My Partner Wastes Money

[NCformoney]

We are on benefits, receiving disability ESA and both receiving PIP, and carers. Everything is 50/50 and into a joint account.

We are comfortable and could afford to put aside some money each month, but every week/fortnight/month we are paid my partner will see fit to jump onto Amazon, Ebay and order things we don't need, or overspend on supermarket websites.

I'm fed up of it, I've tried having conversations about it but it just turns into an argument as they don't see the harm.

I've set up a separate bank account, to which they have no access. I'm really considering squirrelling away some funds into this account every time we're paid.

Any advice? I know I'm like BU to even consider this but I'm at my wits end.

I'm the man in the relationship, not that it should make any difference whatsoever.

FWIW, I'll be ignoring any benefits bashing in the thread.

@NCformoney

She's buying kitchen appliances that never get used, masses of clothes and jewellery that never get worn, food that never gets eaten and useless shit, piles of it.

She receives PIP. Could you please tell us what her condition is?

I ask because is it possible she is depressed or needs any medication changing?

Money dashboard is good. You link to your bank account and updates every morning. It has loads of preset categories and you can set up budgets.

She can't force you to have a joint account. Set up an account in just your name. Have your income put in their and half the direct debits. Take your name off the other account.

Have a joint account if you want for household expenses, but always always have your own separate personal account and savings. Regardless of working/not working/receiving benefits.

You’re being quite vague OP

@Sarahandduck18

You’re a saver she’s a spender. Neither is right or wrong but you need to respect each other.

Had he been the spender and she the saver I think your response might have been different!

We are comfortable and could afford to put aside some money each month

I am sorry, but I am really, really struggling with this one.

I have never claimed a bean of benefit in my entire life, and thanks to lockdowns, there is no way I'll be putting anything aside for aeons.

I'm now sorry I bothered to build up a business.

@NCformoney

She won't agree to separate accounts, nor to a spend/save amount. It's all up-for-grabs as far as she's concerned.

You are not a doormat. You are an equal partner. Open your own account and have your money paid into it.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM

We are comfortable and could afford to put aside some money each month

I am sorry, but I am really, really struggling with this one.

I have never claimed a bean of benefit in my entire life, and thanks to lockdowns, there is no way I'll be putting anything aside for aeons.

I'm now sorry I bothered to build up a business.

Are you blaming the OP for being disabled?

What we did in this situation was have the benefits paid in to a joint account and then a fixed amount of spends paid to separate solo accounts. We got the same money each, everything 50:50, and then we only spent our "own" money without discussion.

I am a saver and I found this a much less stressful/controlling approach.

How fortunate you are to be able to save whilst on benefits.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM

You can easily claim disability benefits if you think it's preferable to continuing to run your own business. Simply partially sever your spinal cord. That's what my DH did. We were quids in...

She's buying kitchen appliances that never get used, masses of clothes and jewellery that never get worn, food that never gets eaten and useless shit, piles of it.

So she has some kind of shopping addiction/hoarding problem. In which case should insist a. She gets treatment b. You have control of the joint finances until she does and c. If she objects, which no doubt she will, you set up your own accounts.

Can ESA be paid separately if you asked the DWP?

Honestly. Been there and done that. I'd end it. Sorry.

@NCformoney

She won't agree to separate accounts, nor to a spend/save amount. It's all up-for-grabs as far as she's concerned.

She doesn’t have to agree to it. Open an account and arrange to have your money paid into it. Transfer a set amount each week/month into the joint account.

maybe he doesn't want any savings to get too high in case it affects your means tested benefits. I see this quite a bit, people get quite a lot in benefits (particularly when 2 lots of severe disability premium is paid when both on a disability benefit ) . They can't spend it all particularly when they can't go out anywhere at the moment so it builds up in the bank and they are looking for ways to keep the balance down.

Car funding is directly taken from my PIP and cannot be changed. She simply overbuys food, veg/fruit that goes mouldy for example, too many loaves of bread, ready meals,

I think the spendings become a habit to be honest, short term activated pleasure neurones.

