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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Facebook Message about FIL

128 replies

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 10:28

Was checking my FB messenger today as someone had said they would message me about a work issue - as I am not 'FB friends' with them I was checking in the message request folder as I know sometimes messages from non friends get put in there as spam.

Came across a message from June 2020 that was from an anonymous user. It basically said they were contacting me as they had heard a rumour that my FIL was 'a danger to young children, particularly young girls'. They stressed that they had no proof of this but felt I should know as we are close to PILs and they often provide childcare for our two dds (4 and 7 yrs).

I really don't know what to do with this info. FIL has always been great with us and seems to be well liked in his local community. They live in a smallish town where everyone seems to know everyone so I really can't imagine a rumour like this staying quiet. Also my MIL is a really strong character who often takes him to task and I feel certain that if she was aware of anything he would no longer be in the house (in fact I think he would no longer be breathing).

I suppose my aibu is would I be unreasonable to just assume this has been sent by someone with a grudge against FIL or should I speak to my husband about it. He's an only child and idolises his dad so I can imagine this would be heartbreaking for him to contemplate.

If I do keep this quiet I will certainly be very vigilant with FIL especially round our dds.

OP posts:
Changedforthisyear · 18/01/2021 10:30

I would contact the police, explain and ask for a Claire’s law check.

mindutopia · 18/01/2021 10:42

I too would ring the police and ask for a check to be done on him, though it's under Sarah's Law (not Claire's Law, which is for domestic violence).

It would be great if it was just malicious, but based on personal experience, I know all too well that where there is smoke there is usually fire. This has happened to me twice in relation to male family members who had (supervised) contact with my dc. Not the Facebook message bit, but being informed or finding out by chance about historical convictions against them. They also are upstanding members of the community, well liked, completely never something you would ever expect, both married (second marriages in both cases) to very outspoken intelligent women (one of whom actually works in an NHS safeguarding role!). Both of their partners and several other family members know about their convictions for child sex offences, and have been able to compartmentalise it and come up with some crazy explanation for why it's not really a big deal. In both cases, the child abused was a family member (in one case, his daughter from first marriage). Served prison time, on probation and sexual offenders registry for 10 years, etc. Everyone knew....except our generation. All the older family members kept it very much a secret. If I hadn't managed to find out by chance, I shudder to think what might have happened to my dc. They were at the time too little to really spend unsupervised time with these family members, but certainly as they got older, it's quite possible they would have.

I would take it seriously until you have a reason to believe it's untrue. If there is any way to contact the sender and ask for more details, that would be really helpful. But yes, definitely do the Sarah's Law request. It's very easy. You can do it in person or over the phone, usually through a safeguarding officer at your local police station.

CrotchBurn · 18/01/2021 10:44

Thats horrible:-/

tensmum1964 · 18/01/2021 18:43

I agree about Sarah's law but unless he has been formally accused or investigated nothing will show. It could be totally malicious but I would start of by engaging the person that sent the message and seeing if you can find out more. I think your partner should know about the message but at this stage don't let your in laws know.

combatbarbie · 18/01/2021 18:50

Hmm I'm very much of the "there's no smoke without fire" camp and I suspect a Sarah's law request would not throw up anything..... However that's not to say he hadn't done anything, just means he hadn't been reported.

I'd be wary. Why contact you? It's obviously someone known to the family if they have seeker you out and know you have DC.

May172010 · 18/01/2021 19:17

I do doubt it’s malicious. Can’t imagine that anyone cares to spread that kind of rumors.
I would take action and get the police involved. Most certainly wouldn’t leave my children with him after that.

Pbbananabagel · 18/01/2021 20:08

Talk to your daughters. Give them an opportunity to have a conversation with you, perhaps show them the Pants book from the nspcc. Do not let this go. You do not want to turn around to them in 10 years time and say you found the message and did nothing if they come to you broken, suicidal and looking for answers.

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 20:10

Woaaaaah. People are jumping the gun a lot here.

I am going to go against the grain here OP and say you need to tell your husband.

OhCaptain · 18/01/2021 20:12

Do you know how many upstanding members of the community are child abusers? And how many of them having wives who either don’t know or turn a blind eye? Or even don’t think it’s worth leaving over?

You can’t know. Either he’s not all that well liked to the point that someone would make up a lie like this to potentially destroy his family, or there’s some truth in it. Meaning the messenger genuinely believes it to be true.

