To be cross with his parents

[maturinsslothe]

My DD, young adult, and her partner who is from NZ have spent most of lockdown at our house as both are in hospitality and have had a lot of furlough.

Partner has thro mix of bad luck and daftness cocked up his visa reapplication and has to leave Uk ASAP. I paid the 4.5k for a last minute flight for him. I can afford this, I offered, he's grateful and my DD is v appreciative.

Anyway the flight was a cock up and he didn't go.

He's booked another flight for 2k later this spring.

His parents have not contacted me and frankly I'm pissed off but I do t know if IABU because I'm pretty cross all round constantly because of the state of the world. So I'm aware it's easier to focus on two real people and be angry with them but to be unreasonable in doing so.

If your DC were in his shoes would you not contact the parents on the other side of the world who have made their home his home, found him a solicitor and got him a flight? He's 23 and has lived away from NZ since he was 18 and I sense his relationship with his DM is not great. Both his parents work.

I can't do a poll as am on my mobile.

@justilou1

Are you SURE he’s getting the flight refunded??? I doubt that very much. HE broke the terms and conditions. I think you’re being lied to.

Airlines have, for the most part, adopted very flexible change policies to encourage people to buy tickets, so this isn't as doubtful as it would have been a year ago.

@justilou1

Are you SURE he’s getting the flight refunded??? I doubt that very much. HE broke the terms and conditions. I think you’re being lied to.

Drama queen much

@Miramour

FiveShelties

Isn't it the most bizarre post?! I wonder which "three cities" (out of the dozens) qualify.

Or how it is that the poster came to the conclusion that all rural dwellers have poor family relationships.

Or even that a postcode is an indicator if income.

Truly bizarre claims and conclusions.

I live outside the three 'main' cities so no hope for me

How very dare you

@Miramour - actually, the reason I’m asking is because I know exactly how in-demand seats on flights back to Australia and NZ are. I have a friend whose husband was trying to get back to Aus for months and had been bumped at the airport twice. (He came home just before Christmas.) Both countries are talking about organizing repatriation flights.

For what it’s worth OP, I don’t think you’re a mug, just a normal loving mother doing anything she can to help her DD. If that also involves helping out her bf then so be it.
My own DD’s mental health is shot to pieces with Covid restrictions and social isolation, and I do anything I can within my means to help get her through that.
I hope your dds bf is able to sort out his visa issues.

He sounds useless, frankly.

“Cross” is not the right word for this situation.

You get cross because you burnt dinner, or woke up late for work.

This is serious theft. A 5 grand cash theft!

“Cross” doesn’t really cut it, well it wouldn’t for me.

I had an ex steal $7 grand from me once & it still infuriates me that he was able to have access to this money.

Am surprised you can actually stand to be in the same room as him & play nice with MIL.

I would be making sure to end up ahead ahead in a divorce settlement, so he can remember it as the most expensive $5 grand mistake he’s ever made.

@maturinsslothe

He's getting the flight refunded and will pay me back. I don't know who is paying his flight later this spring. I think the test was a private test to NHS standards. Certainly not a question of him lying to the NHS.

He's lived with us for 9 months on and off, with Lockdowns. He's a lovely if vague man. He feels like part of the family I guess.

I too imagine his parents know very little.

I don't know, about some of the other comments though. Why would you not help someone who needs it? Why does that make me a mug? I offered, he didn't ask. I am clearly bonkers to think his parents should be grateful. But I know if roles were reversed, I'd be saying thank you in bucket-loads, to anyone who helped my DD when she was jobless, homeless, broke, and in the country illegally because her immigration lawyers were incompetent and had to get out ASAP to avoid deportation and a 12 month ban on returning.

I don’t think you are a mug and I think it was fine to help. You said you can afford it and offered, so nobody made a mug out of you.

However I really don’t get you thinking his parents should thank you, it is he as an adult that needs to thank you and maybe your daughter too, but definitely not his parents. You are infantilising him.

When I was 23, I would have been very embarrassed and surprised if my parents started contacting other adults that had been nice to me.

@maturinsslothe

He's getting the flight refunded and will pay me back. I don't know who is paying his flight later this spring. I think the test was a private test to NHS standards. Certainly not a question of him lying to the NHS.

He's lived with us for 9 months on and off, with Lockdowns. He's a lovely if vague man. He feels like part of the family I guess.

I too imagine his parents know very little.

I don't know, about some of the other comments though. Why would you not help someone who needs it? Why does that make me a mug? I offered, he didn't ask. I am clearly bonkers to think his parents should be grateful. But I know if roles were reversed, I'd be saying thank you in bucket-loads, to anyone who helped my DD when she was jobless, homeless, broke, and in the country illegally because her immigration lawyers were incompetent and had to get out ASAP to avoid deportation and a 12 month ban on returning.

Are those lawyers incompetent or is their client, who’s even stupid enough to mess up a simple test?

