To not want my children to call her Auntie (yet)

[AmiBeingaCoworNot]

Hi everyone,

So I have 2 young children both under 4. Their uncle split with his wife at the beginning of last year and since September he has been seeing someone new, and we recently met her.

She is lovely but he started referring to her as "Auntie X" to the kids and I'm just a bit like "hold on! It's only been a few months!"

The rest of the family have form for doing this, the same happened to me when they met me (I felt uncomfortable with it) and although it's a nice thing to say, I don't think she has been around long enough for the kids to call her that yet?

AIBU? Does it matter when they're so little?

[quote AmiBeingaCoworNot]@SarahAndQuack Thanks for linking your thread. Has anything changed since you last posted? How are you feeling now?[/quote]
Thanks for asking. We had a gentle discussion with DP's sister and she agrees it is odd - he'd call most other adults auntie - but we didn't really get much further!

@Porcupineintherough

Just because you call someone "Auntie" doesnt mean you'll get attached to them. It's just an horrific. I've been "Auntie Porcupine" to many children over the years, I have a close relationship with exactly 3 of them.

I know! I thought that was a strange conclusion to make, as if every child I've ever known has grown up to wander around town confused the world isn't truly made up of real Aunties/Uncles.

Don't know if it's mollycoddling or not giving children the benefit of the doubt as the smart human beings they are but making a big deal out of saying Aunty/Uncle is an adult thing.

To child: This is Aunty/Uncle x (the same way you would say a name...just without the title). That's it. No extra talk around it.

If they someday ask if this Aunty/Uncle is related to mum/dad, you'd say no but some people are called that just like Miss/Mr while some are related. Don't see the potential trauma there but to each their own.

To be honest even to this day it feels weird to call anyone that is a generation older then me by their first name and feels like I am being disrespectful etc

I wouldn’t like that either. I don’t refer to the long term girlfriend of my DD’s uncle as ‘auntie’ because she just isn’t? I have a sister and that is my DD’s auntie.
Past about seven I just called my aunts and uncles by their first names anyway so maybe that’s colouring my view.

For what it's worth, my child doesn't call anyone Aunty/Uncle if they don't want to be referred to as such. In fact, the only people I introduce as Aunty/Uncle x are people I already know who'd want/expect it. Otherwise, it's X's mum/dad or Mr/Mrs/Mis/Ms x. Usually, they'd ask her to call them by their name which she does. It was jarring to me at first but I call people what they want to be called.

If we're to respect someone's choice to be called their name, surely it's the same to respect others who'd rather be called Aunty/Uncle x or does it only go one way?

@NwaNaija I haven't actually spoken to her about this, so I don't know what she would prefer to be called as their uncle just said it when he was speaking to the kids.

"In fact, the only people I introduce as Aunty/Uncle x are people I already know who'd want/expect it." -- exactly - you know them.

I don't know her, I've met her once for 4 hours.

As a child I only used to call women aunty who were in fact not my aunt. I referred to my aunts by their first name. My children call some of my friends and family aunty or uncle, others not and I am being called aunty by some of my friends children. To me, it is just a form of address.

I don't always know them personally - I just assume based on different things because I'd rather err on the side of trying to be respectful than not. A few have kindly corrected the introduction to "Oh, no just call me x" and we call them x.

I get it, it's a bit tricky because they're your kids and you're not dealing with her directly to know if she's asked for this or not.

But you said it's a cultural thing for your brother in law, so I'd assume she's okay with it (since she's been introduced) until you ask her. He knows her so has introduced her in that way. You wouldn't question the name he introduced her as, would you? You'd take it that he knows her so would know her name.

Or you could ask your brother in law about it.

Just to be clear, I'm not pushing for you to accept it or not feel some type of way about it - just that it's not really a big issue.

I have three of my eldests friends call me Auntie but its a cultural thing. It was a bit weird to start with but I got used to it.

I think its a personal thing with each person, I did refer to friends as Aunty while the kids were little as it was easyier for them than trying to use names but once they were capable they made their own choices.

I'm with you OP. Auntie is a special word reserved for the wives/long term partners of our brothers (neither of us has sisters).

