To be cross with his parents

[maturinsslothe]

My DD, young adult, and her partner who is from NZ have spent most of lockdown at our house as both are in hospitality and have had a lot of furlough.

Partner has thro mix of bad luck and daftness cocked up his visa reapplication and has to leave Uk ASAP. I paid the 4.5k for a last minute flight for him. I can afford this, I offered, he's grateful and my DD is v appreciative.

Anyway the flight was a cock up and he didn't go.

He's booked another flight for 2k later this spring.

His parents have not contacted me and frankly I'm pissed off but I do t know if IABU because I'm pretty cross all round constantly because of the state of the world. So I'm aware it's easier to focus on two real people and be angry with them but to be unreasonable in doing so.

If your DC were in his shoes would you not contact the parents on the other side of the world who have made their home his home, found him a solicitor and got him a flight? He's 23 and has lived away from NZ since he was 18 and I sense his relationship with his DM is not great. Both his parents work.

I can't do a poll as am on my mobile.

My mum had 3 kids by 23. He most definitely is a full and proper grown up. What age would you think he would have to be for his parents not to take responsibility for his adult choices?

Jesus! 23 year old fucks up twice and you want his mummy to thank you on his behalf?

YABVU!

Stop saying loving his problems, let him solve his own! It's going to cost you a fortune.

He's a grown man.

An incompetent waste of space of a man tbf.

And you're an utter utter mug.

Could he have had an NHS test and only discovered too late that these tests don't come with the info required to be valid for for flights. Not great Google skills.

Doesn't sound as if it's all going that well.

In fact it seems as if you are buying his company for your daughter. That's not a great thing to be doing, for either of them.

Or for yourself.

If someone gave me 4.5 k to get a flight I would make sure I did everything not to fuck it up.
Why people excuse these fuckwits I’ll never know

Thinking about it, if I were his parents id be cross with you! Buying the happiness of your daughter by keep bailing out her BF.

He's fucked up twice, maybe he needs to eat humble pie and admit it and ask his parents to bail him out. They can then have a serious conversation about his uselessness.

But that's not going to happen, as his girlfriends helicopter parents are going to swoop in to buy her happiness.

If he was that bothered about staying with your daughter, he would've got his visa/flight sorted wouldn't he?

Narnia you know his parents haven't fucked anything up right? The boyfriend did that all on his own. If OP was cross at him I think there would be a unanimous cheer of support! I hope he pays the money back over time. He certainly should.

OP - I can see no where that you are trying to get any refund from the airline. Have you enquired? What airline is it? He may be able to get a voucher to replace the previous cancelled/denied flight? He sounds an immature nightmare - get rid.

6k on flights sweet jesus id be pissed off! With him!!!!

If I were his parents I would have contacted you when all this was going down, to say thank you for the flight payment and ask if I could pay you back.

But not all parents are decent human beings so

@cherrypie111

I think the more likely scenario is they have absolutely no idea about what’s gone down here...

Yes it would have been nice if the parents had of got in contact with you to thank you (and perhaps offer to contribute).

I would feel much the same as you do, OP.

Also, it's a wonder he's not embarrassed by how much he has cost you.

Can't help with anything else, but you should be able to claim the air passenger duty back which is better than nothing.
I wouldn't pay for anything else. He's an adult living at your expense as it is by the sounds of it.

He's getting the flight refunded and will pay me back. I don't know who is paying his flight later this spring. I think the test was a private test to NHS standards. Certainly not a question of him lying to the NHS.

He's lived with us for 9 months on and off, with Lockdowns. He's a lovely if vague man. He feels like part of the family I guess.

I too imagine his parents know very little.

I don't know, about some of the other comments though. Why would you not help someone who needs it? Why does that make me a mug? I offered, he didn't ask. I am clearly bonkers to think his parents should be grateful. But I know if roles were reversed, I'd be saying thank you in bucket-loads, to anyone who helped my DD when she was jobless, homeless, broke, and in the country illegally because her immigration lawyers were incompetent and had to get out ASAP to avoid deportation and a 12 month ban on returning.

lovely if vague man

This and the mistakes and lack of focus, precision, being generally ‘on to it’ sounds just like DH and DS who both have ADD.