I wouldn’t be surprised if you are paying for that later flight, because he’ll use that refund. But that’s ok because you like to help, right? Let adults take responsibility for their own lives, it’s good for them and -in my opinion- nicer and more lovely than parenting them as if they are 13 years old.

I think it’s fine that you offered to help and doesn’t make you a mug. You offered and can afford it. In fact you sound lovely OP.

That aside yabu to expect thanks from his parents. You don’t know much about their relationship and expectations. Culturally his family might be quite different to yours. They may well know nothing or very little about what is going on. They will likely be expecting him to be standing on his own two feet as an adult, so whether or not they know, they might expect him to be doing the thanking.

I think you’re being very reasonable. I think the whole ‘he’s 23 so should never need any support’ attitude is unkind, unrealistic and entirely untrue. Most 23 year olds still need support and sometimes financial assistance from their parents. They are still quite young adults not long out of university and starting out in life.
Being on the other side of the world is hard. You’ve been a kind and reasonable parent. I’d do the same. I might not expect the parents to contact me but I’d have expected regular contact and support for him. If I was the parent, I’d probably have sent at least some NZ wine or some flowers.

How ridiculous to think all rural dwellers of a nation have poor relationships with their parents.

I don't know about NZ and flights but I do know many airlines won't accept the NHS test. You just get results by text message, they don't have all the details in the link someone posted above. They want the certificates private companies doing "test and release" issue.

OP you've not answered the question about what age you'd want him to be before you don't expect his parents to act like he's a child. If people help you do your parents say thank you? If they're no longer around, would you expect them to if they were? What about if he were 30, would you still expect them to say thank you? Where is the cut off? For most of us here it's adulthood. You clearly have a different view and it would be interesting to hear more about that and indeed why it's different for a 23 year old and a 53 year old (if you think it is).

Sorry but he is 23 years old which in my eyes, make him a grown up. Be annoyed with him, no one else! Perhaps if you weren't so quick to offer your money, he may have called his parents for help? Still nice of you to pay.

It sounds like he missed the first flight, because he would rather spend lockdown with his girlfriend in the UK. No other reason !

If they have no job & no furlough, he probably doesn't have the money for a flight home

Will he really go back to NZ in spring ?

I agree nothing to do with his parents

However, you are supporting 2 adults
What are they contributing ? If no money, are they doing household chores ?

@CherryRoulade

I think you’re being very reasonable. I think the whole ‘he’s 23 so should never need any support’ attitude is unkind, unrealistic and entirely untrue. Most 23 year olds still need support and sometimes financial assistance from their parents. They are still quite young adults not long out of university and starting out in life. Being on the other side of the world is hard. You’ve been a kind and reasonable parent. I’d do the same. I might not expect the parents to contact me but I’d have expected regular contact and support for him. If I was the parent, I’d probably have sent at least some NZ wine or some flowers.

How ridiculous to think all rural dwellers of a nation have poor relationships with their parents.

I don’t think anyone is saying a 23 year old should never need any support. There are however a million ways to support someone without babying an adult and blaming parents of said adult for not being thankful enough for the babying. He is homeless, jobless, broke and illegal, so you’d think he’d have all the time of the world to get a simple test right. Instead he is acting like a baby and getting away with it, being rewarded for his uselessness. As a parent I wouldn’t be thankful for that, why should I?

He doesn't need support from his parents

You & your family are supporting him

Is he/they entitled to universal credit job seekers allowance. Apply www.gov.uk

Unsure if someone from NZ would be eligible

This Covid situation is rare, normally there would be work available
Although there is still work in some sectors

@foxhat

OP you've not answered the question about what age you'd want him to be before you don't expect his parents to act like he's a child. If people help you do your parents say thank you? If they're no longer around, would you expect them to if they were? What about if he were 30, would you still expect them to say thank you? Where is the cut off? For most of us here it's adulthood. You clearly have a different view and it would be interesting to hear more about that and indeed why it's different for a 23 year old and a 53 year old (if you think it is).

I've said earlier up thread that I was not looking at it clearly and WBU to be angry with his parents. I absolutely see I was temporarily deranged to feel that! He is an adult yes absolutely, and I lost sight of that

He's now on a repatriation flight early Feb so hurray for that.

@maturinsslothe

He's now on a repatriation flight early Feb so hurray for that.

Are you gonna make sure you get your money back before he leaves?

OP most of us are temporarily deranged at some time or other during the current crisis! it's hard to keep perspective on anything I think! I'm glad he plans to pay you back.

You were never deranged, you were feeling frustrated and you came in here for some support. As is what happens typically in here, many posters leapt on your vulnerability as an opportunity to project their anxieties and petty judgements.
That says a lot about them but it doesn't alter the fact that you did a very kind and generous thing for someone who is important to your daughter at a very crazy time

You sound lovely. Best wishes with all that follows.