to not expect 7 year old to share on this occasion

[Dontwanttooutmyself]

DS 7 got a “new” iPad as his main Christmas present- its ancient and barely runs, but it was his favourite present. His Saturday morning treat is free screen time and some days he likes to watch you tubers playing minecraft and try out the things he’s learnt.

This morning he was watching YouTube and holding (but not using) his iPad.

DH came in and asked to use DS’s iPad. DS said no. DH got in a mood and told DS off for not sharing. DH thinks DS is being a selfish and needs to learn a lesson about sharing. I think DH is being a massive fucking bellend. DS can be quite challenging- no SEN but struggles with emotions, especially at the moment. He’s generally pretty good at sharing and turn taking with his DS and us, but I would not expect a 7 year old to give up his best present without any notice at this point in the day just so I could read the paper. AIBU

VOTE YABU- DS should share and DH is right
YANBU - DH is a massive fucking bellend

@MrsTerryPratchett

She hands it over when asked, no issues, even if its 'her time'. Why wouldn't she?

Because it's her time and her device. My home isn't a communist collective. We have things that are ours. Which we do share generally if asked but don't have to. I don't share my Oodie unless someone is sick, we have our own pillows because DH is allergic, we use our own toiletries, we have our own devices.

What's the point of asking politely if so,done can't refuse. Might as well just snatch it out of their hand.

I agree. It’s not ‘borrowing’ if the child has no choice but to have it over.

So people who bring up their children to share and be polite are not loving parents. Right. My dd would hand over the device because i asked her to. Not because she is frightened if me, or because i will snatch it out of her hand anyway, or abuse her in any way, but because we have a loving and trusting relationship, and she knows if i ask for it it's the right thing to do. She also knows that if she asked to use my device for a few minutes i would hand it over, no question. (assuming i wasn't in the middle of a skype call or writing a long email.) Thats the sort of caring, sharing relationship we have.

@Deadringer same. My children wouldn’t question it and would hand it over because we have the mutual respect and trust in each other. I’ve never had to enforce sharing because my DC have never been possessive of anything as they know the whole household will respect and care for their belongings. My youngest has asked that we stop playing one of his switch games without asking him because me and other DC have over taken him, we understand this so will allow him to take the lead in it. He’s asked us to help him catch up and my other DC has just accepted this and will help and listen to him.

DH is a knob. He has his own device (phone). He also has access to disposable income but chooses not to spend it on his own iPad. So he thinks he can keep his money and just take someone else’s iPad whenever he feels like it? I bet he doesn’t let others use his phone. Tell him to grow up and buy his own iPad if he wants one!

It's not borrowing or sharing if the person who the item is meant to belong to cant say no. It's one person, with more power than another, using that power to take things from the other. And its not ok in any situation.

I actually think it's really important that there are two iPads in the house. 1. A family sharing iPad for everybody to use. And 2. DSs iPad which was a recent gift for his own personal use.
DD was using iPad 1, DS was using iPad 2. DH chose to take DSs iPad rather than ask DD to give him the family one. Added with the remarks about DH and DS not getting along I'd say that DH is deliberately trying to exert his power over DS.

We teach children that just because you want something doesn't mean you're entitled to take it off someone else dont we?

And how many times do we see people on here saying they've given something to someone or allowed them to stay, or allowed them to do something regarding their child that they didn't want to but felt they had to to not be rude. There's threads with people practically shouting at OP that she doesn't have to share her child, or her savings, or her car, just because someone else wants it.

@GlenormaDH is only a knob if he asked unpleasantly, and ranted because he didn't get it (and not because the child was rude - if he was).

It's perfectly okay for an adult to ask a child if they can borrow something, just as it's fine for a child in the family to ask to borrow something of the adult's.

In most homes, people don't buy the same item for every family member. In our family, it must have happened every single day for one or more of us to ask to use something that belonged to another - and we still do it as adults, though less often. But we ask and respond pleasantly and with consideration for each other.

It sounds from the OP that neither party in this situation behaved that way though.