My Dad has been in a relationship for 10 years and his partner kept referring to herself as Nanna. We put a stop to it, in part because she was volatile and at least once a year would blow up at my Dad and leave him for anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks. During those times she would cut us all off Facebook etc and then next minute she would be back acting like she was our best friend. I wanted them to grow up with the sense that family is stable, and not that a Nanna comes in and out of your life as she pleases.

i am aunt and great aunt to lots of kids in the family, i tell them all to call me by my name and not aunt, if you would prefer not to have your kids say aunt then tell her or him.

I felt strange when one of my friends and my sister started to refer to me as Auntie to their DC. I just want to go by my name and realised after that they also wanted to be referred to as Auntie by my DC. It seems a bit formal to me, but in my sister's case I go along with it as it is factually true.

@Enough4me I can see what you mean. I guess it depends on the culture. Both me and DP grew up with the relationship between children and adults were I guess what some people would see it as a little formal and will likely be like that with any DC we have

@Toffeefee23

Yanbu - titles have to be earnt

How do you earn the title of Auntie? I’m intrigued? Another one here who called all the female adults in the street Auntie. It was just a sign of respect.

I grew up in ireland and had never heard of children calling people auntie or uncle unless they were related to them. I have a large family and the words auntie and uncle were reserved for people who were my parents’ siblings or their husbands and wives. I was introduced to my (British) boyfriend’s young nieces and nephews about nine months after we got together. They called me by my first name. They still do, more than a decade later (we’re married now).

It's tricky, if the relationship does last, it would probably be hard for your dc to suddenly start adding Auntie to her name, so she will always be just 'name'. This is the situation with DH and my nieces, he's just called his name, because the children were born before we met, but because our children came later they refer to my siblings as Aunty and Uncle, if that makes sense. Doesn't bother Dh, but I can see why some might feel a bit excluded.

personally I think if you're not related by blood or married to the blood-related aunt/uncle, then you're not actually an aunt/uncle!

As a young child I called all my parents friends aunty and uncle as was the accepted norm. However, I was fully aware of who were my "real" aunts and uncles. It was Yorkshire cultural in them days.

We only call actual aunt ad uncles auntie and uncle. Other adults were Mr/Miss X. If unhappy tell your brother you'd prefer to leave the word auntie for actual aunties and call her Miss X. If they move in together then auntie seems fine.
Otherwise tell the kids she's not really their aunty but uncle's girlfriend but uncle would like them to call her aunty.

I was brought up in a family that never use the aunty/ uncle titles. My kids don't call this aunts and uncles like this either. But my niece and nephew (partners side) do so. I wouldn't like them to have called me aunty Trev after a few months. They do now but it's been years!! And they don't know life before I was with their uncle! I'm with you op, it's too soon

We use Aunty/Uncle for family and close friends. Other adults are Miss/Mr first name.

When he’s old enough he’ll be taught those with the Aunty/Uncle honorific are his trusted adults.

So it would matter here.

@ChippyChickenChips

personally I think if you're not related by blood or married to the blood-related aunt/uncle, then you're not actually an aunt/uncle!

As a young child I called all my parents friends aunty and uncle as was the accepted norm. However, I was fully aware of who were my "real" aunts and uncles. It was Yorkshire cultural in them days.

Same, my mums best mate is still auntie X and her children my 'cousins' but I know who my blood relatives are. Also from Yorkshire

@CorianderBee presumably your mum had known her best friend and had a good relationship with her for some time at this point?

I also couldn’t get worked up by this. I don’t use the term so my daughter just calls her aunts and uncles their first name, where as bizarrely some friends kids do call them auntie and uncle, when they aren’t.

So we sit there with their kids saying hey auntie Joan, and my daughter saying hey Joan, when she’s the one who is the niece not the other kid. 😂

If they stay together long enough for the kids to remember her being called Auntie then she will have earned the title by then already, surely?

In Aboriginal culture everyone is “sister” or “Auntie” - it’s said to strangers! It’s a really lovely aspect of the culture IMO

Also Italians in my experience do the whole “Zia / Zio thing with people of no actual auntie or uncle connection, just close family friends etc.

I do think because they have been dating only a few months it understandably feels weird for you & can see how you might not like it.

I know as a kid growing up I still knew who were my “real” aunts & uncles, but Sometimes it’s just easier to call them that.