I’m not telling you what to do but it’s naive at best to go “oh he’s well liked and MIL is quite the character”. Dangerously naive, perhaps. And your children can’t afford for you to be that naive.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2021 20:17

Can you respond to this anonymous person who sent the message? Perhaps get some more information.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 18/01/2021 20:18

I had an unsolicited fb message from a journalist trying to dig up dirt on my cousin. Was really odd. I think you need to take it seriously. Who sent it, what would be their reason for doing so?

Pippa234 · 18/01/2021 20:22

I agree with Aquamarine1029 I think you need to try and get more information here.
Also even if you do the check under Sarah's Law and it comes back clear, it doesn't necessarily mean he's innocent, just that he's never been caught.

nanbread · 18/01/2021 20:27

Hmm, I'd also err on the side of caution.

Did they name him, did they clearly know you have DDs, and is your profile otherwise locked down? As in, they couldn't have got that info from looking at your profile?

Personally I wouldn't tell your DH just yet. I'd be worried that he would be v defensive and side with his DF.

I'd see what you can find out from the FB user who messaged first / Sarah's Law.

NailsNeedDoing · 18/01/2021 20:34

Good advice above to talk to your daughters about privacy, there are good resources and books out there that you can use.

Personally I’d be freaked out and thinking that although it could be malicious, it’s not a risk work taking.

1FootInTheRave · 18/01/2021 20:49

I'm not sure I could keep this from dh.

I also wouldn't be so sure that it was malicious.

GreenClock · 18/01/2021 20:51

Great advice re Sarah’s Law, questioning the sender, and the NSPCC book but I think that you need to talk - gently obviously- to your husband too. It’s not something to keep from a spouse. If he finds out that you kept this from him for more than a few days, it could damage your relationship and if the accusation has legs you’ll need to be strong for each other and your girls.

SunshineCake · 18/01/2021 20:53

YABU to ignore.

Man, father, pillar of the community. Everyone thought he was great.

Reality - child abuser.

OhCaptain · 18/01/2021 20:55

What will Sarah’s Law prove if none of his victims have ever come forward?*

*not saying he has victims but if he did...

Darbs76 · 18/01/2021 20:56

I think you absolutely must speak to your husband. You can say it as you’ve said here, that you don’t believe it’s true, so he doesn’t automatically think you’re accusing his dad too. You must take this seriously though. I know of a few upstanding members of communities who have turned out to be child abusers. Like I say it might not be true, but you can’t ignore a message like this when they are caring for your children

JiltedJohnsJulie · 18/01/2021 21:04

He sounds exactly like our old next door neighbour. Liked by everyone, absolute charmer. Second marriage, married her when she had a young son.

Spent a long time trying to get my trust and then when he wasn't getting far with me started buying DS presents.

Luckily nothing happened with our DC but he now does have convictions and has the family have since moved.

The message would be enough to get my alarm bells ringing.

Rockettrain · 18/01/2021 21:09

I think the first step is to respond to the facebook message. Say that you need more info, ask for anything else they can tell you, and ask how you would know that this is legitimate and not someone that just has a grudge against him. It is rare but malicious accusations can and do happen.

THEN go and speak to your husband. Not the other way around. Your DH will likely be extremely defensive and might ask you to delete the message or react badly in some other way.

Your priority needs to be your DC and not your DH and his feelings.

Rockettrain · 18/01/2021 21:10

(oh also, most child abusers are not 'weirdos' but rather normal people. The fact he is well liked in his community means very little in this regard)

cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 21:12

I would reply to the poster and ask for more information and also contact the police and ask for a check to be done

Just because he is a pillar of the community doesn't mean he isn't a sex offender, in fact many are

bumpdownthestairs · 18/01/2021 21:14

I agree you need to reply to the message, the Sarah's Law right for information surely wouldn't throw anything up as DH/MIL would know about it surely? I would try and get more information from the sender, keep the girls with you and ultimately let your DH know what has happened. What am awful situation you have been put in Flowers

SnoozyBoozy · 18/01/2021 21:16

How did they find you and link you to your FIL? Are you sure they mean him and not someone with the same name? Who are they and how do they know him?

I would want to know all this first to make sure this person was firstly talking about the right person and how they knew him, and then I would most definitely talk to my DH about it. Yes, he could absolutely be an abuser, but on the flip side you could also ruin a man's reputation and your relationship with him, so I'd be inclined to get as much info as you can before taking it any further. I certainly wouldn't be rushing to the police at this stage.