Glenorma DH is only a knob if he asked unpleasantly, and ranted because he didn't get it
By the sound of it that’s exactly what he did. I greatly doubt he shares his phone, but he expects other people to share their stuff with him. He’s the one who decided not to buy his own iPad, so now he hasn’t got one and he doesn’t get to penalise others for that.

Nobody ever HAS to share their things. Yes it's nice to, but it's not a requirement.
Just cause I'm not using my phone, doesn't mean someone else can.
Your dh is very unreasonable. He should get his own iPad.

@Deadringer

So people who bring up their children to share and be polite are not loving parents. Right. My dd would hand over the device because i asked her to. Not because she is frightened if me, or because i will snatch it out of her hand anyway, or abuse her in any way, but because we have a loving and trusting relationship, and she knows if i ask for it it's the right thing to do. She also knows that if she asked to use my device for a few minutes i would hand it over, no question. (assuming i wasn't in the middle of a skype call or writing a long email.) Thats the sort of caring, sharing relationship we have.

And that appears not to the be case in the OP so I don't know why you are all defensive. The Dad in the OP has been spatting with the child all week and then asks for the device (a Christmas present) during the time the child expects exclusive use.

He's being a dick, you aren't.

@Circumlocutious

I’ve never routinely made my children share anything and there have been no issues. I am not comfortable sharing my own stuff and don’t think they should have to either.

So what would you do in a playdate situation where another child comes over? Make them sit in a corner watching while your child has fun? There are children who say ‘no’ every time another child picks up one of their items, which gets tiresome very quickly.

Having some special possessions that you can put away and not share is fine. But your attitude doesn’t make sense for children. Would you refuse to share your kettle if a friend came round for tea? Well, children’s toys are the equivalent ‘equipment’ of social interaction...it makes no sense not to share.

And then as you grow older, there are things like living in a flats share at uni, where it’s commonly share biscuits, big packets of crisps etc - again, bizarre to be the one in the corner always with their Own snacks that they never offer round.

It is tech stuff and devices such as phones, tablets, laptops etc. that are not shared. I've never made any rules for other crap.

Mine long ago outgrew playdates and were fine with those. Academic when they are now in their early twenties.

At uni my experience was that food wasn't automatically shared unless by prior agreement. I certainly didn't want anyone just snaffling my stuff and I didn't snaffle theirs.

I've had two out of three daughters go to different unis now and at both there have been very clearly defined rules in the handbooks about not taking food which belongs to others when in the kitchens of a hall of residence. There are apparently disciplinary procedures that can be invoked for repeat offenders. It isn't done without specific consent. That is as it should be.

I think your son should have let your husband use it as he wasn't using it.

Be careful ... If you let your son do what he wants, you may make a rod for your own back when he's older. I think you're also very disrespectful to your husband. Your son may also pick up on this!

A friend had a beautiful young boy. She let him have everything and he's now a young man who treats her like absolute shit!

I don't, and wouldn't ever, make my children share with people who are unpleasant to them. Mine all know if they spend all week squabbling and being rotten to a sibling then there's not going to be any pressure on said sibling to be sharing stuff or generous with them.

Given your DH seems to behave like a child to your DS (I bet he doesn't to your DD...) then he shouldn't be expecting your DS to treat him generously.

Tbh from what you've said about their relationship youhave bigger issues than an iPad. If your DH is kicking off about a 7-year-old's iPad then just imagine what he's going to be like when he's trying to push his authority on a strapping teenager.

I think your husband, if not a massive one, is still a bit of a bellend.

Looking at your updates, it sounds like there's a much bigger problem going on here than your son not wanting to share his iPad.

@londonscalling

I think your son should have let your husband use it as he wasn't using it.

Be careful ... If you let your son do what he wants, you may make a rod for your own back when he's older. I think you're also very disrespectful to your husband. Your son may also pick up on this!

A friend had a beautiful young boy. She let him have everything and he's now a young man who treats her like absolute shit!

You must've missed the part where OP says her son is good at sharing in general and she's asking about this particular circumstance.