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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Facebook Message about FIL

128 replies

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 10:28

Was checking my FB messenger today as someone had said they would message me about a work issue - as I am not 'FB friends' with them I was checking in the message request folder as I know sometimes messages from non friends get put in there as spam.

Came across a message from June 2020 that was from an anonymous user. It basically said they were contacting me as they had heard a rumour that my FIL was 'a danger to young children, particularly young girls'. They stressed that they had no proof of this but felt I should know as we are close to PILs and they often provide childcare for our two dds (4 and 7 yrs).

I really don't know what to do with this info. FIL has always been great with us and seems to be well liked in his local community. They live in a smallish town where everyone seems to know everyone so I really can't imagine a rumour like this staying quiet. Also my MIL is a really strong character who often takes him to task and I feel certain that if she was aware of anything he would no longer be in the house (in fact I think he would no longer be breathing).

I suppose my aibu is would I be unreasonable to just assume this has been sent by someone with a grudge against FIL or should I speak to my husband about it. He's an only child and idolises his dad so I can imagine this would be heartbreaking for him to contemplate.

If I do keep this quiet I will certainly be very vigilant with FIL especially round our dds.

OP posts:

smalalalalalala · 18/01/2021 21:36

Is he trying to be in contact with children in general? Yours or like a sport coach or has a job in relation with children?

This could be a sign

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 21:39

@smalalalalalala

Is he trying to be in contact with children in general? Yours or like a sport coach or has a job in relation with children?

This could be a sign

Robbybobtail · 18/01/2021 21:40

I would definitely contact them to ask for more information - saying they “heard a rumour” sounds a little sketchy. But I wouldn’t leave dc’s alone with him in the meantime.

Housing101 · 18/01/2021 21:44

Who sent the message?

How do they know FIL. How do they know you have kids and are in contact with FIL.

I have worked with many child sex offenders (unfortunately) and often they are inconspicuous individuals, with caring families, respectable jobs, nice lives. And there are MANY of them around.
It's very often their own relatives they abuse.

Try and find out what you can through the police. But remember, not everything is reported to the police so may also we worth trying to find out more from the messenger.

BobbidyBob · 18/01/2021 21:53

OP won’t be able to respond to ask for more info I don’t think. By ‘anon facebook account’ I’m assuming it’s been deactivated since the message was sent and will just show was ‘Facebook user’ and you can’t respond or click on their profile.

OP, I’d talk to your husband. You never know, there might be someone who holds a grudge against your FIL that you don’t know about and your husband would.

saraclara · 18/01/2021 21:55

from an anonymous user. It basically said they were contacting me as they had heard a rumour that my FIL was 'a danger to young children, particularly young girls'.

Hang on a minute. This person had 'heard a rumour'? This is not in any way a person who has experienced anything at the hands of your PIL, or even knows someone who has. They've simply 'heard a rumour' and they're anonymous.

Would anyone here want people to assume their guilt on such flimsy (to the point of no) evidence or first-hand knowledge?

Any one of us could go onto a random persons FB page and send that message. Literally any of us, to anyone. So this immediate assumption from many posters that this is probably true, bothers me a lot.

I don't know what I'd do in these circumstances, but jumping to the worst case scenario in the face of a report of a rumour from an anonymous person, seems excessive.

carlywurly · 18/01/2021 22:09

The problem as I see it is that the stakes are way too high to take the risk of just ignoring it.

Nobody wants to believe this stuff but you really can't afford not to when it's the safety of your dcs.

Either way, it's totally shit.

Pbbananabagel · 18/01/2021 22:13

To follow on my previous message I would speak to your girls privately one on one with each of them and have a very open conversation, use the NSPCC’s framework and do not specifically name their grandfather. IF this is true and IF they have experienced anything they shouldn’t have, you can’t lead them into telling you as this will not help you convict him. Trust me, I’ve been there. This is a reason why you should also not speak to your husband first as he will have a much more emotional reaction and cannot be relied upon to act impartially. If something has happened, and you pursue through the police eventually, you will likely be called upon to describe the conversation in detail and need to be completely clear.

SpudsandGravy · 18/01/2021 22:14

@SnoozyBoozy

How did they find you and link you to your FIL? Are you sure they mean him and not someone with the same name? Who are they and how do they know him?

I would want to know all this first to make sure this person was firstly talking about the right person and how they knew him, and then I would most definitely talk to my DH about it. Yes, he could absolutely be an abuser, but on the flip side you could also ruin a man's reputation and your relationship with him, so I'd be inclined to get as much info as you can before taking it any further. I certainly wouldn't be rushing to the police at this stage.

This ^^

saraclara · 18/01/2021 22:18

Is there any means of replying to this person? Did they set up a FB page especially to contact you? Did the message contain any information that proves that she actually knows your FIL? Did they name him? Know anything about him?

Original poster

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 22:22

Thanks for all the responses. I can't respond to fb user as it just shows as anonymous and says no longer on fb. This message was sent last June (as I said it was in my spam messages folder so only found it today).

I'm in NI so no Sarah's law here, although think there is some sort of equivalent that you can request info via. As a pp said if there had been an investigation I really don't see how my MIL or even dh would not have known about it.

Had a roundabout conversation with my eldest dad about consent and telling me if anyone makes her uncomfortable, we've had the 'pants' discussion in the past as well.

My next step is to talk to DH and obviously remain vigilant around fil.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 22:25

Sorry should have said message called him by name but did say it was just a rumour and they hope it's not true. That makes me think they have no real evidence, for want of a better word, but I can see that could be me just being naive and not wanting to believe the worst.