Some people don’t have what it takes to do this stuff right every time themselves, however important it is. I think you are a kind and thoughtful woman OP and at least your daughter can see the issues that she may or may not be choosing for life if they remain together. People who are crappy at the running of everyday life can have loads to give and be wonderful people.

I do however think it being anything to do with his parents at his age is a bit far fetched, but you seem to have reached that conclusion yourself.

I think you’re an extremely kind woman. Not a mug!
But I think he’s a bit of a twat. And his parents probably don’t know the half of it.
I doubt they even know the 4.5 k is yours

Glad to hear the money is in fact on its way back to you (everything crossed).

Armchair psychologist here, but the length of time and gentle cajoling it took you to tell us that OP makes me wonder if you also wanted us to notice and comment on how kind, generous and forgiving you were (which you indeed!) and give you the medal you feel you deserve.

He sounds like an utter fuckwit and his parents probably know it. I say this as a fellow immigrant who hasn't been home in 13 months, I have zero sympathy for him. He fucked up his visa and then his flight too? He's vague? Wtf?

YANBU to help him to help your DD. My parents would have done the same for me I imagine. I don't think you're a mug but I do think you should write off that money and be prepared for him to never come back from NZ. Your DD needs to learn the hard way she needs to make better choices in men - grown ups don't make so many fuck ups about such important things.

His parents either 1) don't know about the money or 2) they know what a lazy twat he is and they're afraid you'll ask them to cover his mistakes (which they have no obligation to do for a 23 year old)

"I think the test was a private test to NHS standards". No, I think he's tried to wing it with a freebie test off the NHS which he got by saying that he needed one for reasons of having symptoms etc. I could be wrong on that of course though. Maybe the text that he got confirming will prove where it was from, it does say NHS in it if it is from the NHS.

I don't think you're a mug, I think you've been very kind to him. But I also don't think you see that he (or at least he sounds as if this is the case) just bumps along, expecting everyone to pick up after him. That is taking advantage. If someone was lending me 4.5k for a flight, I would double, triple, quadruple check the requirements of flying and make sure I followed them to a t. But he doesn't sound overly bothered tbh, which is easy when it isn't your own money getting pissed up against the wall. Missing his flight is also an easy way for him to stay in the country for a bit longer; if immigration come knocking asking why he's still here then he can show them his intended departure and hope that that will stave them off. Believe me, I know this from when I was 19 years old, on my working holiday visa and my bf at the time had his visa end date coming up. He thought by 'missing his flight' so he could stay a bit longer would fly with immigration as to why he hadn't left on time. It didn't.

Make sure that refunded money comes back to you.

Here is NZ Ministry of Health’s requirements for travel to NZ, including pre-departure tests - www.health.govt.nz/our-work/diseases-and-conditions/covid-19-novel-coronavirus/covid-19-information-specific-audiences/covid-19-advice-travellers

If he had a PcR test then that should have been ok.

Had he booked a place in Managed Isolation? He will need that too.

Re the covid test, some airlines will only accept tests from certain companies.

My neighbour went to Dubai (Aug/Sept time, before 2nd wave) and the airline would not accept NHS tests. She was given a choice of 3 private companies she could go to for a test within 72 hours of her flight, and she had to pay over £100 for the privilege (twice because the first test came back inconclusive)

It seems certain airlines have contracts with certain companies to send all their customers there for tests

Your daughter should be happy you bought her a lockdown gigolo

Agree YABU about his parents (but I saw your updates).

You seem like a lovely and reflective person to me, OP. I particularly like Sometimes i think I get over-invested in "being a lovely person" - and then get cross when I'm not given a medal for it
I do that too sometimes

Are you SURE he’s getting the flight refunded??? I doubt that very much. HE broke the terms and conditions. I think you’re being lied to.