My Partner Wastes Money

[NCformoney]

We are on benefits, receiving disability ESA and both receiving PIP, and carers. Everything is 50/50 and into a joint account.

We are comfortable and could afford to put aside some money each month, but every week/fortnight/month we are paid my partner will see fit to jump onto Amazon, Ebay and order things we don't need, or overspend on supermarket websites.

I'm fed up of it, I've tried having conversations about it but it just turns into an argument as they don't see the harm.

I've set up a separate bank account, to which they have no access. I'm really considering squirrelling away some funds into this account every time we're paid.

Any advice? I know I'm like BU to even consider this but I'm at my wits end.

I'm the man in the relationship, not that it should make any difference whatsoever.

FWIW, I'll be ignoring any benefits bashing in the thread.

@Babyroobs I was meaning FOTTFSOFATSOASM not you.

[quote NCformoney]**@Babyroobs* I was meaning FOTTFSOFATSOASM* not you.[/quote]
Aah ok that's good. I hope you manage to sort things out, life must be stressful enough without added problems.

@thedancingbear

This is mumsnet at its very worst. If this was a woman posting about her DH then the responses would be completely different. Instead he's ripped to shreds for being a benefit scrounger. Bunch of cunts, basically.

This. Amazed but not surprised at benefits bashing of disabled people.

This place really has a nasty side sometimes

@NCformoney

She is financially controlling, yes.

I expect when I divert my care and PIP, she will blanket her greater amount PIP, refusing any contribution to car even though she directly contributes.

So don't take her out in it! She can use her money to pay for taxis

Thank you @NettleTea for you sensitivity and empathy.

And yes, she's keeps the joint account at max overdraft.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM

So what did you suggest we do with disabled people who cannot work? Just give them enough money for bread and water and stick them all in one room flats? Or should we start gassing them, like the Nazis wanted? Or, if they're sensible with money and able to be comfortable, should we start taking the extra back?

We are civilised. We do not abandon the disabled. We dont leave them out to die. We make sure they have money to live on, and that living should not be a pittance. It should not be miserable.

You are able to work. A lot of people are physically not able to do it, and I'm not a nazi so I'm quite happy to support those people in a comfortable way. Our governmnet falls woefully short.

Maybe you should try and understand things from her point of view. What does she like about spending? Does it give her a buzz? Is she compensating for something? Could she get that buzz from something else? Could you maybe make her feel even better about herself than shopping does?

On a more practical front, invest in a freezer and shove stuff in there when she's overbought.

Would you say this was 'reckless spending' and has she been diagnosed with a condition which involves impulsiveness at all? I'm just wondering if her spending behaviour could be a symptom of another problem. Like a root cause of it or something?

Are your benefits the same - as in are you both receiving the same levels of support - getting the same amount of money individually (appreciate the car payment comes out of yours)?
Do you pay for carers for either of you?
I think if you get the same and pay noone to support you individually the I think you need to set up the bank accounts so that you have 3 - one each and one shared which has all the house costs coming out of it. I think you fund the joint account equally to cover the bills (taking into account the already paid car) make sure it has no overdraft and then send the remaining money to your individual accounts for you to do as you wish.

I assume you each have your own pip/carers claim but the esa is joint - but you can still control it? She does not have to agree for you to separate the accounts, I don't know how it balances out but can you take yours out or divert it before it gets there? So there is less for her to spend? Would she then overspend the bills money or would she leave that money in there?

You need to take control. Seek support if you need to but do not continue to allow another adult to take money rightfully yours and leave you unable to do what you need.

One person commented on benefits. Just the one. Hardly merits the label "ripped to shreds" does it?

But then, that wouldn't fit with the simplistic "if the partner was a man" narrative that some like to shoehorn into every thread.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM this man is disabled. You nasty piece of work.

I would definitely be wanting separate bank accounts. I've never shared a bank account with a partner and it's been fine.

@IndecentFeminist

Oh come on. Have you ever seen any women on here who complain about her husband spending all their money and leaving them overdrawn being told "maybe he spends to feel good, so why cant you make him feel good instead".
Have you ever seen that? I havent. A women wouldn't be told it's her fault for not making her husband feel good enough. But a man is told he should be making his wife feel good if she is spending too much. Mumsnet at it's best.

Already invested in a freezer.

Reckless? I'd probably use careless.

The food thing is interesting. Could there be some mental health behind for example any anxiety from not being fed as a child? Could more be frozen? I had a glut of apples over the summer and I stewed them and froze them. It must be really irritating to Chuck food. Could it be donated?
Does she realise how wasteful it is or is it you throwing things out?
Does she have cycles where she spends a lot then doesn’t?
Could you sell anything she doesn’t use? Would she allow it?

You're not comfortable though, are you, if you've got an overdraft at its max.

You should be paying that off, not saving as it will be costing you money to use it.

maybe try reading this?
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/money/im-finding-it-hard-talk-my-partner-about-money

Tbh I think the hoarding of stuff she doesn't need is also an issue.

You haven't said who gets more - but basically DH pays more in as he gets paid more. Then he gets a bit more to himself than I do.

Essentially you should both have same 'spends'. It would be better to help your children out, update your property, use money for carers to help you both than buying random stuff you don't need.

She's sad. Why?

Can you work out retrospectively approx what your bills are? Then divide the monthly amount left over into two and put your portion into your personal account.

Tell her you've done this and that she has x amount to spend this month. Ask her not to go over it as there don't be enough to cover bills if she does.

If she goes over this are you able to set up a new account for bills? You can then deposit the amount to cover bills into a designated bill account, deposit the half left over into yours and then your wife gets to spend whatever is left over in the current account.

She might be the sort of person to look at a balance and think this is my spending money. Lots of people see an amount and think it's free to be spent.

This way she doesn't have to have a separate account, you've just moved money out to cover things. She's still using the original account, it will just have less in it!

Speak to the bank about reducing the OD limit on the account you can mention that one of the account holders is vulnerable.

From Mind website
You could consider letting your bank know that you have a mental health problem. If you disclose a disability, they may have to to adapt their procedures. Find out more from our pages on disability discrimination, and from Money Saving Expert's Mental Health and Debt booklet. Remember that you have rights around your personal information under the Data Protection Act.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/money-and-mental-health/money-and-mental-health/

Take back control
Tell her you have set up a savings account how much does she think should be transferred over each month
I'm not the saver my OH is but I do understand why it's needed
Are you saving for anything in particular that may encourage her ? Holidays etc ?

@IndecentFeminist

One person commented on benefits. Just the one. Hardly merits the label "ripped to shreds" does it?

But then, that wouldn't fit with the simplistic "if the partner was a man" narrative that some like to shoehorn into every thread.

But I can’t see a woman in his position with a spending male partner being told it’s ok, understand how he feels, people are different.

She’d be told he’s an arse and to secretly save then leave

An equal number have said to set up separate accounts, she is controlling, he can just have his own account etc etc

I know someone like this. Makes her feel good. She spends her all days and nights caring for disabled children, with maybe only 3 or 4 hours sleep. It's her only release.