To be cross with his parents

[maturinsslothe]

My DD, young adult, and her partner who is from NZ have spent most of lockdown at our house as both are in hospitality and have had a lot of furlough.

Partner has thro mix of bad luck and daftness cocked up his visa reapplication and has to leave Uk ASAP. I paid the 4.5k for a last minute flight for him. I can afford this, I offered, he's grateful and my DD is v appreciative.

Anyway the flight was a cock up and he didn't go.

He's booked another flight for 2k later this spring.

His parents have not contacted me and frankly I'm pissed off but I do t know if IABU because I'm pretty cross all round constantly because of the state of the world. So I'm aware it's easier to focus on two real people and be angry with them but to be unreasonable in doing so.

If your DC were in his shoes would you not contact the parents on the other side of the world who have made their home his home, found him a solicitor and got him a flight? He's 23 and has lived away from NZ since he was 18 and I sense his relationship with his DM is not great. Both his parents work.

I can't do a poll as am on my mobile.

@ElDavidmeister

Where is he from in NZ? As a fellow NZer if it's somewhere rural a bad relationship with his parents is likely. Not to mention there's no way they'll have £4k to pay you back. The small towns arnt like the nice villages over here. If he's from one of the 3 cities the suburb will help to give you a profile of the parents. Plenty of daddy issues on that side of the world. Still a great country and I look forward to going back when we can

You must be joking. I live in NZ and have no idea how you could have those views and be a Kiwi. Completely bizarre.

@maturinsslothe

Sometimes i think I get over-invested in "being a lovely person" - and then get cross when I'm not given a medal for it. I'm not good with boundaries nor with watching people suffer when I can help them - and this is (another) learning for me.

I mean well, but OP, you’re not lovely, you’re a mug. Do you think he would have f#cked this up if it was his hard earned 4,5k? I’d be surprised. I think you know this deep down inside and that’s why you’re taking it out on his parents. Because it’s easier to blame them than to take a hard look at your own actions. Let your DD and SIL take responsability for their own lives, they are adults, not children.

Good lord, I was married at 23 with a good job, a mortgage and a car loan. I can't imagine my mother getting involved in my private business at that age. The boyfriend sounds a bit wet. If they're staying with you and claiming furlough, couldn't he have paid his own ticket?

I’m upset for you. Did you book the ticket, or just give him money? Is the new £2k coming from your money? Was his ticket refundable? Why don’t you know this? I’d be spitting feathers - even if you can afford to just write off the money doesn’t mean you should be so passive.

I think they are both taking advantage of this probably very well-known trait of yours

FiveShelties

Isn't it the most bizarre post?! I wonder which "three cities" (out of the dozens) qualify.

Or how it is that the poster came to the conclusion that all rural dwellers have poor family relationships.

Or even that a postcode is an indicator if income.

Truly bizarre claims and conclusions.

OP, you haven't answered if you lost the £4.5k?

CrumbsThatsQuick

She hasn't. He's not eligible for a refund.

He's 23 - why are you forking out huge amounts of money for flights that get cocked up (how?)? In fact, why are you involving yourself at all?
If they stay together, your daughter won't be thanking you when they're in their 30s and he still can't manage adult life.

I think I would be a little irritated at his poor organisational skills that lost you the 4.5k. Where did the cash for the next flight come from? Has he made any noises re paying you back?

I would be exceedingly irritated with him. But his parents? No. At 5 years of independent living and 23 years of age I would find it really inappropriate for his parents to directly contact me.

It’s a good job you can afford the loss (6.5k with the second ticket too?). But given the way you are finding anyone but him to blame, I think it would be a good idea to take a step back and let him sort everything else out on his own. I would ask him to set up an affordable repayment plan, too. It’s pretty clear whose fault the missed plane was and, in any case the whole reason for needing a flight is clearly his fault, isn’t it?

At least your daughter has had a bit of a reality check on what he’s like with the big issues before those big issues will cost her an arm and a leg.

Maybe this is just the latest in a long list of muck ups he has made in the past. They may well have washed their hands of him so were far from grateful that you had raised to money to send him back!!

Well he sounds like a useless entitled man child.

I'd be pretty pissed if that he wasted a 4.5k gift because he couldn't be arsed to check the test details.
Were his visa problems similar personal errors? Does he actually take responsibility for anything?
He's a 23 year old adult, be pissed off with him, not with his parents who seem to have set healthy and sensible boundaries.

This helplessness of his suits him well, doesn't it? He can leave a trail of cock ups in his wake and people will sweep up after him. I wonder if he would have failed to do the proper research in regard to what kind of test it was that he needed to board his flight if it was his own 4.5k on the line? Sounds like a bit of a pisstaker to be honest.

Also I wasn't aware that the NHS did private tests? Sure he hasn't just lied to the NHS to get a free test staying that he had symptoms in order to avoid paying 60 quid for a private test?

Maybe they don’t have that amount of money, maybe they think because he is 23 they shouldn’t have to pay for his flight or maybe they don’t know you paid for it!

"Where is he from in NZ? As a fellow NZer if it's somewhere rural a bad relationship with his parents is likely. Not to mention there's no way they'll have £4k to pay you back. The small towns arnt like the nice villages over here. If he's from one of the 3 cities the suburb will help to give you a profile of the parents. Plenty of daddy issues on that side of the world. Still a great country and I look forward to going back when we can."

What a load of bollocks, and I say that as a rural New Zealander.

PMSL, wonder what the average value of a house, and income of a person that lives in Wanaka is. . . or Kaiteriteri. . . how about Te Anau? Queenstown, anybody?! Oooh, oooh, here's another one - anyone for Waiheke Island?!

I m a bit confused because I cant see if you were in contact with his parents before this happened? If you were not in contact with them, then I don't see how you can be cross with them.
You are expecting them to take as much interest in him and your dd as you are. But you don't know what he's told them.
At 23 he ought to be able to read a website and not casually lose you £4.5 k.. Its him you should be cross with. He sounds like a complete idiot.
If you keep supporting him and looking out for him and making arrangements for him, he will never learn to rely on himself and you could be propping up a relationship that perhaps should be coming to a timely end .... or you could be propping it up for the next 20 years.

23?! I know a lot of people who had their own DC by that age OP!

You sound way overinvested. And do his parents even know you paid for the flight?

You seem to be parenting as if they're five years younger than they are.

I'm not sure why his parents have to thank you on his behalf at the age of 23 tbh, it's not like he's 10 and has been to yours for tea and a sleepover.

He's an adult. I wouldn't expect his parents to pay for his flights home. If the relationship isn't great then I really wouldn't be surprised they don't have much contact.

I would hope I’d brought my now adult child up well enough to be suitably grateful to you and show that. If I already knew you, I’d thank you myself. Otherwise... there’s a point where it becomes over stepping I think. 23 year olds don’t need mummy and daddy phoning, no.

He lied to you about a test which doesn’t exist.

He thought he could wing it with the airline to save £100.

He’s fucked you out of 4.5k out of incompetence, laziness and taking you for granted.

He fucked up his visa. Pretty important thing!

And you think it’s his parents fault. I would imagine he’s probably lied to them, but that’s ok because he’s a nice chap.

Fuck I hope your DD doesn’t end up with him for life.