To be cross with his parents

[maturinsslothe]

My DD, young adult, and her partner who is from NZ have spent most of lockdown at our house as both are in hospitality and have had a lot of furlough.

Partner has thro mix of bad luck and daftness cocked up his visa reapplication and has to leave Uk ASAP. I paid the 4.5k for a last minute flight for him. I can afford this, I offered, he's grateful and my DD is v appreciative.

Anyway the flight was a cock up and he didn't go.

He's booked another flight for 2k later this spring.

His parents have not contacted me and frankly I'm pissed off but I do t know if IABU because I'm pretty cross all round constantly because of the state of the world. So I'm aware it's easier to focus on two real people and be angry with them but to be unreasonable in doing so.

If your DC were in his shoes would you not contact the parents on the other side of the world who have made their home his home, found him a solicitor and got him a flight? He's 23 and has lived away from NZ since he was 18 and I sense his relationship with his DM is not great. Both his parents work.

I can't do a poll as am on my mobile.

Of course I would. But as you said yourself, his relationship with his parents isn't great. Maybe they're still resentful over something. Maybe they're just not very nice people.

Sounds like he's lucky to have you. As long as he's not taking you for granted, I'd just focus on that. Maybe he hasn't told his parents as honestly he should be mortified for not being a better adult about his visa and flights. Or maybe they're angry at him for overstepping with you and not taking responsibility himself. Who knows.

Why would you be cross with his parents? He's 23. Not 3. Why can't he get his own solicitor and sort out his own flight?

Where is he from in NZ? As a fellow NZer if it's somewhere rural a bad relationship with his parents is likely. Not to mention there's no way they'll have £4k to pay you back. The small towns arnt like the nice villages over here. If he's from one of the 3 cities the suburb will help to give you a profile of the parents. Plenty of daddy issues on that side of the world. Still a great country and I look forward to going back when we can

It's got nothing to do with his parents. He is 23.

Ok that's fair enough. I can accept IABU and I feel better for realising that. Thanks :)

Sorry, but he's a man. You are the one enabling him. Maybe his parents have had enough of what sounds like serious irresponsible behaviour on his part. I'd be mortified if my parents had contacted my boyfriends parents on the other side of the world at 23.

Conceding yabu was gracefully done.

I hope all resolves without further drama.

Maybe you’re judging by your own standards (ie what you’d do if it was your dc on the other side of the world) - you’re obviously a very supportive parent. maybe they won’t or can’t help, or expect him to stand on his own two feet. I hope it all gets sorted

You sound a lovely and generous person OP and he's very lucky to have you but you need to think of it as you offering to help out an adult, not someone else's child.

I bet he has not said very clearly ''i really fucked up''. ""I needed to borrow a huge amount of money from my girlfriend's mother''.

I wouldn't be angry with his parents. They probably think he's managing his own life. He's not!

I think a lot of young people just think adults LOVE to sort it all out. Doesn't occur to them that you might have liked to have spent that money on something else..

OP and now we wait for the inevitable pile on as the stupids refuse to read the whole farking thread properly

What do you mean the flight was a cock up? Did you lose £4.5k? I would be livid.

Did you get your £4.5k back?

If I were his parents I'd have a few strong words for him! Feckin idiot ...but he is 23 so what can you do. I hope I would make contact to thank you and tell you to kick him out!

Why would his parents contact you? He's a man not a child. That's just strange!

Sorry, but he's a man
Yes I find it very odd you mentioned his parents at all.

Gosh, I’m a bit scared @FlibbertyGiblets will think I’m stupid now

Just out of curiosity...how did he 'cock up' the flight?!

@AuntieDolly

Gosh, I’m a bit scared *@FlibbertyGiblets* will think I’m stupid now

Nah I am a pussycat walkover really.

Is he offering to repay you, in instalments, the lost £4.5k? Or did you get a refund?
Who is paying for the new flight?
Fwiw, had I ever been in the same situation, I would've been livid if my BF's parents had contacted my parents about almost anything when I was 23. I think at that age it would be up to me to tell my parents what I wanted them to know. That said, at 23, I would've been sorting my own visa and flights. That said, I am not entirely unsympathetic as I have a 22 year old whose visa is about to run out in May .......

I would expect them to be in touch with him, yes. In touch with me, no, as that would be weird. He's a grown man.

I don’t think you’re getting this money back... partner sounds like a dick. I’m guessing this was quite deliberate, btw.

He's 23! Most people of that age are living totally separate lives from their parents! Be annoyed with him for messing everything up (a visa application AND a flight? Doesn't sound accidental) and wasting a huge amount of money, unless you can get a refund?

How bad was the cock-up with the flight? Was it like, forgot to take passport to the airport level of incompetence or more like, tried and failed to get a place booked in managed isolation then the airline changed the flight times and the isolation dates were wrong and so the whole thing had to be canceled? Or booked a covid test for the day before, then the results came back too late for the flight? It’s really complicated trying to get in to NZ at the moment. Ask him to pay you back in installments once he has money coming in again?