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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have hated my wedding day

113 replies

Bananramapants · 16/01/2021 11:14

It was five years ago but I hated it. I hate being the centre of attention but had a fair number of guests to keep husband happy. I felt fat and was probably suffering pnd too. I cringe when I think of how shit I looked and when I think of the speeches and how I sweated and looked awful because I hate people staring at me, so 80 approx people staring was the worst thing in the world. I shouldn’t be thinking about it because I’m low today but I feel so sad about it.

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 16/01/2021 11:20

I didn't really like a lot of my wedding day either. It wasn't what I wanted, I'm painfully introverted and was dragged from one guest to another by MIL (people I'd never even met). I didn't get a piece of my own wedding cake because I was doing the rounds. I could see DH, the groomsmen and my family laughing and eating and having a great time while I struggled to make small talk with person after person. I barely even saw DH all day.

I hated my dress too but that was my fault because I found the shop intimidating and just said yes to the first one.

BUT I figure it was a marriage, not a wedding so have let it go in some ways and the marriage has been just fine. I do wish it had been different but I was young and lacked confidence.

ShowOfHands · 16/01/2021 11:24

It's okay to feel this way btw. Should have said that. My mate got married before Covid and had what she wanted. It was relaxed and wonderful and she had a ball. I felt moments of utter sadness. And I do cringe when I remember elements of it (me crying and sweating during speeches - everybody said aww thinking I was happy and overwhelmed with it, I was close to panic and feeling like a goldfish in a bowl).

Should have run away and done it in Gretna like I wanted.

DH offered for us to do a renewal but people would just assume one or the other of us had had an affair.

teuer · 16/01/2021 11:25

That was then and now is now. Are you happy with DH? It is sad that it wasn’t the day you wanted and felt uncomfortable. But it was one day out of your whole lifetime. There are huge expectations on wedding days and I bet if more people were truly honest they would say it wasn’t how they wanted it to be. Can you do something nice for yourself today to take your focus off your Wedding day? You don’t deserve to spend the day making yourself feel more miserable.

Kittytheteapot · 16/01/2021 11:27

It's not an uncommon feeling. I had a panic attack at the church door and barely made it through the service. Some kind people said 'Ah, how moved Kitty is, how lovely.' Truth is, I am disgusted by my behaviour and deeply embarrassed by it. The wedding reception wasn't what I wanted either. I spent the whole of the first part in a receiving line, people queued for hours to get in, because they couldnt bypass the queue. I was embarrassed for them. We needed someone to push people through, just say a quick congratulations and move on. Instead everyone spoke to everyone in the receiving line for minutes at a time. It was awful. And yes, I am not confident about my looks and still don't look at my photos and think 'beautiful bride' even though there is a school of thought that all brides look radiant on their day.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It isn't the wedding that counts. It is the marriage. Is all going well there?

Original poster

Bananramapants · 16/01/2021 11:30

Thank you both for your comments. ShowOfHands, really sorry that you had a similar experience but I’m reassured that I’m not alone. We have a good marriage, it just wasn’t what I wanted. I would have been happy with Gretna Green! Oh well. You’re right and it was just one day. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Bananramapants · 16/01/2021 11:31

Thanks Kitty. All good in marriage. We have the odd problem but we’re good at working through things
Sorry you had a hard time too.

OP posts:

littlepeas · 16/01/2021 11:33

I really don’t like unnecessary formality and hate being centre of attention - we went quite low key, but I still found it hard and had quite a bad headache for most the the day. I wanted a different dress to the one I had and will always regret that a little bit (was a bit more expensive and felt bad as my mum was paying, plus such a fuss was made about the one I ended up with I ended up being carried along with that - I did look nice in it, but it was less ‘me’).

Heavymetaldetector · 16/01/2021 11:34

I totally hear you. I wish in some ways I could do ours again very differently. With about ten guests and a lovely meal or something. Your wedding day has to be this magical perfect day on which you look the best you ever ever ever looked and I certainly didn't! It was so windy and rainy my hair was ruined in minutes. I'm a wheelchair user but can walk so I wheeled up to the aisle then felt I shouldn't get back in it for the rest of the day and made myself delirious with exhaustion and pain and at the end I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep. I didn't spend much on the wedding as I was more looking forward to being married than the actual day but for months afterwards I wished I could do it again, better and kinder to myself. If you're feeling low today then crappy memories will bubble to the surface, try to occupy your mind with something else? Pop a film on or ring someone? Easier said than done I know xxxx

littlepeas · 16/01/2021 11:35

So, the whole ‘best day of your life’ thing is a fallacy really. It’s a bit like NYE - so much expectation and it’s tough for the reality to match the build up.

Wiredforsound · 16/01/2021 11:35

I didn’t really enjoy mine either. It was exhausting making sure everything ran smoothly in the run up to the day. My DH wanted a big wedding so we had the full scale wedding in a castle, 80 people, giant wedding cake, 4 bridesmaids, a full band. I was trussed up into a full corset of a wedding dress and cathedral veil. Vintage cars - the full works. God, in retrospect it is a ferocious waste of effort, time and money. I went along with it because that’s what my friends had done, but if I ever did it again it would be immediate family and friends, a pretty registry office and a nice meal in a great restaurant or gastropub. I think a lot of people, particularly women, feel like us.

Littleideasbigbook · 16/01/2021 11:40

I hated mine too. I married the wrong person and even though it was a 'cheapish' wedding (about 5k) add divorce costs I spent 7-8k on a dead marriage that left me with emotional scats and broken bones.I would never bother again.

