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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect 7 year old to share on this occasion

140 replies

Dontwanttooutmyself · 16/01/2021 10:46

DS 7 got a “new” iPad as his main Christmas present- its ancient and barely runs, but it was his favourite present. His Saturday morning treat is free screen time and some days he likes to watch you tubers playing minecraft and try out the things he’s learnt.

This morning he was watching YouTube and holding (but not using) his iPad.

DH came in and asked to use DS’s iPad. DS said no. DH got in a mood and told DS off for not sharing. DH thinks DS is being a selfish and needs to learn a lesson about sharing. I think DH is being a massive fucking bellend. DS can be quite challenging- no SEN but struggles with emotions, especially at the moment. He’s generally pretty good at sharing and turn taking with his DS and us, but I would not expect a 7 year old to give up his best present without any notice at this point in the day just so I could read the paper. AIBU

VOTE YABU- DS should share and DH is right
YANBU - DH is a massive fucking bellend

OP posts:
Deadringer · 16/01/2021 16:27

I am amazed at some of the replies here. No wonder so many children are rude and have bad manners.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 16/01/2021 16:36

Children need to be able to say no.

If youbwere about to drive your car to visit a friend, and your DH/ adult sibling (who had chosen to spend their discretionary money on other things and didn't have a car, although they could have chosen to own one) told you they wanted your car to go and visit theor friends immediately, would you hand your car keys over because its important to be kind and share?

To often its only the less powerful members of a family/ person in an interaction told to be kind and share all the time, and the person demanding to receive the kindness and benefit from sharing is actually the one with far more power and resources.

Its the wrong power dynamic.

MissyB1 · 16/01/2021 16:38

I thought OP confirmed her ds wasn’t actually using the iPad at the time?

lockeddownandcrazy · 16/01/2021 16:45

I think he should have shared but DH is being unreasonable carrying it on for a week

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2021 16:50

@Deadringer

I am amazed at some of the replies here. No wonder so many children are rude and have bad manners.
Which parenting do you think is causing this?

Because I don't force sharing and my DD is a delightful, generous, caring child.

PaigeMatthews · 16/01/2021 16:57

@Deadringer

I am amazed at some of the replies here. No wonder so many children are rude and have bad manners.
Children learn by example. Op’s dh was rude and entitled in his demands.
user184628462 · 16/01/2021 17:13

@Godimabitch

I dont believe anyone should have to share everything they own just because someone else wants it.

And I dont believe in children having to do something just because an adult wants them to, I dont get the whole authority by age thing, I think it raises arrogant people who think they have the right to push people about who are younger, smaller or lower on the work ladder.

This is my view too.
Butterymuffin · 16/01/2021 17:22

DH has a phone, but chooses to spend his “discretionary” money on other stuff.

Does this mean he has chosen to have a cheaper phone rather than a smartphone he can read the paper on? Because in that case, tough, he has to wait to read the paper. You don't get to decide it's not worth spending money on a device for yourself, but expect to be able to commandeer other people's devices whenever you want the benefits.

itsgettingweird · 16/01/2021 17:22

My ds has his own iPad.

If he was watching the family tv and watching something he chose I would expect him to lend iPad or switch to iPad only and give up tv.

honkytonkheroe · 16/01/2021 17:34

I make it clear that not sharing is not an option in our house, therefore I think YABU.

Deadringer · 16/01/2021 17:37

I dont force my dc to share, i don't need to. Having an ipad or any other device is a priviledge that can be removed at an time. I check my dds phone and tablet from time to time. I also borrow them occasionally if i need to and don't have my own handy. She hands it over when asked, no issues, even if its 'her time'. Why wouldn't she?

