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AIBU?

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Original poster

Facebook Message about FIL

128 replies

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 10:28

Was checking my FB messenger today as someone had said they would message me about a work issue - as I am not 'FB friends' with them I was checking in the message request folder as I know sometimes messages from non friends get put in there as spam.

Came across a message from June 2020 that was from an anonymous user. It basically said they were contacting me as they had heard a rumour that my FIL was 'a danger to young children, particularly young girls'. They stressed that they had no proof of this but felt I should know as we are close to PILs and they often provide childcare for our two dds (4 and 7 yrs).

I really don't know what to do with this info. FIL has always been great with us and seems to be well liked in his local community. They live in a smallish town where everyone seems to know everyone so I really can't imagine a rumour like this staying quiet. Also my MIL is a really strong character who often takes him to task and I feel certain that if she was aware of anything he would no longer be in the house (in fact I think he would no longer be breathing).

I suppose my aibu is would I be unreasonable to just assume this has been sent by someone with a grudge against FIL or should I speak to my husband about it. He's an only child and idolises his dad so I can imagine this would be heartbreaking for him to contemplate.

If I do keep this quiet I will certainly be very vigilant with FIL especially round our dds.

OP posts:
CostaDelCovid · 19/01/2021 02:23

*Something
*Can’t

Phone on it’s way out!!

Sinful8 · 19/01/2021 02:26

@combatbarbie

Hmm I'm very much of the "there's no smoke without fire" camp and I suspect a Sarah's law request would not throw up anything..... However that's not to say he hadn't done anything, just means he hadn't been reported.

I'd be wary. Why contact you? It's obviously someone known to the family if they have seeker you out and know you have DC.

combatbarbie is a danger to small children especially little girls.

Theres your smoke, wheres the fire?

Sinful8 · 19/01/2021 02:31

@NoraSeed

Sorry should have said message called him by name but did say it was just a rumour and they hope it's not true. That makes me think they have no real evidence, for want of a better word, but I can see that could be me just being naive and not wanting to believe the worst.
You know it would be relatively simple to script to take the name from the profile, put it in a generic "peado" message and just send it to any account that had say commented on thier wall.
lazylump72 · 19/01/2021 07:54

OP you seem to me to be a very sensible lady ..deep down what is your gut feeling about this? Could it be possible?

Heyahun · 19/01/2021 08:40

You could potentially start a bog drama and spread the rumour further and ruin the mans life! Be very careful how you approach this !! Throwing accusations around without evidence is a dangerous game too

jamesfailedmarshmallows · 19/01/2021 08:51

Going against the grain here, but there often is smoke without fire. People make 'paedo' accusations a lot, whether it's custody battles, general vendetta, or a job that rubs people up the wrong way (parking wardens and town planning, for example). This woman has no proof, and furthermore hasn't even got an allegation, just a rumour that he is prone to liking girls Hmm

OP I'd be vigilant with your dc just as you should be with anyone, but I would not assume he is a child abuser because of this. I would definitely tell your DH. Remember people's lives have been ruined by (false) paedo allegations that have been made. It's very easy for someone to send anyone a message of 'warning'.

AlternativePerspective · 19/01/2021 08:56

Good god, it’s easy to see how someone could start a malicious rumour like this when the automatic go-to is “there’s no smoke without fire.”

I would contact the police with the name and FB details of the sender of the message and get them to investigate.

Just because someone is a decent human being doesn’t make them a paedophile.

You know absolutely nothing about this anonymous sender or their motives and IMO if they were legit they’d have no qualms in identifying themselves.

Indoctro · 19/01/2021 09:04

Nearly all child abusers are a close family or friend.
Often pillars of the community
Do not let this man near your children.
It's a very strange rumour to make up, I also believe in no smoke without fire and I wouldn't chance it with my kids I'm afraid

I would be telling DH and my children would never be left alone at GP house ever again.

Heyahun · 19/01/2021 09:07

What if it’s not true though @NoraSeed
The op may lose her husband as well tbh with this jumping to conclusions and saying the children are never to see their grandfather again!

By all means look into it and try find evidence etc - but jumping straight into causing because an of a Facebook message from a stranger...

crowsfeet57 · 19/01/2021 09:41

Please take this seriously.

To my knowledge I have come across 2 child abusers who were involved with my children, although, thankfully they were not victims. The first case was a man who was popular with the school and church community, he had a lovely family and a large group of friends. NONE of us had an inkling until the court case, a lot of our children had been on playdates at their house, although one bizarre incident did make sense once we knew. His wife knew and despite them having three young children tried to cover for him.

The second person was a relative who we see very infrequently. Luckily someone told me about the rumours when we were on holiday in their country, because while we were visiting another relative he was there and took my young daughter out of her car seat when were about to leave so he could 'show her something.' Again family members covered for him to protect his wife. I have known him since I was 16 and he has always creeped me out.

Think back to anything you thought was odd in the past, if the rumour is true something may suddenly make sense.