However, if you have a good marriage then focus on that. You will NOT have looked shit at all. You will look at your wedding photos when you are 80 and think you looked lovely and will think 'My marriage was great' and that is all that matters isn't it OP?

rc22 · 16/01/2021 11:48

I enjoyed mine at the time but looking back on it I cringe and feel increasingly embarrassed by it. I'm quite an introverted person and fiercely private so stress all the time about the idea that people might have judged me on my choices about my wedding!! I try to comfort myself by thinking about all the weddings I've been to and asking myself how many of the fine details of those days to I actually remember? (Not many if I'm honest) I've certainly not spent years judging those people for their weddings so why am I doing it to myself?!!

rc22 · 16/01/2021 11:51

@Wiredforsound
Same here if I had my time again it would be very close family and friends at the registry office followed by a lovely meal somewhere really special.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/01/2021 11:53

Same. Awkward and uncomfortable. I cringe at the memory.
But I can't change it (unless I get married again and that won't happen!) so I sigh and (try to) let it go.

thetinselbadge · 16/01/2021 11:56

There's a lot of pressure to have the 'best day of your life' and mine really was not. A combination of things really, there was lots to prepare on the day itself and I didn't really have anyone to delegate these things to. The venue was very expensive but a bit shit really, things like they didn't have enough clean table linen as they had run weddings over several preceeding days. They didn't do basic things that had been agreed like turning rooms around as instructed. Half my wedding cake went missing in the venue kitchen. I planned the evening do to be a chatting with music time with a lot of reassurance that no one likes a disco and this made the whole evening very boring for most people. I felt under the weather most of the day. Was a bit crap really! Those who have a wonderful day are very lucky and now I just cringe at how much money was thrown at it.

zoemum2006 · 16/01/2021 11:57

I think weddings are one of those days where the expectations are sky high.

It might be best to let it go as one of those disappointments that come from too much pressure being on (not from you... but social pressure).

Try to judge the day not from external expectations but small things that were lovely. And (if you have a nice DH) remember it as the lovely day you became husband and wife.

Imaginetoday · 16/01/2021 12:12

I was always disappointed by my wedding. Couldn’t marry in church as DH. Was divorced- years before I met him. I had no money for a decent wedding dress and as a plus size could only find a pink skirt suit to marry in. My mum had no interest in getting involved in things like finding a dress etc. as she’d had a a wedding she didn’t like imposed by her IL. Her view and my dads was that just go to registry office and keep it very small. They did not offer to pay anything towards it. I didn’t want a massive wedding and fuss cause I’m an introvert...but I’d have liked a dress I felt good in, and some flowers and a few more guest.
But, over time the feelings were less important...we’ve been married30 years. Difficult at times. Lovely at others. But the wedding day was a small blip in the grand scheme

SomewhatBored · 16/01/2021 12:16

It's your marriage that's important, not your wedding. I had a tiny, cheap wedding and it was pleasant enough but not 'the best day of my life' or anything like that.

It was one day of your life, don't let it define the rest of your future.

MrsXx4 · 16/01/2021 12:20

I feel the same. Mine was 4 years ago and especially at the moment with too much time to think it really plays on my mind and sometimes even keeps me awake at night. I picked the wrong dress for a start and I still to this day think about the dress I didn’t choose and how much I loved it. I was so overwhelmed with all the decisions and nothing was very ‘me’ it was all what other people told me to do as I had no idea at the time!

I cringe so much about my invites and the fact I did a stupid gift poem which probably looked grabby thinking back! I also hate being centre of attention and my first dance I totally froze and it looks like I kind of got dragged around by my husband. I didn’t get a single photo with my mum or sister as it was the hottest day and everyone hid inside for the air con. I hardly have any photos at all of the day which is probably actually a good thing!

I just know myself better now and I would have a tiny wedding if I was to do it now, with no first dance! I wish I knew techniques of how to let go of the past but it is what it is.

I know it does no good to keep torturing myself but it is hard to forget. So I sympathise but I don’t really have any advice.

People still comment to this day about how good our wedding was, my parents paid for the alcohol as our wedding gift so I think that helped there are positives so maybe we both just need to pick out the bits that went well and that we enjoyed and forget the rest!

CrispsForTea · 16/01/2021 12:21

I was supposed to have a big formal wedding hosted and paid for by my (very lovely and generous) in-laws. Luckily, COVID hit and we ended up getting married while only 30 guests were allowed! It meant the day was very relaxed and informal and there were no random strangers that simply had to be invited. Maybe the pandemic will bring smaller weddings back into fashion!

MrsMcTats · 16/01/2021 12:21

I'm the same. Not so much hated the day, but hated being centre of attention and my dress didn't fit well, resulting in some embarrassing pictures (still fuming no one told me my tits were on show). The only pictures I use are of the back of us. The details of the day were nice and I enjoyed putting it together, but as I hated dress shopping I chose the wrong dress, my mum wasn't much help on the day to sort it out and so I have negative thoughts about the day as I feel everyone would have been commenting on it. Definitely not the best day of my life!

WellThankyouAJPTaylor · 16/01/2021 12:24

This is one reason I've never been interested in getting married, honestly. Just nothing about the idea of a wedding appeals to me in the slightest.

MissMarpleDarling · 16/01/2021 12:26

I'm the same as you I'd have hated it too.

MissMarpleDarling · 16/01/2021 12:26

I told my partner I never wanted to get married because I'd have hated it

CounsellorTroi · 16/01/2021 12:27

I did enjoy my wedding - 30 years ago - though with hindsight wish I hadn’t bought the first dress I tried. We did do it very traditionally though, no evening do, which I don’t think I could have faced - went on honeymoon straight from the reception.

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