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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Facebook Message about FIL

128 replies

NoraSeed · 18/01/2021 10:28

Was checking my FB messenger today as someone had said they would message me about a work issue - as I am not 'FB friends' with them I was checking in the message request folder as I know sometimes messages from non friends get put in there as spam.

Came across a message from June 2020 that was from an anonymous user. It basically said they were contacting me as they had heard a rumour that my FIL was 'a danger to young children, particularly young girls'. They stressed that they had no proof of this but felt I should know as we are close to PILs and they often provide childcare for our two dds (4 and 7 yrs).

I really don't know what to do with this info. FIL has always been great with us and seems to be well liked in his local community. They live in a smallish town where everyone seems to know everyone so I really can't imagine a rumour like this staying quiet. Also my MIL is a really strong character who often takes him to task and I feel certain that if she was aware of anything he would no longer be in the house (in fact I think he would no longer be breathing).

I suppose my aibu is would I be unreasonable to just assume this has been sent by someone with a grudge against FIL or should I speak to my husband about it. He's an only child and idolises his dad so I can imagine this would be heartbreaking for him to contemplate.

If I do keep this quiet I will certainly be very vigilant with FIL especially round our dds.

OP posts:
bourbonne · 19/01/2021 21:41

@PoleToPole

I think you should tell your DH.

I do not think you should discount it as the person said they had heard a rumour and they hoped it wasn´t true as that could just be someone trying to obscure their identity by making themselves seem more distanced from the situation than they are.

The message sender had no way of knowing if you would ask your FIL outright about it, and so by wording it that way it would make it harder for your FIL to guess who might have sent the message. If it was a victim of your FIL, they may try to hide their identity.

I would not jump to conclusions, speak to your DH, see if you can get the equivalent of the law disclosure, and I would personally not be keen on your PIL providing child care. What a horrible position to be in though Flowers

A very close friend of mine is a social worker, she has often said that there is rarely smoke without fire, and malicious reports are very uncommon.

I agree with this. If the sender is someone who has experienced the abuse themselves, or perhaps it happened to a loved one, it is completely understandable that they might not want to write "Your FIL did X to me/my niece at this place and time". They will not want to put themselves in the firing line for retaliation, shame, being called a liar.

I am quite shocked at how keen some posters are to dismiss this out of hand. I've done a mere half-day's safeguarding course and it's drummed into me that you do not shrug these things off. Taking action to find out more and protect your children is not the same thing as publicly branding your FIL an abuser and "ruining his reputation".

Let us hope it isn't true, but wow it must hurt for any victim of abuse who wasn't listened to, to be reading this thread.

SnowFields · 19/01/2021 21:43

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@SnowFields no I get that. But then by the same role dismissing the idea because his own children don't know about it...

I personally think OP needs to stop reading what it's, tell DH and go from there[/quote]
Oh no, I didn’t mean to dismiss it at all. Definitely not.

Heyahun · 19/01/2021 21:50

I meant if she accuses the father in law and it turns out not to be true - her husband would quite rightly be upset / angry etc - if someone abused my dad of this and it wasn’t true I’d probably distance myself from them massively tbh - the whole family would be right to cut ties with her tbh

BlueThistles · 19/01/2021 21:55

@Heyahun

I meant if she accuses the father in law and it turns out not to be true - her husband would quite rightly be upset / angry etc - if someone abused my dad of this and it wasn’t true I’d probably distance myself from them massively tbh - the whole family would be right to cut ties with her tbh

She's not accusing... She would be asking/sharing the email .. 🌺

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/01/2021 22:01

To those who've said not to tell DH but also to be vigilant, how can OP do that effectively without his knowing? If for example he wanted to take the DCs over to PIL's place alone and she wasn't keen on that, what could she possible say?

Nobody knows whether there's anything in this or not, but either they're a team or they're not - and if they are he obviousy needs to know, though hopefully OP would phrase it as being horrified by the message rather than about FIL

MondeoFan · 19/01/2021 22:09

Let us know how you get on from here

ktp100 · 19/01/2021 22:22

You really need to weigh up the consequences here - yes your DH may be upset if told & it could cause some family tension BUT if you don't and something was to happen with your girls you would never forgive yourself and your girls would be scarred for life.

I think you have to air this with everyone, you have to do a Sarah's Law check, you have to message the person back for more details and you have to seriously think about leaving your girls in his care moving forward.

Your job is not to manage the emotions of adults in the family, it's to advocate for your daughters.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.x.

AliceMcK · 19/01/2021 22:31

Fine upstanding and likeable members of the community, even small communities where everyone knows everyone can have secrets. Most child abusers are just like this, that’s how they get away with it.

