To not want my children to call her Auntie (yet)

[AmiBeingaCoworNot]

Hi everyone,

So I have 2 young children both under 4. Their uncle split with his wife at the beginning of last year and since September he has been seeing someone new, and we recently met her.

She is lovely but he started referring to her as "Auntie X" to the kids and I'm just a bit like "hold on! It's only been a few months!"

The rest of the family have form for doing this, the same happened to me when they met me (I felt uncomfortable with it) and although it's a nice thing to say, I don't think she has been around long enough for the kids to call her that yet?

AIBU? Does it matter when they're so little?

YABU. If uncle X wants his new partner to be known as auntie Y, who are you to say that she shouldn't? It's not like he's rocked up and gone "Look kids, this is your new mother!"
I have about three dozen "aunties" and "uncles" who I'm not even related to (some aren't even the same race as me so IDK if it's cultural or if people just went along with it haha).

I've never been auntie lobsterkiller, I'm just lobsterkiller and that's to my siblings kids. Each to their own but I find it outdated, maybe because my aunts and uncles never used those terms either.

My children don’t call my bil’s wife auntie, she came into their lives when they were 9 and 7 and 10 years later they have just always called her by her first name. I’m not going to force them to call her auntie.

In your case I would be making sure they didn’t call his girlfriend auntie, the relationship might not last and he could have a new partner in a few months time. She has only just came on the scene. I’d definitely tell him it’s not on.

@Timmytoo

We call our work colleagues Aunty and Uncle if they're older than us. I'm Aunty Timmy to the staff in their twenties. I'm 40. Believe me it took a while to get used to calling colleagues Aunty and especially being called Aunty !!😂

That is just weird!

I think it's probably something they haven't put much thought into? When I introduced DH to my niece and nephew they immediately started calling him Uncle X, their mum encouraged it and even introduced him as 'This is your new Uncle, X.

I'd be weirded out if it was me but the chances are they just really haven't thought it through, or are going through the honeymoon stage where that sort of thing is thrilling I guess?

I would suggest not getting too worried about these things kids don't care, to be honest I was taken aback when dp's brother said auntie xxx to his baby dd referring to me as in my family we don't bother with the title even for blood relatives (and we had been together less than a year at the time)

@PurpleDaisies

It’s a bit of a cultural thing around here that any adult is Aunty Whoever. I really wouldn’t worry about this. How do you think it will damage your children?

Personally, it's something I loathe. My parents would refer to anyone older than my children as Aunt and Uncle, when we objected to it they seemed quite surprised. I pointed out that when I was about 18 I sat down with a piece of paper and worked out that most of my 'Aunts' were in fact cousins.

I think it's fair to have some concerns about how permanent a new girlfriend is. I'd hope maybe your children won't make much of it, but I do get why it is a concern.

I'm sorry, OP, I am absolutely going off on a tanget, but I find this thread really revealing of the casual homophobia on Mumsnet. I posted about when partners become 'auntie' or are treated as such and got a very different response just a few months ago - and unlike your uncle, I'm in a same-sex relationship. Seems that there, you can have been together for years and have a child together, and you're still not allowed to use 'auntie' or even entertain the thought.

I think you're being a bit petty op. You clearly don't approve of the relationship and want to use your kids to make a point. It seems a bit nasty

I feel the same as you OP but I have a friend whose entire family refer to other relations as aunty / uncle so it is normal for some.

I've never seen any homophobia about same sex couples and the use of auntie.

@Toffeefee23

Yanbu - titles have to be earnt

Eh? So if your brother has a kid you have earnt the title of aunty? What did you do to earn it?

Aunty and Uncle are mainly terms of respect for older people. In our culture we used those instead of Mr and Mrs.

Whilst technically they need to be married for her to actually be an aunt, nowadays, with so many unmarried couples referring to their partner’s families as their in-laws, it’s not unrealistic for anyone in a relationship with someone who has a niece or nephew to also be in the uncle/aunt role.

What will you do if you don’t allow her to be called auntie but then they at married at a later date so she actually is their aunt, because that might be more confusing still.

@Clymene

Every single one of my parents' female friends was called Auntie when I was a kid. I didn't find it confusing or think they were my actual auntie

ditto - and the neighbours in the street, I had a load of "aunties" and "uncles" that were no relation.

YANBU. This is an aunty in relation to an uncle, it's not just a question of respect, it's saying she's a family member, and she just isn't yet.

@KylieKoKo How am I clearly disapproving of their relationship? That's not the case at all, I'm just not into my kids calling a new GF Auntie the first time they've met tbh.

As I said in my OP- she's lovely.

It won't do them any harm. You'd come across as difficult, rude and pedantic if you make an issue and point it out.

ive been with my partner (not married) for over 5 years and his nieces and nephew call me aunty and my nieces and nephew call him uncle and have done for about 5 years

I'm 41 and still call my mums siblings aunty

@SunshineCake

I've never seen any homophobia about same sex couples and the use of auntie.

Honestly, there was. There was a whole thread about a child who was the same age as the OP's older child, and how it was absolutely fine for him not to use auntie for someone who was only a 'girlfriend'. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4063968-DPs-nephew-what-would-you-expect-him-to-call-me

Mine didn’t use aunty or uncle until the couple were married. Whilst still the bf or gf they called them by their first names.

@SnowFields I would probably explain to the kids that as they are married now she is to be called Auntie? I dunno!

I'm not going to lie, I'm relieved that some if you agree with me and are able to see it from my point of view. I guess it has a lot to do with how you're raised and general preferences etc.

I just take those titles quite seriously, and I'm still not even that comfortable with being called Auntie myself if I'm honest- my sister doesn't have children so it is just my DH nieces and nephews who've been told to call me that, I'd be quite happy if they used my name though!

@SmeleanorSmellstrop I probably am all of those things 😅

We started using auntie and uncle for our siblings' partners when they got engaged or had children together. But not for more casual or short-lived relationships.

I hate referring to people as aunty or uncle. It wasnt a thing in our house as we all knew who we were chatting about when we said Mary or John.
Its a completely unnecessary title and gives me the rage when my inlaws do it. I mean the kids only have 1 aunt and 4 uncles all with different names, they arent going to confuse anyone.

My friend tells her dog to go to me by saying "Dixie go and sit with Auntie xxxxx" I really think there is more to worry about than this.