she thought it sounded and did not think through how it would come across (crass, insensitive and downright odd). Not sure you can get past it. Perhaps if you were very sure it was a joke gone wrong, but otherwise no.
Absolutely.
DippingToes · 21/01/2021 07:58

@BeaSmithers

Time to end that friendship I'm afraid. If it was a bloke who'd made those comments you'd be in uproar. Your friend is a dick.
Yes. Turn this around and the replies would be very different indeed.
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/01/2021 07:58

If so out of character....

Is there anyone she lives with, that thinks "this is fun, an unlocked phone and sent the text?

Icanseegreenshoots · 21/01/2021 08:08

Definitely this has to be the end of the friendship, you won't be able to trust her again, she is not a good friend or any friend. This is all on her.

I would block and delete her details, you don't have to explain why it is obvious.

Bourbonbiccy · 21/01/2021 08:08

She's a friend of 20years who sent a stupid drunken text. Obviously you don't block her or loose the friendship.

I would ring her if she hasn't contacted you this morning. Just checking she is ok, surely it's a misjudged joke and if not it's a stupid drunken mistake.

gannett · 21/01/2021 08:12

Can't believe the number of posters who'd end a 20-year friendship over a stupid drunk text from a lonely friend in a time when we are all at breaking point mentally.

I would make light of it in response - "Ha, I don't think so! No texting when drunk!" - to ease her embarrassment. And then I would call her and ask if she's OK, and if she's lonely I'd be there for her.

Everyone saying they'd hit the roof and block her - YOU are worse friends than she is.

goldielockdown2 · 21/01/2021 08:18

If she's lonely, why would her first thought to be to text, then actually text, her friend asking to fuck her husband? Is that what lonely people do now?
Boundaries are good. If you accept shit, then that's what you'll keep receiving.

User478 · 21/01/2021 08:20

"If only it worked like that! Anyway you can do so much better than DH! Get yourself something from Lovehoney in the meantime! Hope you're ok, would be great to have a proper catch up, fancy a zoom on Saturday?"

Tell your DH about it, she's lonely not trying to steal your man!

Dontjudgeme101 · 21/01/2021 08:21

@goldielockdown2

If she's lonely, why would her first thought to be to text, then actually text, her friend asking to fuck her husband? Is that what lonely people do now? Boundaries are good. If you accept shit, then that's what you'll keep receiving.
Exactly my thought too!
MaryLoopyLoo · 21/01/2021 08:24

Oh my.

Kinda need to know if she has texted this morning !

livefornaps · 21/01/2021 08:42

@User478 "fancy a zoom on saturday?"

For some reason this has me cracking up!!!!

We have got to know if she texted back

grapewine · 21/01/2021 08:48

@goldielockdown2

If she's lonely, why would her first thought to be to text, then actually text, her friend asking to fuck her husband? Is that what lonely people do now? Boundaries are good. If you accept shit, then that's what you'll keep receiving.
I agree. Why was this a thought she acted on? Like I said yesterday, much would depend on whether she apologised. Just because you've been friends for decades, it doesn't mean you should be OK with this.
Treemama · 21/01/2021 09:00

She's got a thing for your husband for sure. I wouldn't trust her the same way. So many posts here in mumsnet about partners cheating with OP's best friends.

Redwinestillfine · 21/01/2021 09:16

I think the friendship is on dodgy ground. It was massively disrespectful of her to text what she did. I would lead with that. Make it clear your DH is off limits, and that he is motified. How she rows back from this is up to her but it better involve a grovelling apology and flowers at the very least. Personally I wouldn't trust her around your DH anymore. She's pretty much screwed the friendship, 29 years or not.

Kittykat93 · 21/01/2021 10:10

I've said some really bonkers things when I'm drunk..especially over text !but that message is just..unbelievable!

Holly60 · 21/01/2021 11:56

That’s awful. And the end of you confiding in her. Sorry you’ve lost a confidant, but at least you’ve been given a heads-up

LagneyandCasey · 21/01/2021 11:57

Have you heard from her, op? If she hasn't been in contact saying how absolutely mortified she is I would be worried about the friendship.

thenewduchessofhastings · 21/01/2021 14:03

I imagine the past 10 months have been very lonely for your friend.

I'm pretty sure when sober your friend was pretty mortified by that drunken text;it wouldn't be amiss to the type of joke my DH and his mates would make eg "ah me and the missus are having a dry spell" - "well send her my way I'll break that spell for you mate".

Seriously you've said it's not worth ruining your friendship over;laughs it off and keep checking your friend is okay.

MaelyssQ · 21/01/2021 14:06

I would text back a row of crying with laughter emojis and forget about it. Anything more than that shows you are taking her suggestion seriously and see her as a threat to your marriage.

Maybe talk to your GP about trying a different kind of HRT, one that might boost your libido.

Cookies2523 · 21/01/2021 14:19

She's not a friend.

soggyandwet · 21/01/2021 14:29

Text and back and said you've heard it didn't go well with the last msn she tried this with and that you have somebody better in mind but thank you anyway. Then block her number.

Belladonna123 · 21/01/2021 14:31

@Bailegangaire

Text back and thank her for cheering you up, and say you and your DH haven’t had such a good laugh since the start of the first lockdown?

Then suggests she locks her phone away when drinking.

Absolutely this OP
Floomobal · 21/01/2021 14:46

Jesus. So if you’re lonely, it’s totally reasonable to text your friend and ask to fuck their husband?

I wouldn’t give a shit how long we’d been friends, I’d be telling her that it was really fucking inappropriate.

I don’t think I’d view her in the same way ever again, and the friendship would probably die out, especially during Covid and social distancing

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