I’d definitely want more info. I’d contact the police as suggested but also be asking for more information from the messenger. And I’d be keeping my eyes open around my DDs and him and even questioning them. I have 3 DDs and from a very early age I’ve thought them and safe and unsafe touching and that they never ever keep secrets from me.

SunshineCake · 19/01/2021 22:33

"If the father was a danger, usually his children would have grown up being fully aware of that."

A dangerous and naive thought process.

Wheresmykimchi · 19/01/2021 22:46

@SunshineCake

"If the father was a danger, usually his children would have grown up being fully aware of that."

A dangerous and naive thought process.

I don't agree with it but let's not call it naive. We don't know the history o posters on such sensitive thread.
nanbread · 19/01/2021 23:31

To those who've said not to tell DH but also to be vigilant, how can OP do that effectively without his knowing? If for example he wanted to take the DCs over to PIL's place alone and she wasn't keen on that, what could she possible say?

Well presumably they won't be happening for some time given it would be illegal, which gives the OP quite a few weeks to look into it and try to work out if there is any foundation for this rumour before she tells her DH.

HitchFlix · 20/01/2021 00:08

I am quite shocked at how keen some posters are to dismiss this out of hand.

I wish I could say the same but I've seen in real life how quick some parents are to put their DC at risk. So many people are still so naive/negligent when it comes to potential predators.

SunshineCake · 20/01/2021 16:07

"I don't agree with it but let's not call it naive. We don't know the history o posters on such sensitive thread."

Irrelevant and nonsensical.

Brainwave89 · 20/01/2021 16:48

In a work environment I have seen people making the most hideous untrue accusations where they have a grudge, and sometimes over quite small things. One guy spread a rumour that his colleague was a sex offender purely as he got a job he thought he should have got. The reason he did this was purely that such allegations can be devastating, and really difficult to refute. As you can see from this thread, there will inevitably be a large group of people who will say "no smoke without fire" with no evidence what so ever. Yes by all means see if you can contact the sender, but also speak to your DH about the note you have received.

BlueThistles · 20/01/2021 16:57

nobody knows either way ...

saraclara · 20/01/2021 17:04

I'm absolutely not dismissing it. But I know someone who actively told me she planned to lie and accuse her ex of child abuse, so that he'd have no say in preventing her from moving to another country with their child and her new bloke.

So I know there are liars prepared to ruin people's lives, out there.

I wish I knew the answer to OP's plight. I really wish the person who messaged her had stuck around to answer questions, even anonymously. But I hate the phrase 'there's no smoke without fire' because it's not always the case.

Wheresmykimchi · 20/01/2021 21:29

@SunshineCake

"I don't agree with it but let's not call it naive. We don't know the history o posters on such sensitive thread."

Irrelevant and nonsensical.

Right. So if PP said that because perhaps she or someone she knows wasn't aware that their own father was abusing other children , we shouldn't consider it because it's irrelevant and nonsensical?? Quite right. Let's just say what we like to strangers we don't know on a sensitive issue because we want to be RIGHT. Brilliant.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2021 21:38

Presumably they won't be happening for some time given it would be illegal

Apologies for the late reply, but in the context of my post, how would it be illegal if OP had doubts about her DH taking the DCs to visit without her?

Obviously she couldn't stop him, but the law doesn't yet cover feelings - and if she doesn't tell him, they're feelings she wouldn't be able to discuss

Wheresmykimchi · 20/01/2021 21:48

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Presumably they won't be happening for some time given it would be illegal

Apologies for the late reply, but in the context of my post, how would it be illegal if OP had doubts about her DH taking the DCs to visit without her?

Obviously she couldn't stop him, but the law doesn't yet cover feelings - and if she doesn't tell him, they're feelings she wouldn't be able to discuss

Covid police.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2021 21:58

Oh I see, kimchi - you're right, and for once I didn't think of that!! Blush

SunshineCake · 20/01/2021 22:04

That's nothing at all like I said or meant @Wheresmykimchi. This isnt about me being right. There isn't a question of me to be right on answering. It is about a potential abuser getting near a child.

Wheresmykimchi · 20/01/2021 22:08

@SunshineCake

That's nothing at all like I said or meant *@Wheresmykimchi*. This isnt about me being right. There isn't a question of me to be right on answering. It is about a potential abuser getting near a child.
Sorry Sunshine I misread it the second time.

I originally thought the PP was maybe coming at it from a place of an experience where she was painfully aware and maybe didn't think that sometimes people don't - and that's when I originally said your response wasn't sensitive on a sensitive topic.

I've made a right hash of that , so let's just move on Grin

Nonamesavail · 20/01/2021 22:11

I would talk to DH and then eventually MIL and just find out what could have been going on x

katy1213 · 20/01/2021 22:13

First off, you need to tell your husband.

SunshineCake · 20/01/2021 22:28

Fine with me.