Single Parent Joining The Army

[wannabesolider]

Hello!

Posting here mostly for traffic!

I am in the midst of a uni application for nursing, I am mostly certain I will be successful in gaining a place, I already have the grades (equivalent to 3 A's at A-Level). Once I have an offer I am debating whether to join the army and nurses are a high priority trade they are recruiting for, also the generous bursary they offer is appealing. I'm just looking for advice on whether it is feasible or just a pipe dream.

DD will be 3 by the time my degree starts and will be 6 before I commence army training and start serving, I do have childcare options for deployment between family and a nanny and then once old enough will look at the option to place her in boarding school.

Does anyone have experience as a single parent in the forces? Aibu to even think about it?

I am aware of the forces lifestyle as I was a military brat myself that went to boarding school (cheap private school fees is a bonus!). However, my parents were together until my mid teens and I was already at boarding school. My daughter's father has no involvement.

I think you need to wait and see how your daughter is when she’s older. She may be absolutely fine and not mind you going away for long periods/ like boarding school, but she may not. As a single parent then I think you do bear more responsibility. And having seen the mental health issues which affect kids, particularly girls, I personally would do everything to avoid boarding schools.

OP, what is your Plan B? What would you do if, for instance, your mother becomes unable to help out, or your daughter hates boarding school?

I think that's hideous thing to do to your child. She will possibly already have abandonment issues due to her father wanting nothing to do with her - now her mother wants to leave her too? What's wrong with you?

If you had no qualifications/job prospects at all and wanted to join the army to put a roof over her head, then I might think differently but you'll have a nursing degree and have no need to leave her. Just get a job in a hospital and parent your child for goodness sake.

Nice.

Dump your kid whilst you go and do what you want🤬

No way. The best times with your children ime is between reception and Year 7. How awful for your child to spend her life in boarding school. You must really love her. She sounds like an unwanted hindrance to your career.

My ex was the child of RAF parents. He went to boarding school age 7. Fucked him up for life good and proper.

Hope you’re proud of your decision🤮

I was in the Army nearly six years but left during maternity leave after my first son was born. I left because I'd seen how mothers, particularly single mothers, were treated and I didn't fancy it.

If you're child wakes up sick and you can't get child care, the whole unit will know by lunch time how jack you are and you'll be the subject of convo for the day. If your aupair or childminder quits or cancels due to sickness, again, you get slagged off. They'll let you go obviously but you'll get slagged off. If your child is sick at school and you need to collect them early or you can't get childcare for the last minute week long exercise that's just been sprung on you? There's actually uproar when a mum gets taken off or doesn't go on an exercise/deployment due to childcare reasons because it means you need to be replaced by someone who's probably already been away. I've seen mothers, both single and with a spouse, get slagged off daily over and over again simply for being and doing what's expected of a mum.

"If you can't do your job you shouldn't be in the army" is a favourite for soldiers to say and that covers everything - exercises, deployments, working 8-5, physical training etc. I saw mothers worrying themselves sick trying to juggle everything (some signed off sick for a few months) and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, thinking about it, my husband never gets slagged off when he asks for an afternoon off for a school play or something so make of that what you will.

To be fair though, it's not just mums. If anyone doesn't perform 100% like a soldier is meant to for whatever reason then they're slagged off. I got it for about five months when I developed pneumonia and a plural effusion. I was on 16 tablets a day and spent two weeks in hospital but was still slagged off because I couldn't participate in exercises or physical training for a few months. Also reminds me of the time a soldier didn't come to work on a Monday because he'd been diagnosed with leukaemia over the weekend. When I told his Sgt he started effing and blinding saying he was obviously faking and I had better ring him to tell him to get to work or else. Basically, it's a very toxic environment if, through no fault of your own, you can't give 100%.

My husband is still in the Army. We both deployed and went on exercise or course a fair few times per year often at short notice so I didn't fancy the irregularities that brought while parenting. We could each go away for up to nine months per year so figured it would be hell for the person who remained at home juggling everything. Even worse if that person was then deployed too - what would we do with our child if we were both away at the same time? We decided it just wasn't fair bringing up our son like that. Leaving a child with an aupair while the parent/s are just coming in and out of their life wasn't for us. Plus potentially moving around every 3-5 years changing schools and friends. No thanks, it's not the life for a child so I left. We bought a house shortly after to give him more stability after having to move twice in 4 years.

I personally wouldn't use boarding school but a few of the seniors did and they seemed to like it. There's no guarantee your child will like it though so you'd need to find a plan B. There's also no guarantee you'll be home during their time off either. However, saying that, you want to be a military nurse and they don't get attached to units so I very much doubt you'll be away much at all. I don't think I ever saw a military nurse and definitely didn't while I was away. Also, I imagine the people you'll be working with are much more mature and understanding than the people I was working with.

Why have you even bothered posting on here if you’re unable to hear anything that disagrees with you?

My mum regrets sending my eldest brother to boarding school. She missed his childhood, his growing up, milestones. So much so that the rest of us didn't go. Dad was a career soldier. She always said it should be a single man's army.

If you asked this question to a room full of military families the answers would be 'sure yeah it's doable we all pull together to help each other crack on'
Asking this on a non military forum gives you different responses. Ultimately you know your child and your network for support and you know once in a unit that support just grows . If it feels right to you, go with your gut and best of luck to you with your bee career !

