My Partner Wastes Money

[NCformoney]

We are on benefits, receiving disability ESA and both receiving PIP, and carers. Everything is 50/50 and into a joint account.

We are comfortable and could afford to put aside some money each month, but every week/fortnight/month we are paid my partner will see fit to jump onto Amazon, Ebay and order things we don't need, or overspend on supermarket websites.

I'm fed up of it, I've tried having conversations about it but it just turns into an argument as they don't see the harm.

I've set up a separate bank account, to which they have no access. I'm really considering squirrelling away some funds into this account every time we're paid.

Any advice? I know I'm like BU to even consider this but I'm at my wits end.

I'm the man in the relationship, not that it should make any difference whatsoever.

FWIW, I'll be ignoring any benefits bashing in the thread.

Separate main accounts, both put the same amount into the joint account for bills.

You’re a saver she’s a spender. Neither is right or wrong but you need to respect each other.

Just agree how much she gets to spend and how much you want to save.

This would drive me nuts...im a saver and this is why i'd never share finances with a man again.

She won't agree to separate accounts, nor to a spend/save amount. It's all up-for-grabs as far as she's concerned.

Both spend and save your own money.

Agree with splitting 'fun' money. One main account that all the direct debits come out of, make sure there is enough paid in to this monthly to cover the DDs plus groceries and subscriptions. What's left over is then split into your personal accounts so it's then up to you whether it's squirreled away or pissed up the wall on luxuries.

Out of interest what would her plan be if a major unanticipated expense cropped up?

Is the issue that they don’t have anything they see anything worth saving for, and you do? If you’re not getting anywhere by discussing it and agreeing a budget, can you each set up your own accounts and then each set up a direct debit to your joint account to go in immediately after you’re paid? Bills/utilities can be paid out of the joint account and each person then takes responsibility for their own spending money/food shops. You can save if that’s your priority, and they can spend.

Cross post. She doesn’t have to agree- it’s your money isn’t it?

Well those are your options. If you can't stand up for yourself then she will continue to overspend.

Why don't you have your benefits paid into your own account and then you put into a joint account for bills? That's what we do.

All household DD come out of joint account & we buy food & petrol etc out of joint account.

I don't think it's fair if she's buying stuff you don't need out of your money. All the extra stuff round the house would drive me mad.

Tbh any extra money should be put aside to improve your quality of life - I thought PIP was for things like cleaner/carer/gardener/car repayments? So to help overcome disability. Not bashing here. Just wondering if she's spending money on stuff you don't need rather than support for you both.

Can you set up a joint regular saver/rainy day fund that goes out first when payments come in, then as pp said calculate a spending budget. Maybe sit down together and go through the bank statement/receipts and look at where the money is going. It’s maybe easier to control spending if you have a savings goal eg for a holiday.

The other thing I would say, is, if you have kids and your wife is responsible for shopping for them... new shoes, PE kit items, things like stationary and batteries, days out and birthday presents do add up... plus things she needs such as underwear or toiletries... is it genuinely rubbish she buys or is it just things that aren’t on your radar to buy?

She won't agree to separate accounts, nor to a spend/save amount. It's all up-for-grabs as far as she's concerned

She doesn't have to agree, if you want to seperate your accounts from her you can just do so.

Do you have a proper budget? After all of your essentials are paid and you’ve put some into savings the remainder should be split so you can have some financial independence.

I am a spender and my DH is a saver but the above works for us and I can buy my stuff without any issues.

@NCformoney

She won't agree to separate accounts, nor to a spend/save amount. It's all up-for-grabs as far as she's concerned.

Fuck that then.

Cross posted - she won't agree to it because she's keen to have access to your cash!?

@Sarahandduck18

You’re a saver she’s a spender. Neither is right or wrong but you need to respect each other.

How does the spender respect the saver? It's a one sided thing surely. Does she expect you to spend your savings if she runs out?

It’s not her decision what you do with your half.

Have equal fun money. She can waste hers and you can save yours.

I think I'm going to start having my PIP and Carers diverted into my separate account - the ESA is more difficult as it's a combined payment and meant for groceries/bills etc.

What would happen if you were to take similar amounts of money out of the account each time money comes in, before she has had a chance to spend anything? Would she complain and say she was expecting to be able to use the money to buy whatever she wanted or is she looking at the money in there and using what’s there, because she sees it as being available?

I think the two need treating in different ways but I think that taking money out and putting in a savings account if she is taking money out and spending it would be a good thing to do - even if you need to get to the money as soon as it gets to your account. Even if you end up using it for big bills or a holiday or a one off bigger treat for you, it will give you comfort to have it there.

I also think you might need to make a couple of large-ish ‘unnecessary’ purchases of your own that she isn’t expecting so that she experiences how frustrating it is when somebody buys something that she deems unnecessary, which stops her from buying whatever she wants (that you feel is not needed). Why does she get to choose to spend and you don’t?

Obviously if you don’t actually want the thing, you need to try to buy it somewhere like Marks and Spencer’s so you can take it back and reclaim the money - hopefully somewhere that you can get cash back for it rather than it going back into your joint account! Then you’ll have made your point and started off your saving too.

Could you give examples of the things she buys? My friends husband accuses her of wasting money but more often than not it’s actually things that are needed for the house or the kids.

The mobility part of my PIP is used on a Motability car whereas she receives both Care/Mobility components in cash, so a significantly higher cash amount, yet benefits from my car! (Which I don't mind, obviously).

We’ve never pooled finances in 16 years and we’re no less a couple for it.

Be careful you don’t save too much as it could impact your entitlement to some benefits