OP posts:

StarsonaString · 18/01/2021 22:44

So the messenger is repeating 4th hand rumours? That is a little less worrying but still worth vigilence. I think your proposed actions seem proportionate and a Sarah's law request should be considered.

Off track slightly but this just prompted me to check other chats and have found a weird sexual message from a now deactivated (so anon) account sent a year ago. There are some right weirdos online.

BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 22:46

they've gone to a lot of effort, to reach out to you, knowing you have children.

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 22:48

@BlueThistles

they've gone to a lot of effort, to reach out to you, knowing you have children.

Not really. They sent her a message a year ago which she didn't read.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/01/2021 22:52

I despise anonymous messages and those who write them. This situation is no exception: I can't imagine who could in all conscience write that sort of message without at the very least offering a right of reply? Awful. I'm sorry this person has put you in such an impossible position

It's so hard to know what to do in these situations. But there are three things I would not do. First would be telling the police. This could only bring about devastating consequences because by their own admission the writer has no evidence and is basing their communication on rumour. The police are highly unlikely to act on that basis alone so you'd be no better off than before. Worse still, your own husband's father could be entirely innocent and would have his life ruined.

Second: I wouldn't apply for a disclosure under Sarah's Law were this even a possibility. Unfortunately IMO it represents a false safety blanket. All it would show is whether there's been a conviction. It's unlikely but not impossible that in these circumstances the family wouldn't know. But it would tell you nothing about what goes on in secret considering the conviction rate for crimes like this is extremely low.

Thirdly, ignoring isn't an option. It's too serious an accusation with potentially life-altering consequences for your own children. The risks are much too great.

Your decision that you will tell your DH and remain vigilant is, I think, the sensible and right first step. It's an awful moral dilemma and I'm sorry you're having to face it. Take care.

BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 22:56

Yes.. they sent it knowing she had children, they created a 'now deactivated' fb account, and acknowledged that it may just be a rumour.

I've seen Posters on here suggesting that they inform someone of 'affairs' 'sperm donor bf's' etc, via the same method.

I think the important thing now that is that OP has read it, and can now make a decision on what to do about it.

Good luck OP.. it's not an easy situation.

LochJessMonster · 18/01/2021 23:00

just a rumour, they have no proof, and ‘hope it’s not true’ - they haven’t got a clue what the truth is.
I personally would mention it to DH but ignore as a malicious message.

Just a question to consider- if the message had been about your own father, what would your reaction be?

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:01

@BlueThistles

Yes.. they sent it knowing she had children, they created a 'now deactivated' fb account, and acknowledged that it may just be a rumour.

I've seen Posters on here suggesting that they inform someone of 'affairs' 'sperm donor bf's' etc, via the same method.

I think the important thing now that is that OP has read it, and can now make a decision on what to do about it.

Good luck OP.. it's not an easy situation.

I don't agree with anonymous messaging of any kind , so maybe I'm biased.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/01/2021 23:07

I do doubt it’s malicious. Can’t imagine that anyone cares to spread that kind of rumors.

And I imagine otherwise. People will engage in all manner of hideously nasty, hole-in-corner and destructive behaviour especially if they think it can't be traced back to them. Anonymous notes and messages are a particularly unpleasant form of spite and unfortunately they're pretty prevalent (I've even seen OPS on MN asking other members whether they think it would be a good idea to write them. WTF)?

I'm not sure why this should be any harder to believe than the fact that abuse of women and children by men is sadly prolific.

If a child had come to me and told me they'd been abused, or I'd somehow uncovered it, you can bet I'd be responding completely differently. But there's no proof and no means of tracing the writer. So even if the OP stayed completely silent and remained vigilant, as many PPs (including me) have advised, this could still potentially ruin her children's relationship with her in-laws forever. And there'd be no comeback whatsoever for the grenade-thrower.

Clever. And, if this is indeed what's happened, utterly despicable.

Sewrainbow · 18/01/2021 23:09

Speak to your dh.

Yes there are child abusers about but there also vindicitive malicious bastards out there who make false allegations. An anonymous note is disgusting, if you know facts declare them appropriately, dont just repeat "rumours". I know of someone affected by this. The stated crimes are completely false and could be proved with dates etc but the persons receiving the anonymous notes wouldn't know it necessarily. The accused person and their family have gone through hell worrying about who believes the notes that were sent to various members of the community. I dont blame the receivers who raised the issue with ss and nspcc that was correct for them to do with no other knowledge of the people involved as children were concerned.

Shockingly malicious reports do happen and it makes me incandescent that the hoaxer has got away with it because they did it all anonymously and the police couldn't prove anything they've irreversibly changed the person I know and noone even knows for what reason they did it for ....

LiJo2015 · 18/01/2021 23:10

In this instance the safety of my child would trump the feelings of all others. As abusers can be anyone, and sadly tend to be family members i would do everything i could to get to the bottom of it.

CakeRequired · 18/01/2021 23:11

It could easily just be a malicious message. People aren't universally lined by everyone they know, there will be someone who doesn't like them. Someone who could quite easily say something to spread a rumour and ruin them. It's happened before, it will happen again.

However, being a pillar of the community means nothing. A man here was a scout leader, pillar of the community type, liked by all. He had over 100,000 images of children on his computers.

LagunaBubbles · 18/01/2021 23:12

Of course you need to tell your DH.

covetingthepreciousthings · 18/01/2021 23:14

I'd tell DH, I'd find this really hard to let go of as a malicious message.. but I'm not sure how you can find out more if you can't reply to the original message.

What an awful situation for you to be in.

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