@tara66 28.

@GarlicMonkey I don't have attachments issues, I'm looking into it, I've not made any decisions - I wanted experience from people who may have done the same or have experience of their children with serving parents as obviously not all cope well and I am aware of that. You can leave you know, I'm not permanently stuck if it doesn't work for us and severely impacts her. Anyway 'could' doesn't mean 'will'

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow oh wow. Did you mean to stoop that low? Unfit parent? Unloving? Just because I am debating joining the armed forces. Have a word with yourself.

@year5teacher I posted here asking for experiences of people who actually have experience of military children, preferably single parents, not know it all mums who don't actually have any idea what it's like.

@wannabesolider wow great respect to you! I come from a family of Servicemen and they have all been well looked after. Follow your dreams you only have one life. You also have great support so nothing stopping you. Good luck xx

I think the fact you are a Lp with no fathers involvement makes it different

I have a ds- lp.. we are very close. I would worry about tge security base.. older maybe at 3 she really needs you

The idea of long periods of time not seeing either parent. I have seen the videos when Dad returns from seevice. Your mum whilst i am sure is loving is not her parent.

Think long and hard about this.

I certainly would be considering the RN or RAF before the Army. A little more stability as fewer postings.

I’m an ex RN nurse. My ex husband is still serving in the RN. My ex partner is RAF medical. My mother, father and brother were Army. So I have some knowledge, and friends I joined with who are still serving (nurses).

I’m not anti boarding school (I went myself) and I’m not anti military (obviously) but I think you need to remove the rose tinted specs and obtain a whole lot of up to date relevant information. And not necessarily from the recruitment offices either, their knowledge of processes and procedures for military nurses can be lacking.

The military can be an amazing experience, with so many possibilities and opportunities. But at the end of the day you’re a number (literally) and depending on your posting/drafting and your CO it could go either way.

Don’t let your daughter be a casualty.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think any parent who wants to send their kid to boarding school is an unfit parent tbh. I’ve seen the damage it’s done.

If an older kids chooses to go, that’s different, but little ones? Never

Given that you have such prejudices I think that you should refrain from commenting on the OP's thread. I'm sure you spend all your time campaigning for the closure of boarding schools when you're not being an anonymous arsehole to single parents on parenting sites.

It is very sad. Your little girl is only 2 and you are already planning how you are going to leave her with the family members for a prolonged time and then just dump her in the boarding schchool.

Studying when DC are little is hard but doable. The reward for that is being able to spend more time with them when they are at that brief, golden age of about 6-12, when they're big enough to do so many fun things together and they've yet to reach the potentially awkward teenage years. That's the age when the strongest 'family' memories are made, IME.

You sound determined to spend as little time as possible with your daughter. And as if (only a little bit more) money is far more important to you than love, being a parent, or a family. Almost as though you're looking for excuses to get away from her.

As an only child of a single parent, she's on her own in many ways, and more often then most people, already. I cannot understand why your focus is not on improving her sense of security and closeness to the family she does have, as well as making many, strong friendships.

It's great that your mum is around and will be close to her but not instead of you.

Why did you have a child? Was she an accident? One you still haven't really accepted?

@Whereisthechicken thank you for that insight, that is so helpful! Just what I was looking for!

Mum said the same - dad's Sgt was expecting mum to pick up the slack with the children, dad never did, mum's bosses used to boot off about it and mum go slagged off to the nines, although she holds her own and won't take any shit from anyone. I had thought the army may have adapted more and wouldn't take up a trade that is quite a mobile one - my first thought was combat medic but I've decided against that as they are much more mobile than nurses and get far more deployment. Even now my mum wishes she stayed in for longer. Mum wasn't all that mobile and never went away so I'd hope that I got the same, but I know you never know.

OP you posted on AIBU. By making that choice, you invited large numbers of argumentative responses, to the question 'Am I Being Unreasonable?'. You can hardly be surprised to discover that many people's answer is 'yes'.

You could have posted on the 'single parents' board. You didn't.

Choices have consequences.

I was a forces child so can only speak from a point of my own experience.
I loved it. Granted time spent with my dad was limited during my childhood but he more than made up for that when he was on leave and then when he discharged. I never felt I was missing out probably because all of the children I knew were living a similar life.

My friend joined the Navy when her son was 5. It meant relocating to the other end of the country and some periods of him boarding when she was away. She was actually at home with him a lot more than you would think. He's 12 now very well educated bright, confident and at the moment his future plan is to join the RAF. He does miss his mum when she's away but he boards with other forces children and doesn't feel alone.

He is very proud of his mum and knows the life he has now and the opportunities her job has given him are so much better that the life he would have had in the city they originally lived in.

I was a single parent for years. I did a job l didn’t want to do so l could provide for my son without sending him to boarding school.

I was a single parent as RAF boarding school had messed his father up big time. He was sent away age 7. With his teddy.

@lottiegarbanzo absolutely none of that is true.

I haven't decided on anything, if I was going going be deployed or moved every 5 mins I wouldn't do it but not all trades are THAT mobile. A lot of the time it would be no different to the NHS and would in fact be mostly based at NHS hospitals etc.

OP, you haven't said what your Plan B is if for any reason your mother isn't able to help or boarding school doesn't work out?