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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Facebook Message about FIL

128 replies

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 10:28

Was checking my FB messenger today as someone had said they would message me about a work issue - as I am not 'FB friends' with them I was checking in the message request folder as I know sometimes messages from non friends get put in there as spam.

Came across a message from June 2020 that was from an anonymous user. It basically said they were contacting me as they had heard a rumour that my FIL was 'a danger to young children, particularly young girls'. They stressed that they had no proof of this but felt I should know as we are close to PILs and they often provide childcare for our two dds (4 and 7 yrs).

I really don't know what to do with this info. FIL has always been great with us and seems to be well liked in his local community. They live in a smallish town where everyone seems to know everyone so I really can't imagine a rumour like this staying quiet. Also my MIL is a really strong character who often takes him to task and I feel certain that if she was aware of anything he would no longer be in the house (in fact I think he would no longer be breathing).

I suppose my aibu is would I be unreasonable to just assume this has been sent by someone with a grudge against FIL or should I speak to my husband about it. He's an only child and idolises his dad so I can imagine this would be heartbreaking for him to contemplate.

If I do keep this quiet I will certainly be very vigilant with FIL especially round our dds.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 23:14

I don't agree with anonymous messaging of any kind , so maybe I'm biased.

I agree...

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:15

@LagunaBubbles

Of course you need to tell your DH.
This. And now.
SummerWhisper · 18/01/2021 23:22

Could you possibly find an excuse to use their computer next time you're there (don't take the children) and look at his search history?

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:23

@SummerWhisper

Could you possibly find an excuse to use their computer next time you're there (don't take the children) and look at his search history?
🙊 this advice gets worse!

Tell. Your DH.

Dessicator · 18/01/2021 23:27

The folder on Facebook isn't a spam folder , its for messages from people who aren't your facebook friend.
For some reason I cant see it on my phone only on my laptop.
It looks like someone set up an account to send you a message which went into your other folder, when you didnt respond they deleted that account .

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:29

@Dessicator

The folder on Facebook isn't a spam folder , its for messages from people who aren't your facebook friend. For some reason I cant see it on my phone only on my laptop. It looks like someone set up an account to send you a message which went into your other folder, when you didnt respond they deleted that account .
There's two. Message requests and spam.
OakSun · 18/01/2021 23:29

It sounds like someone close enough to you to know your kids are looked after by them, and it’s usually close people/family friends etc that are abused so I would talk to DH about it. It sounds like the made up a fake profile to contact you and deleted it when they didn’t hear back.
It sounds like someone who knows you/could be on your Facebook friend. Depending on what you post etc, could you post a message saying “if you sent me a message in June , I’ve only just seen it, can you get back in touch”. My profile would be sensible, I wouldn’t have lots of replies saying “you okay hun what’s happened”.

Nomorepies · 18/01/2021 23:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:33

@OakSun

It sounds like someone close enough to you to know your kids are looked after by them, and it’s usually close people/family friends etc that are abused so I would talk to DH about it. It sounds like the made up a fake profile to contact you and deleted it when they didn’t hear back. It sounds like someone who knows you/could be on your Facebook friend. Depending on what you post etc, could you post a message saying “if you sent me a message in June , I’ve only just seen it, can you get back in touch”. My profile would be sensible, I wouldn’t have lots of replies saying “you okay hun what’s happened”.
But (bearing in mind I hate anonymous messages )

IF you were close enough to OP to know he has the kids and are Facebook friends etc etc , if you really had valuable info about this, would you make a profile , send a message that isn't read them delete the profile and think oh well then? Really?

saraclara · 18/01/2021 23:34

Seriously though, what is there to tell? There is absolutely nothing that can be done here. The informant has deliberately disappeared. That makes me suspicious about their motives for a start. If you genuinely wanted someone to know something like that, surely you'd stick around so you could answer questions so that OP could gather evidence, even while remaining anonymous.

Reading this yourself, and your husband hearing this, are actually quite different. This risks his relationship with his father. He's not going to belive it, yet a seed has been sown that no-one can do anything about.

We all know that there are thousands of trolls on the internet. We all know there are gossips and chinese whispers in our communities. The messager has given absolutely no information of value. They've simply chucked a grenade into your life and then disappeared.

I don't think I'd say anything just yet, at least. The message has sat there for six months. I'd sleep on this for a fair while before throwing that grenade into your husband's life too.

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:38

I totally disagree sara.

Well, I agree on your first point as I said similar upthread.

But she absolutely cannot keep this from DH.

Nomorepies · 18/01/2021 23:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Sewrainbow · 18/01/2021 23:41

And don't forget it could be that the wrong "mr x" has been targeted. I sometimes think with the situation I'm aware of that maybe someone with the same name did commit the crime mentioned and the anonymous writer got the wrong one, but again why stop so low as to be anonymous and "chuck the grenade in" and walk away?

I don't understand people

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 23:41

If you were a true friend or concerned neighbour you wouldn't mind your identity being given. Someone with good intentions hearing a rumour is far less damaging than an anonymous message.

But I hate anonymous messages might have mentioned that

Kennypowerstesticle · 18/01/2021 23:54

I wouldn’t use the fact they’ve “disappeared” as a reason to not be concerned or to write off what they’ve said. That could be as simple as their account being under a fake name and Facebook removing it without their involvement at all. That happened to my account that I used for groups I wanted to join without using my real name. Someone didn’t like a post I made and reported me as a fake name. The only way I could get the account back was with ID (which I obviously didn’t have in the fake name!) so I couldn’t use it anymore.