StormyInTheNorth · 16/01/2021 17:38

I showed this to my DH who said that your DSs ipad is his and DH can use his own tech. In our house, our tech is ours and ours alone. I wouldn't look at DHs phone and nor him mine. DD uses our things because she is only 6 and her tablet is ancient. We do not expect DD to hand over her tablet or any of her things because we want them. It teaches a message she should give up her things because others want them. If I wanted say a pen while colouring I would ask, if she she waw using it she's been instructed to say either, 'yes, after I have finished.' Or 'no' because it is mine. If it was a tablet and any of us were watching youtube it would be a flat no. My main worry at children being made to hand things over is an adult coming along and asking them to pull their underwear down. Appreciate most DC would say no, but those easily led like my DD need firm guidelines that not sharing is OK.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2021 17:40

She hands it over when asked, no issues, even if its 'her time'. Why wouldn't she?

Because it's her time and her device. My home isn't a communist collective. We have things that are ours. Which we do share generally if asked but don't have to. I don't share my Oodie unless someone is sick, we have our own pillows because DH is allergic, we use our own toiletries, we have our own devices.

What's the point of asking politely if so,done can't refuse. Might as well just snatch it out of their hand.

Lougle · 16/01/2021 17:51

I see both sides, but I would expect my child to use the iPad for YouTube and then switch to the app to try out what they'd seen. I wouldn't allow them to have exclusive use of two devices at once.

Having said that, your DH could have asked in a nicer way and understood why your DS said no.

What was your DD doing on the 'family' device? Why couldn't she have given it up for a few minutes?

PaigeMatthews · 16/01/2021 18:05

@honkytonkheroe

I make it clear that not sharing is not an option in our house, therefore I think YABU.
How was the father sharing when he wanted the ipad at that minute, with no negotiation, despite ds using it?! I dont see how what the dad did was anything like sharing.
honkytonkheroe · 16/01/2021 18:07

That's how sharing often works - having temporary exclusive use. Only some items can be used together.

user184628462 · 16/01/2021 18:09

Some people have very strange ideas of what "sharing" and "politeness" mean.

InFiveMins · 16/01/2021 18:35

If your son wasn't actually using the iPad then YABU and he should share. If he was using the iPad then your DH was unreasonable and should just use his phone or buy his own iPad.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2021 18:37

I see both sides, but I would expect my child to use the iPad for YouTube and then switch to the app to try out what they'd seen. I wouldn't allow them to have exclusive use of two devices at once.

I agree with this.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/01/2021 18:40

If that happened in here I would tell my ds to stop being a brat and let his dad borrow the ipad.
You're not doing your child any favours backing hi up in that spoilt behaviour.

saraclara · 16/01/2021 18:40

It depends how DH asked, and it depends on the way DS said no.

There are a world of ways in which either party could have been reasonable or unreasonable

Rockbird · 16/01/2021 18:47

He absolutely shouldn't share his iPad if he doesn't want to. There is absolutely no point giving something to a child and then treating it like a family possession. If your DH wanted that then the iPad should have been a family iPad. Children deserve ownership of their possessions just as much as adults do. Quite apart from the fact that he was just about to use it in his allotted time and DH wanted it for an extended period of time. Let your DH shell out for his own one or get off his arse and go to the corner shop if applicable.

Sharing is giving someone one of your sweets not stopping what you were doing with your own possession just to hand it over to someone else.

MissyB1 · 16/01/2021 19:04

he absolutely shouldn’t share his iPad if he doesn’t want to

Oh yes God forbid any child should ever be encouraged to share anything! There’s a strong risk they might grow up err... you know kind and likeable.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 16/01/2021 19:07

@honkytonkheroe

I make it clear that not sharing is not an option in our house, therefore I think YABU.
So you share your(own) dinner, your treats, your clothes,your nice things, your toiletries, your devices , etc ? Every single time someone asks ,including a child?
Circumlocutious · 16/01/2021 19:10

@MrsTerryPratchett

I don’t think your example proves anything. Nor does any one parenting example prove a wider societal point. ‘I was beat up as a child and I turned out just fine’....

Fact is, there’s hardly a crisis in our society of men being too sacrificial and giving, is there?