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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect 7 year old to share on this occasion

140 replies

Dontwanttooutmyself · 16/01/2021 10:46

DS 7 got a “new” iPad as his main Christmas present- its ancient and barely runs, but it was his favourite present. His Saturday morning treat is free screen time and some days he likes to watch you tubers playing minecraft and try out the things he’s learnt.

This morning he was watching YouTube and holding (but not using) his iPad.

DH came in and asked to use DS’s iPad. DS said no. DH got in a mood and told DS off for not sharing. DH thinks DS is being a selfish and needs to learn a lesson about sharing. I think DH is being a massive fucking bellend. DS can be quite challenging- no SEN but struggles with emotions, especially at the moment. He’s generally pretty good at sharing and turn taking with his DS and us, but I would not expect a 7 year old to give up his best present without any notice at this point in the day just so I could read the paper. AIBU

VOTE YABU- DS should share and DH is right
YANBU - DH is a massive fucking bellend

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 16/01/2021 19:10

@MissyB1

he absolutely shouldn’t share his iPad if he doesn’t want to

Oh yes God forbid any child should ever be encouraged to share anything! There’s a strong risk they might grow up err... you know kind and likeable.

Sharing is not universal or equally moral/worthy.

Should your kid share his lunch?

His allowance?

Give a friend their own phone for a few days?

Give them the brand new lego set they got?

Let them have their brand new trainers only while they play football?

Is nothing off limits? Sacred or precious enough? Expensive enough? Worrying enough?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 16/01/2021 19:14

Also OP said he's pretty good at sharing in general with parents and his sister.

Her question is about this occasion, and on this occasion there was nothing wrong with saying no.

It was his allocated ipad time with his own ipad.

saraclara · 16/01/2021 19:39

In my family, and I hope most, occasionally we ask to borrow something briefly that someone else is using. The borrower asks pleasantly and explains it's just for a short time, and the lender almost always says yes. If they can't lend it they'll say something along the lines of "Sorry, I'm just about to use it"

I don't understand the "no-one should be expected to share" group. Nor do I understand those who think asking rudely or responding with a blank "no" is okay.

LaceyBetty · 16/01/2021 19:57

@saraclara I absolutely agree.

honkytonkheroe · 16/01/2021 20:38

Slightly pedantic. I never said we have to share everything all the time. My kids without question share toys and that would include electronics.

MissyB1 · 16/01/2021 20:48

Teaching a child to share doesn’t mean they won’t understand when it’s inappropriate to share. Please credit kids with a little intelligence. I was taught to share with siblings, family and when appropriate with friends and even strangers. I haven’t grown up incapable of saying no when I need to.

It says a lot about parents that actively discourage children from sharing. Working in a school I see the results of this selfish me me me attitude far too often.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2021 20:57

What a load of old bollocks @MissyB1

We're not talking about actively encouraging children not to share. We're talking about a child being able to decide that they don't want to give their Christmas present to someone else to use. Particularly when that person has been arsey with them all week.

Sharing is about willingly deciding to do it, not being forced. That's not sharing, it's just the person with the power exercising it.

My child shares wonderfully, but was never forced. We used the 'share or out of sight' rule when she was young. I would expect her to refuse politely. She rarely does.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 16/01/2021 22:11

@MissyB1

Teaching a child to share doesn’t mean they won’t understand when it’s inappropriate to share. Please credit kids with a little intelligence. I was taught to share with siblings, family and when appropriate with friends and even strangers. I haven’t grown up incapable of saying no when I need to.

It says a lot about parents that actively discourage children from sharing. Working in a school I see the results of this selfish me me me attitude far too often.

I work in a school too and I see quite a lot of willingness to share and help out.
caringcarer · 17/01/2021 00:55

DH should use his own or his phone. That is your son's gift.

Witchend · 17/01/2021 01:05

Flipping it round.
I would look on it, how would I have felt if dh had been watching TV, holding the ipad and ds had asked to use it.
I'd have felt it was mean of dh to say no.

LadyDique · 17/01/2021 01:09

I don't understand the "no-one should be expected to share" group

Me neither. I can't even imagine asking one of my dc (or dh) if I could borrow xyz and them saying 'no I rather not' without good reason.

Not a good trait to instill and support at all imo.

Lemmeout · 17/01/2021 01:10

Yabu. Your son wasn’t using it, dog in the manger comes to mind.

Lemmeout · 17/01/2021 01:11

I’m all for respecting children’s voices but ffs teach them some manners. It’s his Dad not a random .

