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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with his parents

123 replies

maturinsslothe · 18/01/2021 21:26

My DD, young adult, and her partner who is from NZ have spent most of lockdown at our house as both are in hospitality and have had a lot of furlough.

Partner has thro mix of bad luck and daftness cocked up his visa reapplication and has to leave Uk ASAP. I paid the 4.5k for a last minute flight for him. I can afford this, I offered, he's grateful and my DD is v appreciative.

Anyway the flight was a cock up and he didn't go.

He's booked another flight for 2k later this spring.

His parents have not contacted me and frankly I'm pissed off but I do t know if IABU because I'm pretty cross all round constantly because of the state of the world. So I'm aware it's easier to focus on two real people and be angry with them but to be unreasonable in doing so.

If your DC were in his shoes would you not contact the parents on the other side of the world who have made their home his home, found him a solicitor and got him a flight? He's 23 and has lived away from NZ since he was 18 and I sense his relationship with his DM is not great. Both his parents work.

I can't do a poll as am on my mobile.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 18/01/2021 23:11

He is 23 and totally independent from his parents and an adult. How on earth did he not get the 4k+ flight or at least get transfer. Id be raging with him

Pythonesque · 18/01/2021 23:14

Flights to Australia at the moment are a total nightmare apparently. My daughter's very tentatively exploring what she could do if she takes a gap year next year, and my mother was sharing some tales of what she's heard of people trying to get back to Australia - repeatedly booking flights, having them confirmed, then the whole booking vanishing with little notice because they've reduced the numbers they'll take. Fewer and fewer airlines are even trying to fly to Australia at present. I imagine NZ flights may well be similarly affected.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 18/01/2021 23:24

Why would you be angry with them? Do they even know what's been going on with him? They'll only know as much as he tells them, surely?

Indecisive12 · 18/01/2021 23:27

Nothing to do with his parents. He’s an adult.

SavoyCabbage · 18/01/2021 23:27

He's cocked up his visa and then he's also cocked up his flights.

His parents are probably sick of his cock ups.

luxxlisbon · 18/01/2021 23:46

Really don’t understand why you are angry at his parents. He’s 23 and a grown man who moved out 5 years ago!

Anoisagusaris · 18/01/2021 23:52

What was the issue with his flight?

LagunaBubbles · 19/01/2021 00:00

It might be helpful if you had says what the "cock up" with the flight was. But no you shouldn't expect his parents to contact you, he's a grown adult.

bluegreygreen · 19/01/2021 00:06

A colleague has been trying to travel to Australia to start a new job - she finally managed to get on her ninth booked flight. Flights have been repeatedly cancelled. Is this what happened here?

If he's 23, why would you want to contact his parents? I assume you don't know them?

SueblueNZ · 19/01/2021 00:07

@ElDavidmeister
For ducks sake!!! You should be ashamed of yourself and calling yourself a NZer. I have rarely read such outrageous stereotyping and profiling.
OP, I imagine his 'cock up' might have been due to not knowing he had to secure a managed isolation booking prior to booking a flight. And he'll have to have a negative vivid result from no more than 72 hours prior to departure.
Are you happy for the money to be a gift as their relationship might not survive long distance. It is being said that NZ's borders will not reopen to foreigners until 2022 at the earliest.
His parents probably were not told you are bankrolling his trip.
You are very kind.

SueblueNZ · 19/01/2021 00:09

F should replace D.
And covid not vivid.

WhenAWrenVisits · 19/01/2021 00:20

We’re you expecting his parents to pay you back without having ever spoken to them? That would be v unreasonable. It’s very strange that you thought you would hear from them. I’m surprised you were willing to give so much money to your DDs partner

Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2021 00:24

Anyway the flight was a cock up and he didn't go

What cocked it up? Him?

Original poster
maturinsslothe · 19/01/2021 07:32

The flight cock up - I don't know whose fault it was.