In a similar scenario, this person could have made the account and messaged other people with children connected to FIL warning them about the same thing and one of those people reported it as a fake account meaning the account was deleted long before OP read her message.

PoleToPole · 19/01/2021 00:07

I think you should tell your DH.

I do not think you should discount it as the person said they had heard a rumour and they hoped it wasn´t true as that could just be someone trying to obscure their identity by making themselves seem more distanced from the situation than they are.

The message sender had no way of knowing if you would ask your FIL outright about it, and so by wording it that way it would make it harder for your FIL to guess who might have sent the message. If it was a victim of your FIL, they may try to hide their identity.

I would not jump to conclusions, speak to your DH, see if you can get the equivalent of the law disclosure, and I would personally not be keen on your PIL providing child care. What a horrible position to be in though Flowers

A very close friend of mine is a social worker, she has often said that there is rarely smoke without fire, and malicious reports are very uncommon.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/01/2021 00:17

A very close friend of mine is a social worker, she has often said that there is rarely smoke without fire, and malicious reports are very uncommon.

This wasn't a formal report to the Social Services, though. It was an anonymous message on the internet, sent by someone who by their own admission was basing their communication solely on rumour.

Not to diminish your SW friend's experiences, which I'm sure have a sound basis, the two scenarios are very different.

I, too, wouldn't be allowing childcare. I'd weigh this decision on the basis of the harm it would potentially cause my FiL or my children. The children's welfare wins, always.

lovelemoncurd · 19/01/2021 00:25

Jimmy Saville used to be an upstanding member of the community too!

I don't think you can use that as a good reason to do nothing. It's called grooming. It's how paedophiles infiltrate access to children!

Heyahun · 19/01/2021 00:32

Yikes it could just be a busy body - it could me malicious - the person is anonymous and they don’t even exist anymore it seems - so fake account?

They says it a rumour and they obviously didn’t find it important enough to try harder or more then once to get in touch with you!?

I really wouldn’t be getting to concerned about this without finding any actual truth / evidence tbh

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 00:36

We would all be concerned. Every one of us.

What we would do is perhaps different but I don't believe anyone wouls read it and go meh and never tell DH or think about it again.

Shoe on other foot, it's about your father and DH reads it and never tells you and you find ouut, MN would be hanging him.

saraclara · 19/01/2021 01:15

Jimmy Saville used to be an upstanding member of the community too!

Nope. He was always weird. And those whose charities he worked with were suspicious of him and didn't like him. But back then safeguarding and 'respect' for the famous who brought the cash in, meant they didn't do anything.

BlueThistles · 19/01/2021 01:20

@lovelemoncurd

Jimmy Saville used to be an upstanding member of the community too!

I don't think you can use that as a good reason to do nothing. It's called grooming. It's how paedophiles infiltrate access to children!

even seeing him in the tv screen gave me the boke 🤢

BlueThistles · 19/01/2021 01:20

*Boak even 🤢

saraclara · 19/01/2021 01:29

@saraclara

Jimmy Saville used to be an upstanding member of the community too!

Nope. He was always weird. And those whose charities he worked with were suspicious of him and didn't like him. But back then safeguarding and 'respect' for the famous who brought the cash in, meant they didn't do anything.

I should have said "back then lack of safeguarding..."
CostaDelCovid · 19/01/2021 02:21

@mindutopia

I too would ring the police and ask for a check to be done on him, though it's under Sarah's Law (not Claire's Law, which is for domestic violence).

It would be great if it was just malicious, but based on personal experience, I know all too well that where there is smoke there is usually fire. This has happened to me twice in relation to male family members who had (supervised) contact with my dc. Not the Facebook message bit, but being informed or finding out by chance about historical convictions against them. They also are upstanding members of the community, well liked, completely never something you would ever expect, both married (second marriages in both cases) to very outspoken intelligent women (one of whom actually works in an NHS safeguarding role!). Both of their partners and several other family members know about their convictions for child sex offences, and have been able to compartmentalise it and come up with some crazy explanation for why it's not really a big deal. In both cases, the child abused was a family member (in one case, his daughter from first marriage). Served prison time, on probation and sexual offenders registry for 10 years, etc. Everyone knew....except our generation. All the older family members kept it very much a secret. If I hadn't managed to find out by chance, I shudder to think what might have happened to my dc. They were at the time too little to really spend unsupervised time with these family members, but certainly as they got older, it's quite possible they would have.

I would take it seriously until you have a reason to believe it's untrue. If there is any way to contact the sender and ask for more details, that would be really helpful. But yes, definitely do the Sarah's Law request. It's very easy. You can do it in person or over the phone, usually through a safeguarding officer at your local police station.

I’m sorry but I take issue with the “Where there is smoke there is usually fire” That’s a horrendous statement that pretty much equates to “If someone is accused of someone they’re usually guilty” You can say such things. Remember the Cliff Richard raid? He had similar accusations made and had his house raided and his reputation tarnished for life. Mud sticks. True fans I’m sure never believed it, but people still refer to him as awful slurs for ‘paedo’ etc. Yet absolutely ZERO evidence was ever found. Absolutely nothing whatsoever. (No I’m not a Cliff fan! Just felt terrible for the bloke)

Please don’t use that saying