Alexandernevermind · 19/01/2021 09:48

I think this is a really horrible situation to be in, made worse by the fact it was an anonymous message, so you can't ask questions. Does your FIL have enemies?
Be cautious both ways, the fact that it was anonymous would make me wonder if it was malicious, but it would be unwise not to be vigilant. Speak to your DH.

LochJessMonster · 19/01/2021 18:37

If you got an anonymous fb saying

‘I heard that your father is a danger to young children. Just a rumour, haven’t got any proof.’

most people on here would just shake their head and delete it.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 19:58

@Heyahun

What if it’s not true though *@NoraSeed* The op may lose her husband as well tbh with this jumping to conclusions and saying the children are never to see their grandfather again!

By all means look into it and try find evidence etc - but jumping straight into causing because an of a Facebook message from a stranger...

Why would she lose her husband?

Hey husband I've got this weird message Vs husband finds out OP hid it and snooped about for evidence behind his back

Which one is riskier?

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 19:58

@LochJessMonster

If you got an anonymous fb saying

‘I heard that your father is a danger to young children. Just a rumour, haven’t got any proof.’

most people on here would just shake their head and delete it.

Mmm.

Not in the real world

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 20:06

@LochJessMonster

If you got an anonymous fb saying

‘I heard that your father is a danger to young children. Just a rumour, haven’t got any proof.’

most people on here would just shake their head and delete it.

If the father was a danger, usually his children would have grown up being fully aware of that.
Thehouseofmarvels · 19/01/2021 20:06

I know of a situation where a person who is a doting grandfather to his granddaughter according to his daughters social media was extremely abusive to his children and stepchildren. The type of abuse that could easily have caused a prison sentence if reported.
I do wonder if the child's father knows of the horrific nature of the abuse because it is like something out if a misery lit novels. His daughter is insane to allow contact with either of her parents but some people are utterly desperate to create an impression of a happy family especially if they meet a husband (now ex) who is rich and famous as is the case in this situation. In short I could send a message like this and it would indeed by the truth. So please tread carefully, as sometimes families do have skeletons in the closet. In addition I read something on here where a woman and her husband found out that her husband's estranged half sister had gone to the police about being abused by his father. They discovered that husbands parents both knew but had covered up and cut off half sister so they could play happy families. Dad had apparently been a wonderful gamily man. In this case if an anonymous message had been sent it would also be the truth.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 20:07

@SnowFields not true necessarily.

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 20:08

Regardless of what you do, take this as an opportunity to make sure your daughters know the right terminology for their genitals and the importance of not keeping secrets etc. It doesn’t matter if you feel uncomfortable or awkward explaining to them where their vulva is or anything else. It’s an important lesson even without having worries about your FIL.

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 20:11

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@SnowFields not true necessarily.[/quote]
That’s why I said usually. Because usually it’s a relative who abuses the child. It’s unfortunately quite usual for a child sex offender to abuse his own child/ren or stepchildren. Sometimes the abuser is an uncle or cousin but they often don’t have the same level of access.

ElizaLaLa · 19/01/2021 20:30

I'd assume that it's someone he's abused and they are trying to warn you.

That or a malicious accusation. Maybe another woman he's dumped.

Whatsmyusername30 · 19/01/2021 20:39

Oh god op, how awful. It could be just malicious rumours but there could be something in it. Could you reply? They say have no proof so it could just be complete nonsense tbh.

A relative of mine was often called a pedo in the community for no reason. We know he’s done nothing. I’m not just saying this because he’s a relative. I would dis own him without a doubt if he was but it was a bitter woman making malicious rumours because he’s just a bit ‘odd’. He has a car accident which left him disabled and a bit messed up physically and emotionally. There was nothing on him. He doesn’t have access to the internet as he’s not tech savvy so it’s nothing alone those lines for sure . He lives with an elderly relative and he doesn’t really go anywhere and it’s just impossible. So it was complete utter crap.

Thehouseofmarvels · 19/01/2021 20:42

It's a very vindictive way for someone to behave if this is totally untrue. and so one way of approaching things is to figure out if FIL could have fallen out with anyone. I'd probably start a general conversation about having falling out with people and talking about difficult people I have encountered. I'd try to get him talking about difficult people he had encountered, people he has fallen out with in his life. If possible I'd try to link it to something current so for example if you know of people at work who have fallen out you could act like that sparked the conversation. Basically if he admits that he has had a big falling out with a particular person and think that person could possibly be capable of vindictive behaviour then that could be a clue. If this is false and vindictive something pretty major must have happened between him and someone. I don't think this is the sort of thing that happens if you have a mild disagreement.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 21:16

@SnowFields no I get that. But then by the same role dismissing the idea because his own children don't know about it...

I personally think OP needs to stop reading what it's, tell DH and go from there

HitchFlix · 19/01/2021 21:26

Don't ignore this whatever you do. Imagine your DDs suffered and you didn't nothing to stop it - you'd never forgive yourself. You can't be vigilant if they're providing childcare can you? You won't be there. There's absolutely no way I'd let him have access to my children until I got to the bottom of this.

BlueThistles · 19/01/2021 21:30

How are you @NoraSeed 🌺