ZippedyDooDa · 17/01/2021 01:19

Your DH is a massive fucking bellend
Your poor DS. It's his ipad ffs
Is your DH always such a bellend?

ZippedyDooDa · 17/01/2021 01:29

Making unfair demands as a test of compliance is an indicator that a relationship is moving from authoritarian to abusive.
This.

Topseyt · 17/01/2021 02:24

@honkytonkheroe

I make it clear that not sharing is not an option in our house, therefore I think YABU.
I’m glad I don’t live with someone who spouts this sort of bollocks.

I’ve never routinely made my children share anything and there have been no issues. I am not comfortable sharing my own stuff and don’t think they should have to either. I did teach them to respect other people’s boundaries.

Things like iPads, laptops, phones etc. are very personal things. People have their own accounts set up on them and arranged as they wish. Anyone thinking that I should share mine would get a firm rebuttal. We certainly don’t share that sort of thing in this house.

Your DH needs to wind his neck in and ditch the twatty Victorian Dad approach.

Circumlocutious · 17/01/2021 04:42

I’ve never routinely made my children share anything and there have been no issues. I am not comfortable sharing my own stuff and don’t think they should have to either.

So what would you do in a playdate situation where another child comes over? Make them sit in a corner watching while your child has fun? There are children who say ‘no’ every time another child picks up one of their items, which gets tiresome very quickly.

Having some special possessions that you can put away and not share is fine. But your attitude doesn’t make sense for children. Would you refuse to share your kettle if a friend came round for tea? Well, children’s toys are the equivalent ‘equipment’ of social interaction...it makes no sense not to share.

And then as you grow older, there are things like living in a flats share at uni, where it’s commonly share biscuits, big packets of crisps etc - again, bizarre to be the one in the corner always with their Own snacks that they never offer round.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 17/01/2021 08:22

@Witchend

Flipping it round. I would look on it, how would I have felt if dh had been watching TV, holding the ipad and ds had asked to use it. I'd have felt it was mean of dh to say no.
Does your DH have limited time on the ipad and your DS his own phone? OP said "on this occasion" which are very specific circumstances.
TippledPink · 17/01/2021 08:37

Not many people seem to have picked up on the fact that you have a family iPad as well that DD was using. Did he ask DD to use this? As it is the communal one, why did he want to use DS's iPad and not ask DD to use the family one?

PaigeMatthews · 17/01/2021 09:15

FFS why are people so badly unable to read! The DS WAS USING HIS IPAD! He was watching an instructional video which he would then do on the ipad. He maybe wasn't actively using it for about 5 minutes. The DH wanted it to READ THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER.

honkytonkheroe · 17/01/2021 13:56

I regularly share my phone. My kids have music on it they need for their hobbies. They say "can I borrow your phone" and I say yes. They may also borrow it to look something up or find their own phone/iPad. They may also want to see an email sent from the school etc where it affects them. Why would I ever say no? I can't think of anything I wouldn't share. I'd happily share my perfume with my daughter, chocolates I was given etc. I think the unspoken rules we have for chocolate is that the owner offers.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/01/2021 14:09

YANBU. That is your DS's property. How would DH feel if some one was demanding that he just gave something of his over to them.

Thelnebriati · 17/01/2021 14:27

I think some people see this as ''you must share everything on demand'' vs ''you never have to share anything''.
Most kids can understand fairness and nuance, and that we don't always have to share. For example, the birthday child isn't expected to share their presents on their birthday, but they will share their cake after they have blown out the candles. They get that this is fair, and it helps that the rule is the same for everyone.
Many kids have a precious toy that it would be unfair to ask them to share. I also feel its unfair to demand they share if its during their allotted time to use an item.

pepsicolagirl · 17/01/2021 14:43

I have found it to be good practise to get our children into the habit of handing over tech at a moments notice.

None of mine would have an issue handing a tablet to either myself or their father whether for us to use quickly or to check for any shenanigans.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2021 16:34

The thing about kinder, more gentle, less prescriptive parenting is that we have somewhere to go with it. If I asked nicely for DD's iPad and she said, "I'm using it right now" and I genuinely needed it for something, I have about twelve levels left to me. I probably only have to go to "now please DD" with a slightly serious face and she would hand it over immediately.

People who live in that "now" place all the time only have a few harsher levels above. I know parents who shout a lot. They only have smacking left if the child isn't doing what they want. I can't remember the last time I even raised my voice above a stern tone.

Gentler parenting isn't in the main more permissive parenting. At least not for me. DD knows how to behave.