He had done a negative NHS test he paid for privately in the right time preeood but the airline refused to accept it as they only accept another type of test. When I looked afterwards at the airline website it was clearly stated there that they dont accept the usual private test.
So I don't see why they would refund him. It was his error.

OP posts:
Original poster
maturinsslothe · 19/01/2021 07:36

My DD's life has been very miserable since covid and their relationship the best thing about it. Faced overnight with fear that partner would be in Yarlswood and then stuck in NZ for at least a year before being able to return here, and her not able to go there for the foreseeable, my instinct was to do what I could do help her. And helping him, helped her.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 19/01/2021 07:38

You sound like a lovely person. The boyfriend should definitely be grateful to you for helping him out. No idea what you think any of it has to do with his parents though?

AlternativePerspective · 19/01/2021 07:40

So he cocked up his visa application and then his flight. TBH I think that when you give someone this amount of cash you should do so only on the basis you know you’re unlikely to get it back.

As for his parents, he’s a grown adult, his life’s decisions are his and his alone.

I would just be hopeful that this relationship fizzles out once he leaves the country..., which it probably will, and then just cut your losses financially.

Original poster
maturinsslothe · 19/01/2021 07:43

Sometimes i think I get over-invested in "being a lovely person" - and then get cross when I'm not given a medal for it. I'm not good with boundaries nor with watching people suffer when I can help them - and this is (another) learning for me.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 19/01/2021 07:43

It would be nice for his parents to at least thank you for your help, but he's an adult. Do his parents even know what's going on?
I hope he has thanked you!

washitonia · 19/01/2021 07:48

His story makes no sense. If he missed his flight due to a wrong Covid test they'd have rebooked him at a later date. And I'm not really sure what a wrong Covid test is? Who was he flying with?
And now he's (you) paying again for another flight?
Something is not ringing true.

washitonia · 19/01/2021 07:52

@maturinsslothe

The flight cock up - I don't know whose fault it was.

He had done a negative NHS test he paid for privately in the right time preeood but the airline refused to accept it as they only accept another type of test. When I looked afterwards at the airline website it was clearly stated there that they dont accept the usual private test.
So I don't see why they would refund him. It was his error.

The NHS don't do private Covid tests do they? And all airlines are accepting PCR tests.....what test did he have? Surely he can't be that stupid?
AldiIsla · 19/01/2021 07:55

You do sound really lovely, maybe going forward approach his lackadaisical approach a bit more firmly. If your daughter marries and has kids with a man child she'll end up spending her life doing things for him without thanks. Pointless him moving out of Mummy's to leech off his girlfriend's Mam.

They should pay your 4.5k back.

Miramour · 19/01/2021 08:01

@ElDavidmeister

Where is he from in NZ? As a fellow NZer if it's somewhere rural a bad relationship with his parents is likely. Not to mention there's no way they'll have £4k to pay you back. The small towns arnt like the nice villages over here. If he's from one of the 3 cities the suburb will help to give you a profile of the parents. Plenty of daddy issues on that side of the world. Still a great country and I look forward to going back when we can Smile
Good lord what nonsense! Where do people get their information?!
Miramour · 19/01/2021 08:03

@maturinsslothe

Sometimes i think I get over-invested in "being a lovely person" - and then get cross when I'm not given a medal for it. I'm not good with boundaries nor with watching people suffer when I can help them - and this is (another) learning for me.
That's probably your takeaway on this saga. You have done a kind, thoughtful nd generous thing but ultimately it was your choice and as you pointed out, he and your daughter have been very appreciative. His parents are really not part of the story.
RedskyBynight · 19/01/2021 08:20

@inappropriateraspberry

It would be nice for his parents to at least thank you for your help, but he's an adult. Do his parents even know what's going on? I hope he has thanked you!
It's really odd to expect the parents of a 23 year old who's lived independently for years to be involved. Particularly as you know they don't have good relationships. If he'd been 16, absolutely you would have expected this!

I do wonder if this is symptomatic of your relationship with him/your DD in general - that you're very much in an adult/child mode rather than considering them as adults?

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