She has both physical/mental health conditions and is on medication that under monthly review.

Sorry if I'm being a little vague, I don't want outing is all.

To the poster bashing my benefits - you can have my benefits, and my excruciating daily pain and being bed-ridden, in a wheelchair and I'll have your lifestyle in return, and my partners' being b,I do and her conditions in exchange. Deal? Thought not...

This is mumsnet at its very worst. If this was a woman posting about her DH then the responses would be completely different. Instead he's ripped to shreds for being a benefit scrounger. Bunch of cunts, basically.

@NCformoney

She won't agree to separate accounts, nor to a spend/save amount. It's all up-for-grabs as far as she's concerned.

Doesn't matter if she agrees or not; you both have to agree to put everything into a joint account, and you rightfully don't want to any more. So just don't have your money deposited into the joint account going forward and make it clear why.

Yes sounds like a shopping addiction. Theres no reason why you cant open a separate savings account and put a small amount in it every month.

My husband and I have been arguing lately (different issue), but I realised something today. He talks to me like a man, and I listen like a woman. I think when he talks he is being critical and placing blame, when he is simply stating facts but he says it in such a serious manner I feel like I am being told off.

Need to do what your user name says @FOTTFSOFTFOASM

@NCformoney

Car funding is directly taken from my PIP and cannot be changed. She simply overbuys food, veg/fruit that goes mouldy for example, too many loaves of bread, ready meals,

I think the spendings become a habit to be honest, short term activated pleasure neurones.

She has both physical/mental health conditions and is on medication that under monthly review.

Sorry if I'm being a little vague, I don't want outing is all.

To the poster bashing my benefits - you can have my benefits, and my excruciating daily pain and being bed-ridden, in a wheelchair and I'll have your lifestyle in return, and my partners' being b,I do and her conditions in exchange. Deal? Thought not...

I was not bashing your benefits, just explaining that maybe your partner spends so that the money doesn't build up. If neither of you are going out anywhere at the moment due to lock downs, maybe spending brings her enjoyment. I was not bashing, i work with people on benefits and when 2 are both disabled in a relationship, it is quite a lot in benefits as it should be of course.

Different couples do things differently and they may not see it as wasting money what stands out is it’s causing you to argue try to find a compromise it doesn’t have to be all or nothing can you both start saving for something you agree isn’t a waste of money

ESA is payable if you are unwell enough that you are unlikely to be able to work, due to whatever condition you have. Enhanced rate mobility and care is for pretty severe disabilities - this isnt a 'benefit' like sickness benefit - you cant fake this, you cant 'pull a sickie' and get bogus payments

In fact DLA before it was changed to PIP, had a tiny fraud level, PIP is even harder to get.

Yes, if you live a modest life, it IS possible to put a bit aside. But its a modest life, not latest phones, international holidays, no worries what you buy at the supermarket type of lifestyle. Its enough for a level of dignity. And often the care needs, or the utilities, or the to-ing and fro-ing to appointments, means that their outgoings are higher than everyone elses.

The disabled do not have the choices and options available to others, and it makes me fucking furious that people on here are already griping. They are NOT unemployed. They are NOT workshy. They CANT work fulltime, although there is the flexibility for them to be able to possibly work part time, IF THEY CAN, if they are getting ESA.

I think that in a rich country, and we ARE a rich country, that having a system that allows the disabled to live a life with dignity, and not of poverty, is the least that can be done.

I can see the problem is that the ESA is a joint claim, for a couple, and therefore goes into one account. Is there any way you can set up a 'bills' account that has a standing order that takes that on the same day that the ESA goes in and then everything, including any car payments come out during the month from that? Get your PIP/carers into your own account. make sure you have an equal amount of 'leftover' each month.

Are you in debt - does she take your joint account overdrawn? or does she just spejnd whats left over. Im not sure you CAN stop her doing that, but Im assuming that by doing that she is spending her 'share' and then spending your share too. so the important thing is to make sure all bills and outgoings are covered - you probably will need to put some of your PIP/carers into the bill account - and that whats left over is split equally.